If you have read any of my previous posts - you will know that I have a very strained relationship with my MIL. Here goes...when we had our son 6 months ago, my husband was laid off. After 10 weeks, I went back to work and my husband stayed home with the baby. My MIL had just recently gotten a full time job (after working from home for 2 years and lying to us about being able to pay her bills, racking up over $50,000 in credit card debt and then asking us - while I was 7 months pregnant - to pay her mortgage). On Monday, my husband was offered a great job and we were excited about the prospect of putting our son in an in-home daycare facility. We had chosen the provider and were very excited. On Tuesday, we had the MIL over to visit and we told her the good news. She then proceeded to tell us that she quit her job because she thought she was about to be fired! And then - said she wanted to keep the baby. WHOA!!!!!! Totally not in my plan. Here are my concerns:
1) I already don't get along with her as it is. She feels that because she is 56 and set in her ways, that what I want for my child is not what she is going to do.
2) Yesterday, she called my husband (not me) and said that of course we should do what is best for our family, but she would like to have the "option" of watching the baby. Now - we could "hire" her to keep the baby but I fear that it will not be enough income to pay her bills and would result in her asking us, yet again, to help her out.
3) In combined family events, I don’t want my child running or clinging to her for comfort. It would really hurt my feelings as well as my own mothers’.
My husband feels like I am totally unreasonable and would rather pay a stranger to take care of my son than have his mother. He is right about that one. At the risk of damaging my marriage – I have compromised to let her keep him next week, while my husband is traveling for work – because the day care cannot take him until the 22nd.
I just don’t think that this is a good idea at all. Grandparents are meant to spoil children. I feel that if my son is with her all day – then he will be spoiled all day. Another thing is that he will have no interaction with other children. A fault that I think my husband has to this day – he is very anti-social. Ugh – I need help. Do any other Mama’s have their MIL as the daycare provider? What issues have you run into? What are your solutions?
Thanks for listening (reading) – also – please don’t tell me how I should be grateful that I have a MIL who wants to keep my child. You don’t have to live 2 blocks from her and listen to her undermine your parenting skills.
First, let me say THANK YOU to all of you for your advice. I am saddened to say that I lost the battle. My husband and I had discussed that it was my decision and he would do whatever I wanted - but then we met with the MIL and she had a comeback for all of my concerns and my husband changed his mind. During the conversation, I actually grilled her more than I did the daycare and my husband got angry. We came home and fought for about 2 hours. My husband said that I was rude to his mother - which I was and am not proud of - and that he wanted our son to stay with his mother and that was the end of it. He said that I need to get over my issues with his mother and that it is the best and most economical situation for all of us. I am hurt and disappointed - but I am determined to keep my cool. Either I will be pleasantly surprised with the MIL - or my husband will finally see the light. Thanks again for all of the great advice.
I would go with the daycare you already had picked out!! This way you won't have to sit at work all day worrying about stuff!
Sometimes its better to have a stranger taking care of your child than a relative. This is particularly true when you don't get along with or trust the relative. This is a person that will be helping you to "raise" your child so you need to find someone who you like, respect , trust as well as some one who will respect your decisions. Don't sound too much to me that MIL has these qualities. She probably just wants the money since she just "quit" her job.
Depending on how old the child is I believe there are lots of benefits to daycare. The child will have other kids to play with, they are on a sceudle and are not just doing nothing all day. Lots of daycare providers actually teach the kids. They will help you when its time for potty training. I think they are more reliable. You won't have to miss a days work because MIL does not feel like coming or wants to do something else for the day.
some benefits to MIL might be she might not charge as much and your child does not leave the home every day (that is if she is going to watch him at your house)
Sorry if this is too long. Just some points to consider.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
The benefits to MIL might be
I know both you and your husband maybe too close to her to do this but if possible both of you should take a step back and evaluate her as you would any other inhome daycare provider. Is the environment safe? What are her plans for activities for your child? Does she have age appropriate toys available to him? What kinds of food/snacks does she plan to provide? Will she be dependable or is she likely to have many "sick days"? Does she have the equipment available to her to entertain your son (stroller, crib, swing, etc?) If the two of you can do this without making it personal, you both might realize that the bottom line is the other care giver is a better place for your son. Also, if your MIL would have been coming to your home to care for your child and the other place was at the other care giver's home how does that dynamic effect you? Will you be more stressed having to clean your home more often because she is coming over everyday? Will it be more expensive for you because you will have to have food available in the house for your MIL?
