Step-Grandmother Not Treating Grandchildren Equally

Family isn't just blood, it's love and respect. Sometimes you have to cut toxic people out of your life, regardless of their "familial" relationship - if they endanger the health of your family, you do what you have to do. If she can't be a grandmother to all of them, if she can't be an adult, then she doesn't get to be involved.

No, it is not too much to ask, but that doesn't mean that you will get what is fair. I think that having no grandparents involved is better than having one that casues emotional harm.

You say that you have tried talking to her about this. She has not responded and changed her ways. If I were inclined, I would do a "Hail Mary" play and say something like the following:

"Mom, I really do love you, but your behavior hurts. I realize that DD is your only biological grandchild. However, DH and I married 5 years ago and blended our families. We are now a package deal and I will not allow you to treat my family in this way. Because of your hurtful actions, I must sadly greatly limit my contact with you"

I don't think she "gets it". You should shy away from her for awhile and when she finally asks what's going on, tell her that the children are ALL your children and if she cant embrace it there will continue to be problems.
It's not fair to the kids.... period.
Grandma needs to grow up.

My only question is, what constitutes "fairness?" Is it giving them things? Or just that the attention is unequally divided? In the latter case, are your husband's two kids boys? She might just prefer girls.

In any case, she should not be telling you that she "despises" you and that you are bad parents. Just stand your ground, calmly and firmly. If she wants to be in your lives, then she will comply. If not, then I guess she will miss out.

If this were just some issue of her unintentionally ignoring the other two, and when you pointed it out to her she attempted to make changes, then I would say, well, she's trying. But based on her nasty comments to you, she is obviously a very toxic person. You are doing the right thing. Good for you.

If she is fighting with you over how you raise your daughter, saying she despises you, not accepting your husband, then maybe you don't need her in your life. I'm sorry I hope you can find substitute grandparents. Join a church, visit a rest home, teach your children to reach out to people who are lonely. Some people on Mamapedia have admitted to buying cards and gifts and signing the neglectful grandparent's name.

It's not too much to explain to her what your hopes and expectations are, but unfortunately that doesn't necessarily mean that she's obligated to change. She's entitled to feel how she feels too, and if she's not comfortable faking emotions or spending her own money on any of the children that aren't biologically related, that's entirely her choice.

What happens when she's made it clear what her choice in behavior will be is what matters. How you handle her behavior is what matters. Arguing or explaining to her clearly isn't making a difference. Now you go to Plan B.

I went through this when I was young. My step-grandmother (step-mom's mother) could barely tollerate me. She did not like my dad, did not like that my step-mom choose to marry someone with a kid already, and she wasn't going to pretend she did.

She was hurtful to me, and some of her other grandchildren, frankly. If you were not in this certain group of 5 "perfect" girls, then you were not good enough.

Based on my experience, I don't think you will change the step-grandmother. You will have to accept this about her, or choose not to spend time with her. Make sure your step-kids understand that YOU love them with all your heart and that we can not change people. Make sure they understand that they are loved by their core family and sometimes we just have to be respectful of our elders, but do not force them to try to win her over - I don't think they ever will and it will hurt them more to try.

Painful situation, and tough lesson for the kids. I'm sorry your family is dealing with this.

there has to be a happy medium in this situation. i love that you are so firm about wanting your stepkids treated fairly, and that your husband is so wonderful.
but surely you can do something other than cut your mother out of your life (your mother!) as some are suggesting.
if your relationship with her was very close prior to your meeting your husband, maybe you can understand how hurt mom is over that. she's the only active grandparent your kids have, and it sounds as if she's very close to your daughter. at christmas she rises to the occasion. she does communicate with the other kids even if it's not quite as often as with your daughter. surely that's great stuff that can be built upon.
it sounds as if emotions ran high lately and everyone lost control. i'll bet you can find a firm but respectful way to communicate your requirements to your mom. maybe you can tell her that you will no longer allow your daughter to accept cards or gifts outside of christmas and birthdays. you can encourage (not demand or nag!) interaction with the stepkids. you must make sure that your daughter isn't put in the position of feeling guilty about the favoritism, and that she doesn't take advantage of it.
but we read far worse situations on this site every day. here we have a grandmother who wants to participate, who wants a relationship, who loves. i don't think this is a write-off at all. keep working at it.
khairete
S.

You sound like a wonderful mom. You love all of the children even when you did not actually give birth to them.

But your mom is not one of those women. She just has a blank spot in this situation and probably will never change. It will be up to her to decide if she wants to put any effort into this.

In a way she cannot help her feelings, but doesn't it break your heart she does not even try? The empathy for these sweet boys you have is going to help them so very much. Your mother is missing a opportunity to love and be loved by theses sweeties.

I am sure this has been talked to death, she is not going to budge. Not sure if it would help if the 2 of you could go together to see a professional counselor and see if the 2 of you can come to an acceptance. At least this way you would know she heard exactly what your feelings are and you could hear exactly what her feelings are.

My husband and his mother, many years ago went to her therapist. His mother has always favored his sister and her family. She said "moms are always closer to their daughters and their families" the therapist told her, " no that is not true." it is the mothers choice to have a favorite and to admit it.

That is when my husband realized, his mother was never going to change.
He had to come to his own peace with this I never have so, I no longer speak with her. I will not stand by and watch this sick behavior from her, towards my sweet husband and our amazing daughter.

Her loss. I do encourage my husband and daughter to call her visit her etc. but I can no longer witness her treatment of them.

