Rude and Disrespectful?

Can you call her, tell her that you are not happy with that and tell her what you thought--that it was just going to be the 3 of you??? Say that you were looking forward to catching up---just the 3 friends together. Tell her you won't be coming if she chooses to do what she planned. See what she says--it would be a dealbreaker for me to.

M

Why don't you just tell her this trip is just for the three of you and not her two additional friends? You did say she was a friend? It shouldn't be a problem.

She is always doing this because she hasn't ever been corrected.

If you and the other parties are too uncomfortable with doing this meaning speaking honestly with her. Just cancel that particular trip and plan another one for just the 2 of you instead.

If its something I was looking forward to then I would go and make the best of it. Who knows may end up a heap of fun!! Glass half full! Go and have fun!

See what your other friend thinks? Maybe the two of you could share a room and then the rude friend plus her two can get another room. That is a lot of people in one room. If the other friend doesn't want to get another room/ one isn't available, then I would back out. I have gone on trips with a friend that invited someone else to come without asking me and it was not a fun trip at all. Her and the other friend had made other plans without consulting me on it. Then they hung out more and I was forgotten about. I didn't have anything to talk to this other person about because we had nothing in common. I felt like I was there to cheapen a trip for them.

If this is a deal breaker I would let her know first why you are canceling. Let her know you thought it was going to be the three of you and since she wants to add "her" friends, not mutual ones among the 3 of you; you are passing on the weekend get away.

Just out of curiosity, how does your other friend (the 3 of you) feel about this? Maybe you and the other girl can just do a 2 girl weekend thing... She may feel the same way too...

There is no reason to pay for a weekend you know you aren't going to be happy with the whole time you are there.. save your money for a real vacation...

I would be hard pressed to think of this as rude or disrespectful. Your friend has different boundaries than you, and doesn't realize that something that she finds appealing and delightfful might not be so for you. She can't really uninvite them now.

You need to tell her that you are not comfortable with her inviting other friends after you set up the original plan for the three of you. Next time, you'd appreciate knowing in advance who's included. There's nothing wrong with bailing on this trip, since it's not what you expected it would be.

Don't do anything yet! What does your other friend think?

First, tell your "rude" friend you thought it was just going to be the 3 of you. Try to make it look all innocent. Then, see what she has to say.

If her response is apethetic, then say "I don't know if I feel comfortable going away for the weekend w/2 people I hardly know". Again, see what she has to say. If it looks like she doesn't care, then I say quietly bow out.

I have to agree that it is rude and disrespectful. You have a plan with 2 other people and make massive decisions about those plans without running it by them first?! Totally disrespectful to your expectations and common plan. And we DO owe our friends respect, we owe EVERYONE respect, just by virtue of being separate people with our own feelings and experiences. Respect means refraining from imposing our will on others.

So, yes, it could be a deal breaker, or it could turn out to be great. Sometimes new friends can become great friends, and the fresh faces might bring a lot to the group. But you may not want to take that risk on a special weekend. It might help for you to talk to your friend about it before bailing: "I was expecting a more intimate, special weekend for the 3 of us, and I was taken aback that you invited these other friends. How do you see this weekend being? Will they have their own room? How do their plans fit into our plans? In all honesty, I'm thinking about backing out, because this was not really what I had hoped for." See how she reacts and talks to you about it -- maybe she'll be open and thoughtful (I didn't know you felt that way, I'm sorry) or maybe she'll blow you off (whatever, it'll be fine, c'mon), and that will probably tell you what you should do.

I'm not sure what you consider "respectful" to mean. It is not a lack of respect to invite friends along and friends don't owe us respect - we are not authority figures to our friends. I might not be thrilled if I thought I was having a weekend away with just a couple of close friends and then found out that people I didn't know were coming. It may not have been considerate of your friend, but it's not rude or disrespectful. You know that this is what the friend is like, so I'm not sure why you are surprised by it. You can certainly back out if you want to, but all that means is that everyone else will have a great time and you'll be home. Apparently this friend does think that the other ladies are always welcome so if you want to do things with her, then it seems like they will be a part of the picture. It's your choice whether to hang out with this friend and her other friends, or just not make plans to do things with her.

