Vindictive MIL Strikes Again: What Do U Think?

The best thing to do is avoid her and everyone else if you have to. Have you read Toxic parents? This book is great. Life is too short to be mis-treated by anyone EVEN family. That party was way out of line. Sounds like a control freak. I have to avoid my own mother for everyone's sanity.

Good luck!

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Your MIL is a piece of work - as is the rest of the family.

I would have your son write thank you cards to all the family members that attended the party/gave gifts and that would be the last contact anyone in your house would have with them for a long time.

As for his real birthday party - make it a friend party at a bowling ally or something. Or take him to his favorite restaurant on his birthday. Really, he doesn't need another family party at this point.

Personally, I would cut ties with these people or at the very least would not speak to them for a long, long time (a year or more). If they call, let voicemail answer the phone and don't return the calls.

I'm with you, what your MIL did was unforgivable - she put your son in the middle of her beef with you and your husband. Unfortunately, she'll never see you as anything more than the "enemy". Given the chance, she'll try to turn your son against you. Don't let her.

Good luck.

My friend, "had" a MIL just like that. IN fact, her Husband, his siblings, and ALL the neighbors cannot stand her either. She is a toxic case.

That said: her husband and she, DISOWNED MIL. Period.
She was damaging them AND their 2 kids.
They disowned her. That was the only way.
Her Husband, had no problem with that, with his Mom. He KNOWS she is a toxic mess... and very very damaging... to him/his wife/their kids.
The woman... is beyond therapy.

THEY decide, what they do, how/when they see her if at all... and they spend all their special occasions and holidays, the way they want.... as a family. THEIR nuclear family.
My friend's MIL...even outright tried to make she and her Husband divorce. Blatantly making trouble for it to happen. And, messing with her kids emotions/minds.... and damaging them with toxic psychological/emotional black-mail and passive aggressiveness and talking "stink" about the parents to her Grandkids.

The thing is... she will not change. She does not have to. She has many people/family/relatives under her spell... ie: her control.
Trying to Psychoanalyze her... will be endless.. and will NOT lead to answers. Still.

Next: You DO need to know, and I'm sure you do... that your MIL making your Son a B-Day party...without you/Husband... was a GREAT manipulation.... a manipulation, upon your SON. A child. This... is sick. On your MIL's part.
Not.... to be overlooked.
It was manipulating your son Will... and making you/Hubby be ostracized in front of him... blatantly. Because, you and Hubby were not there, nor invited and everything, was done secretly. Even your Ex Husband... did not tell you. Probably because he was told not to... and so he was "manipulated" too... under the guise of him seeing his Son... invited by MIL... and told not to tell....

All the best,
Susan

If I have ever read anyone else's post that sounds entirely like my relationship with my MIL it is yours. It is the hardest pill I have had to swallow in my life thus far. I've had to quit talking to others talking about it because a- I was wearing out their ears, and b- no one truly understood how my MIL is. I posted on here after her last "antic" and got a lot of responses because I, like you, wondered what to do next. Most people said to leave it up to my husband- which I agreed with.

We have not talked, e-mailed or written since everything went down between us- my husband's choice. They have reached out but my husband will not return calls or e-mails. I have restricted my security settings on facebook so she can not see what I am up to because there was jealousy from her towards me. Not sure what drove it. It is the best I have felt about this relationship since we were married. Not necessarily because it is "over" but because I did everything I could and in the end, I can't heal what has been broken for over 40+ years. I asked my husband to try to help her get help before we were married and then early on in our marriage and he never wanted to deal with it. We used to fight a lot about it, now we don't fight at all. I am glad to not be subjected to the pain.

I hope no matter what you chose, you are able to find a peaceful place with your MIL.

Since you are on good terms with FIL, I would try talking to him about it. Ask him why she hates you so much, ask him why you are being cut out. See if he will give any insight into your MIL. If you can't come to a conclusion, you will have to decide together with your husband what contact if any is allowed between your family and your in laws.

You're husband is wising up, and his decision to have her not see the kids (or you) anymore is a good one. Does this mean your husband won't be seeing her anymore too? It would be good if she were completely out of all your lives. If FIL is going to be the way in to you guys for her (and it would be just like her to use him for this), then he needs to go too. This whole sneak birthday party behind the back thing would almost make me consider a restraining order to keep her away from the kids. If there are family members who are backing her against you - who needs them? Having them over is continuing the battle on her behalf. I don't know how old she is, but it's more than likely you'll out live her. She'll be safe to see again at her funeral. At that point if people ask how you feel regarding her passing, you can with total honesty reply that she is finally at peace - and so are you.

