Teenage Uncle and 3 1/2 Yr Old Nephew Who Fight like Siblings

Take your son to daycare, many people don't have the option of free child care. It will be tight money wise, but your son will be happier. It should also open up your parents eyes. If your son is in a environment he can't be happy in it will be well worth the money to remove him from this situation. I'm sure his uncle loves him, but 17 is a hard age. He sees his Mom and Dad loving "an outsider" and is having trouble dealing. He probable doesn't even know he is being mean. But your son is only 3, and for him to have that reaction when he sees his uncle is all bad! Remove him from the situation for a while and see how things go.

my only advice would be to find other day care. I would be wondering all day, everyday, how my kids were doing in a situation like that. Your mom doesn't seem to be doing anything to defend a 3 yr. old from a 17 yr old. Your brother is not sitting your son, your mom is. So i don't understand why others had suggested you pay your brother. If your brother needs space, then why doesn't he stay away from your son? It sounds as if your brother is jealous. I would not tolorate something like this in my home. My oldest is almost 15 and youngest are 7 and 5. My oldest knows not to go there with his siblings. Yes, there are times when my oldest wants time alone or with his friends and he gets it. But he adores his siblings and interacts with them almost daily. Sometimes he takes them outside with him if he is hanging out with his friends and they ride their scooters or bikes. He knows the boundries of how far he can go on how he treats them. I guess, it would be the values in the home and what is to be expected and we expect respect towards each other. I can't understand how a 17 yr old can fight with a 3 yr old. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope things work out for the good.

Hi L.,
I'm a therapist who specializes in teens and their families, and I think you're underestimating the emotions of your brother-- he may be annoyed/peeved/livid that he's been forced into tolerating his nephew twice a week, and it has nothing to do with your son-- it hasto do with teens, and how siilar to toddlers they are. Your best bet is to try complimenting your brother in to changing his mind about his nephew. Statements like, 'I know 3 year olds can be a pain-- but my son really adores you! He only says 'go away' cause he get so hurt when you reject him' could go a long way to improving their relationship.

try explaining to your brother how much your son wants to hang out with him because he looks up to him. He needs to realize he is now an uncle and with that comes the responciblity of being a role model. He will regret teasing him as your son gets older and resents him or even hates him. I had the same problem my son is now 11 and my brother is 23. I still have problems some times because they still fight occasionally but it does get better. Because I had a real heart to heart with both my mom and my brother. Explaining that i wanted to my son to be in lives but if they couldnt treat my sons with respect and as a human being that i would not letting my son come over anymore. Today my son and brother act more like siblings which i have excepted and do things together all the time. Is your 17 year brother the baby? This could have something to do with it to. good luck!

A reality check.
Listen.
This is your parents' house.
And your brother's house.
Your brother lives there, he is the minor child of your parents; it is his home.
It is not your home any longer.
You are an independent adult.
Your children don't live there.
Your parents are doing you a favor.
When you get something for free, ya know, you get what you pay for.
It sounds to me as if you are actually abusing the goodwill of your parents here, demanding more of a situation than you have a right to expect.

Your brother doesn't want a three year-old underfoot in his room, in his stuff, in his face, by the hour.
If his parents have agreed to have the kids there, true, he is stuck with it.
But it doesn't sound as if your parents are supervising things much.
This is between you and them.
I repeat, if you are getting this for free, well, you are getting what you pay for.
You are in no position to tell your brother how to behave.
These are not his siblings, and you are not his parent.
The best suggestion I saw here was to pay him.
I would extend that by specifying hours: could he be paid to spend two hours a day, one-on-one with the kids - on the pretext that it provides some relief for your mom.
And also, could he be given a lock for his door, so that his private time is private?

Hi L.,

I agree with Carol. Your son is on your brother's territory. Also, your son is pushing him around to get attention and it is working. Your parents have the right idea in ignoring it. I know you think your son is being picked on, but he is the guest in that house even if it is Grandma's.

Your son is probably doing more button pushing while you are there because Grandma and Grandpa don't react to it. Because you only have control over your son, teach him to respect your brother's boundaries and ignore it when he overreacts to get attention.

