Seeking advice...my 3 Yr Old Daughter's Stepmother Keeps Cutting Her Hair

I would get an Attorney.
Take photos of your daughter's cut hair, each time.
Do documentation

This seems to be done... in a malicious manner.
It is mean.
Really, mean.

And, does your Ex even have permission, that he can even take your daughter across State borders to L.A.?
If not, I would be documenting that too... and get an Attorney and go to court.

Your Ex says, he will cut his daughter's hair, "regardless of my daughter's feelings...." This is really a Red-Flag to me. That is really.... abnormal and mean and sounds something like what an Abuser would do.

They both, do not seem to have your daughter's best interests, in mind.
This is really.... disturbing.

Get an Attorney.
Document everything.

I think it is dad doing the cutting or at least giving the order to. He said himself, it's a control thing.

The grown up thing to do would be to have a sit down meeting with him (and her if you can take it) about control and why he feels he has no input or value as a parent. There is some reason he feels powerless and feels the need to show you he has power. Maybe some compromises could be made that would help ease his control issues and get your daughter out of the line of fire.

If being reasonable doesn't work, (it often doesn't) find some loophole in the custody agreement that he isn't complying with but you've gone along with. Tell him the next time anyone touches her, you will excercise your right to stop working with him on that and have him found in contempt of the court order. :)

Ugh this makes me want to cry. Both because of your poor daughter being forced to travel for hours on the weekends and for her hair being cut against hers and your decisions.
Take him to court. Surely there is some protection for your daughter against these things?

This is a game to them and they are using your child to piss you off, this is very obvious, especially when your ex says that he's "controlling" this aspect of your daughter's life. This is unacceptable, especially since your daughter doesn't like it and it's making her unhappy. I've never dealt w/ a divorce, so I don't know the ins and outs of court orders or divorce lawyers, but surely there must be something that you can do along these lines. I would be absolutely irate about this, as I'm sure you are!!

Pack your kiddo with a sealed envelope addressed to step mom. Be firm, but extraordinarily nice. The extra is so the the girl doesn't come home bald.

"Dear step-mom,

You have been so wonderful and giving taking care of the child. And I really appreciate your hairstyles - very modern and fashionable. All the moms in the neighborhood comment on them!

Child mentioned the other day that she wants to have a ponytail again, so we'd like to let her hair grow out. But given your fashion sense, maybe you could help her pick out some trendy clothes at the mall!
thanks,
Real mom"

I'm usually against post-judgment litigation, but this is an instance where I would save every penny to hire the best, most experienced family law attorney I could afford to figure out the quickest way to put a stop to these shenanigans AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter! Your ex and his new wife are abusing their power and hurting your daughter. I would document everything that has occured her and haul him back to court for a revision of custody etc. Is he able to take her across state lines??? It raises huge red-flags to hear a father say he doesn't care if she likes it or not etc--that is his only control etc. This is abusive and several issues here. The haircuts are uacceptable and the fact that he is taking her every weekend to LA on such a long drive is not in her best interest. Bring these issues up in court and all the things you have tried to remedy the situation. Best wishes!

M

She sounds like a real wicked witch. Are there any rules in your divorce contract that he can even be taking her to see this woman so many hours away? And to force her to cut her hair so often especially given the situation? As a hairstylist, very few children even need their hair cut this often. Is this some sort of punishment they are doing to you, it sounds like it, especially given the fact this this woman's own child has waist length hair.

If there is nothing legal you can do, then all you can do is be a champion for your daughter. She will grow up knowing her dad and step-mom are royal jerks who care nothing for her feelings or self confidence. She's only 5, how sad.

How mean and selfish of them, grrrrrrrr... Tell your ex the haircuts need to stop, or you are taking your daughter to a therapist who will testify to the court that the haircuts are causing your daughter detrimental psychological harm (loss of self-esteem, etc.)