I think you are not seeing the real issue here. The post seems at first to be about grandchildren and favoritism, then you bury the vital clue: She says she despises you and your husband. I can't imagine that her despising you is only about the step-grandkids, is it? There is clearly a LOT more going on here and it's the fact she did not want you to marry your husband and she despises...him, and your marriage. The kids are just part of that whole package. I would not even think about working on her to be more fair to these kids until she can come to terms with the much, much larger issue of her learning to accept your marriage and husband.

It sounds as if she is, perhaps unconsciously (so she would deny this if you asked), expecting your marriage to end. Or she's just ignoring your marriage. She is acting as if you and your biological daughter are the only people with whom she has to be concerned, and that indicates that she may be feeling that if she just pretends you don't have other family members, then they don't really exist. Not to her, certainly.

So deal with the real issue here -- her dislike of, even her emotional denial of, your marriage and your relationship with a man of whom she disapproves.

If you just push the issue of the grandkids, honestly, you're letting the bigger issue slide.

The best thing you can do to make her see that you are all one family unit is to go on acting like one-- doing things together, presenting a united front, treating all the kids equally yourselves. And it sounds like acting like the family you are is the only way you'll ever make your point, since you are not speaking to her.

One other thought: I am NOT saying this to let her off the hook, but....You also can't expect anyone to be a perfectly fair grandparent when the situation brings not just a few but four new children into her life instantly. Just saying "these are grandchildren now, treat them exactly like the child you have known since birth" is really expecting too much, too fast. Yes, she should make at least a surface effort to be fair with gifts etc., but after all -- she has indeed known your biological child since birth and does feel closer to her. Add that to the mix of your high expectations, and the fact she is in denial about your marriage lasting and being "real" to her, and she's going to favor your child. But if you and she are not speaking -- how exactly do you ever plan to work on this?

I'd go back to talking to her, say you want to start over, say you DO realize that it must be tough on her to have four new grandkids materialize all at once (in other words -- be a little emphathetic and say you see that it's h*** o* her) and then remind her kindly that the kids themselves did not make their situation and that their dad has rescued them from a bad biological mom. Suggest that if she can't quite think of them as "grandkids" yet that she think of them as decent kids caught in a bad situation, and to treat them with the kindness and decency you know she is capable of showing (even if you are too mad to believe that right now, SAY it). Give her the out of saying you know she needs time (three years of your marriage is actually not long over a lifetime of grandparent-grandchild relationships) and then find ways for her to get to know these step-grandkids. Invite her to their school events, their sports events, etc. Do not press her to spend gobs of unstructured hang-out time with them where she feels she has to entertain them. Help her get to know them.

I think you need to have a heat to heart conversation with your mother about this in person. Try to save your relationship with your mother. If you don't, I believe you'll regret it one day. Your feelings about the treatment of the children is valid. Explain things from your point of view. If your mother is a sensitive person, she should respond positively towards your efforts to make amends. Keep your boundaries with her though. You are an adult, and should be treated as such. Good luck!

You don't say how old the children are; I think that that makes a difference.

You've been married for ONLY 3 YEARS. Your household dynamic is ahead of the curve. It is not common enough for blended families to start off SOOOO WELL. Kudos to you guys!

That said, you haven't given your mothe renough time to warm up to these kids who are not hers. It would be nice if it could happen faster, but I think that you are getting way ahead of yourself in seeking perfect harmony in this situation. It's not her fault that no one else is around to love these children, yet you are putting the entire weight on her shoulders. She shouldn't be penalized for being incapable or unwilling to pick up that slack. You and your husband are the only ones required to be there the way that you want her to be. It's not liek she ignores the other kids. She has a right to have a special relationship with her granddaughter.

Additionally, even without the kids, it can take some people a while to settle into new relationships and roles. She might not yet trust that you and your husband are in it forever. That's not an insult but a real and natural response to new and blended families.

I don't think that she's toxic. I think that she's just hurt and lashing out...different issue. That needs to stop, but it probably won't if you keep trying to force her to love these kids. Let her do for them in her own way, building the relationships that that will build. The more you try to force it, the worse things will be. Let it happen naturally. Even if they were all her grandkids, she would not and should not treat them all the same. I think that you are just super sensitive and protective of them because of their rough beginnings.

Bottom line--you are being too harsh and unreasonable; she doesn't owe his children a grandmother. Sorry.

These are not her kids. Either she treats them all equally or doesn't get to see them.

Hang in there. You are such a terrific mother!!! Wish I could help somehow. I have had awkward times with my mother because my father remarried and had more children and I had the nerve to maintain relationships with them, because I remarried to someone who is beneath her and her husband, and so we have off and on times not talking. Anyway, I wish you could adopt me for a grandmother as my sons don't seem to be heading towards having any grandchildren soon and you have plenty. Oh you poor thing if I think of something brilliant I will send you another message. And tell your husband I'm rooting for him! Your mother just sounds like a brat. Can I say that here?

I would let her know you are no longer excepting gifts from grandparents for any kids. Cards are great but presents are unnecessary. At least then everyone gets just a card and not just the stepchildren. Next, I would try and talk to your mom. Maybe try and empathize and let her her know from the outside it looks like you married into a chaotic situation which must have scared her as a mom. After hearing her out and validating her feelings, I would reassure her that you and your husband have a handle on it and because stepfamily stuff is hard you would love her support. I would then spell out what that looks like.

Maybe when she sends gifts for your daughter, you could intercept & return for money for the whole family or sell on craig's list. Maybe when she calls to talk to your daughter you tell her she is unavailable. Keep severing ties until she gets your point.