Unmotivated 13 Year Old Son

When my oldest son was starting High School, football was a major motivating force for him. We were having behavior problems with him at home, due to a younger, disabled sibling getting all the attention. My husband left all the disciplining to me, and was absent when most of the bad things happened. It got to the point where my son
was physically aggressive to me. I told the football coaches, because they had said to come to them if you had any problems at home, they expected a high degree of honor and self-control from their team members. The coach told me to come to the first day of practice and talk to him about it in front of my son. We did, and he told him if there were any more incidents of aggression to me, he would be off the team immediately. He also said he could come and talk to him any time we needed to. He held it together, and never hit me again, even though he really wanted to at times (whenever I would try to put limits on his behavior). Long story short, he graduated with high honors and is now completing his freshman year at one of the finest academic academies in the United States. I credit the football team with helping us through this difficult time, when family values were not enough. This was a regular public school. He played at two different High Schools, because a new school opened his Sophmore year, and at both schools, the football coaches said the same thing (to come to them with any family behavior problems.) Football, it's a good thing!

Why don't you sign him up for PopWarner Football now? This is sing up time and perhaps starting a sport he wants to play will help him work on discipline since he certainly will have to have that. Several parents on my son's team last year reported their son's behavior improved and grades included since they knew they had to in order to keep playing. He will be around other boys his age and size and will learn to place the physical reactions he is having in the proper arena where he won't get in trouble for it. Shoot, instead of being in trouble he could end up being a football star and boost his confidence.

I read down a ways to see other opinions. I taught this age for 10 years -- my favorite age, especially the boys. (I had 7 children, including 4 boys myself, and now have a 13 year old grandson in my home). It is hard for kids who are "different" in any way, and they often take their feelings out in aggression, if they are large and strong.

I have very mixed feelings about the football advice. I saw it do very bad things for my stepson and one of my sons as well. It would have a great deal to do with the coach. One mother mentioned very good coaches. That's the attitude you should look for.

I'm wondering about your son's weight. I have two sons six feet and over. They are both healthy and strong and certainly don't weight anything like that. A 13 year old that size would feel very out of place. Is there any way the family could get a health club membership and work out together? What are his eating habits? I know it's difficult to get kids that age to pay attention to eating habits, but he does sound like "Man Mountain" and would be sure to get taunts, etc that would goad him to anger.
Again, bringing up football, there is a danger that his size and weight will be an asset in just bowling others over with his strength, so he will be valued, but not necessarily for the right things.

Hi, C.,

I don't have all the answers, but I can share my experience of a decade of teaching high school (junior and senior) and unofficially acting as a foster mother to my former fiance's teenaged brother as well as what I've learned in my undergraduate and graduate psychology course.

To address the academic issues, you might consider taking him to Sylvan Learning Center for testing and perhaps tutoring. I've worked at many different tutorial centers. I particularly like Sylvan because they provide excellent diagnostic testing, which identifies, in detail, each person's strengths and weaknesses. With this information, they, or perhaps you, the parent, can develop a TARGETED tutoring plan that will QUICKLY help make your son the best student and learner he can be. Better grades will likely improve his affect (mood) dramatically. Sylvan is not the cheapest tutorial program out there, but if my kids were having trouble in school and I did not have the money for tutoring there, I would try to find a way to at least get my kids tested there.

To address issues in general, you might consider taking himself to a child psychologist or taking your whole family to a family psychologist. (After identifying a few psychotherapists you think seem promising to your family, ask the psychotherapists if they operate on a sliding scale. Also, find out what your local community mental health center has to offer. You can often find good therapists there. The main drawback I have found with community mental health centers is availability. A therapist there might be able to see you for only 45 minutes once every three weeks, for example.)

As a teacher who has worked in many types of schools (private, public, magnet, etc.), I understand the desire to place one's child in a high-achieving magnet school. This school, as good as it may be, might not be the best for YOUR child. My former fiance and I moved to a part of town which had a great high school. My fiance's brother did not do well there, in spite of the great, new, safe campus and lots of attention from faculty and staff. He did not do OK until he moved back to his original high school, the first of many, which was NOT considered a good high school, especially in terms of academic reputation or safety (of the neighborhood).

Good luck,
Lynne E

Dear C.,

You may not want to hear what I have to say, but I will say it anyway. Your number one job right now is to get this child on the right path. Children want to do well. If he is not doing well it is because he can't, not because he won't. We must ask: why can't he do well?

