Step-son Out of Control! What to I Do? PLEASE NEED HELP!!!!!!

He needs firm boundaries, and his father needs to set them and enforce them. The whole family needs a good counselor. I've been in much the same place, and ole Dad needs to plug in and get into the game. You need some relief. The child needs major boundaries -- and the sooner, the better. Don't hesitate or wait to get a counselor. This situation will only get worse if something isn't done right now!

Hi A.-You should definately look into going to a Love & Logic seminar! They do have books out that you can buy - "Parenting with Love & Logic" is one for example. Actually you should check out their website www.loveandlogic.com they hav alot of techniqes to use on difficult kids. The most important thing is the power of consistancy. Don't give up on him, yet! There is help out there! And I will keep you guys in my prayers. Best of Luck! I would love to hear what happens.

C.

A., I hate to say it, but he sounds like most 13 year old boys I know. I think you need to lay the ground rules for the relationship between him and you, tell him what you personally will and won't tolerate, but it should concern more the living arrangement then the raising him arrangement. It's up to his own mom and dad to raise him, that's their responsibility. I had a stepson that came to me when he was 7 years old. I asked him, for example to chew his food with his mouth closed. If he didn't I simply would remove myself from the table after reminding him politely once. My husband thought I was ridiculous and had no tolerance. I thought my husband should have taught him better manners all along so he would have an easier time in society at large. It wasn't about me, it was about the little boy and his future life. I didn't give out punishment, again a no win situation if your husband doesn't agree with your thinking. I spent a lot of time around my stepson and we did a lot of talking. For example about school. I would be willing to help him, but if he had a fit, I'd stop. I'd explain, I already went through school and I made it. He should make up his own mind if he wanted to succeed in school. If he did come ask me for help with a good attitude and if he didn't he would just make less money in the future.
It's all hard going either way, but my suggestion is to take a more distant attitude and don't get so emotional. Make the kid work for your attention, by coming your way and if he doesn't want to do that, take yourself off the hook. My stepson came around and understood after a while that it was out of concern for him and his future life and out of love that I took my time to teach him things.
Hope this helps somewhat, good luck.

I understand how you feel. I am in a slightly similar situation. I have been with my fiance for three years. We have a two year old son together, and he has a five year old daughter from a previous relationship, his daughter lives with us full time. Even though I have been in his daughter's life since before she was two she still views me as the "intruder" on her and her father's close relationship. She purposely disobeys me and constantly reminds me of the fact that she is #1 in her father's life. It got so bad that her father and I couldn't even hold hands in her presence. The situation is slowly getting better only because my fiance is finally figuring out that he also needs to talk and deal with his daughter's behaviors and teach her to respect me. Your son in law is probably having a hard time dealing with the fact that you are closer to his age than his fathers. My fiance is 20 years older than me, his daughter's real mother is much older than me also. Your husband needs to realize the seriousness of this situation and back you up or possibly lose you.

You are very young to be taking on such a responsibility. But, it can be to your advantage also, because if you remember what it was like when you were 13, it will help you to relate to him. I come from a broken home, and when I was 12 through 14 it was rough. Kids don't understand why their parents aren't together and they don't know how to express their feelings. It usually comes out in defiance and whining, etc. Once you get passed the initial visit, it is always easier to talk to somebody you don't know. I would recommend taking your step-son to a therapist. He probably isn't going to like it, but it will be good for him to talk to somebody and to have somebody help him figure out how to channel his anger or whatever he has going on inside. I believe all of us need somebody to talk to that is outside of our circle sometimes. It gives an unbias look on things.

I think it is something you and your husband should work on together, not just your husband doing the discipline, because you are a family. It says a lot that your step-son says he doesn't hate you or want you to leave.

Don't give up, just reach out and look for some other solutions. It might be something you need to see a therapist as a whole family for. It is very hard to blend a family. You married your husband for a reason, don't lose sight of that even when it is tough. You deserve to be happy as well as your husband and step-son.

Best of luck to you.

I was nineteen when I married my husband (of eleven years now!) and he had a little girl, who is now 16. My husband and I have four other children together, so I can tell you from experience that having a step-child is VERY, very different than having your own children. You really need to step back and just love him without demands. Assume that he is never going to respond, but love him anyway, just like God loves us. And yes, pray for both him and your husband, that they would also accept God's love. It's been a hard eleven years with my step-daughter, but we've finally gotten past the hatred, anger, and fits, and I can see a brighter future ahead!

