Visitation When Dad Works Nontraditional Hours. How Do I Do It?

This sounds so frustrating.
Her father is a police officer and this is just part of his job. Children of Police Officers understand this. It is just like a child of an ER doctor on call all of the time or a business owner who is totally responsible to their employees and the running of their business. .. this is their life and their children learn it is just part of it.

Also the Police are under contract and have to follow schedule changes based on needs and demands of the city. If they cannot fulfill these duties, they can be terminated.

As long as he wants to see his daughter and continues to see her whenever possible I think you may need to focus on that. That being said, If you have definite plans, plan it, but do not depend on your exhusband to be your baby sitter, instead hire a babysitter when you want to go out of town or on dates.

I agree your husband may need to do the same thing. If he is scheduled to have your daughter and has to work, maybe he needs to get a sitter. Get those schedules and plan on sitting down and working out the visitation each time.

I know this is all affecting your life just as much as if you were still married to him, but it is what it is.. What do you think he should do? Quit? Change professions? This is your daughters father and it is his career.

If you two cannot figure a way to make this work, I agree you should go to mediation and have them help solve this. They have probably been through this many times and will have some great suggestions.

As a child of divorce I beg you to please not speak of all of this in front of your daughter! It will make her feel distressed and anxious. Please hash this out just between you and your ex. Do have your ex speak with his daughter about why the schedules will be all mixed up all of the time and see if she has any ideas or feelings about it.

If your ex gets a promotion he will have a little more control over his schedule, but he will then be on call 24 hours a day. Be prepared for that..

I am sending you strength and patience.

I am sure this is annoying and aggravating and I am glad you vented to us, but in the interest of keeping good communication with your ex for your daughters sake.........

Does he have a choice? It doesn't sound like it, so I would encourage you to be flexible and deal with it. If you were still married you would. It is in the best interest of your daughter to spend time with Dad and you might even consider yourself lucky he wants to be with her. In the end it will make her a happier girl

I am sorry for you. However, since he is a police officer, they way their hours are determined are somewhat different than the "regular" work force. I do think you need to accomodate him. You should be thankful that he is still involved in his daughter's life. As far as you needing a "break" on a weekend..join the real world of motherhood! the majority of us never get a break. I think that if you two sit down and work it out, it will be fine.

I know this is hard for you, but it is in the best interest of your daughter and her relationship with her father to suck it up and go along with it. It is not his fault, and at least he works, right? He's just trying to be a good dad. Your arguements are about your convenience.

Sorry, but I think that your daughter will be a better person in the long run with a better relationshiop wiht her daddy if you give in on this one. Be the hero, even if it sucks for you.

I have to agree with Patty. It sounds as though he has no choice. My BIL is also a police officer and when his shift changes - it is accept it or find a new job. If that is indeed the case, then be glad you will know your schedule for the quarter and do the best you can with that information. I agree - if you were still married, you would have to work it out. It sounds as though he is doing the best he can to maintain his relationship with his daughter. Also, be glad that he is employed so that he can continue to contribute to her costs - so many people are unemployed these days and we tend to forget how difficult that must be.

Take your visitation quarter by quarter. Don't worry about December in June. Relax and be glad that your daughter's father does want involvement.

C.

I think you need to get over it. I agree with you that you are being selfish. My dad was also a cop, and to get any free time was also hard for my dad. I think you need to be more flexible to the father's work schedule. Why can't he have her on Sundays? You work any ways and save money by not needing a babysitter. Holidays you can easily work out say Christmas Eve with you and Christmas day for him or vice versa. You are the adults, agree with a new shedule. Communication is the best solution. Plus it's not fair for your daughter to not see her father..at least he is trying to communicate with you.