You say you are "going to college online and loving it." I know online college programs are expensive and also require time an energy. I suggest that this year you put that on hold and use those resources for your son.

He needs therapy and an analysis of his learning profile. I suspect that he has some challenges with learning. The physical body is integral in learning: how we move through space affects everything. Sometimes when children grow quickly they lack coordination and/or have sensory sensitivity. Sensory sensitivity means that they misread space, are quick to respond to the kind of touch that most people would ignore, and may not be able to "sit still" or do some of the other skills required to learn.

Football might be a good outlet for him but it won't solve his problems. Most public schools do not have the capacity to do the kind of testing and support he needs. You will need to go to UCLA or Reiss-Davis or other agency to find the support you need to help your son. In the meantime, perhaps finding a mentor for him who can help him with his schoolwork and in the process advise him on life...a coach, if you will, a male who can offer a different model for him.

13 is not too late, but soon it will be.

Good luck.

"To top it all off he failed three classes in the 6th grade and is on track to do so again which will mean another session of summer school."

Sigh. How can a child "fail" 3 classes in 6th grade? I'm not saying this to blame your son, I'm blaming the school. I'm not surprised he doesn't feel smart (he's being communicated that he is not, he was labeled a "failure") and I would have strong, negative feeling if I was labeled a failure so young also.

I don't think "another" session of summer school will help him. I'm not a fan of signing up a child in the same "system" that failed him the first time to help him understand a concept. If they didn't reach him the first time, what makes you think they will succeed this time?

What subject did he fail?

I can't stand "Everyday Math" that they use in my son's district and this summer (he's going into 4th grade) I'm going to sign him up for a one hour, weekly summer program at Mathnasium to help "boost" his understanding. I was told that if kids don't understand the basic in elementary school, it will be much harder when they get to middle school. I can see he is a little confused and I sure am by EM, so I'm going to do that.

I agree he needs a learning style assessment. You can do this online yourself.

http://www.learningsuccessinstitute.com/

Click on Products and then Learning Style Assessments Online.
http://learningsuccessinstitute.com/aselfportraitonline/i...
It costs about $25-30. It's pricey, but it's worth it. You can do this for everyone in your family (about 8 yr olds an up can do it online).

I've done this for myself and my 9 yr old son. I took their 3 days workshops (first two sessions) in Ventura in the past year and a half.

Read their book DISCOVER YOUR CHILD's LEARNING STYLE. Every parent and teacher should read it and truly take the time to digest the information. I believe a simple assessment is in the book and you can do the book assessment (FREE) if you wish. But the nice thing about the online assessment is that it provides more, specific tips to help the individual with specific characteristics.

The Learning Success Institute does have a Coach program, where you sign up with them for a year and someone will work with both of you throughout the year to help him succeed. That is obviously more expensive, but you should explore it.

THey have AMAZING success stories. They have dealt with kids who schools could not help and the kids SOAR once they discover what THEY love to do and how they love to learn. Not everyone benefits from sitting still at a desk and doing boring work. There are ways to make the school work engaging and relevant to your son.

I implore you (like one of the previous posters) to make this a priority, because you do not want him falling through the cracks and perhaps - down the road - taking drugs. Dealing with a self-destructive 17-year-old with an alcohol or drug habit - who needs REHAB (now that gets pricey) is far worse and to avoid that... do this now.

The book is deceptively simple and it's easy to dismiss it, but I urge you to focus on that. There are other learning style books also out there.

EDITED TO ADD: THanks to whoever posted that CNN - Football/Sports/Brain Injury Link.

My 9 yr old son is very athletic. He loves being active. I have never encouraged football and I don't understand why other parents sign their sons up for this dangerous sport early. That link explains why I'm not a fan. My son just started playing Lacrosse this year, and it's been fine. But I'm still leery of full contact sports.

Is there a local rock-climbing wall to try? That would help him
- increase his strength (the people who climb are crazy ripped)
- learn to be in the moment and focus very hard
- be motivated by his own success (not competing with anyone else)
and so on.

Think outside the box - there has to be other "better" sports.

Can you ask him WHY he wants to play football? This might help you understand his motivation (whatever the appeal is). Though I would pay heed to the moms who said that the sport hurt their sons. And ANY lousy coach can hurt any player. There was a Basketball documentary in the early 90s that followed some inner-city kids and their basketball dreams. One coach pushed and pushed and pushed one kid to play DESPITE a knee injury. The poor kid grew up to be an adult who could never walk right again (the coach never acknowledged his part in this), let alone, follow his dream of being in the NBA. Parents should not just drop off and leave their kids at sports. You really need to stick around more and see exactly what is going on and what is being communicated to the children in their care.

