Need Help with My 9 Yr Old Temper

A 9 year old wetting himself might warrant a trip to the pediatrician to see what is going on.

I just read a book called "Raising Cain" and it talks about how we don't raise our boys to have emotional intelligence. Like we talk to them to "tough it out" and "not be a sissy." It suggests that we should acknowledge our kid's feelings. There is another book that does the same "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" So, rather than just telling your son to take a shower, say "You look dirty and I see your all itchy." Then PAUSE and let him come up with the idea to shower. If he doesn't say, "You look uncomfortable. When I feel that way, a bath really picks me up." Don't argue with him. Say "It's bath time in 5 minutes" and stick to it.

Good luck,
F.
www.discoverytoyslink.com/fatimac

I saw your posts and it sounds like you have a very frustrating situation on your hands. It sounds like he is testing his limits with you in many different ways. There are so many reasons why he may be doing this - Always first rule out if there is something physical (why he might be peeing on himself) or if he is experiencing any new stress in his life (changes in school or friendships are among the possibilities). Take some time to check in with him when he is in a calm/good space.

He is trying to form his identity as a young man and may feel that being bossy is the way to go (you mention that his dad once had a temper) and kids learn most by how we model things to them.

My suggestion is hard to do and will take some time to see the results, but...get out of the power struggles with him It means no more warning of "or else" when he tries to hit you - help him see a calm and controlled adult. State calmly "we don't hit each other" and stay calm in your tone with him. He will only up the ante when faced with frustration in response to his frustration. I strongly recommend the book Parent Effectiveness Training by Gordon. He reviews many techniques that can bring calm and order in a home. It is based on 3 principles:

Active Listening, I-messages, and the No Lose Method of conflict resolution.

Best of luck

I have a 9 year old also and am finding him trying out his young man autonomy. It frustrates me so much sometimes. I learned a long time ago to choose my battlea( doesn't mean I always choose the right ones, but I try). If it doesn't freak you out, find a place he can go pee out in the backyard. My son LOVES to pee oputside. I just insist he doesn't do it in front of anyone and he has his own area in the way back of the yard.
We have dealt with anger issues for many years. Ours stemmed from Bipolar, but I also found that many times he didn't know what was expected of him and that mad him mad. So I started telling him in the morning what was on the agenda for the day. We discussed what might be hard times and how he can deal with them. We keep daily trackers on his behavior and he receives something out of the "prize box"( it can be something as small as a sticker or gum) when he has good or great days. At first it seemed like a lot of work, but the good behavior was so worth it.
Good Luck
A.

If you are having problems with getting your son up and out the door and his temper along with the wetting himself. you may want to have him see a psychiatrist. those are both major signs of ADHD. You may want to talk to his teacher and see how he is doing in class and if she can seee anything wrong.

Dear D.,

Maybe something is happening at school that is bothering him. 4th grade is tough nowadays. May he is being harrassed, it is possible.

It seems that I may have written to you today and gave you 'advice' about another child. Sometimes I click on the wrong one. Sorry, but I made a mistake.

I do know that I am writing about a 9 year old boy this time though and you need to go to school to see his teacher. She knows him well and probably can get you started in the right direction.

My daughter and I were just talking this a.m. about how much her grand daughter is like she was when she was a little girl. My daughter is close to her and understands her personality very well. Maybe Dad will understand his son since they may have similar temperaments. Just a guess.

C. N.

Children learn this kind of behavior. It sounds like your son is trying to control you, the situation, or get attention. My husband also used to have a temper. When I got emotionally strong he got help. My 14 yr old has seen that temper. My 10 and 6 yr olds haven't seen so much of it. My 14 yr old went through a periosd when he was younger where he would clench his fists and put them up. He has never hit anyone. We went to a couselor a yr ago. He has learned to handle his anger the right way. The only thing I can say about a child peeing their pants is DISCIPLINE. My 10 yr old tried this about a yr and a half ago. He would get carried away playing video games or watching T.V. I took them away. Now he only gets video games 1 hr a week. T.V. is one cartoon a day. My son was so obsessed with these that I couldn't get him to go outside. Now that I set ground rules. He is fine. As for your son showering. Have him shower at night, when dad is home. Make this dad's job.
Good Luck
K.

I understand your frustration, I have been there. But don't let them see the red in your eyes. My 9 year old did the same thing. I thought it was ADHD, after seeing the doctor & physchologist, the tests did not detect ADHD, ADD or hyperactivity. Take one thing at a time. Start with getting up in the morning. If he does not get up, let him know about the consiquences if he does not get up. Example-my son has to write an essay, read it, and then we discuss what is expected of him, then he loses T.V. or video games, etc. If he wets his pants, make him wash his own laundry, but be there with him while he is loading the clothes. Children need to be responsible for their actions. I honestly feel for you, and will keep you and your family in our nightly prayers. God Bless