Good luck,
K.
Could you do a combo of home day care and grandma days?? maybe have your MIL watch the baby 1 day a week. most grandmas would love love love one day with the grandbaby.. that way she gets to spoil the baby 1 day a week.. also she sees the baby without seeing you much so you are better too.
It will also save you money on day care costs..
Also maybe grandma will watch the baby when he is too sick to go to daycare.. and beleive me he will be sick alot... childcare centers are germ factories..
Your mother in law doesn't sound like the most responsible person. Trust your gut and go with the daycare center. Stand up for your own and you child's interest or you will regret it down the line.
Good luck!
I would try a compromise. Let MIL watch your son maybe 2xs per week on a TRIAL bases with you and have hime at the daycare the other days. But inform hubby he really needs to learn to be with other children also. As he enters Kindergarten he will already be used to being around so many other children. My Mom lives with me!!! I still put my youngest in a daycare program for that reason. My mom loves him so much that he would have been intolerable to be around with all the spoiling. I did let her watch him on the weekend if we went out. So it all worked out here.
As far as $$ she needs to keep a job the other days so she can pay her own bills. So good luck!!
Nice of her to offer & all, but I believe a daycare setting is better for kids than to always stay with a family member. They are going to go to school eventually, and need to learn to be away from family & to play with other children. Daycares can do more than just feed & watch your baby. They offer different activities for the child to play & learn.
Our daycare is on an Army post, so it may be different from others, but I feel my daughter has greatly benefited from going to daycare since she was 6 weeks old. She is very smart, has a great vocabulary, etc. and I know she wouldn't have gotten that if she had stayed home with just her and a family member. I love my mother to death, but if my daugther had stayed with her everyday she would be a very spoiled child!! haha
Hi J.!
I would choose the daycare. My MIL lives 2 blocks away as well and doesn't work often. I don't have a strained relationship but I see how my two nieces are with their mother (they live together with my MIL) and she underminds my SIL all the time and when the girls get in trouble, MIL runs to the rescue and tells them its ok. I was not ok with that and when I meant something or they acted out and got in trouble I wanted them to know I was serious and that they couldnt just run to grandma for comfort. I chose the daycare because I know they would listen to what I, as a mother, wanted for my baby and I have had excellent success with my provider. I agree that grandparents are meant to spoil them when they have them but that shouldnt be everyday. My daughter (11 months) loves her friends at daycare and she is a very happy girl when I drop her off to "play" with them. :)
I still use my MIL when my daycare has to be closed and she enjoys that so much (of course I dont pay her to watch her grandchild nor does she expect to be paid). Maybe you can work something out with your MIL like that for if your daycare ever has a closed day and keep her for when you need date nights and things like that. Follow your heart and do what is best for your family.
Good luck!!
I think you already know what to do, you don't get along with the MIL, so why the heck would you want her watching your baby? Put the baby with the daycare provider and keep your MIL out of your business and try to stay out of hers. I know this is easier said than done. I had an issue with my mom where she was "offering" to watch the kids so much for me that when I REALLY needed her to watch them, then she was too tired or felt she had them already too much. So I cut back on when she could see them so when I really need her to watch them (like a vacation or if they are sick and I'm working, etc) then she is available. So I hope this helps. I'm a big believer in as little drama as possible and doing whatever you need to to achieve that. Good luck!!!
I know you are really struggling with this decision. With good reason. I had to make the same decision about a year ago when my son was 12 weeks and I went back to work. I decided to give my MIL a test run and see how it went. It almost caused my husband and I to get divorced. Really. Lots of things she was letting my son do that I didn't approve of. If you are forced into a situation you don't feel comfortable with, it will not end well. Please try to sit down with your husband and try to work out your differences.