If you always get mad at your brother whenever your son cries, your son wins. That is not fair to you or to any future teachers at school, friends he may make, bosses he'll have, etc.

D.

This is all a part of growing up! A 3 year old does not have the right to "anything" THEY WANT WHENEVER THEY WANT IT. Yes, teenagers are NOT adults and they do have rights. You should be teaching "RESPECT" to your child. I have BOTH little children and teenagers, they are not at the same developement and you cannot expect the same from them. Teenagers want "their things" to be left alone by the little ones and a good parent also repects their space. You should also realize that the teen leaves alone the things belonging to your child. You need a attitude check by you and your husband = are you going to let your husband ruin the family relationships by his anger even though he does not get the full picture of what is going on??? You and your husband ARE ADULTS and should ACT like it. The teen should have a hands off area (his bedroom?) that he could retreat to when it gets to much for him. The "Grandparents" should TEACH each child where the HANDS OFF area is for each person, respect then comes naturally. LOVE your family, TOLERATE the growing time, RESPECT each person in a less than ideal situation.
I know your anger, I know your frustration, I know families can get along, it is worth the effort, you do not want to lose something so precious as "FAMILY"! L.

Dear L.,
I had a couple of thoughts when I read your post. Well, I have quite a few, but I'll try to keep it short. I can hear your frustration. I've been a single working mom and it's so difficult to find good childcare. My family doesn't live near me, so having them help hasn't been an option. You are very fortunate that your mom can help you with your kids. No childcare situation is perfect and no one will ever do things the way we do them, but I think it's safe to say that aside from the dynamic between your son and your brother, your child is in pretty good hands.
The other thing I wanted to say is that it doesn't sound to me like your parents are ignoring the situation. You said that your mom told you they BOTH start fights and arguments, but you don't believe her. It doesn't sound like your mom is placing all blame on either of them, but you seem to feel it's your brother who needs to be dealt with.
My kids are 10 years apart. It was right around the time my son was 3, 4...the fireworks began. If my daughter had friends over to work on a school project, my son thought it was play time and they were all there to see him. My daughter, on the other hand, became frustrated because she needed her brother to stay out of the middle of it.
Your kids are at your mom's house while you work, so even though your brother is the uncle, he's still just a kid and their dynamic will be like that of siblings. My kids absolutely adore each other, but did my son drive my daughter to tears more than once? Yes. Did my son cry because he felt he was being ignored sometimes? Yes.
Do I wish now I had a dollar for everytime I told them I was going to sell both of them to the Gypsies? You bet!
I reminded my daughter how excited she got when her step brothers came to visit and she tended to show off or be a little on the irritating side. I told my son that his sister loved him, but her room was off limits unless he was invited in by her. It was especially off limits if Sissy was doing work, because she would be in trouble at school if she didn't finish it. He totally grasped the Sissy doing "work" concept. After all, mommy worked and daddy worked...So, I would give him a job to do. Vacuuming and washing dishes were his two favorites. I'd fill up a sink of warm soapy suds and he would wash the same plastic measuring cups and spatulas over and over. He was doing his "work" too. There is a way to compromise, but it can't be all one sided. That's not compromise. And if you think that it's hard for you....imagine your mom dealing with it all day long. Maybe you should talk to your brother, but keep it positive. Ask him how he feels and really, really listen. Then, promise him that if he will try to be more patient, you will work on helping your son to understand boundaries and be a little more respectful too. And mean it!
It's natural to be protective of our children. And we should be. Your mom is awesome. She is being protective of you, your brother, and your kids, because she loves you all.
Just remember that "cooler heads prevail".

Best wishes!

If your little boy were to scream at you when you walked into the room, or at your mom, or at your husband, would you just let it go? Would you leave the room? I mean, he's just a little kid, right? So he should be allowed to treat people however he wants? If you are going to expect your brother to react like an adult, you need to treat him like an adult and make your son treat him like an adult. 17 year olds and 3 year olds really don't need to be playmates. He would like your son a lot more if he weren't forced to "be nice." And give up all his own space, time, etc. I know you want your son to be happy, but that shouldn't be at the expense of your brother. Think about the way you feel when you see your son's feelings hurt. Then think about how your mom feels about your brother. Her choice to watch your children is hurting her son's feelings. If your husband steps in, she may make a different choice. I'd think about it a bit before you attack the son of your only childcare option.

