What to Do About My 11 Year Old Son...

Hi Stephanie,

This must be very frustrating for you. But I think you may have some things you can start to do today that will have some immediate effects with your son.

You've asked a couple questions, so I'll try to give you my take......

At 4, your youngest is old enough to respect someones room. Why does the responsibility all go to your oldest son? that is absolutely not fair to EITHER of your kids, and not only will it make your older son get worse and worse it will breed a sense of entitlement in your youngest. Your oldest son should be 'nicer' but your other kids should respect his boundaries. It sounds like he has been jealous from the start and he is only close with the middle because they have a common enemy - the youngest!!!!!!

It doesn't sound like your son has been taught appropriate ways to handle his anger (first at being replaced by younger siblings, then by being punished instead of disciplined, now by being disrespected by his family). So I would start there.
If he is interested in skateboarding he should do it MORE, not have the one thing that he loves get taken away because he can't do anything right when it seems like his world doesn't care anything about him. Skateboarding is a sport that takes discipline and practice. Can you formalize it and get him a 'coach' or older mentor who can spend time with him?
I would also find out if there are other activities he can be involved in - tae kwon do does WONDERS for self-esteem and discipline. Additionally swimming, church youth groups, basketball etc would do him a world of good.

As far as the school work - Does he have structured homework time? I bet his teacher would email you what his assignments are each week. Or at LEAST she should be working with him on making a LIST of what he needs to turn in and when its due. Then he sits down every night at the same time and works through his schoolwork.

Instead of punishing him for bad grades - TEACH him how to get the grades he is capable of. No one LIKES to do something they are bad at. But he won't like it until he feels confident. He needs study habits, organizational skills, and encouragement rather than punished when he does something wrong or gets a bad grade.

Please please please please please try to see this from your eldest SON'S point of view and not anyone elses. If you don't let him know that you respect and love him and teach him the skills to succeed he will be a mess when he is a teenager.

Oh - I'm adding: You can't MAKE your kids be closer. They didn't pick each other. What you can do is make sure they EACH have their own lives and interests. You can foster a family environment of respect and encouragement. They have to see each other as teammates rather than competition.

Good Luck.

Ok first there has to be consistent consequences for his mean behavior towards his little brother. Second our children are about the same ages as yours. He might enjoy some one on one time with just you. Also my oldest has a focusing problem and many times he forgets his homework. Now we together have gotten in the habit as soon as he gets home see what hehas for homework. Then I check it make sure its in his backpack...then before breakfast I check again..you would believe how many times it was not in there in the morning. IfI didn't check he would not have had his homewotk. He gets good grades but I have to remind to do everything.

My response is mostly for the homework/school issue. When I was younger (in middle school), I didn't like to do homework because it interrupted the other things I wanted to do, like playing softball, LOL.
My teachers and my parents had a conference to figure out what we could do to ensure that I was doing the things I needed to do every day. I ended up getting a big planner (one that had space for each day of the week) and each day I had to write down what the homework was for each of my classes and each of my teachers signed it and then when I got home, my mom would check to see what homework I had to do - and once I was done doing it, she would sign too.
This actually worked out really well - and after awhile my teachers and mom didn't have to check every day to make sure I was doing what I was supposed to do.
Hope this helps :)

Good luck!

1. Set bounderies. It is his room, little brother needs to stay out. He is obviously is having jealousy issues. I would suggest taking him out on his own every couple of weeks to just eat or see a movie. And dont yell at him no matter what at those times.
2. Does he have focusing issues, he might have a mild case of ADD. If so get some games computer etc to help train his brain to focus better. With that will follow remembering more.
3. Make sure he isnt getting bullied or picked on at school. Maybe he is agreesive at home cause he feels he can there and at school where their are issues he cant

Have you had him checked for learning disabilities. Had his hearing and vision checked? If he is having difficulty in school thats pretty frustrating. If his little brother is getting babied and he's getting in trouble, that's pretty frustrating, as well. You say he is close to his siter. He may not want to share her with him. Is he comparing himself to his angelic little brother? and coming up short in his mind?

Sounds like he is crying out for attention and doesn't know how to do it other than act out like he is. Usually that is the case. And as far as him hating his siblings, I don't think that is uncommon. It's jealousy I think. Your 11 year old isn't the baby anymore and sometimes kids make themselves think that their parents will love the younger ones better, or more. If your 11 year old is hanging out with friends that are tyrants to their own parents or siblings, it may rub off on him too. So peer influence could play a part in it.
He does not need to be hitting his little brother or sister. He's not the parent. May be he needs more one on one attention from you. Sometimes when we have more than one child, a parent can get so busy in their every day lives that they forget to take the time out for one on one fun with their children. (I know I do at times). Your 11 year old needs more praise when he does good, and a good understanding of consequences when he doesn't follow the rules, or gets bad grades.
If I were in your situation, I would sit my son down, one on one without the other little ones around, and ask him what is on his mind and reassure him that whatever he says, he's not going to get into trouble because his feelings are important. Even if he's mad at you and mad at his siblings. Make sure that he understands that it is ok to be upset and to express his feelings without getting into trouble for it. And listen. Big key word there is 'listen'. Your son is also at that age where they think they know best, and better than the parent.
And he's giving you the run around about his school work. I did that to my mom when I was in 6th grade. Know what she made me do? I had to take a 3x5 card to school every single day and have the teacher sign it, and list all my assignments on there that I needed to do at home. Then my mom signed it too. I had to do that for about a month. It worked for me. I didn't blow off my assignments anymore after that.
If you feel as though you're at your wits end and have tried everything....call 'super nanny'. :-) I've watched her on tv and she's great at teaching parents, and helping to structure the homestead. I watch her for myself as well because sometimes I don't know what to do with my boys. I have a six year old and an 18mos old.
Chin up...stand your ground because you're the boss. :-) And don't try and push your son to be closer to his siblings because that might make him resent them more. Try and find out what is bothering him so bad that he's acting out that way, and work on his attitude/issues and he will become closer to them in his own way. :-) I hope it all works out for you soon.