I was in a situation about 12 years ago, my husband's ex would "ruin" their daughter's hair with chemical straighteners (she is black) when she went to visit, then tell everyone I did it. (She was jealous that I was her daughter's maternal influence and trying to prove I couldn't take proper care of her.) Poor thing's scalp was red and sore after the first time, so her dad asked she not touch it again. Sure enough the following visit she did it again so he told her not to do it again, her scalp was fried and painful. Apparently she tried a third time and her daughter called a relative nearby who came and "rescued" her and called us. Her therapist wrote something for the court that the judge read and he "ordered" her mom on paper NOT to touch her daughter's hair when she was visiting, she was 10 and could comb and wash it on her own, any extra "styling" was up to her father's discretion.

You have to stick up for your daughter, and let your ex know this is a BIG thing, though it may not seem that way to anyone else, and if he continues to do this he may lose unsupervised visits with his daughter, as was the threat the judge gave my SD's mom. He may want to rethink his philosophy of doing what he wants regardless of his daughter's feelings, which will backfire big time on him one day.

check your court papers. Mine don't allow my ex to have any say in such things and it's just a standard order. He can't cut their hair, let them pierce anything ect. without my written say so.

I do want to take another approach here though. We had this issue with my stepdaughter when she was young. She would want a hair cut or complain about her long hair, so I'd take her to get it cut (she also lived with us at this time though) but she'd go to her mom's and her mom wanted her to have long hair so she'd complain about how I kept cutting it. It was very difficult for all of us because we all thought we were doing the right thing and she just didn't want to upset anyone and was to young to understand that no one really cared as long as she was happy.

Kids sometimes have a difficult time standing up for themselves with their parents. They worry they will get in trouble ect. You might want to try teaching your daughter to very politely say she'd like to let her hair get long again like her step-sisters is, so that she can wear it up ect.

I don't really understand why, if they are married, they are still living in separate states, unless it is a work thing. But whatever.

Can your ex-husband tell you a rational, logical reason WHY he insists on treating your daughter this way, and letting the stepmom get the girl's haircut? I mean, is it really about control with him? Why must he control that? Or are they finding her hair harder to take care of when it is longer? Or is this just some sick game on their part to piss you off, with your daughter as the pawn in their little schemes? IS he even allowed to take her across state lines?

Document everything - every time you've tried to contact the stepmom and she has not responded, conversations with your ex, etc. I agree that you should just write a letter to the both of them stating that under no certain terms are they to cut her hair without your consent. If they can't agree to this like adults, you will have no choice but to seek further legal action because your daughter's self-esteem and relationship with her father is being affected in a negative way. If she really needs a hair cut or asks for one, you will take care of it yourself. Your daughter can't be expected to be able to stand up for herself at her age - she needs you to advocate for her.

Personally, I would still be discussing this with an attorney in the meanwhile. I would be very reluctant to allow visitation if this is how her father is, and this is how they are spending their time, and the stepmother thinks she can just do whatever and not be bothered to communicate with you about it. I would also have a therapist on your side for you and your daughter to talk to, because she could end up with major psychological issues because of your ex's behavior and attitude. There's no reason for a child to have to go through what she is going through. They both sound like pricks.

OMG....I really want to swear up a storm and punch the woman in the face. As much as I HATE to hear about the constant battles between divorced people, you need to take him to court. Surely, the primary caregiver should have THIS control.

I know that wasn't that Christian to say, I suppose. I've never been in a fight in my life. But if someone cut my daughters hair without my approval, I'd be livid. My husband does this, but we ARE together and the kids have been okay with it. If they were not, he'd be PAYING big time for the infraction.

Send a handwritten note in with your daughter asking that her hair not be cut anymore without your prior consent. Then put your phone number and email address.

If she has it cut, I would agree to chat with your lawyer. How dare she do that without your permission. I'd personally go insane but am sugesting you do the right thing to keep the peace! Good luck.

I am suspecting that she wants to make sure her daughters' hair is prettier than your daughters'. Forget Christian-like...and have a firm message sent to them to not do it again and if they do you are seeking legal advice. And I wouldn't be that nice.

Sounds like you need to take pictures of these haircuts, document you continued requests to not do it and document the frequency. I would also send a certified lettter to them, requesting they stop the haircutting as you and your daughter want to be able to put her hair in a ponytail. Then it should become an issue at court if it continues. I am not sure I would want that to be the only thing you were fiing for but rather included with other things.