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MIL can be tough - she was very disrespectful to your husband and most of all your son - she should never have put your son through this - I would not take her grandchildren away from her but I would never let her see them alone anymore. Your husband would have to go with them all the time. I am very glad your husband understands your feelings. My mother her my grandmother never got along - I remember my mother throwing her bags out the front door, my mother never went on our visits to her home but no matter what we always saw my grandmother.

Wow, you guys need to be done with her. No question about it. She went way too far. Imagine how she will use your son and the garbage she will put into his mind as he gets older. Since the in-laws are all in this together, stay away from them as well until and unless they are willing to treat each and every one of you decently with none of this backstabbing business. Go ahead and have the party for your son, but invite your family if they can make it, your nuclear family friends, and your son's friends. If anyone in my family did this to me and used my son to do it, I would have no problem telling them they are not a part of this family and are not invited to anything we do and would close the door on them and walk away. This has gone beyond "conflict" into a sickness and you, your husband and your son are being dragged down by it. No more; end it now.

For the most part you will have to let your husband handle this, but I think she is way out of line. I would not let her take them anymore if she can not be honest about where she takes them. You have a right to know where your children are.

I agree what she did was wrong. Try for the sake of your children to just
tolerate each other. Life is too short for this. Pls. do not keep the children
from her. MIL relationships are difficult, but to punish her annd to keeep
your children from the special relationship between grandchild and
grandparent is just wrong. Pls. do not do that to your children.

I can totally relate. My MIL is the same way. I disagree with the posts that say cut her out completely. It seems like your kids like her and you cutting her out completely will hurt them and your husband. One day your kids will wonder why they can't see her anymore and may blame you for it. In time, they will see her for who she is and make their own decisions. My kids love their grandmom and I am often fielding their questions about why I don't like grandmom and my kids are 3 and 5. I think as they get older they will see for themselves but if I were to walk in tomorrow and say daddy and I have decided we will no longer see grandmom until she changes, my kids would be hurt, upset and blame me. My MIL flat out ignores me. They do not live close so when they come, they stay in my house, but they make a show of ignoring me. When they get here, they hug and greet everyone, including my parents, look at me and look away. Maybe if I'm lucky I will get an oh hi. We sit far apart at the dinner table and I spend most of their visit making myself busy in other parts of the house so they can visit with my husband and the kids. My husband sees some of what's going on and gets very upset and hurt by his mom and dad (they both act the same) but he can forgive them. I have tried talking to them but it doesn't work. They will just say they do everything for me and to make me like them but they just can't please me and then cry. They have lost friends bec they do this to them too. It will never change. But you need to take the high road. You can't shut them out of your kid's and husband's life. They can but you can't. Allow them to visit but don't push visits. Invite them for parties etc and let them decide. Should she disrespect you in your home? No, but you shouldn't disrespect your husband by telling him who he can invite either nor should you make him pick sides. Good luck

To be honest with you I would not have anyone over for a while. Just a birthday party for those who live with will be fine. I would do this because it seems everyone needs a break from each other. Lots of this and that going on and I would just focus on my own family. She is a buttinsky MIL and she loves the drama of it all. Making herself look like a victim.

I would say after a break of a good month. Maybe you and hubby could try to talk with her and your FIL to make things right. If not and she starts yelling. Then go home and raise your family without this drama.

I like peace in the family, IF the only way you can get is by being with just your family. Then do it. Make it a point not to talk about her to anyone. Do not comment on her when she is brought up by other family members. Just live a happy life.