This is a link for a recent CNN article, pertaining to the effects of sports/football upon athletes brains:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/26/athlete.brains/index...

Your son as you say, seems quite intelligent...but at this age, being "brainy" is not "cool", and physical prowess is.
It's peer pressure and kids learning what will get them popular or not, versus going with their own hearts and minds about themselves. They are forming their "own" self-identity now....
AND, in light of your Husband's lack of instilling positive ways for him to express himself, your son may NEED a "role model" to help steer him in the right direction.

Perhaps, your son might benefit from a "Mentor." There is the:
http://www.mentorkidsusa.org/
http://www.amazing-kids.org/mentors.html
http://www.calmentor.org/

Or perhaps a "Big Brother" might help him. There is the Big Brother Big Sister National organization of America:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...

Perhaps programs like these, can help steer your son into productive/positive outlets and help his "attitude" and ABILITY to think about things, 'smartly' and learn that fighting is not the answer.

If he can appreciate his own intelligence & learn self-confidence... perhaps then he can LEARN to be himself, instead of chasing the stereotypical ways that teens get hung up on, and get into trouble.

Football alone, will not "cure" him. But when current attempts at "anger management" or talking with him does not seem to "change" a child... outside resources such as Big Brothers or Mentor programs can fill that gap and provide help that even us Parents cannot provide... it is not "only" his 'anger' that is a problem... but its a symptom of many things, and a child needs to learn that in CONJUNCTION with gaining other life skills and managing their attitudes, AND feeling good about themselves... to learn acceptance of themselves.

All the best,
Susan

Hello, I worked for 13 years in an elementary school and dealt with many playground fights. One student we had actually came from CYA and was having some real behaviour problems. My friend and I took special interest in helping him to make it at our school. We just made sure that he knew that we respected him and he respected us. We learned his anger point and tried to reach out before he got there. It really helped him and the playground atmosphere. Is there anyone at his school who could take this on? Also, there was another boy who was having some behavior problems to the point where his parents took him to some counseling or behavior alteration counseling. He was actually taught to physically take two steps back and count to ten. We laugh about people counting to ten, but this really worked with him. He got into no more fights at school. There is a way to help your son, it is just finding it. I would also work on the fact that he wants to play football. He not only has to keep up the academic grades, but also his citizenship as well.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.

Sadly it sounds like he has learned how to deal with his anger from his Dad. His Dad is his storngest role model and has clearly modeled when you get angry you settle it physically. It sounds like you and your hubby need to get to the bottom of his problem and then take a united front to reteach your son how to deal with his.
Good luck!

I would love to have a conversation with you if you are open to it. You have given a few snipets of your life, but as a retires special needs teacher and now a Family Wellness Coach, there are a couple of red flags that have come up for me. Ihave some ideas but instead of "guessing" some of the other things you do or have done, I'd like to get a bit more info before I give advice as it would be better for you and your son to have the right information.

Would you like to chat? There is never any charge for family consultations.

B.
____@____.com
Family Wellness Coach

Dear C.,

It sounds like your doing all you can. Just let your son know in this life he chooses his our destiny. It's our choice of what we do with it. And fighting and feeling he is alone it's the case. All Students and children are having a hard time neing who they are these days.

My daughter had been beaten up by three girls in which they put on a web site for everyone to see. Her claim is she just wants to be educated and enjoy school and friends. I understood and listened and told her my advice. Plus I did all I could for her in the school district and even went so far as to get her in a better school. For what career she is wanting. They fought her because she is white. We had to move so I would be able to provide for her. But it didn't stop the other students until I went as far as sueing the parents of the kids who hated.

Just let your son know to walk away and let it go. No matter what. In the long run he will feel better and become the person he truely wants to be. He maybe become a jugde over it. No one knows what our future holds just have him make the best of it everyday.

They grow up fast and then they have adult issues.

M.

I do not know if this is costly, but, it sounds like he may have seen his behavior in his own house. Maybe some anger management classes for Dad? Could he and your son go to Kaiser together for help?