Hi S.,
I divorced my sons' dad when the boys were 7 and 11. They're now 20 and 24. So here's the voice of experience.
1. The most important thing I learned too late was to think of the children before the ex and before myself. I experienced and fully understand your frustration at having her there all the time. For her, however, it's the safety of Mom and she needs that; after all, she spends more time at daycare than with either parent. She's way too young to understand anything about schedules; all she knows is that you're her main person and sometimes she goes to Dad's, sometimes to the babysitter. If you made a fuss over the babysitter, your daughter would think that's the most important relationship in her life. She's only 3 and she just doesn't know anything! When she's a little older and has some concept of time -- weeks, months -- then it's important to keep visitation regular, so she knows what to expect. Now, she just needs to see Dad as much as possible, for an extended period that allows both of them to be comfortable together.
2. I don't see any mention of divorce here. *Especially* if you were never married, go back and read Elizabeth from Oak Park. Going through mediation and getting everything in writing will be such a help, and you can't go any further in the court system without this.
3. Elizabeth also is right about your JPA -- if you don't have one, make that the goal of mediation. His situation is not going to change and you'll have this scheduling problem forever. Meanwhile, before you know it, she'll be wanting to go on sleepovers and so forth. What's he going to do when this happens? You won't mind because she's with you all the time, but that's when you see whether he thinks of her as a possession that's his when the JPA says so. If you scope out this kind of thing early, you can address it before it's a problem -- also future issues like choice of school, summer camp, etc. You will fight over everything unless you work out not only specifics for the present situation, but also guidelines for decision-making ahead.
4. At all times, try to work with him rather than against him, no matter how you really feel. Maintaining good will between you, and demonstrating civility and cooperation in front of your daughter, must be a top priority. She truly needs to see you two getting along nicely.
5. About time away from her -- every single mom knows how you feel. Don't hesitate to take the initiative with play dates or other get-togethers that will allow you to run errands or work out. Are there family members or friends with whom you can trade time? Co-workers you like who have children around her age? If you're uneasy because you haven't spent time in someone else's home, have the other child come to you first. Then, even though you're still with your daughter, she is occupied with the other kid and you can do something besides entertaining her.
6. This is something you don't know till you know it, but it won't be long before things change. In a year or two, she will be old enough to spend more time with others. Then she goes to school and bam! She has a social life and you're not it!
So good luck, S., and enjoy her!!!!
Mama S.

Hi S.,
Now I will admit I am not divorced, so you can discount my advice if you want. :) But, here is my opinion as an outside observer. By your note it doesn't seem like he has a choice about his schedule. Be thankful he has a job and money to help support your daughter. If he will commit to creating a visitation schedule every quarter I think that is reasonable. You'd still have a couple months notice to plan vacations. Or if this vacation is that important to you, ask to plan it in advance regardless of what his schedule turns out to be that week and he'll have to arrange care for her when not working. I understand its frustrating, but as long as he is willing to commit to creating the schedule every quarter, I don't think its too much to ask. Its not like he's some unemployed bum who doesn't care about his daughter. Its important she has time with him, and not always a babysitter instead of him on his 'days'.

It seems like you'll have to figure it out quarter by quarter. There should be some consistency in his schedule, so the two of you could work out the day or days that are best for both of you. I'm sure it is frustrating not to be able to plan ahead much, and of course it is better for your daughter if she has a stable schedule. But it's more important that he wants to see her and will be there for her. My sister divorced a police officer when her boys were 3 and 5. The schedule was tough, but they knew that he wanted them to be with him when he could, and that really helped. They're grown now and doing fine. It does seem unfair to you that this change will disrupt things, but try not to focus on the inconvenience of it. That won't help your daughter deal with the changes. Good luck to all of you.

I think you should be flexible and she should spend as much time with her dad as possible. Visitation agreement or not. Why does a parents time and attention have to be so regimented. I agree with previous post - he has a viable job and is providing for his daughter and wants to spend time with his daughter. He's a cop, they have these schedules cut him some slack.
As for the every other weekend and needing a break - there are many parents who never get a weekend break from their children. So in that aspect, you've been lucky too. He isn't the custodial parent so he hasn't had the opportunity or reason to try and manipulate his schedule and set stuff up like a sitter like you have - it's outside his realm of experience as a parent right now, but he can learn to do that. If you work every other Sunday, why wasn't she with her Dad on that Sunday? Why couldn't she have been? As far as dependency - you have a daughter that is depending on both of you to be her mom and dad and care for and love her. You are dependent on this man for at least 14 more years and he is dependent on you too. You have to depend on each other to do the right thing. Picture your life and your daughters life without him in the picture at all - no financial support, no moral support, no time with dad. It's a difficult situation, but it can be worked out with your daughters best interest in mind.

