My 16Mth Old Does Not like the Word "NO"

Ok...at this age she doesn't know self control. You have to teach her that. I would verbalize that you know she is angry, but also let her know it isn't okay to hit. You may want to just try holding her until she calms down. Both of my children went through this and she will grow out of it, but not without some direction from you. Good Luck!

We used choices. We would say 'Baby not yours, you can play with X or Y' and we'd offer her other options. It is just distraction but it worked out well. She adopted it so well that at her daycare she would have a toy and when the others would try to take it she would say 'not yours, do this one' as her speech developed. You can use the word No but don't make it the only word used in the "you cannot do this" training. As for her anger, I'd go to her and give her a hug and then show her the choices you want her to go to. The best teacher at this age is example. So, if you show her a kinder way to accept the can't have it, she'll do fine.

I don't like to hear "no" either, so I can relate to your daughter! I love the baby time-out approach. She can either be nice or she can have some quiet time in her crib, just a few minutes, to calm down. She'll either fall asleep or get distracted, I bet.

Good luck to you!

I would like to suggest reading or seeing the DVD of "The Happiest Toddler On The Block". At 16 mos., redirection, as others have said, is the best thing to do. If they understand that you understand how they feel, then they calm down quickly and you can talk to them about why they can't go outside, or climb on a certain piece of furniture, etc.

As they get older and can understand what consequences are, they do better in time out.

L., mother of five, grandmother to seven

There's a lot of good comments in the other responses. Time out and taking away of privileges (as they get a little older) are helpful. You may need to find ways to engage her mentally-redirect her. For instance, what does she like to do the most...what can you do to emphasize more time on that item that allows her to "explore"(not TV though). If she is physically active you may wish to enroll her in a Mom and Baby class or take her to the park more often. The Little Gym has classes for your age group and up. Time outs, redirecting to another activity, awards for good behaviour (teachers do a lot of this) and of course being stern with her. You are quickly getting to age 2 even at 16 months. My son entered the terrible twos at 18 months. Don't think that a 16 month old cannot express anger. They do very well. A baby lets you know when their upset from hunger, wet pants, stomach discomfort etc. They aren't happy about it. Those feelings continue to progress. You may wish to approach this from a Christian perspective as well. God has given you and the father the autority over this child. Don't let the child have it over you.

E.,

My son is te same age as your daughter, we don't use the word "NO" in our house, instead we use other phases such as..."lets not play with that, you may play with this" and hand him something that he is allowed to have. Or we will say "Rainn that is not a toy and will hurt you, lets go over here and see what you can have" and redirect him to something else that won't hurt him. WE have only used "No" about a six times in his whole life and it was in a dangerous situation and still used the other phase afterwards and redirected him. He too has had the temper-fits here lately and when he gets mad or frustrated we too are surprized of the anger. We just explain that we need to take a moment and look at what has happened and take a break and that we can go back to it in a minute. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I too don't know how kids that age can have such anger when something doesn't go right since we as parents don't show that.
Good luck

K., Mother to a 16 mos old boy and wife to a great husband

From a mom of 5: And this is a surprise to you??? lol No 16 mo old will ever like "no" for an answer. As for the hitting...Some moms will have a snit about this, but you need to hit the child back showing 1.) it hurts and 2.) you will NOT be treated this way EVER- not without reprocussions. As horrible as this may sound to some-the best way to stop kids from biting is to bite them. I bit all 5 of mine-ONLY ONCE. That was all it took to graphically teach them 1.) it hurts and 2.) these are the consequences you will face if you do this. Never had the problem again.

A 16 mo old huh? After one of her tantrums just put her in her bed in her room-she is surely not old enough for a time out chair-she'll never stay there. But if you find a safe confined space and then put her there away from the activity of family repeatedly enough, she'll get the idea. She's not stupid,; it's just that all children are manipulative little buggers and they want what they want and they want it NOW. Do you have a playpen (Do people still use those? give you any idea how old I am??? lol) That's another good place for time outs.