Your brother deserves privacy and time to himself. He's not the babysitter, unless you're paying him. Otherwise, tell your son that his uncle loves him but needs time to himself and your son shouldn't be going into his room. Explain to your son that if his uncle has his door closed to his room then he is not to be disturbed. Tell him that if he does disturb him there will be specific consequences ie., no tv, no dessert or whatever he's in to (and follow through with those consequences) don't just give warnings..then you'll lose credibility and he'll ignore your rules. Your son is not your brother's responsibility...cut him a break..it's annoying for him to have to deal with a noisy irritating 3 year old (sorry but 3 year olds can be very annoying..I have two kids of my own). Good luck.

You cannot put your child through that. It would be nice if your Mom would help solve the problem, but clearly she wont. There are many child care options out there. I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and got so sick of the drama of parents as care providers, and the dramas at day care that I quit my job and started my own business. That's not for everyone, but try to think outside the box for options. Try to think creatively and come up with a new idea about your childs care that will support and encourage their self esteem and nurture them through their delicate childhood. What about a sitter instead of day-care? what about someone in your church?

Wow, I don't think I have a lot of advice to offer, but this really brings up memories. My uncle was a teenager when I was born, and my sister and I really disliked him throughout our childhoods, for reasons much like you are describing in your family. Looking back, I can see that it must have been really hard for him to go from being the adored, spoiled "baby" of his family, to seeing lots of attention going to the new grandchild. It had a long-lasting effect on our relationship with him--we went over 20 years without any contact, and only started speaking again at my father's funeral.

I wonder if you could somehow help your brother realize what a huge influence he could have on your son--ask him to help teach a skill, take your son on outings, something like that? If he could realize how much the little one looks up to and admires him, perhaps it would motivate him to reach for a better relationship. Remind him that he will know his nephew for the rest of his life, and that he is a big role model for him?

Good luck! I hope your family finds a way to work through this--you are right to see how important it is.

I think if you can afford it, you ought to try another form of childcare for a while until your parents are willing to talk about it, at least. It is not fair to your son to be stuck in the middle of their blindspot. Maybe you could trade childcare with someone else nearby? Can either you or your husband switch your schedules around a little so that your children are with your mom less often or for shorter duration?

Barring that, talk to your son about staying away from your brother- maybe he can have a special activity at your mom's? Since your brother doesn't seem to get it, you could try taking your brother out and having a conversation one-on-one on neutral territory.

Hi L.,
Well, a tough situation. Anytime we involve our family in helping us with childcare, we kind of get what we get. But let me tell you my take on your situation just from what you've posted and how you've said it. First of all, I have 4 kids, all girls, and let me tell you, a 3 year old is all about "pushing buttons". They will do things you don't believe could possibly be coming from your child. I have watched in amazement as my 2 year old walks over to my 4 year old who is just minding her own business and grabs her hair and yanks as hard as she can...just to get a reaction! So yes, it's completely possible your son is starting fights and arguments. Believe it! Second, I agree with some previous postings as far as your brother not asking for this "job" of babysitting and needing his own time and territory. To be honest, your parents probably don't appear to say anything because they're with your children all day and see what really goes on and don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you things you don't really want to hear. Now believe me, I'm not saying your child is evil. I'm saying he's a normal 3 year old....and that encompasses a lot of different behaviors. Definitely have a one on one talk with your brother. Find out from him exactly how your son starts fights, and tell him to tell you the truth, whether he thinks you are going to like it or not and that you will still love him as a brother no matter what. You sure don't want your relationship with your brother suffering from this. I'm sure there are fights that your child starts and there are fights your brother starts, but from someone who's been there and IS there now, those little kids know just how to get under somebody's skin. I'm sure your boy can do the same thing to you at home, and it's just not as noticeable because you're used to it. But consider that same behavior through a 17 year old's eyes....pretty irritating. I'm sure there are aggregious acts on both ends, so I'm certainly not saying your brother is angelic all the time. However, it is not his job to entertain your son. He's not the babysitter. The fact is, he probably brought him back downstairs a few nights ago because your son probably got up there and immediately starting pushing those buttons. The fact that he only brought the one back down and not both is pretty compelling proof of that. These are not the things you were hoping to hear, I'm sure, and I'm sorry about that. I just know children and their capacity for seeking attention any way they can get it. Nobody's "bad" or "good" here. It's just normal behavior. However, I can tell you if you don't start to curb your child's tendency to instigate now, you will have a whole other set of problems on your hands in just a few short years. I know a lot of parents who's first thought is, "not MY child. He/she would NEVER.....". But yes they would and yes they do. My personal policy has been to believe the worst about my kids until proven otherwise! Wow, does that sound mean! But it's a whole lot more realistic and practical than believing they would be angelic all the time. And just one more thing. If it looks like you can't come to an agreement with your family that everybody is happy with, it's time to find a different childcare provider, however you need to do that. In the end, family is all we have, and you don't ever, ever, ever want to alienate any of your family with bad feelings, regardless of who's right or wrong. Your son and brother most likely will grow up to have an awesome relationship, because all of these things are temporary. Don't ruin that wonderful future for them over your own hurt feelings.
All in love, and God bless.