I cant really blame him for wanting to flex... if he only gets her one day a week, and every other weekend, that is only 8-10 days a month. Obviously if he sees her so little, he wants to be able to spend the time he has WITH her, not pay a babysitter to have her at his house... whereas you are able to see her every day, so a couple of days of babysitting is no big deal.

~Compromise is the key here. If he is getting his schedule every quarter, that is 4 changes a year, not too unreasonable IMO. And he needs to understand that you can't plan around his schedule, and be flexible about his visitation (if you want to leave and he loses a day with her, maybe make it up the week before or week after... or he just deals with it...) As for the weekend time, maybe a grandparent or favorite aunt/uncle would be willing to take her.

It's hard to constantly switch schedules (growing up I was shuffled between 4 different households due to work and divorce issues...) but it's better to be willing to compromise than to deprive your daughter out of time with her father.

My heart goes out to you... I can't imagine doing everything you do on your own. I do agree with the other posters that it isn't your ex's fault that they changed his schedule and kudos to him for wanting to be a part of your daughter's life. My parents are divorced and my Dad is an OB/GYN so he had crazy non-traditional hours. That said, he wasn't interested in being a part of my younger sisters' day-to-day lives so that was very hard. I think you have to do what's best for your girl and work with the Dad - and like with any job where you'd have to give advance notice of a planned vacation, you can do the same with your ex. Maybe with that kind of notice, he can have someone switch shifts with him?

As for help around the house and having two seconds for yourself, you DO need support! Do you have any close friends or family that would be willing to help you for a few hours a week? Even paying a middle or high schooler to be a mother's helper could work. If you work out, I know the Y has free babysitting so you can get a workout and take a loooong shower after (and that is so nice!).

Good luck - it isn't easy but you are doing the best you can. As long as you continue to put your daughter first, you will be fine, After all, time will fly and she'll be gone to college before you know it!

It's not like he's waiting to tell you his schedule the week before, you said he would know quarterly and will let you know the beginning of each quarter. I think this is more than fair and enough notice.

My ex husband and I work with each other's schedules if something comes up, we just switch things around. However, my husband and his ex are another story. She is the ex from hell and makes every little thing difficult. If we don't return her call within 5 minutes, she calls the cops on us saying we are not allowing her to talk to her daughter.

So I would say, work it out the best you can and try to compromise. He's not trying to be difficult, it's his job and be thankful he's working and I assume able to pay his child support. Its not worth it fighting and all the drama. Good luck!

It is not your daughter's fault that his schedule changed. Not your fault either, but you as the grown up must work with what is given to you.

Plan a vacation as always, if it happens to be during his normal visitation time then he will just have to live with it. You just put in there that you will give him at least 3 mos notice of said visitation.

Since he is working 2 pm - 10 pm, that would mean that on his weekends he would still be able to have her from 7 am (or whatever her normal wake up time is) till 1 pm (or whatever time her nap would normally start) on both weekend days of his normal weekend. You may have to make this every other weekend that he has her for these hours so that you get your break and he has his time with her. This could work out to your advantage as you would not have to have the Sunday babysitter anymore as you would have him to do that and you would have 6 hours every other Sat and Sun to do whatever you need to do.

You would pay daycare full time and if his days off were on weekdays he could chose to keep her with him or take her to daycare, but he would have her overnights too (as if it were a weekend). If his days off fell on the weekend then you get a bonus extra time on weekend. If he knows months in advance of your vacation time then he will be able to plan around it.