She sounds like a doozy. I agree that you need to reduce contact with her and if you choose to do it in your home that is fine. I would however plan the party at a place outside of your home and still invite the Grandparents, a park, pizza place like Chuck E Cheese is good. In this cae you should take the high road and be polite to her but you don't have to be friendly. I agree with an earlier Mom that you dont want your Grandkids to suffer as a result. Is there a reason that she seems to dislike your or is she just a bitter and controling person? I would not bad mouth her in front of the kids or your husband just don't have her in your home. I would not mention the party she had at her house for your son without you and her own son. You may want your boy to sign a thank you card and sent it to them. Actually with people like this, killing them with kindness whne you are with them (in public, in your case) can do a number on them. She probably really wants to get a rise out of you and know that she has upset you with the private b-day party. If you are sweet to her in public it will really get to her I imagine. Others around her know that she has issues I imagine and they will think you are a wonderful person for being nice to her. If she does call you in the future to do anything though, besides have the grandkids over to her house, I'd tell her you are busy or have plans and can't make it. Try to concentrate and focus on the good thingsand nice relationships in your life and not the ugly, it wil help. Good Luck to you Mom

Hi,are you sure your mil isnt my mil?They sound like one and the same...lol.
Girl I have been married over 10 years and my relationship with my mil has gone from bad,to worse,to nonexsistent,to an outright war.My kids being in the middle.I have decided to cut her out and ignore her,just be polite,and keep up boundaries.You will not be able to show her how to act or teach her a lesson on respect(trust me it doesnt work).Just take the high road at all times,be classy not sassy,smile and ignore her rudeness,dont engage ever,dont stoop to her level,she wants to be the martyr.Youll never win so win by being the bigger person.Shell hate how youll come out looking squeeky clean:)

Dear Silver,
Unfortunately you cannot (well, you certainly can, but you shouldn't forbid her from seeing your children) That will give her the argument of being the "victim" (although she isn't) The best way to go (or rather what I would do) is like Julie S. said have your child write thank you notes to those who attended the party, and invite them to the party (just as a courtesy, whether they'll come or not) but I would advise against another family party, maybe you could invite some of your kid's friends over, or take him out to an attraction park or something like that, you know!, he's already had the party. I wouldnt even worry about the grandma, you will see that the more your son sees how she is with you despite your efforts, she will turn him agains her, instead of the other way around (if thats what she is trying to do) That happened with my mom and my grandma, long time ago, it wasnt until she realized that none of us (my sisters or I) would go to visit her because of her behavior against my mom, that she tried to be polite to her. So, just give it time, and always try to be the better person, not just because its the right thing to do, but because you will feel better about it too. Good Luck. =)

It's not appropriate for her to have a party that includes your ex without having you and her son there. Also, it's not appropriate for her to make a party for your son when you are the parent, if you were going to do it. It was especially wrong of her to be sneaky and not tell your husband that she was planning this. I thnk your husband must tell her that she was out of line and I would think twice about letting her see your kid/s unsupervised by your or your hubby. Clearly she was doing this to make you mad or get a reaction because she had to know that you would find out. If the family came and gave your son gifts, it wouldn't be right to expect them to celebrate his birthday and bring gifts a second time. Apparently she decided that since she would not be invited to his birthday party at your house, she'd have his family party on her own so that she could participate.

Hi Silver,
What a dilemma! Unfortunately I did not read your earlier portion of this problem and would be interested to know if your in-laws live close by?
Do the children enjoy their visits? Do the children ask to see them? Do they have other grandparents to visit?
With that said, it is evident that your MIL has no boundaries and is an infant, wanting what she wants when she wants it. She also is getting a great deal of attention from the other family members as she has created a war like scenario. The first thing I would suggest is family therapy or at least a session or two with both of you. It may uncover some interesting things you have no idea about. Not that one has to agree but sometimes hearing things are helpful.

If that suggestion makes you queasy, I would have family functions and not invite her to most of them/or any. Since she had the nerve to throw a birthday party and not invite the childs parents, there is no need to invite her. If you have tried every option, then stop pleasing her and start to distance your self and family. Do not discuss your actions with other family members because you do not know who is a friend or foe. For example, Thanksgiving if you are invited to go to her home and the kids want to see her than go with no expectations she will behave. Be pleasant and ignore all child-like behavior.
If you child was acting out, the prescribed treatment would be to ignore bad behavior. Ignore it.....reacting gives it power. If your husband is on board than work as a team.
Do what feels best for you and your family. Trust your instincts, feel confident that you are a kind and reasonable person. Do not look to others to validate behavior, utilize your husband as a sounding board. Limit her time with the chidren, and if you frustrate her enough she will call a truce. Be kind and firm.
Good luck, people can drive each other crazy for the silliest things and loose sight of what is really important.
Best,
D.