Another thought. When you leave your children, do your parents just let them go run around or do they interact, play and have activities for them? If not, the 3 year old may just want the attention he's getting from the 17 year old even if it is negative. I also think you need to realize that you have absolutely no control when you are not there. You have other options, you just have to look for them. Sounds to me like the 3 year old could benefit from preschool. HeadStart is an option if your income qualifies, there is help out there, you just have to look for it, it will not drop in your lap. I hope it all works out, but it won't on its own. Good luck.

I'm 43 and my 3 1/2 year old drives ME nuts!! Teenagers are a special breed. I say give your brother his space and let their time together come organically, because they WANT to hang out. They are both going thru phases that will pass, maybe not on your scheduale though!! Good Luck

Hi L., well, how come your 3 year old is spending time with his uncle? Isn't your Mom supposed to be taking care of him? This is the gray area, when it's relatives who are your care givers. The wonderfulness of knowing it's your folks eases your mind and heart while you are away at work, but it also blurs the lines between "employer and employee"...big time. So of course your son seeks out his uncle, because that is exciting to have that involvement with other kids. But it is probably better for him to spend his time there with your mom and dad, and his younger sibling. Your brother is 17, which is not the greatest of times to be empathetic, and for him spending time with his friends is of primary importance. For your folks, having him and his friends there is of primary importance, as they know where he is and who he's with and what they are all doing. It would be nice, however, if your folks could take a more active role with their grandsons and have them spend time together, instead of relying on letting all the kids play together, since that is not working out.

Perhaps you'd like to find someone who could come in to your home to do daycare for you, and someone whose house you could take your kids to, someone that you trust and know would be a good interaction for your kids. If not, then you've got to have a quiet space and time to really lay the cards out on the table with your folks and find out what they are truly willing to do for their kids and grands. Good luck. Keep it light and loving, but also be clear about your needs, and you may find common ground and you may find you all have different parameters. Hopefully it can work out. You need to do what's best for your kids.

Hi L. -

I've read your "So What Happened", and honestly you sound pretty defensive about the situation -- so please read this with an open mind.

First off, my kids are ten years apart, 6 and 16, and so I know quite a bit about how this situation plays out.

Your brother has the right to his own room and his own space. He should not have to entertain your son in any way at the drop of a hat. It is perfectly normal and reasonable for your brother to be irritated when your son shows up in his room unannounced. If he is doing something else -- talking on the phone, playing a video game, watching TV, doing homework, hanging out with his friends -- it is unreasonable to think that he should drop what he is doing and spend quality time with your son. The needed change is -- Your Uncle's Room Is Off Limits.

If you want your brothers to respect your children -- and you -- you need to show THEM respect first by allowing them to have their own 'safe harbor'. They did not ask to be child care providers (which they ARE doing if the kids are in their room without another adult, and certainly when you leave the kids with them -- and I hope you are paying them when they babysit for you).

In short, you are asking too much of your brothers, and if you accept that, and teach your children healthy boundaries (this room is off limits), then the problem will dissapate.

Good luck!

