Insomnia Ruining a Marriage

seeing a Dr may be a good step or a marriage counselor.
If you've been married 10 yrs have you had the same bed. Maybe he just needs a new bed with better support. Beds only last about 10 yrs.
Or maybe one of you needs to spend the occasional night in the guest room or couch so he isn't "bothered" by you when he can't sleep. I know that sharing a bed is important for emotional and physical intimacy but if he can get some sleep you both may be in a better mood.

You probably already know this but he needs help medically and/or emotionally. There are lots and lots of reasons why people can't sleep and he is not alone in this. There are so many people who cannot sleep.

He needs a health eval that goes far beyond what a regular medical doctor does unless the medical doctor is really, really good and does something else besides pills. That is the worse mistake is to give pills. That only masks the problem and he needs solutions not masking.

If you are really interested then I may know of someone who can help. Let me know.

N.

You need to have a heart to heart with him and find out why he's not sleeping well. Something is bothering him and he really needs to get if off his chest. Let him know how you feel. What kind of mistakes are you making? Most of the time when they start saying "you" are the problem, they have done something wrong and it's easier to blame you instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.
God bless your marriage!

It sounds like there might be something else going on. I'd have him go to his doctor and talk to him/her about it, but in the meantime, I'd get some over-the-counter melatonin. You might not think this works, but take it from another insomniac who takes benedryl on a regular basis to get to sleep, this stuff is potent!
You don't say what your situation is, but sometimes the birth of a new baby or twins (as in our case) can have just as big an emotional impact on the father. If that's the case, he may be feeling anxious, overwhelmed, etc. If so, talking to someone will help this. In any event, talking about it with someone professional will likely help and if he's unwilling to go to a therapist, then the family doctor is a good place to start.

This sounds like more than just insomnia to me. He needs to go to a doctor and you should both consider marriage counseling. To be bad tempered because you aren't sleeping well is one thing. To tell you he won't 'tolerate' your 'mistakes' and say the marriage may not work out?!?? Seriously, I would not put up with that for a minute- that is just bullying and cruel. He needs to see a doctor and a therapist and soon. Good luck to you!!

Does your husband drink lots of coke, coffee or tea after 4-PM? He may be depressed. Whatever his underlying problem is he has got to see a doctor. His insomnia is destroying his health.
On a day when he has slept well you need to talk it over with him. Encourage him to see a doctor and explain his sleeplessness and the emotional state he gets into from it. He could develop high blood pressure from lack of sleep.

I noticed you live in Portland, OR. I live in Washougal, WA and I think the weather we are having these days has a lot to do with it. I usually walk everyday 1- 5 miles a day and when the weather turned bad a few weeks ago I stopped walking because I didn't want to get sick. I noticed my sleep and my mood changed quite a bit. I have been walking everyday this week in the rain and feel much better. Slept through these last few nights.
I don't like everyones quick response to go to the Dr. Although you may have to. I don't know if you have ever researched MSG. I have been and I can not tell you how much it seems to play a role in every disease out there. If you have the time google MSG and see if it could be a factor in his lifesyle. I like the ladies response about adrenal fatigue. My Dr. diagnosed me with it and I have to take vitamin B and a few others until they get better. The test is easy and I feel good about it being corrected with vitamins. I'm not a freak about prescription meds but I'm begining to think there is a better way to get over some illness/diseases without prescription drugs, based on what I have read about MSG....
Good Luck -

I think your husband needs to get some medical help. Does he have chronic stress? This sounds like it could be adrenal fatigue. Our adrenal glands produce cortisol to help us handle stress. If we have a lot of stress, they produce more cortisol, but high levels of cortisol at night can make it impossible to get to sleep or to stay asleep. If the adrenal glands spend years making too much cortisol, they eventually get tired and they are not able to produce enough for a person to handle stress, hence his short fuse.
A Naturopathic Doctor (ND) will be able to help diagnose and treat him. See if you can get him to go in. At the very least get him in to his Primary Care doctor and mention the possibility of adrenal fatigue.

Sounds a lot like my husband's Chronic Fatigue symptoms. All of the suggestions are good ones..but some will work and some won't. The melatonin has worked for him sometimes. He can't stay asleep for more than two hours at a time so I can't say its really effective but if his biggest problem is getting to sleep the melatonin may work well for him. Try not to go to sleeping pills like ambien..bad bad bad side effects with those. Avoid alcohol. Good luck!

Insomnia by itself can be a problem, or it can be a symptom of something else. Depression is something that comes to mind and, a big drop in testosterone can trigger insomnia in men, too. Is he trying to do anything about it? Cut back or cut out caffeine? I can not have ANY caffeine after Noon. One cup of coffee very early in the morning is my limit. No TV/computers in the bedroom? No heavy eating before bedtime? He could try a warm shower (if it relaxes him) and some warm milk before bed sometimes helps me get sleepy. Melatonin or Valerian Root also help me one in awhile if I'm really having trouble falling asleep. He needs to see a doctor. Being sleep deprived can be dangerous if he has to drive any distance and he falls asleep behind the wheel.

He has to get help. This is very serious.

I know from experience.

He needs sleep, desperately.

Short-term: Drugs like Ambien do work. I would consider that very seriously.

Long-term: My experience is that a truly good doctor will prescribe something like Ambien short-term, then suggest starting CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy).

CBT involves meeting with someone (like a psychologist) who specializes in CBT for sleep issues. He/She will have a few sessions with your husband, and he or she will have to teach your husband how to help himself prepare for sleep and fall asleep (and get back to sleep when he wakes up at night) (the key is conscious, deep breathing).