Honestly I think this will result in him having more time with his daughter without you losing much time.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am a single mom too. And, I would not be able to do that "let me have visitation whenever I can" schedule. I don't agree with just doing whatever he says and being 100% reliable on him to know when you have free time. I personally think that your ex should find a work schedule that works around his daughter. As far as the weekend thing goes....there might not be much you can do about that if he has to work weekends. Just to clarify, does once every quarter mean that he knows his schedule a few months in advance? If that's the case .... it might not be TOO bad. Then you can still plan some stuff. Or, even on "his" weekends - he can have her from the time she wakes up until noon or something before he goes to work. I mean, he gets off at 10pm the night before so it's not like he can't get enough sleep to wake up and get her in the morning. At least you'll have mornings on the weekends to have a break. I'm sorry. I know I'm rambling. My ex and I currently have the same schedule, wed nights & every other weekend. I don't know what I'd do in your situation. But, I absolutely do not think it's fair for him to think you should be THAT flexible. That's a bit ridiculous. And for the other women to say "if you were still married you'd have to deal with it" .... well you're not married. So you don't have to deal with it. You each have responsibilities to your daughter.

Hi S.,
What a tough spot to be in for you and your daughter. I am part of a "blended family". I have a stepdaughter that lives between two homes. It can be so challenging at times but when I start to feel frustrated I think about how hard for my stepdaughter to have to travel between two worlds. You sound like a loving mom so I would suggest that you just keep basing every decision on what is best for your daughter. The stronger her relationship with both her parents the better she will do in life. Thank goodness her dad wants to be an active part of her life and that he has the means to support her. I know so many unemployed people these days! Also, I have a sister who is divorced and she has difficulty engaging the dad. Her daughter is now 15 and pretty lost.

Good luck!
K

Speaking as a divorced mom with a 10 year old ( we got divorced when my son was 4) I would recommend seeing a mediator for a few reasons:

1) If your ex is paying child support, he is entitled to his visitation. BUT- he is also supposed to have a set schedule, which is better for your daughter as well. You are supposed to both make an effort to meet each other's needs, but it sounds like he is demanding that your daughter's schedule just be moved around ever month or week and that is definitely not what is best and most stable for her.

2) If you ended up going to family court over this, most likely the FIRST thing a judge will do is ask if you've been to mediation. If you haven't, he will probably require you to go anyway- so you may as well do it now. It is less expensive than paying for a lawyer and court costs as well. We have found it very effective in settling disputes over vacation, etc. Your attorney can probably recommend a bunch of local mediators who specialize in divorce/family issues or you can look online.

Normally when we have seen a mediator we each paid on our own for our private meeting, then split the cost halfway for the meeting together.

3) The good thing about the mediator is that not only are they totally familiar with all the legalities of your visitation agreement and how it is supposed to work, they are a non-interested party who will not take sides. Often the mediator will meet once with you and once with your husband on your own, and then you will meet together to hash out what to do.

Also, he will look at your Joint Parenting Agreement- and if you don't have one YOU NEED ONE RIGHT NOW. If you haven't got one, the mediator is the person who will help you work out those other issues as well as the schedule. Then the mediator will write it all up into one legal document for you BOTH to sign off on and you can have your attorney file it (or just a scheduling agreement as an addendum to your original parenting agreement or divorce arrangements) in court. This way, it is legally binding and you have something to fall back on if your ex keeps trying to change things on you.

Seriously, no matter how friendly the divorce was or how nice things seem to be now, or how much your ex loves his daughter- get EVERYTHING in writing. I learned the hard way - please take my advice on this and realize that just saying " Oh sure, we can do that" means nothing legally if your ex changes his mind or his circumstances change.

4) Be prepared- make sure the mediator knows that you are not trying to keep your daughter from seeing her daddy- but that you want things to be stable for her and this hodge-podge schedule will not be predictable and comforting for a 4 year old! Also, you are willing to accommodate him reasonably- but come on, to be realistic, you have a work schedule too and he needs to meet you halfway here.

Ahead of time, figure out your MAIN goals- what is it you really want to get out of this mediation? It will keep things on track ( the mediator is also good at that- they will keep you from getting bogged down in old issues, other problems, etc, so you can focus on this one thing) and better insure a good outcome for you.

For example, if your main concern is how to schedule this December trip, make that a priority. Say " Although I think it would be more reassuring for Susie if she saw her dad on the same day each week, if there is just NO way to do that, then we will have to figure something else out. But I need to buy plane tickets for our trip to her grandparents in December ASAP to get the best rate. Can we agree that I will have Susie for those two weeks and my ex can have her for 4 extra days in January when we get back?"