My mom remmarried when I was 13 years old, so I understand how your son feels. It's difficult, as a child, to all of a sudden have your parent remarry and your entire life changes. Even the best step-parents don't get the respect they often deserve until years down the road. I have a great relationship with my step-dad now. The discipline needs to come from your husband. he is the boy's dad. The boy is not going to respect you as his mom because you are new and not his real mom. Plus, you are only 6 years older han him and that probably doesn't help him look up to you as a parent figure. Your husband has to be the one to discipline, although you need to be consistent as your role as co-parents, try to back off a bit and just get to know him as a person and build a friendship. The next 5 years will be challenging, but if you work on building some type of friendship, show that you have geuine interest in him, someday you can be closer.

I agree with the others that you need to respect your husband's wishes on this. Your new marriage is more of a priority. Have you talked to hubby about taking a parenting class together or going to a parenting conference? It might help you two get on the same page about what behavior is acceptable and what to do about those that are not. I'd also recommend reading a book together. Love and Logic has some great books on teenage years, and I just started a book called Grace Based Parenting that looks excellent. I love it that you're praying for your stepson and that you have a positive outlook on who he is...he needs to know that you respect him and think he's a good kid. That will go a long way!

You are obviously a good and patient person. You are in a difficult situation, not just because you are so young, but because your husband isn't backing you up. The first thing you need to do is work out a plan with your husband. I'm sure he is being very easy on his son because of the divorce - he wants to hold on to his son's affections - not be the "bad guy." But he is not doing you or your son any favors. All kids should feel a sense of ownership and duty around the house. Ask your husband what duties he thinks your son is old enough to be responsible for and how many hours of video games he should be allowed. Then both of you discuss it with your son. Have a little bit of negotiation, so he feels like he's a part of the decision. Whatever you all decide as a family, write it down and all of you have to stick with it. Start with trust - he is expected to follow the rules on his own. If he doesn't, your husband has to tell him that you will be holding the remote/joystick until he has held up his end of the deal. You give it to him when his chores are done. That's not punishment, it's merely consequences. He may get angry, but he'll know it was his own doing. You also have to be sure to notice and reward good behavior - not in a cheesy, over-the-top way because kids hate that. But a sincere "good job" or "nice work" means a lot. Teenagers often feel like they can't do anything right and even a little negative comment cuts deep. When he does bring in the wood and stack it up, a simple "thanks, that helped a lot" will make him feel good about his chore. The key here is to get your husband to stop being his son's friend and start being a father. And you two have to work together, or your son will always be playing one of you off the other.

A.,
You are in a tough spot. Being a step mom is hard enough but you are only five years older then the boy, and if the father has trouble backing you up on the situation that makes it more difficult. Also you are a women that believes and you married a man that does not share your view. Husbands are suppose to be the spiritual head of the household. That is the natural position God gave them, but since the fall man has not being doing that job to its fullness. I know this doesn't sound like a lot of fun but you need to get some marriage and family counseling. The lines of communication in your little family have broken down and need to be repaired. Your husband needs to know that if he will not be the spiritual head that he needs to still be an authority figure and help to keep his son inline. Also, the video games need to go. 13 yr old boys need fresh air and exercise not the tv and video games 24/7. Find a way to limit his usage or remove the system altogether (if he has it in his room pull it out of there), force him to do his homework, and make him go play outside with some friends. If his father wants him to be a kid, doing homework and chores is a part of that. It sounds like his problem isn't with authority but that his father lacks authority. For your self try to breath and take a relaxing bath, moms need moments of peace and solitude as well as pampering. We work to hard.

First off I so understand as I am a step mother also. When I married my husband he was in a battle with his ex. The oldest was 15 at time and had never been punished for bad behavior so you can imagine what mess I had on my hands. The youngest (11 at time) was so happy to have a decent mom that he would do everything I said. First you have to understand that by law you can not be the one to punish your step son nor should you be the only one to do that. It will only make you out the bad guy and being a step parent is hard enough. Your step son knows that dad will do nothing and is testing you to see where his bounderies are with you (plus there could be some resentment there that you are taking his mom's place). If your husband is not doing his part then sit him down and explain that you are not a single parent here that his son needs both of you working together. You both need to be a team in parenting as children (especially teenagers) need to know that their parents are a united front. Then just back down as parent and let your husband see just how bad things are. This is going to be hard because things will get worse. My oldest step son ended up getting in a lot of trouble before my husband saw what I did and started working with me. Now the youngest is trying to do some of the minor things that his brother did but he is met with a united front.....actually I am the first line and my husband is the backup.