My response would be that there was already a family party. I would just invite your sons friends. But since you are close to your FIL, invite him and then have a heart to heart with him. Tell him what she is doing and see what he says. But it is a good start that your husband is siding with you on this one. I have my share of problems with my MIL and my husband is starting to see it. She used to say things when he wasn't around. So he was stuck in the middle. But now that she has Alzheimers she is slipping in front of him. All these years she made my life a living hell and now he see's it and is defending me. I understand that when he never heard what she said he couldn't very well say anything. But that is just down right WRONG to have a party for your son and not say anything to you. If you have tried solving this conflict and it is getting you no where....then stop trying, it's NOT WORTH IT! Since it is your husbands mother and he is making the decision for her not to be around... be happy with that and let it go. Let this be your husbands battle now. If you have caller ID and her name comes up just don't answer it. That is what I ended up doing and my MIL won't call unless its a real emergency. If she wants to talk to my husband she calls his cell phone. Just ignore her and show her that she is not getting to you anymore. Be Strong and Good Luck!

wow! that would be soo hurtful! i'm gleaning from some responses who read your other post that this is your step-son, but still even if he is not your biological son, he IS your husbands. And if your relationship is anything like mine with my stepdaughter your hopefully close with him.
At this point i would have your husband handle it. It sounds like she is hurting your family - i feel that extended family is very important too and its sad that things have gotten so bad, but at this point those you need to worry about are you, your husband and your children.
Maybe if you & your husband decide on a complete diconnect, either a) they will realize what they've done and miss their grandchildren and have a turn around or b) you will be rid of the drama and harm they are causing to your sons and your family.
Its sad because you say you are on good terms with FIL - can you and your husband talk to him? find out what the issue is? and tell him you're at a point of completely disconnecting with that whole part of your extended family and see what he says? maybe he doesn't realize how bad its gotten.
Good luck. I'm sorry for what you're going through :(

Wow, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this stress. The only thing I can tell you is in our house we each deal with our own family since we have the length of a lifetime relationship. You should speak with your husband and help him realize that his mother is disrespecting both of you and your children. Then agree on what kind of conversation should be had and then it's up to your husband to take it from there. For certain conversations my husband takes his dad out for dinner and asks for suggestion on how best to approach his mom. But either way HE needs to have the conversation. Otherwise you will always be the bad guy. I don't have those conversations with my in-laws and he doesn't have them with my family. Good luck - i'm sure this isn't the last of it.

I went back and read your original posting about your MIL so that I had a clearer understanding about what is going on. It sounds to me like you are fighting a losing battle here. Since this was your stepson that she had the Bday Party for, you really need to let your husband handle this. I don't know what your relationship is with your stepsons, but you have to let your Husband take the lead in this and make sure that she is not sabotaging the relationships that you have built up in your own home with the older boys.
This just sounds like such a toxic situation, and I know what tension it can cause. I have dealt with an unpleasant and demanding MIL for over 40 years now and I can tell you that the best thing for you to do is simply step back and put your husband in charge of things. Why would you fight him AND her?? Don't blow up anymore like you did at the last explosion at her home that you wrote about. Don't let her bait you into being on the defensive and being unpleasant. You be the lady in this situation...I don't know how old your MIL is but you are going to be living with this crazy woman and her antics for a lot of years. My 3 daughters are now grown and on their own, two of them are mothers themselves...and they know their Grandmother for the woman that she is!!! They do not want to spend time with her, they remember how she ignored them as children and do not respond well to her gestures now that they are grown. She has always been the "queen bee" of the family...everyone has been scared of her for so many years and always just jumps to do what she wants...to avoid her temper and sarcasm. But if she could HEAR how her 3 children talked about her when the siblings and their spouses all got together for a week..she would be SHOCKED!!! I am sorry that you are going through this...I understand exactly how frustrating this can be for you. Your main goal needs to be to raise your children to be loving, caring people and to try and protect your stepsons as much as you possibly can. But your husband needs to be the main decision maker in this situation.

Tit for Tat... She behaves badly (accordong to you). We wasn't there. We don't know for certain. We don't have her side. You ban her from your home. Now she gives a party without you. Now you want to give a party without her.

It sounds to me that you are giving as good as you get and someone needs to be the bigger person and end this mess with apologies all around.

Even if she did completely ignore you at the party for your 1 year old... You did something before that and her before that. This situation didn't just come out of the blue and you've never been completely innocent. It takes 2 people to have a bad relationship.