Preteen Lying

Trust is hard to talk about- you have to show her. My daughter was caught lying about brushing her teeth, so the next time I sent her to brush them, when she was done I asked, "Did you brush your teeth?" She said she did. I said, "I wish I could believe you but you lied last time and I don't want you to have rotten teeth, so go brush them again." Then I followed her to watch her do it. I'm pretty sure she had really brushed them already, so she had to brush them twice, which was inconvenient to her. So now she doesn't bother lying about teeth brushing because she knows the consequence isn't worth it if she gets caught. You have to think on your toes and have logical consequences for her lying that will be inconvenient for her. Good luck! I think it's soooo important for us to build a trusting relationship (both ways) with our tweens before we wake one morning and find they are suddenly teenagers!

My step-daughter didn't make it to 12 with that, but we usually take her normal grounding time, and double it. We explain to her that if she hadn't lied about what she did, which mostly it's stupid little things that she wouldn't have gotten in trouble for, she would have been ok. But since she lied about something trivial, she got punished for it, and the lie.

It's tricky sometimes, every child is different. Hope you get some suggestions that help!

H.,
Remember she is trying more to get your attention than to drive you to drink. Pay less attention to the that behavior and more to spending time with her or finding out what she is trying to tell you. Give lots of positive reinforcements (hugs, praise, special girl time, asking her opinion on age appropriate matters for her). Give this some time and look for the best in her.
Good luck,
Vivian

worry about big things, stealing, sex and drugs, bad friends
Why is she lying, where did she learn it, check home first!
Set up a chart to indicte telling the truth and when she lies
Praise for the truth ignor the lies( with in reason) Sub tract the number of lies from the truths and when she has a set number more truth than lies reward, clothes, friends over, skating. It cost to lie It pays to tell the trut

Something so obvious as the example you gave is clearly her trying to get your attention. I would talk with her and explain that the lying has to stop and you aren't going to tolerate it any more. At the same time, you should tell her that you are going to set aside time (15 minutes at least) every day to chat just with her about whatever is going on. Try to ignore the insignificant lying for a week or so. After a week or two of you having her own time everyday, if you don't notice a significance reduction in the amount of lying then I would try something a little more harsh.
Best of luck!
Jen

The thing about trust is that it is a two way street.
While it is not okay that she is lying to you, you may want to ask yourself, why she may feel she can't trust you with the truth.

Your daughter is trying to gain acceptance and attention. Now is the time to make her your partner and helper. She needs a lot of time together with you really teaching her and using moments to train her about the dangers of lying, but most of all, simply spending a lot of quality time together. She needs to know that she is important enough to make sacrifices for her. 12 years old is the time when most kids are going through a lot of changes physically, emotionally, mentally, and behaviorally. They don't always understand why they do it, but they do things that express their discomfort with these changes. Try spending a lot of time with her and make it count! Let her know that she doesn't have to lie to get approval and that you value her for who she is, not who she is pretending to be.
I tell my daughters that when they tell the truth, they are way more beautiful to me than when they might make up the grandest of lies. They make it a point to say, "and that's the truth mom, even if you are angry." I let them know that I am very proud of them for telling the truth and that telling the truth is never wrong, even when it IS painful.
God Bless You!

Hi there,

I have a 10 year old son who lies occasionally, but I can usually catch him. He will do the same thing. I had an open bag of chocolate chips in my cupboard and they ended up "missing" one day. I knew he had to be the culprit, and I asked him if he ate them. He flat out told me he didn't, so I asked his younger brother. The younger brother didn't even know I had the bag in the cupboard. I turned again to the older one and did not take my eyes off of him for a second. I asked him again about the chocolate chips. He tried to act calm about it, but he finally gave in and told me he did eat them. I asked him why he lied the 1st time. He said he was afraid that he would get in trouble. I told him he was in more trouble by lying and that it wouldn't have been half as bad if he had just told me the truth. His computer and wii privileges were revoked that day. He hasn't lied since now that he knows what reaction I will have. I think they lie sometimes just for that reason. They aren't sure of what the parent's reaction will be to the truth! Once they see how calm and controlled you are about the situation in question, they will become more comfortable with telling the truth and discussing situations that may be hard for them to talk about. We are preparing our tweens for their next stage in life and things will run smoother if we strengthen the bonds now.

Good Luck:)

S.

Do not give her more attention when she lies. Kids are smart and learn the trick of manipulation at a very early age. If they are seeking attention and "bad" behavior gets them the attention they seek, they will continue down that path. Try spending more time with you child when she is not lying. The other essential piece is to maintain your boundaries!!!!! Give consequences for lying such as; no TV for ______long, or no privileges for ________long. Once you have proclaimed the consequence (make sure the consequence is one YOU can live with) STICK TO IT....NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Take it from a mom who learned the hard way....Gain your child's respect by showing them that you can be trusted by following through with what you say you are going to do. Good Luck! Visit my website to see if the services I offer may assist you. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs you will ever do, but it does not have to be a battle! Mom of a 20 and 14 year old girls : ) www.TransitionGuide.net