Now advice from my 14 yr old.

I would tell his father to start doing things with him like fishing, camping (father-son bonding) as it sounds like your step son needs to get away from his video games and into reality. I agree with my mom in that you need to talk to your husband about the need for punishment and team parenting. But also you need to have a family meeting so that both your step son and husband can hear what concerns you have and how it is affecting you. Then figure out as a family how to handle the situation. That way your step son knows the rules, what to expect and the consequences for his actions. It is normal at our age to be disagreeable when asked to do chores as I do that too. But I know what I will face if I don't as both my parents are like brick walls when it comes to anything; including school, house rules and even friends. As far as cleaning his room, at our age it is customary to have your own "space" to do whatever, and where you don't have to be eternally on your toes and can kinda get away. Until his room becomes a nuclear test area, let him have it to himself. And maybe have him pick it up every other week or so....and do major cleaning in the spring to air out the winter stench. That's all I have for advice from a teenager that has been there and back. Hope it helps.

Ashely - Did you or your husband ever stop to think that he's pissed off about his current situation!?!!!! His real parens got divorced which now forces him to go between two houses wihouth having a real "home". Wouldn' that upset you if you had to consantly go back and forth between homes?!? And you really have to ask why your step son is so "out of control". I think more parents should think about this before they divorce and marry again.... espcially someone who is barely older than your children.

You know, being a step-parent is the most thankless job in the world. Please don't listen to those who wish to criticize the position when they don't entirely understand what it is like (previolus post!). I have an incredible step son as well - he is 15 - we have our issues, but on the whole, I've been lucky to have him and vice versa. The couple pieces of advice I would offer is 1. your husband HAS to be on board, willing to support you, and do discipling as well. I don't think my step-son would have as much respect for me if it wasn't for my husband standing behind me. 2. someone else suggested love and logic - GREAT tool! I used to teach inner-city and i decided if it worked on them, it can work on any kid (except my 3 yr. old! :) ) Stay strong and keep praying for him - he obviously needs you in his life!

At age 13, he knows you are not his mother,,,,Leave discipline up to his dad! You and Dad need to agree and should discuss this in private. Son is controlling the both of you....Maybe the two of you should try parenting classes including step parenting. As you have been unhappy for the duration of your marriage, mariage counseling would help, too.....

Hi A.,
This is a really tough issue since you and your step son are so close in age (it says you are 19). He may not see you as an authority figure, especially if his father isn't backing you.

You are a woman of faith I see. Maybe the Lord wants you to seek him in his infinant power for your relationship with your stepson and your husband.

It's natural to be concerned, but mind your anger. Pray without ceasing. Pray for clarity, ears to hear, and wisdom to make the right decisions. It's never hopeless, because God can do anything.

I think it is really important to work with your husband to solve this problem. That way the two of you can be consistent in the way you discipline your step son. He will know what to expect and maybe not fight you so much. I reccomend talking to your husband. Let him know how much this upsets you and how much you worry about his son. See if you two can come to a set of consequences that you can agree upon. Then tell your step son about the consequences for talking back or not doing chores and stick to it. Make sure your husband sticks to the consequences also. Kids need consistency and clear expectations. Good luck and hang in there.

A. ~
Being a step-parent is the hardest job in the world! My son is 14, his dad and I have been together since he was 2 1/2. The most important thing to do is write down all of your concerns and then sit down with your husband and talk! You both have to agree on acceptable behavior,grades, punishments and rewards. If your son sees that you aren't a united front he will use that against you. My son still trys the, "I'm going to tell Dad" thing, but it never works for him. I have a hard time with the video game issue. I have always limited his video/tv time. After an hour or two I'd kick him out of the house and tell him to go play and get dirty. His dad and I have always let him know that school is most important and gave him ground rules when it came to grades and homework. Homework is done right after school and has to be done before anything else. He has to maintain good grades to be able to play sports...if there is a C on his report card he will have to sit out of games or possibly the rest of the season. Also, when he was about five we established a Family Game Night. After dinner I would put some brownies in the oven, he would pick out a couple of board or card games and we would sit at the table, talk, eat brownies, and play games until bed time. He still requests family game night, but now I think it's more about the closeness and not so much about the game. Sometimes all a child needs is a steady parent. One that stands their gound, yet that they know will always be there for them. I'm that parent for my son...he knows that no matter how hard I am on him that I will always love him and be there for him.
I wish you good luck!!