Sounds like they aren't even waiting 6-8 weeks which is the "norm" for maintaining a particular style (but not in a 3 year old). You don't say what your custody arrangement is. He may already be in violation especially since it sounds like they are doing it to spite you. I would think if it is uneven, you may need to take her someone to have it evened up a bit so it isn't soooo bad right now while it is growing out.

I had a friend that recently went through this with her two kids but it was the father himself either doing it or having it done and they had joint custody. The judge told dad to stop it and leave the hair to mom.

Get an attorney. This is an issue that far exceeds control. They are abusing their "power" and are psychologically harming your daughter. My heart goes out to both of you!

See if you can get a judge to reverse your ex husband's visitation rights. He doesn't deserve to have her.

I wouldn't like the bad haircuts either but I would really dislike my ex-husband taking my daughter out of state every time he was with her.

Why does your ex feel this is the only way he can parent? Is he involved in other areas of decision making? Don't provoke the new wife, your daughter is too young to stand up for herself.

what type of custody is it you have??? if it is physical then you can take him to court due to this. i had to do that with my ex over some stuff and had that included in the order

I would be on the phone with my attorney over this.

1. the child does not want it

2. it is causing the child to hate her self, her self image and self worth is forming now and this is tearing her apart. She is going to internalize she is ugle and believe for the rest of her life

3. no other woman better touch my child's hair unless she wants her pulled out strand by strand. If you have full custody you need to stand up and tell dad he does not have the right to do this and if he wants to have visitation rights in the future he better put a stop to it or else.

I would take a drive over there and let her know you are her mother. How dare she! What is wrong with people. They really need to know their place. I have two stepchildren. I would never do something like this. Sounds like she is jeoulous of your daughter. You need to talk to your Ex and quick before she make other dicisions she needs to stay out of.

It sounds to me like she's jealous of your daughter possibly being in competition with her daughter like the wicked step mother. Not sure how close in age they are. I remember when my sister was in trouble my mother cut off her beautiful hair I always felt so bad. My mother favored me over her. I think if your daughter doesn't want it cut theyshould respect hers and your wishes there has to be sething u can hold over them to get them to do that. Good luck!

Wow, I want to do what LiveBold said. But I think starting with Dad on Purpose's plan is the best start, then if that doesn't work I agree with the other responses about an attorney. Especially since her own daughter has waist-long hair!! She is EVIL!

Unfortunately at 3, your daughter can't really stand up for herself, but as soon as she is old enough, she needs to be able to tell stepmonster, "Don't cut my hair." So when she gets a little older you can teach her to stand up for herself. In the meantime, you are wonderful to tell her how beautiful it looks.

Keep us posted!

I am confused. Your ex says "he will do what he wants" but you say his new wife is having the child's hair cut? Is he asking her to do it? It sounds to me like there is a great deal of aggression being communicated by these haircuts. You need to document what is going on, have your daughter talk to a therapist who can assess what the underlying dynamic is here and find a way to address your ex's sense of a "lack of control". Find some others to help you here, whether a child psychologist or a lawyer. Your daughter is being put in an untenable position. If all else fails: I would consider taking a friend to talk to the wife in person and persist until she agrees to see you.

OMG!!! this post really upset me! I think I would have been on a plane already to let this lady know that I really mean business. Who does she think she is to be cutting your daughters hair! They are obiously doing this to hurt you but they are hurting your daughter instaed. They are absolutley crazy people.

Do you have legal custody? If so, you should be making the decisions about haircuts. If you have joint legal, even if she primarily lives with you, you may not have much choice. I would contact your attorney and see if there is something that he can do to help you get control over the haircuts. In the meantime, keep your commication with your ex only, and not with his wife. This should be an issue between the two of you and his wife should not be making any decisions about things like haircuts. If ex is just doing what he wants and doesn't care that your daughter hates these crappy haircuts, I'd document that because he is just being a jerk and trying to maintain some control but he is being a bad dad.

I'm heartbroken for you. i have 4 girls and I ADORE their hair. It seems to me that there may be more going on than we, maybe even you, know. Have a good talk with your daughter, don't be afraid to ask ALOT of question, just be careful with the way you ask things as to not confuse your daughter cause then she may just say what she thinks you mwanna hear. i wish you the best.