"Seeking Some Tips on Disciplining a 15 Month Old!!!!"

S.,

I agree completely with the other moms who recommended "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." It gives you language to use when dealing with a tantrum. My oldest son is 26 months and we've been using the technique since he was about 18 months old (I wish I had read the book earlier). Like another mom said, it's amazing how he can be in mid tantrum and I start using the language from the book to let him know that I understand he is mad and what he wants, and he will calm down and listen. Now, this doesn't mean that the situation is completely resolved or that we don't have time-outs, but it helps difuse the immediate tantrum and allows everyone to stay calm and take care of the problem.

Good luck!

We've all been there, sorry to say...stay firm and consistent and this too will pass. I promise!! Just think, it is preparing you for the teen years.
K.

I think it really helps to understand what is going on developmentally at 15 months. Two books that I read while pregnant that I thought were really helpful in this regard were "The Scientist in the Crib" and "What's going on in there?" (can't recall the authors right now). They have some overlap with one another but generally they go through a lot of the child development research and explain at different ages what kids know and do not know about how the world works. For example, your daughter at this point is not testing you to be annoying - she's actually discovering that she can influence people and, depending on what she does, get them to do certain things. That's a pretty powerful thing to learn. She understands "no" but does not understand punishment or rules at this point very well. She is just starting to learn about cause-effect. Kids at this age generally respond best to distraction techniques rather than any kind of punishment.

Another resource that is helpful is the "Growing Child" series (see www.growingchild.com). (Also a great gift for new parents).

In general I disagree with those parents who are afraid to tell their kids "no" to things. The reality is that we can't always get what we want and kids need to understand that. The most important thing when telling kids "no" or "if you keep doing this I will ****" is to actually FOLLOW THROUGH on what you say. Do not make empty threats. If you tell your girl that next time she throws her cup you will not pick it up and she will not be able to play with it anymore, then don't pick it up. Don't tell her she can't play outside if she fusses unless you really mean it, etc.

Of course, every parent needs to develop their own parenting philosophy. I have read many books and do not find any single one to embody what I personally think is best.

At 15 months she is too young for time outs. Wait a few months and you can do it. For now the best thing is to redirect and distract. A firm no is ok, they will start to learn, but you need to give her something else to focus on.

And yes, even at 15 months they can try your patience. Tantrums are the reality of toddlerhood. when you try to dress her, maybe let her run around a few mintues without clothes then give her a toy to hold and look at while you dress her - I had the same issue with my older child and now with the 18 month old.

It's ok to sometimes give yourself time to calm down. I always read about mom's who never yell - but the reality is that I've never met one. It's ok to be frustrated and mad.

S.,

Vent away. We all need to do it and this is a great board to do it on!

To offer some suppot, uur 17M old is very, very independent and we are starting to see the tantrums come out. I totally agree with the distract/redirect-ing at this age. There ARE times that nothing works, though and I will let him vent his frustration with some crying/screaming. Then, after a short time (like 15 seconds that seems like fricken 15 minutes) I calmly try to get his attention..."Jacob. Look at Mom, please. Jacob. I understand that you are angry, but you don't need to scream like that. I'm sorry that you can't climb on the fireplace and walk but it's dangerous. How about if we give the doggies a treat?" Ok, so maybe all he understands from that is "doggie, treat". But, it works a lot of the time. I give him a chance to blow off his anger for a short time and then I try to get him interested in something else.

Our son also has a tendency to yell/scream when he wants out of the cart or stroller. In this case, I will get really close to him and very sternly say, "Jacob!" Once I have his attention, I lean in and say, "We do NOT scream, please. That's not nice. I'm sorry you can't get down right now, would you like some water?" He'll usually respond with "wa-wa" and that will hold him off for a bit. My husband and I are trying not to yell as I think that may teach him it's ok to do that. But, we're new at this, so we're just trying to get a feel for what works best - as it seems you are, too.

So, good luck and rest assured that every mom in the world is going through, has gone through or will go through what we are!

T.

Hi S.,
My daughter is almost 2 (in January) and she used to do and still sometimes will try to do the same thing with the tantrums and the dressing. If she starts to throw a tantrum, I get down to her level and let her know that I know she is frustrated and we resolve the issue together. ( I actually learned this from watching "Supernanny".) She used to try my patience with the clothing issue, but I started to give her 2 options and that worked really well. They want to feel as if they have some control over things in their life.
I hope this helps.

I don't know if this may help any...but I have an 18 month old daughter and I was always told that discipline starts around 18 months. I try to be stern, tell her no, and lightly tap my pointer finger on her hand so that I'm not hitting or hurting her, but it gets her attention. As well, concerning the time out thing a great rule of thumb is that you give a child 1 minute per year so if shes 18months you give her 1.5 mins. Any longer and their attention spands are gone and they forget why they are there in the first place and just begin to play or start screaming. My daughter is the same way with a bath...I try to tell her to put on her cute pajamas and point out things that are interesting to her on the outfit...such as colors, shapes, or characters. Then whenever she does something good you comment and say good job or what a big girl and let her help you with little things like picking out the pajamas, give her a choice to get her interested in it. Also, when I comb her hair i let her comb it after me tso she thinks that she is being a big girl and doing it herself. I hope some of this helps...please keep in touch.