My best advice, is go with your gut. My 2 oldest were in a daycare setting and did really well. They learned so much and were well socialized. When we were surprised with #3 daycare became so costly that I am staying home until at least my oldest is in school full time. Maybe you could come up with some sort of compromise, 3 days daycare and 2 with grandmom? My mother is someone I would not ever consider as a full time care giver for my child(ren) because I know she doesn't have the patience etc., but I know she can handle a day here and there, and kids do need their grandparents. It's nice to know that there is someone that you can leave them with when you and hubby want a date and that the kid is happy and loved. So, maybe consider some sort of compromise and talk to your husband about the reasons why daycare are good for your son and maybe he will accept a compromise too. Good luck, you're in a sticky spot!
I would stick with the in home daycare. Your son will have interaction with other children as he grows. Your MIL sounds like she may need to take a step back and let you and your husband decide what you would like to do, with out trying to guilt you into anything. I agree with the people who say see if she could watch him one day a week, days that the day care is closed, when your son is sick, or even on evenings that you and hubby would like to go out. It is not your fault that she quit her job and your husband should also look at how you feel also. Just tell her you appreciate the offer for help but you would like to stick with the in home daycare. I hope everything works out well for you!!
Stick with the Day Care. You do not need the added stress of thinking what is she doing now! OR your son come home having been drinking coke when you would never have given him coke. UGH! Stick with the daycare. Peace of Mind!
Hi J.,
Congrats on hubby getting a job offer!! I've been through both the work and daycare situations. I live in the same neighborhood with both my parents and my inlaws. Here was the outcome for us.
We had our son in 2001. My Mom (53y at the time) was working in an office and wasn't happy. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started looking for childcare and she offered to watch our son for $100.00 a week. I get paid back for childcare through an FSA as long as my Mom put the income on her taxes, and $400. a month was a steal! So we agreed. Things went well for the first few months, but then started to not work out.
a. the long hours of watching a baby from 6a - 6p were wearing my mom out.
b. there were no kids for him to play with.
c. my son started having the 'clinging stage' were everytime I went to leave, he'd cry and scream. My Mom's feelings were hurt.
d. everytime my Mom had a dr. appt, went out of town or got sick, I had to stay home from work.
Finally a time came when she was going on a 2wk trip. I approached her and said 'I think its time for C to go to a daycare center. I can't take 2wk off from work.' She looked at me and said, I think you're right. I don't think this is working but didn't know how to bring it up. I feel bad about not being able to help.
Sending him to the center was actually for the best. Grandma became the Emergency Sitter for days when the daycare was closed or my son was sick and couldn't go. We don't pay her in those cases. She considers it her time to visit with her grandkid.
When I had my daughter 3y ago, there was no question. She goes to an in-home daycare at the neighbor to Grandma. She has friends her age, a schedule, and loves looking over the fence to Grandpa when he's working in the yard. Grandma is still avialable for emergency sitting situations, but is now able to go to as many dr. appt, and out of town trips as she pleases.
Follow your gut. Offer her a position as 'Backup sitter'.
M.
If the relationship is strained already, I would opt for daycare if you can afford it. It will only make your relationship worse. Maybe you can make her feel better by telling her that you would love her to watch your kiddo on evenings when you are your hubby need some alone time. Follow your heart....you are the mom. You know the right thing to do.
Trust your heart, stand your ground, do what is best for your child.
It sounds like your MIL is not quite stable enough to take on the demands of childcare, even if it is for her grandchild. With her recent job changes and money problems, I would question her abilities to commit to you and her grandchild at this time. This arrangement may work out for her now, but what happens if she changes her mind two months from now and you can't find another provider? What about suggesting that she watch your son one or two days a week and he can go to daycare the other days? That way you could test the waters and go either way, depending how things work out. Good luck!.
With this situation I would not count on MIL as daycare for more than that one week you have to. She needs to find a paying job to pay down her bills and not use her grand child as an excuse not to look for work. MIL is way too manipulative for my taste and putting your child into the middle of that is just asking for trouble.