J.

hi L.,
Sounds like youre in a tight spot. It doesn't sound like people are willing to listen to your feelings as a mom. You're not just their relative anymore you are also a mommy who needs to have your kids treated with love and respect. Thats what makes happy kids and families.
We've had a similar situation-My daughter goes with my grandma while i go to school--thing is my grandma lives with my aunt, uncle and their two kids. They make big deals about every noise, every mess and the kids don't respect my daughters feelings sometimes. So, we are making some changes to better help my stress level, my grandmas and my daughters. I'm getting an apartment that is closer to my family so my grandma can watch my daughter at our house..
I don't know exactly what will work for you and your family but i deffinetly wouldn't let it continue this way.. Good LUCK!! any advice maybe you can fill me in!
Oh and if you need a babysitter you can call me and maybe we can work something out-I'm trying to do something to be able to stay home with my daughter so maybe we can help each other out
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____@____.com

I know you've gotten tons of advice but I wanted to chime in. See I'm in the unique position of having been in both yours and your brother's position.

When I was 15 both my parents remarried, both new spouses had young children. The youngest was 13 years younger than I was, the oldest was 6 years younger than I was. So by the time my youngest sister was 16 I had a 3 year old son also.

The first thing you need to do is get it out of your head that your "angel" wouldn't or couldn't POSSIBLY start fights with a 17 year old simply because he's 3. Because he CAN AND WILL. And he'll do it precisely because he's 3.

The second thing you need to do is teach YOUR son boundries of what is and is NOT acceptable behaviour towards those older than he is. Your 17 year old brother may not technically be an adult yet, but he's close enough and should be treated with more respect. Also teach your son that Uncle's room is OFF LIMITS unless Uncle specifically says it's ok. And that includes NOT standing outside the door and knocking constantly (or asking can I come in, or whatever) until he gets his way and is let in just to stop the annoying behaviour.

The third thing you need to do is sit down calmly and quietly with your parents and your brother and find a way to compromise on the whole issue. Let your brother know that you respect his needs and his space as much as (if not more) than that of a 3 year old.

You have no idea how frustrating it is for an older child who has no recourse against a tyrant of a younger child. Especially if that child's parents refuse to believe their little angel could be doing ANY of the things the older one is saying they are doing. I've lived that and it's NOT fun.

When my son was 3 and my daughter was 1, we went to stay at my mom's for a month. And the very first rule I laid down for my kids was that Aunt Ninny's room was completely OFF LIMITS unless she specifically told them they could come in. They weren't to pester her about being let in either. And there were swift consequences if they broke those rules. And those consequences happened EVERY TIME they broke the rule. It didn't take them long to learn and respect that that room was Aunt Ninny's private space and was to be left alone. And in return my 16 year old sister was MUCH more willing to help out with the kids and hang out with them when she was ready to. She's also turned out to be their favorite aunt.

But to solve all this you're going to have to have a conversation with your parents and your brother. And be WILLING to HEAR what your brother and parents tell you about your 3 year old and his behaviour. Take steps to correct what needs corrected and come up with a compromise for everyone.

If that doesn't work you may have to find some other child care.

Good luck and I hope I helped some.