Have him volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. or with little kids. Having him around people he CANT hit sometimes helps. And seeing the less fortunate sometimes helps to clarify what the problems are... Also let him know that it is up to him. You can't do any more to help him than you already do, now it is up to him...
Good luck
R.

I know its difficult, but somehow you have to get him focused on somethign that will make him feel good about himself. how about a big brothers program where he can help and mentor/tutor younger boys who don't have male figure in their lives. Sometimes when you get them to focus on the needs of others they really benefit from the appreciate and admiration they recieve from doing selfless acts.

I know it is hard and I sympathize with you. And I applaud you for continuing to show him you love him and search for answers together. I think its so important to be able to empathize with these big feelings he has and let him know you love him regardless. Ask him to help you find solutions, involve him in his own care. Let him see the world around him, by taking him places out of the box to open his mind. And volunteer work can sometimes give teens a focus and let them see a side of themselves they didn't know about or embrace.

Just a quick thought, hope that helps!

some form of martial arts might be just the thing. They teach discipline and he would see it as a cool thing to do. Check out some schools. They should have a philosophy of nonviolence. Most likely if his dad has treated him roughly to discipline him this is learned behavior and it can be unlearned. He needs an outlet and he needs to learn self control.

You said that your son is bigger and taller than most of the kids his age. People expect him to ask older because he is not the "norm". Ask him if this put added pressure on him. Talk to his teachers. He just wants to fit in and when you are taller than the others, you really don't fit in. Football will be a great outlet for him. Speak to one of the coaches now and tell him that he is interested and what he should do NOW to be on the team. Let him see his report card and then tell him that he needs to get his grades up. However, I have seen a lot of schools that do not honor those guidelines. It is up to you, the parent to make sure that he does keep those grades up. Don't expect him to go from a D to an A. If he makes progress, no matter how small, praise him. Go on walks together or runs, if you two can do that. Is there an summer football camp in your area? Some of the parks and rec. have those for him to do during the summer. Good luck!

Hi C.,
Here is a suggestion for a great seminar for kids his age (they also have seminars for other ages as well as adults)
It is called Insight Seminars. The website link is:
http://www.insightseminars.org/TeenIA.htm

Here is part of the description of what it covers:

* Increasing self-confidence
* Improving communication skills
* Building inner strengths
* Learning how to work within a group and one on one
* Enhancing leadership qualities within yourself
* Developing better relationships with peers, teachers and parents
* Discovering how to step out of your comfort zone and meet other preteens just like you
* Exploring potential, discovering strengths and having a blast

I do know that these programs are really wonderful. You can also inquire about financial assistance.

All the best to you and your family,
M.

do you think that he possibly depressed about not doing well in school? even though you talk that is something that he man hide from you. when hes at school he deffinately stands out for his age. he may be fighting as the emotional outlet like you said. i like your some never thought i was smart so i put little effort in work that didnt challenge me in the right way. i would barely pass my classes but when it came to the state testing i would shine and do well... math was the biggest challenge because i would hit and miss with basic geometry but on the state test i would ace the trig. and calculus which i have never taken. im also and hands on learner. it seems like the root of your sons issues are that he doesnt think hes smart when he really is. he thinks smart people arent cool like most kids when he should realize that the people that act stupid and fight etc are the ones who dont always have real friends. your son has the drive to excell he just doesnt seem to have the want to start yet. i also think a sport will do him well. sorry about my rambling but i hope this helps.

At age 13 your son's brain is not developed enough for him to reason out consequences in the future (i.e. good grades in 9th grade in order to be allowed to play football). He can only have a concept of the now.
Suspension is too far off for him to think more strongly about it now.
This is a huge problem. He is probably failing school because he is not paying attention and not turning in his work or just not doing it at all. I would put him in Warrior football/(Pacific Youth Football League online) (depending on where you live) right now. It starts in july and sign ups have already happened. He does need an outlet with other boys his age and size. This football league has teams according to age and weight, this would be perfect for your son. It is a commitment because they practice for two hours every single day, monday - friday beginning in late July thru labor day, then practice 3 times a week with games on saturdays beginning the first saturday in September. It will channel his aggression and help him focus and get a sense of accomplishment which will help him in school next year.
How do I know this, this is what we did with our son who sounded like your son.

Your son sounds like a nice boy with a bit of mis-channeled energy. Put him in football right now --enrollment is going on now for Pop Warner and they have plenty scholarships. A succesfull experience in sports will turn around of the other stuff. Don't delay! Good luck.