Don't worry, mom. This too shall pass.

Hi E.,
I would really suggest first of all NOT to respond to her hitting herself. I would try and redirect her attention or ignore her. As for her hitting you, I would suggest putting her in a crib for awhile, kind of a baby time out. The more you react to her behavior the more you are reinforcing it. Keep calm whatever you do. I would give her a verbal warning, like if you hit again you are going into the crib and then back it up. The key is your calmness and consistency.
Best Regards,
C.

I read the responses so far and you got a lot of good advice. I agree with a lot of it.

She's not to young to be very angry!

I avoided the word "no" as much as I could. I would use other ways of communicating:
"Hot! Hands off!"
"Not for babies. Hands off!"
"Be kind. Touch [others] gently"
"Danger! Hands off!"
"Be kind. Share toys"

Stuff like that.

Redirecting baby's attention worked well for our family.
So did time out, and at later ages, grounding.
I did a lot of talking to my babies. I would introduce a phrase like one of the above ones, and use it consistently for certain situations. But I didn't stick with the "baby talk," I would go on to explain the concept with complete sentences, using adult-style words.

My kids learned the concept I was trying to teach, but they also learned a larger more adult vocabulary.

It helped to review with them what proper behavior was at times when they were not upset or angry. Sometimes this was just verbally when we were on a walk or in the kitchen playing with play dough or whatever. Sometimes this was by reading a book that reminded kids to be kind to one another, etc. It seems like the Berenstein Bears worked well when they were older. I got a lot of mileage out of "Pat the Bunny" (do we HIT the bunny? do we take away bunny's toys/food? No! We pat the bunny gently!)

The Love and Logic program sounds good.

Just remember - we're all human and therefore selfish! We need to learn to think of others and to be kind, etc. Just like we need to learn to walk and talk!

Good luck, E.! Hope all goes well.

A.

PS My second child was like yours and I had to really learn to deal with situations that never came up with my quiet first child!

My 21 year old doesn't like to hear "no", he just has changed his behavior over the past years. Come to think of it, I don't like hearing "no" either! When it hurts enough, she will stop hitting herself - don't make a big deal out of it and she will adjust.

Read "Love and Logic" now! There is a preschool/toddler book!

www.loveandlogic.com

I doubt that at 16 months she really knows what the word 'no' means only that she is not getting what she wants....just redirect her....and be careful as she is probably mimicing behavior when she hits...what she does just hold her hand to stop her - not in anger but to redirect....you must not respond in anger or get upset just do it.......good luck, mine are not in mid/late teens and I do wish redirection worked....

Oh how I wish that 16 months old was too young to be mad when they dont get their way..but it is not:) I try to save the word no for really big things..like touching a light socket, pulling on a lamp chord, running away etc. That way, they dont get so tuned out to it. I would work more on redirecting her than flat out telling her no. (Again, unless its a safety issue). At her age, redirecting her attention will solve at least half of the tantrums. As for the others, if it gets too bad, I just calmly put them in their beds for some calming time. I just tell my now 20 month old that she must need to calm down, and that I will be in to talk to her in a minute. Now..my child does not tend to calm down in the crib, in fact at times it gets worse. But when I go to get her, I ask her if she is ready to get up now and be nice? If she agrees, then I get her out, hold her for a minute, and off we go. She has forgotten all about why she was even mad:) You can teach her she is not allowed to hit other people, but unfortunately, she will have to learn on her own that hitting herself just does not make much sense..I would not even address that really. Good luck and have fun with your toddler! ~A.~

I have a 9 yr old, 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. I also have a Masters degree in Psychology.