Yes, 15 minutes of hanging out sounds reasonable. At the same time, how many times per week is your son interupting what your brother is doing to have 15 minutes? My son drove me bonkers sometimes when he was three. As another poster (and many of my friends who had kids before I did) said, it's really not the terrible twos but, rather, the terrible threes. I'm sure your son is a lovely three year old, but he is a three year old. Perhaps you can work out a plan with your brother and your son where your son understands that he is not to go into your brother's room without your brother specifically inviting him. At this age, my son loved those "no" signs, like no smoking signs w/ a red circle and a red diagonal line going through it. Maybe you could make one for your brother to put on his door. Then, you could ask your brother to invite your son in for 5-15 minutes per visit when *your brother* is not in the middle of something and feels like hanging out with your son. Also, try role playing some of what your brother is experiencing with your son. Your brother should act like he thinks your son is acting, and you should show him what words help your son understand that he is crossing a boundary, etc. A 17 year-old doesn't just know naturally how to handle someone else's thee year-old, even if it is his nephew. I think it's perfectly fair to ask your brother to try to speak to your son more lovingly *if* you let your brother know that you are working with your son to learn that your brother's room is off limits unless he is invited in (and that you will help explain other stuff to your son, too). Also let your brother know that he can talk to you about things your son might be doing that are upsetting your brother. If your brother knows he has you as a sounding board, perhaps it will be easier for him to have more patience when handling interactions with your son in the moment. Finally, make sure your mom has plenty of things to entertain your son; 3.5 year-olds require pretty constant attention (as I'm sure you already know). If your mom isn't able to provide this, help her out by bringing a few DVDs of shows with which you are comfortbale -- maybe Little Einsteins (not Baby Einstein -- totally different) and/or Sesame Street? That way your mom can have a small break here and there without your son having no recourse other than going to your brother. I'm sure your mom would be fine with this, and you wouldn't need to discuss the whole dynamic between your brother and your son with her. In a "typical" childcare situation, a 3.5 year-old would be receiving constant attention from adults and other children. I understand that your mom is your only option, and it is unlikely that your mom has the time or energy to provide nonstop attention. It makes sense that your son seeks out your brother. It also makes sense that your brother does not like being interupted at random and might not have the tools for working things out with your son. If you provide both your mom and your brother with some additonal support and your son with a better sense of boundaries for his time at your mom's house, like the ideas I mentioned above, I think you'll have a much better chance of fixing the situation than you will if you only focus on trying to change a 17 year-old boy's behavior.

I can see how there would be conflict between a 3 year old and a 17 year old they are both going through the stage of defiance trying to be the one in charge and it sounds like the 3 year is being allowed to be the boss of the 17. He gets to dictate where the 17 year old can go, the 3 year old gets to just walk into the 17 year olds room. Don't get me wrong your brother should treat him nicer but I think that there is some resentment there that needs to be delt with so that they can get along better. There needs to be a place where your brother can go where your son is not allowed and that space needs to be respected. Remember he is 17 and didn't ask for the responsiblity of helping to watch your son. I think that there needs to be a discussion with your brother and ask him what things he needs and tell him what you need and then make some rules for both of them to follow. Also make sure that your parents inforce them too.
Good Luck,
C.

I agree with you that it needs to be addressed. The challenge is to do it in a way that doesn't put your brother into defense mode, which is probably where he was when he said that your baby doesn't have feelings. He was just lashing out to make himself feel better, which goes to show that he isn't as insensitive as he pretends to be, and that he needs compassion too. Compassion is hard to offer when teenager acts that way, and yet I don't think you'll get anywhere without it.

If you're willing to consult with a professional, I would suggest Sharon Ellison in Oakland. She is not a therapist. She's a communication scholar who has written several books on non-defensive communication. She could help you find words that disarm your brother, or rather discourage him from taking up arms in the first place. She would practice the conversation with you until you are comfortable with your words and approach. In my opinion, you'll have the best chance if you practice the conversation before actually having it. Bring your husband. Sharon's techniques will serve both of you over the years as your own children grow.

Hello L.-!

I have a 17 year old son, and also 3 more children younger than him, the youngest being 6. Your brother sounds like a very normal 17 year old - Your 3 year old also sounds like a very normal 3 year old- I've firmly decided it isn't the 'terrible twos' - it is the 'terrible threes' - three years old seems much more difficult that two.

Since it is your parents who have agreed to watch your children, and not your brother, I would go out of my way to give your brother some space - and teach your 3 year old to give him space also. After a while, and when your brother feels he can have a relationship with your son on his own terms, he will most likely choose to engage with your son - but in his own way.
Your son can use this as an opportunity to learn about boundaries and that his actions have consequences when it comes to relationships with other people. Your son can also choose to not be involved with your brother for a while - but that he cannot seek attention or forced interaction with other people in this negative way - it will only bring on negative behavior from others.

As far as your parents are concerned - if you are not happy with how they are with your son, I would think it is best to find other childcare arrangements - they've obviously raised children and have their own ideas about it - and are probably not going to change too much.