I know it's difficult- but crazy planning ahead and scheduling is ABSOLUTELY the way to go here. Not only will it be MUCH more reassuring for you daughter if you can point to the calendar and say " see? Next week you are at Daddy's house on Monday and Tuesday. I will pick you up on Wednesday morning for preschool." or to show her ahead of time where she will be on various holidays, etc. Trust me- it will make her feel much more in control of the situation just to be able to see that ahead of time.

But also- I have to tell you, it will save you a TON of arguing and bickering, etc. to have as much of the schedule hashed out ahead of time as possible. Honestly, the way your ex wants to do it is just a fight waiting to happen.

My ex and I have our basic schedule, in which he has our son roughly every other weekend ( we used to do it so he had a weeknight over night as well, but somehow after a month or so, it never works out, so I have stopped even trying to maintain it and he has never requested it back again) and we do holidays every other year ( if I have Thanksgiving, he has Christmas, etc). He gets my son for one week vacation in the summer (I've offered him 2, but 1 is all he says he can take off work).

So that is MOSTLY worked out. We both try to be flexible when special events come up or weekends need to change, etc. and that helps a lot. BUT- in addition to all that- about twice a year, in spring and in fall, we have a giant go-around of emails back and forth with calendars and dates and schedules, just to set up summer ( day camp, swimming lessons, vacations, visiting grandparents, etc) and then again to set up the school year schedule.

It is important to understand that you are not you ex's 'secretary' here. Honestly, its sad sometimes, but all you can do is set up the schedule and stick to it as well as you can and be there for your daughter if he drops the ball- whether because of work or whatever. Some things are just not going to work out.

but- see a mediator about this and let them help you. It absolutely will help and hopefully your ex will see that this is about your daughter feeling safe and secure- not about you being hostile!

good luck and happy scheduling!!

Full disclosure - I come from parents who are still happily married to each other, and I'm happily married to my daugther's father. So this is just my opinion, for what it's worth - I don't know what it's actually like. However, I'd say that it seems that dad is trying to be with his daughter, and it's in her best interest to be able to see him. He has a job that doesn't happen to be very flexible. If he sticks to a strict schedule, say every Wednesday night to Thursday morning, and has to hire a babysitter if he can't watch her, she's going to be seing day care workers all week long, babysitters on Sunday while you're working, and babysitters on Wednesday nights when he's working. That's a lot of alternative caretakers. Even the best hired sitter can't provide the love and consistancy of a parent. We all have to hire people sometimes, but if you have the option to work around his schedule so that she can spend his days off with him instead of with hired help, that would probably be in her best interest. I hear you about vacations - perhaps once a quarter you could have a pre-scheduled week or weekend that are his no matter what. That way you can make your plans ahead of time, and if he has to work that weekend or week he can find alternative care for her.

We are dealing with the same issue. My soon to be ex is a police officer working the 4-midnight shift. My LO hasn't started daycare yet so he is spending time with her in the mornings right now and every other Saturday when he is off... his schedule changes without any notice to me and I have to cancel my plans even if it is 'his' time or day (my plans are usually chores... cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc.). So far we havn't got any definitive way of dealing with it. I don't mind the changes when it's out of his control but it really drives me crazy when he volunteers for an extra shift on his day with our daughter and doesn't consider what I might have planned or try to arrange a make up day. The fact is, his lack of consideration or effort with our schedule is a lot of why things didn't work out in the first place. It sounds like you have it a little better... maybe since your daughters dad is the one with the difficult schedule he would understand that you need to make some plans in advance. Maybe say one or two days a month he will be 'responsible' whether or not he ends up working, so he can arrange a sitter if necessary once he knows his schedule?

I am in your same shoes. And have been wondering what to do. I am a mother of 2 y/o twins (one with medical problems) and 4 yo. Their father and the kids step mother are both LEOs. When I was married to the kids father I had no problems with the schedule. But now that we have seperate lives, the change of shifts and the last minute shifting of schedules is playing havoc on my life. I deserve to have my own personal life but it is getting hard with the constant changes. For example, I started to date someone with his own son, our days without our kids matched until recently after a change of shift. So we have put a hold on things. I can see this becoming more and more of a problem. I would be interested to know how this handled by other ex-spouses of LEOs