I think it's totally rude. I would cancel. I am not a "people person" and have a hard time making conversation with people I don't know well. I certainly wouldn't be up for sharing a hotel room with strangers. You should say something to her.

Cancel. I had a friend we met at a hotel for a family weekend.
She and her husband kept inviting total strangers to join us. We were hurt and could not believe they didn't want to spend time with us. I was honest, but not in great detail. I simply said we expected to spend time with you this weekend and feel like all these strangers were around. We never did another get together again. Since she was not actually friends with these people, when someone asked if they were intruding, I said yes and explained we traveled 4 hours to spend time with our friends.

Just tell her real nice that you were looking forward to a small more intimate girls weekend out with just the 3 of you. Let her know you do not feel like (or comfortable with) sharing a room with people you do not know.
Or, suck it up, then tell her next time you plan an outing, "Since you brought friends with you last time, would you mind terribly if we went by ourselves this time?"
If you truly do not feel comfortable, then bail. It's not your fault she threw a curve ball at you. It's certainly inconsiderate to invite others along w/o discussing it with the 2 of you first. I do girls weekends out all the time and I NEVER invite someone else along unless I've discussed it with the other(s) first.

My sister does stuff like this all the time. There was one time I thought just she and I were going to go on vacation together, and then she invited her roommate along. And I have a friend who invites everyone she knows to every get-together we have. It does get annoying. It might not be disrespectful, but it's certainly thoughtless.

If this truly is a deal-breaker for you, I would talk to your friend. Tell her that you are disappointed that this is going to be a bigger gathering than you had originally discussed, because you were really looking forward to spending some quality time just the three of you. If you are really serious about canceling, just tell her that asking your husband to watch the kids for a weekend is a big deal and you want to save it for something that you know you are going to enjoy. And then ask if you can plan another girls weekend with just the three of you another time.

But be careful of making this a situation where you are having her choose between you and her two friends. Because you will be the one who looks petty if you do.

If this is something she does all the time, you need to tell her the next time you plan something that you are hoping to keep it small.

I'm just curious what your other friend says about it? Is she annoyed as well?

If you are good enough of friends to travel together, then you should be comfortable be enough to use honesty with her. She can't know how you feel until you tell her. To get all huffy with someone over an issue they are unaware of is unfair. She deserves to know your feelings.

I don't really mind extra people, but I do appreciate a "heads up" when a friend is planning to do bring some. But, for a trip, I think it's a bit rude to invite people that are "outside the circle", so to speak, without asking everyone if their cool with it, first.

That being said, I wouldn't give up my chance to have a great time with great friends because of this, because it's really out of your hands at this point. Staying home would seem like you were just being a drama queen or acting like a pouting child, IMO. It would only make you look bad.

Like I said, if it bugs you that much, stop complaining & say something to her. I get that you want advice, but, really you need to tell her what you told us, it's quite simple.

Good luck.

I can understand. I have a friend and I called her recently to see if she wanted to get together to do something. We haven't had much time to do anything and I was missing the friendship. She said she was free at a certain time and we planned on doing something. She showed up to pick me up with another person in the vehicle. I felt an instant let down. I was not going to be able to talk to her about anything personal or feel at east, This other person is younger by far, she could almost be my granddaughter, and has a lot of personality issues, she is very immature and gets her feelings hurt easily because she doesn't understand stuff.

It was a short evening. I won't be doing that anytime soon again. I understand your feelings, I would just make sure when you canceled you let her know that it wasn't anything personal, that you wanted to spend time with her and maybe next time it could be just the regular group.

OK - here are my thoughts.

1) I would be annoyed too at first. But no, I don't think it is disrespectful.

2) I would go and meet these women, then I would probably be unable to figure out why I was so annoyed in the first place. We all live in our little comfort zones. We want to be around who we want, and we want it to go the way we want it to. Once you let go of that control a little, you may find you have just made two new really good friends. Try it! You never know!