A.:

It sounds like you are trying your best, and I applaud you for your efforts. However, his dad really needs to step up to the plate. You are only six years older than your step-son, and he may not see you as a "parental figure". His father needs to take the lead, and set down some consistent, firm (but loving)rules/consequences. You step-son gets away with everything he wants so therefore, why would he stop doing the things that he is doing!? He is in control of himself, and everyone else...it appears. By the way, Video addiction is real, and can be very harmful (and hard to break). Good luck to you.
A.

A.,
Your step son is just being a kid. You are doing the right thing by punishing him for bad behavior, and making him do his chores. Instead of grounding him from one media I would ground him from ALL media. No tv, computer (unless homework) and no video games for one day instead of just the one. Anything too hard core should be handled by his biological parents with you sitting in on the discussion so you know what the plan is, but it's their decision.
As for the church issue; please stop trying to get him to go to your church. His spiritual health is for his parents to decide, not you. Being a teenager is hard enough without worring about going to hell. He is at an age where he is old enough to decide his own beliefs. He doesn't need God he needs a friend, he needs someone with whom he can safely confide in. I would suggest getting him a big brother from the big brother program. God is a distant figure on a cloud to young person, not a friend who can provide instant feedback. Let him get through this extremely confusing and hard age before you push any more religion on him. He WILL thank you for it later, and may even come to accept your faith. If you push it on him now you are only guaranteeing he will never choose that faith. Give him space, know what when how and where he chooses to spends his time, keep an open door policy so he knows he can come to you, and find another outlet for him. A sport, Martial art, piano lessons etc and find an older role model (outside of the immediate family) for him to feel comfortable enough to work through his confusing feelings. You have the heart for it, you just have be able to step back. Hard I know, but it is the best thing for him. I speak whereof I know because i am a 28 yr old mother of one almost 3 yr old and step mother to two teenage girls and one 21 yr old boy. I was in the same boat as you are a few years ago and this is what worked. Goodluck and remember your spiritual path is YOURS, he will find his when he is ready.

FIRST, continue to pray for love and wisdom throughout this process.
SECONDLY, confiscate all the games and put them in a place that you only know about. I have done this many times when my boys have become disrespectful and do not follow through with their family responsibilities or school responsibilities. Let your stepson choose one thing to play for ONLY a short period of time each day (no longer than an hour) after he has completed the tasks he needs to get done for school and home.
THIRDLY, you might consider taking him somewhere after school each day to complete his homework - library, McDonalds (and share a small afternoon snack), etc. This might help break the cycle of habit he has been used to. Plus, it gives you guys some place different to reestablish boundaries.
FOURTHLY, game addiction is VERY REAL! I would greatly encourage you to even not allow him to play any games for a long period of time (several weeks). You will be doing him a favor. But, as he has already demonstrated, people who are addicted to anything do not like the withdrawal period and it can get rather ugly.

Your heart seems to be in the right place and he is fortunate to have someone who cares about him. But, you can't do it on your own. If your husband won't take responsibility, I would check with your church or his school and see if there are some people willing to be mentors to this young man. He needs a strong male influence in his life too.

God Bless!

If you are 19 and he is 13, he is not going to respect you as an authority figure until he is totally grounded in unconditional love from you. And maybe not even then. I can imagine how exhausted you are. If I were you, I would spend my energy trying to teach him from your own experience in life rather than "you should," and just leave it with him to process on his own. In the mean time, if you can show him love and continually talk to him about the good things you see, what potential you believe he has, in very specific terms, he will begin to seek you out voluntarily.

When he comes to you, then you have an open door to talk with him about your concerns. If you can share "why" you are concerned rather than just tell him "what" you are concerned about, he may respect your opinion. If you draw on your own life experience, even if it means admitting you've made choices that have made life harder than it could have been, he can't argue with it. He can say, "but that's not my life," but you can say, "if you continue down this path, it could be." There is no shame in that!!! It is called learning from our trials.