Sorry, but I think you're wrong. I have a 3 1/2 year old and I try to teach her boundaries and personal responsibility. They can understand a lot at that age - and they can push buttons with the best of them. I like what someone else said - he is on your brother's territory. Your brother shouldn't be forced to spend time with your child(ren). Your mom is the one who agreed to take care of your children. NOT your brother. Anyway, yes, there should be a level of respect for EVERYONE involved. You really only have control of how your son acts...and if you don't like how he's being treated, find other childcare.

Hi L.- Unfortunately, teenage boys are whole new breed of humanity. Your brother and your son are close enought to potentially be siblings, and they are acting much like brothers would. The little brother is always annoying to the big one. And it may be weird for him to see his sister as a mom and respect you as a mother because to him you are his sister.
My only advice is this: Have a sit down with your brother. Be honest, but be gentle. Allow him to explain how he sees it and just listen. You are all grown up, but he isn't. That's a tough tranisition. As far as your parents go, perhaps there is something they don't want to talk about and are sparing someone's feelings. What I do know is that whenever I brought up an unpleasant subject, my grandparents always changed the subject and ignored me completely. That was their way of saying I needed to grow up and deal with it myself- that it wasn't their responsibility. Again, start with your brother. He may feel over run having little kids in the house when all he wants to do is be a teenager and not help be responsible for babies. It may weird him out and his quirky, crazy, teen boy way of dealing with it is to be.....just that....a boy. Hope this helps. I am sure he loves you and your kids.

I'm sorry, but I would not leave my 3.5 y.o. there. ask yourself if you would leave your 3.5 y.o. there if this was a day care you were paying for. if not, don't leave him there. this is not qualily day care. are you paying your mom? if you truly truly truly have no other options - i would pay the 17 y.o. for babysitting. even if its 5 bucks/hr. yes, i know, he really isn't babysitting - but the teenager is spending enough time to interact with your son, so your buying his time anyway. good luck!

First of all, NEVER discuss this with your child around. EVER. It is not good for him.

Second of all, have you talked to your parents about this? Are they not willing to work with you? Is your son bored?

Third, You HAVE options, you just have to get creative. Your son is being emotionally abused. I know that sounds harsh but if it's bad enough where your brother walks into the room and your son screams at him to leave him alone that is serious red flag.

Your brother is 17, and your parents have not taught him how to behave properly or how to manage small children. He's 17, he should have learned by now how to treat your son. But he hasn't, and not because your brother is uncaring or an idiot, but because of YOUR parents.

You need to find a preschool. There are many options out there that will help subsidize daycare.

Call your local community care licensing, or call your local welfare office and ask about subsidized child care. Both will be able to give you the information you need.

Your child's emotional health if far more important than saving a few bucks.

First of all, you need to have a heart to heart with your mom. You need to find out exactly what is going on. Second, it sounds like your brother (who, by his behavior, I'm assuming he's the "baby" of the family) is jealous. Your brother needs to grow up and get over it. He needs to learn how to be nice your son, but your son also needs to learn when to give his uncle his space (very hard for a 3 year old, I know, but he still needs to learn it). There is no reason you should need to find other day care options, because unless your brother is homeschooled, I would assume he's at school most of the day. If your mom is homeschooling your brother, she may have too much on her plate with that and babysitting. You also might consider thinking back on how you treated your brother (or any other siblings), and consider that he may be treating your son the way he was treated. I would also have a heart to heart with your brother and let him know that sometimes your 3 year old will say things that aren't nice and that it's important for the adults to teach him better. My 21 year old brother gets his feelings hurt when my 3 year old is rude to him and I keep telling him to let her know that it's not okay to behave like that (if I'm not around when she does it, otherwise I take care of it). If your parents are going to agree to babysit then they need to step in. If they are not willing to take care of the situation, then yes, I would suggest finding a different day care option.

Find another childcare solution!
It might be hard, but it seems important to detach from the family weirdness and give it some space so you don't have long term resentments or long term guilt.
There are other choices, though they may take some time and creativity to find. --Making friends with other moms & swapping childcare?
I'm not so bothered by your bro being insensitive (17 yr olds are a self-centered lot), but it would be a lot better if your little one could run to understanding arms when he's hurt, and if your parents aren't being compassionate that's a problem.
It sounds like everyone might need to accept that other people have a right to say no sometimes, and then find other options: you about your childcare situation not working; and your son about his uncle not always feeling welcoming to him!