Taking a different approach than the other responses, I actually don't think 15 mos is too young for time-outs. No, you can't put her in a chair and expect her to sit there, but our pediatrician told us to start putting my daughter in a safe spot for 1 minute (b/c she was 1) when she disobeyed starting at 12 mos. We got one of those PlayYards that are hexagonal panels you snap together, but used it as a square. We set the timer each time she was put in there for 1 minute.
She hated being away from us, so having to stand in the pen for 1 minute by herself with the timer ticking made an impression. She understood very quickly it was not somewhere she wanted to end up, and that it was "time out", and after the first 2 times we didn't have to put her in for 2 months. She was around 15 months at that time. After her timeout was over, I'd tell her why she was in there and hug her and tell her I loved her and she learned.

And I can totally empathize - it was SO hard for me to do this with my daughter. I HATED hearing her cry and punishing her. It's very hard, but kids also need to have limits set and to know that they can't push those limits without consequences. Even at such a young age, they know how to do it.

Yup. Read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block."
Amy

I think it's too early for discipline. My little boy is 13 months & he also doesn't like diaper changes or clothes changes. It's like..he's rather be doing something interesting, like exploring his new world, than sit still for new clothes or daiper.

Don't get anxious about it. Try to involve her in something that interests her while you change her. If I can get my little boy interested in a toy or something, he doesn't seem to notice when I'm dressing him anymore. You need to take the control out of it. Don't get frustrated, just work with her.

For his birthday, someone bought him a 'Fridge DJ' by Leapfrog. When you turn it on, it sings songs and has a screen of lights that visualize the words. HE GETS SOOO ENTRANCED BY THIS TOY. My method for changing his clothes is not on the changing table. I sit on the floor with him. Turn on the fridge DJ, he watches it and he hardly knows I'm dressing him anymore. Other times, he'll walk around his room playing with various things. Again, this is when I dress him. He's distracted with other things. Sometimes I feel funny like I'm chasing him around the room trying to put on his clothes, but he's having fun playing with cups or books and he's dressed before he even knows it.

Also on the "NO" statements. My mother is a retired child psychologist and she has recommended that I not use "NO", because for (1) you'll be saying it all the time until it is meaningless, (2) you'll get frustrated because it's not working and (3) it's not very helpful at this age anyway. Therefore, I try to 're-direct' each time. When he wants to play with the window blinds, I redirect him to a toy. (My husband and I even say it out loud each time..."re-direct".) When he wants to play with the cat food, I redirect by rolling a ball past him. When he crawls to close to something he shouldn't, I'll pick him up and put him in the center of his toys, hand him one, and 'viola' he's distracted and happy!

I hope this helps.

Yes, at her age time outs are probably not going to help.

What I found most useful were the strategies I found in this book http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Well-Behaved...

Most of the time when they throw tantrums they are just trying to get attention and are feeling like you don't understand them. It's worse if they can't speak really well yet and feel they can't get their point across to you. I have tried the techniques in this book, especially getting down on their level and speaking to them in "their" language (very simply), and acknowledging their feelings. This really says to them "I am here, I am paying attention, I understand why you are mad....but......" and often once they get this recognition it diffuses the tantrum or at least makes it a little more manageable.

Hope this helps!

15 months is still a baby. No point in punishing or disciplining. Give positive reinforcement and ignore tantrums (unless her safety is in danger.) Touchpoints by Brazelton is a good general reference on what's normal for different ages (or babycenter.com will give you developmental information.)

If you're saying "no" all the time you need to think about prevention rather than discipline. At this age, a lot of the skill of parenting is avoiding conflicts and setting up your environment to avoid problems. If christmas ornaments are a problem, find a solution like putting only unbreakable ornaments on the lower branches, or fence off the tree. It's not worth the stress to you or her to try to force her into having more self-discipline than she is capable of right now.

Maybe you could offer her a choice between two alternatives that are acceptable to you, like letting her choose between two outfits when it's time to get dressed or redirecting her to her choice of two other activities when she wants to pull the ornaments off the Christmas tree. She'll see that her feelings are important to you and she will feel like she has a little control without putting herself in danger or having you yell yourself hoarse. Anytime safety is an issue, you will still have to lay down the law - and that I would state in a no-nonsense tone as many times as necessary - but at least everything won't be a battle.

S., I understand what you are going through and I have researched this myself. I have also talked to phyc. and teachers (there my friends) They all say to try to never raise your voice. Negative attention is still attention which isen't good. Egnor her is the best medicin. Once she sees that nothing happens the meaning of it will be gone. Yes you should continue restrain her when you have to but in silence and don't look frustrated, it only feeds her. When you have the time and you are not in a hurry leave the room. Let her through her fit alone. Give her no attention. Once she stops her fit try again a little later. If sher throws a fit again leave the room again. The point is she is testing you to see who is going to win the battle. If you have to do this 20 times so be it.

I found the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp, M.D. to be EXTREMELY helpful in dealing with tantrums. He explains that children just want to be heard and we need to get down on their level and acknowledge their feelings. It really does work, too. There have been times that my daughter is throwing a tantrum and I have acknowledged that she is mad and she will actually stop and look at me and listen to what I am saying. Now, it doesn't work ALL the time, but I would say most of the time it really does work. She is now 23 months old so I've been using the techniques more and more. Hope this helps and good luck!

My daughter is 22 months and we went through the same thing. So your not alone. She does not throw fits anymore. When she starts put her on the floor somewhere safe and tell her when she is done to come and find you, then just leave her alone and dont pay her any attention when she is throwing the fit. If you give her your attention while she is throwing a fit, she will be one of those kids in the mall. If you show her that her acting out is getting no attention from you she will stop. Good Luck, and know that this too will pass.