Of course, the CBT specialist should also tell him things like this:
- No tv in the bedroom, ever
- Make the bedroom pitch dark for better sleep
- remove the clock radio so that he cannot see the time when he wakes up at night - that will only cause frustration
- when he gets up at night to use the bathroom, use a flashlight with a red light (which is much less wakeful to the brain that white light)
- Use a white noise machine (www dot marpac dot com/soundscreen.asp)
- No coffee anywhere near bedtime
- Stop watching tv at least 2 hours before bed
- no heavy meal near bedtime
- stay cool at night - too much warmth at night produces lower-quality sleep

Insomnia does many terrible things, aside from turning someone into a mean person.

It actually damages the brain and makes it more prone to disease down the road.

I can recommend a good CBT person, right here in Portland.

Paul

What my dr told me was to try benedryl. It does help some nights to get me into a nice sleep. It can take me hours to fall asleep. I do get pretty moody. Your husband sounds like he is beyond moody though. Make sure he is cutting his caffiene by about 3pm.

The benedryl is supposed to be used for about a week and then your body should get on a schedule. I still could not get on one, so i just take it when i know i am not tired like i should be.

I am sorry that i could not be more help :(

He needs to see his doctor about it. I had a problem with insomnia (although it didn't mess anything up really since I was used to sleep-deprivation....thank you US Navy). Recently my GYN prescribed me Zoloft to help with my PMDD mood swings and it has cured my insomnia too, which she also thought might be a beneficial side-effect. Zoloft stimulates serotonin production, so it might help your husband. He should talk to his doctor about it.

He needs to visit his doctor and have a sleep study done to determine the cause of his insomnia. Then, once that is under control, you can discuss what lies ahead for you as a family. However, please wait until his condition is under treatment as his condition and lack of sleep will control your responses and reactions.

M.

Sounds like he needs to visit a doctor for a diagnosis...What is the underlying cause??/ Diet, weight, lack of exercise??? Unusual stress from work? Is taking he taking vitamins or drinking too much caffeine through out the day so he is awake at night. I would rule out any physical conditions. If this is really disrupting your marriage I would seek counseling. However, I would start with him...seems like he is making mistakes you shouldn't be tolerating.

I've been a mild insomniac for years, and I believe that it's contributed to anxiety and depression, which in turn make it harder to sleep. My overactive brain (I don't do silence well) keeps me up late and wakes me up early. When I have a bad night, I can be really difficult to live with the next day, but for the most part, I've adjusted, and I can recognize that my short temper and irritability are because of me, not because of the stimuli around me.

Is he willing to consider medical help for his insomnia? If he understands that his irritability is coming from lack of sleep, then you should see a doctor, but he might not be aware of it. One thing about errant mental states is that they tend to overwhelm perspective. In that case, you should really go see a counselor. If he thinks that he doesn't need one, then tell him that you want to be the best wife that you can, and this will help you be that. The sentiment might not match up with your feelings. You have every right to feel hurt. But you love him, and that means that you can put your rights aside and graciously work with his state of mind.

Remember that he is not himself. Hang in there, and I'll pray for you.

Like others said..he needs a medical work up? Why can't he sleep? Medical problem, depression..
If someone already said this-sorry- but he could try over the counter Unisom..super safe and works like a charm to get you to sleep. Benadryl is another but Unisom makes you less drowsy.. There are other prescriptions like Ambien but you want to find out why.
Hope you- he finds rest. No sleep is actually a form of torture!

He really needs to talk to a doctor about this. If he refuses, suggest he try melatonin tablets. You can find these just about anywhere ... Target, market, etc. They might make a difference for him, but again, I'd say first priority is talking to a doctor.

Drag him to the doctor if you have to. I had insomnia/sleep deprivation that went too far and I was acting like your husband. When your body gets that far off track you need prescription medication to get the brain back on schedule. The doctor will also look for the underlying issue - stress, depression, other body imbalances, etc. Once I had medication and counseling (mine was depression based) I got back on track and became 'myself' again. I was able to wean off the medication after a year. Best of luck.

You need to find out what is going on and help him cure the insomina. No one is tolerant enough or patient or even sane enough if they don't get to sleep.

He needs to see if there is a medical issue. Insomnia is also common in people who are suffering from depression, so that needs to be checked out and incidentally depression in men often comes out with them lashing out at everyone. His diet being changed would help alot, the better a person eats the healthier they are which means he likely would sleep better. Also some tips for good sleep.....

1. Either no coffee or soda or tea at all or none after 2 or 3pm.
2. Exercize early in the day, but not after 2pm.
3. Large dose of Calcium with dinner
4. No media ( tv or computers) after 7 or 8pm
5. No TV in the bedroom and no computer there either
6. A night time routine
7. Dinner done by 7:30pm and no snacks after that other than fruit
8. Plenty of fluids during the daytime
9. Prayer @ meals
10. A hot bath about 2 hours before bedtime
11. Room temp not higher than about 66 degrees if you can manage that.
12. Instead of a pillow, fold blankets so that they are high enough that he can lay on his side with out pressure at all on his shoulder and have him sleep like that.
13. Try Calms Forte' from your health food store.

Problem is of course, he will have to want to cure his insomnia, you cannot control that. You can help of course by setting a good example with your sleep hygene. Also, he may need to sleep in a little one days when he cannot sleep until late, if there is a way to accomodate that maybe that would help, of course sleeping in too late or taking late late naps can make things worse too.

See if he is open to seeing a doctor and maybe even better yet an ND for the condition. Likely there is an underlying issue causing the insomnia, it could just be bad sleep hygene, but it could be much much more.