I know that married life is suddenly not all you thought it would be and you probably feel incredibly disgusted with your husband over this issue, but this is an opportunity for you to think about, inside your heart of hearts, what you expected and how much of that was mature, realistic expectation vs. fairy tale dreams. That doesn't mean that you were foolish! It only means that you have to re-evaluate how you deal with your life from this point forward.

You don't have to quit and walk away, just ask God for guidance. He will give you all the wisdom you need if you walk with him. If God put you in your stepson's life because you are the only one who could love him enough to be firm with him, then God will bring about the respect for you necessary to make that a reality. You just have to seek Him out for the daily steps.

Well, the fact that you are 19 and being a step-mom to a 13 yr old is going to be tough even if he was an angel. Sounds to me that he doesn't have any respect for his superiors. I don't have much advice to give, but I can tell you that it will get better. My step-dad is only 9 years older than me. I was 18 when he married my mom and he was 27. He told us from the get go that he has rules and we will obide by them, or else. I recommend for you and your step-son that you tell him he has no choice in the matter, that he will follow the rules or there will be consequences. Take EVERYTHING away from him when he misbehaves. Have him write sentences! My mom used to do that to me when I was a kid. Have him write "I will not whine like a 2-year-old" 500 times. Or "If I act like a toddler I'll be treated like a toddler" OR "Honor thy father and thy mother" 1000 times. You can have him sit at a table and you can sit there and watch him, overshadow him, show your authority.

I really hope things get better for you. I'll pray for you.

Well, I can relate to your problems all too well. My husband and I have been together for a little over 8 years but have been married for 3 1/2 years. My step-daughter is 14 and has now come to live us since last may, my son which is 10 mths, I work full time and about to finish college. So my plate is pretty full. My step-daughter's real mother is now going through her 3RD DIVORCE--so now she thinks that the world owes her--for some reason she does. I can understand part of the attitude that she has but you and i both know enough is enough. She i very mouthy, hard-headed, soing just about the same things that your step-son is doing. The only thing that I can say is talk to his mother--if you are on speaking terms--she if maybe she can help or if she is the problem. You have a pretty rough road ahead of you and it will only get worse if you do not put your foot down. Have you spoken to your husband about this and if so what does he have to say about it? Write back--

A little about me: A 27 yrs old mother of one son and a step-daughterm work full time and college student.

I believe if the parents aren't doing anything about their own child there is not much you can do your self but continue to pray for him but it seems to me you should be taking better care of your welfare you are a child your self and here you are married with a teenage stepson you might consider making your self happier pray to god about your self

PLEASE don't leave the discipline up to his dad alone. Obviously, he's not going to take the initiative in that area and your step-son will suffer greatly for that. You should be able to sit down with your husband and come up with rules and consequences that you both can agree on. Make sure your husband knows this is important and you need it to be important to HIM too. Communication and working together are VITAL in a successful marriage-- if you can't communicate, your marriage won't last, guaranteed.

After you and hubby have agreed on these rules and consequences, sit down with your step-son, ask for his feedback, and revise this list with something you ALL can agree on. Include things like x-minutes each day for video games, step-son has to do this and that before TV or games, etc. Include things on there that YOU are responsible for as well-- dad is responsible for this, you are responsible for that, and try trading chores if you both agree. Make this a family plan. I love what someone said about taking homework to another location, like the library-- change the routine a bit, so TV and games aren't so tempting.

And keep in mind that the world revolves around 13-yo's (that's the way they think, anyway) so it's always about them, and what someone is doing TO them. This isn't an excuse, but you need to find ways that they feel part of the decision-making process, while also giving them the stability of consequences. They need to learn that they are responsible for what happens to them and that choices they make will produce consequences, whether they are good or bad.

To be honest, you are awfully young to be married and disciplining anyone. In addition, your stepson's life has been torn apart due to his father's remarriage, and there is not much that can be done to repair the damage to him. You should leave the discipline to your husband and butt out, even if that means no discipline. As for not being happy since you got married, I am not surprised: you are too young, and people with children should not remarry until the children are grown for that very reason. Good luck. If you don't have children with this man, you should consider getting a divorce, waiting until you are older (at least 25), and marrying a man who does not already have any children.