Find ways to say "yes". When she does something she wants that you are fine with, then make the effort to point out to tell her, "yes". She is learning what is acceptable and what is not. It sounds like hitting is a big no no for you, that said, if you believe in spanking this negates your rule of not hitting. For a one yr old this is confusing. Consistency is very important. So if you do NOT believe in spanking, then you will need to teach her that hitting is NOT the way to let out her frustration and anger. For a 16 month old, you can start using time out, but you should see if it is something else bugging her. You can also redirect like other said or take away her toy or changing her scenery. Also check to see if she is teething. Teething is a big culprit for making them cranky. Those teething tablets really work great and teething gel you apply with Q-tips work great too. My poor son was getting his molars at the time, and I didn't realize it until it was days later. When you use time out for your 16 month old, you have to use this very little and immediately. If there is too much time between putting her in time out and her hitting, it looses it's effectiveness. Same with using it too much, so only use it as a last resort for a toddler because they do not understand time as well as older kids. When my 9 yr old called her brother stupid, I immediately put her in time out. Choose one or 2 places in the house for time out that's away from toys, tv, and computer. For a 16 month old you will need to be near by and see if she stays in the spot. Mine thinks it's a game. I put her back 3 times and wait to see if she leaves again. For your 16 month old is she comes out of Time out, put her back in and say, "No hitting! Stay in time out" at least 3 times. If they are crying, you can console her for a couple of seconds and step back within 5 feet of her. You'll need to say it again when they are calmer since they can't really hear you when they are upset.

I have to mention that my husband would hold my son in time out because he wouldn't stay for the 3 or 4 minutes when he was 3 and 4. It really helps when your spouse and you are in agreement. It's one minute for each year of age, so 2 minutes for a two year old. I round down for their age so not quite 2 then still one min. One more thing, when my 9 yr old was 2 yrs old she would have these terrible tantrums. I couldn't safely get her to time out. So if it was in the Kitchen, I'd try to move her to the carpet away from furniture and toys. I'd tell her to go ahead and when she was done I'd try to talk with her about why what she did was wrong and what I wanted instead. You need to give them opportunities to correct their behavior as they get older, so they know what is expected of them. She is now 9 yrs old and still has a tantrum now and then, nothing like before, but I have to handle her differently because she is older. I have more leverage now that she is older because I can ground her from TV, computer, her iPod, and her hand held video games. I take them all away, and I warn her that if she chooses to continue to act this way, then she will be grounded for additional days. When she sees that her brother is not grounded, it is a huge incentive for her to rethink her behavior. I also tell them that they can choose to behave properly or be grounded, I tell then, Don't give me a reason to ground you. When they are doing the big no, no's, which are hitting/biting, name calling, and whining, I put them in time out.

I hope this info helps. If you let it go when she is 16 months, the behavior will only get worse. Keep that in mind when you are doing this. I'm not perfect, but I found the more consistent I am at using Time out, the better it worked. I also started earlier with my 2 yr old and that for those big things and let the little things go. I know you get tired, so keep trying; it will work in the long run. Good Luck!

You've already gotten so much advice, but I just wanted to suggest again Love and Logic books. They are so helpful especially at this age. One more thing, this is in response to some of the suggestions...just because something "works" or stops the behaviour doesn't mean it's a good or reasonable consequence. I say this because my MIL has told me numerous consequences she gave her children (my husband) and just an example (not even the worst) is when he was 2 he was having a tantrum and hitting his head on the floor. She told me she got down on the floor and "helped him" by slamming his head into the floor. Her reasoning for thinking this was okay was "well, he never did that again". I'm sure you know better than this nonsense, but I had to throw that out there. 16 months old is really when they are getting more clever than you can imagine. You are supposed to be an example of good behavior...the way they will ultimately learn behavior, whether you like it or not so....My opinion is to keep behaving like an adult, a good example, calm and consistent w/cheer in your voice. I know it's hard and some days impossible, but when you have that attitude and realize you are ultimately in control, it just makes everyone happier and more relaxed. I hope you read the Love and Logic books, it'll explain it better than I can. Good luck to you and enjoy your sweet, smarter than you think:) girl of yours!