3) Number 2 doesn't apply if you are in any way expected to pay for these girls! =)

Go - and have fun. I bet you won't regret it! Plus, you already knew she was like this, so it shouldn't be that surprising.

Good luck!

I don't know if I'd call it disrespectful. I've come to learn over the years that there are two schools of thought on "get togethers". One type of person (like me) likes a set group of people/friends and that's it. There is another type of person who is happy to make every get together "the more, the merrier" type of thing. When I'm going to say an amusement park with my best friend who has 3 kids, we both understand it's just us. She has a dear friend in her circle who says - sure, we'd love to go to X - let me ask everyone I know and post it on Facebook and let's get a group of people the size of Texas together. Um, no thanks. I'm not saying her way is wrong. Maybe she's a single mother with no family and she likes to surround herself with large groups of people. I just don't. I tend not to be very friendly with people who fall into this category. If I were in your shoes, I'd very matter of factly say - oh, I thought it was just going to be the three of us. I'm not going to go this time, but let's make another date for a different weekend.

Since this isn't a first-time occurrence, it might be time for a heart-ot-heart. Maybe explain that you value some quality time with just your gang. As for backing out of your weekend, can you try and enjoy it despite the "strays?" If they're paying their share--hopefully they are--maybe look it them as lessening the expense! And who knows, maybe you'll like them!

Good luck.

i would cancel. and then i imagine your other friend might cancel (i would). then maybe she'll realize, you didn't want to go with strangers. you wanted to go with HER.

yes, it's rude. and thoughtless.

and i do think that friends owe each other respect. absolutely! i would not just assume i was entitled to invite anyone on a trip that was planned between three good friends. especially if the new additions didn't know the original group... i am really surprised that some are saying this should just be accepted and "enjoyed". i would not find it enjoyable at all. but i am not a people person either. i guess the bottom line is, would you have fun. does she think (correctly) that you'd have fun and that's why she did it. or is she just presuming to make changes for you having no clue that you would be uncomfortable. and there's your answer.

I think it's off-putting, but honestly if there are three sharing, another two won't make much difference to privacy. I would look upon this a a chance to widen your circle of good friends. I hope you go and enjoy it. Unless you already know the other two and can't stand them...then I'd definitely cancel!

If it were me, I'd be taken aback a bit b/c if it wasn't mentioned & she assumed 'they' were invited then I'd be a bit offended & wondered why I didn't get the memo. I'd first talk to the other friend first & see if anything was mentioned to them & see how they feel & what their thoughts are then go from there as far as talking to your friend. It's always good to have 'backup' if you & the other friend thought the same thing, that it was just you 3. IMO it definitly was disrespectful for her to assume she could invite others on a trip that only you three planned. That's the same as if you happened to be sitting near friends who were making their own plans & invited yourself just b/c you happened to be sitting there. Good luck!

For me, the more the merrier. Five wouldn't be any different than three.

When you last spoke and she said two of her friends were coming, what did you say at that point? Because if it bothered you, you should have spoken up then. Now she thinks it's okay, because she told you and you didn't say anything. Plus, she's done it before, (with dinner and movies) and it sounds like you haven't said anything.

So, if it were me, I would do the same as Amanda. I would get my own room (personally I don't know how five of you would be comfortable in one room anyway!) and just go with it. Maybe you'll like these women, maybe not. But after the weekend, you can let your friend know that you would appreciate it if in the future she would see if you and the other friend were comfortable with it BEFORE she invited others to join you.

As for the respect thing, yes, it was disrespectful of her. And friends SHOULD respect each other. We ALL should respect everyone. Respect is not only for people who have authority over you! Respect means (among other things) courtesy. And it definitely was not courteous to invite people without checking in with the original attendees first.

I like the advice Amanda S gave - I'd be upset, but willing to see if they'd be willing to have their own room.

If this friend does this so often - start excluding her!

I am sorry! I would be upset too. I think you should stand your ground. Go, but get your own room and let her know why you got your own room.