Nursing Etiquette for a Toddler :)

It's time to wean. This is the same type of behavior as the fit because I want this cup and I want to sit in this chair and I want........ It's time.

To the moms who say let them do it as long as they want..... If the child was still walking around with a bottle or having a fit and screaming at the refrigerator door 3 - 5 times a day for a bottle would you allow it? I don't understand why people are so upset at a bottle or paci for a 3 year old but have no problem whipping their shirts up for the same age kid when he has a tantrum (ok sorry getting off my soap box now)

Boundary time!

(Oh boy, I haven't gotten to say this in a while)

Babies have needs
Toddlers have wants
Adults have agendas

Now, that goes backwards, but not forwars (Adults also have wants and needs in addition to agendas, toddlers have wants and needs... but not agendas, babies purely have needs).

It's a difficult transition for PARENTS , esp if it's an activity (like nursing) that you've done since infancy.

The bra and breast thing is a WANT. Well, we don't always get what we want. (oh gosh, a song just sprang to mind). Learning how do deal with thwarted wants is the DEFINING characteristic of toddler years.

Consider it like hair pulling (doesn't matter how shiny and pretty and how much they WANT to pull the shiny pretty hair), or hitting (doesn't matter how much they WANT to hit. You tell them "No." and you don't let them do it.

YES THEY WILL CRY. And be mad. That's normal, natural, and in some cases WANTED.

When you tell her no, and she keeps doing something, and you remove her from the situation, you WANT tears. It's the beginning of empathy. She equates feeling bad with doing something wrong. Children who are ALWAYS KEPT HAPPY either DON'T do anything wrong, or the on't THINK they've done anything wrong. Shudder. She SHOULD be upset when she's in trouble. Again, that's the beginning of empathy, and listening, and learning about cause and effect, and so much more.

In the beginning DO give chances. But after 2 or 3... it turns from learning to listen/control impulses into a game. Go with your gut. Game = finis. Not listening = finis. Throwing a fit =s NOT getting what you want.

((Big hint: Don't give into fits. EVER. Every time you do guarantees 2 things: About 3-7 months of MORE fits, and setting the 'timer' on the next one. Meaning if you hold out 10 min, the next one they won't even think of stopping until 15. 30/40. 60/90. Kids AND adults are hard wired for "random reward". Random rewards guarantee the behavior and MORE (time & intensity) for months. It's the foundation of gambling in adults and the kid who will scream themselves sick until they get what they want. Don't cave. If you feel like you're going to cave LEAVE. Put them in their crib, or carseat and take a timeout for BOTH of you. They DO NOT earn the reward from stopping the fit. They earn out of the crib or seat.

There's a bunch of rhymes and for both parents (more fore stressed parents, i think) and kids.

2

If you throw a fit you do NOT get what you want.

&

You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!

All TOTALLY normal! If you can try to go to a toddler meeting if the La Leche League near you has one (or if they don't find out which regular meeting has the most older nurslings) http://www.llli.org/webus.html there's also a "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" book, but it's not NEARLY as helpful as laughing and brainstorming with a group of like minded moms in person!

Okay.... both my kids self-weaned. My choice.

My daughter self-weaned at.... about 2.5 years old.
BUT, she was not rude about it.
Because, once she was that age, I taught my daughter RULES about nursing.
1) it is MY boobs.
2) NEVER just grab me... ask, politely.
3) NEVER out in public (she was a toddler)
4) NEVER, just come and pull up my shirt if I am sitting down.
5) IT IS MY BODY... my boobs.

For you: You TEACH her this. Why... is she controlling your body?
AND I would, use a sports bra... then nothing for her to unhook.

Now, again, my kids self-weaned... my daughter when older and my son at about 1 year old.

You TEACH the child, RULES about it.

AND, also with my daughter, when she wanted to nurse, I would sometimes tell her "In a minute... Mommy is busy..." and then my daughter would get distracted. It taught her... that it is not an immediate thing/that she can wait/that it is my body... and by the time she was say 2 years old... this was appropriate for her because she was self-weaning.

IF your daughter acts that way and you don't like it... then... simply UNlatch her, when she does that.
Just unlatch her.... and put her down. Say "No.. that is rude... Mommy does not like that. "
She will learn.

One day my daughter just stopped on her own. She told me "I don't drink from you anymore...." and then she GIGGLED like it was so funny that she used to do that. And she was done. All done and never went back. All on her, own and her own timeline.

I know you said you did not want to hear "you are the mom", but you are. You need to set boundaries for what you are comfortable with. That is part of being a parent, setting limits so our children can learn how to function in our society.

I can relate! The only thing that worked for me and I know a whole lot of other parents, is setting boundaries. When she does this, firmly say --her name and No. I don't want to do that tonight. Gently move her hand to another place that is comfortable for you. Its unfortunate that she is a bit older because she is more set in her ways in being able to do this for the past 17 months. Its easier with littler ones, but if you are gentle and firm, she will learn and do just fine. Keep on nursing as long as you both are happy! GL!

M

I'm a big fan of breastfeeding. That being said, I'm a huge fan of boundaries (also).

To me, it sounded like you don't want your daughter playing with your bra, throw fits over your breast, or demand your shirt is up. Those things wouldn't work for me either.

Here's what I did with my daughter. If I told her no and she threw a fit, I would end the session calmly and firmly. "No, (name) do not lift up my shirt (or what ever your specific boundaries is). My shirt stays down." If she listened, fantastic. Let the feeding go on. If she through a fit or tried again, the breast got tucked back in, I would put bub down gently, then stand up and go about my business.

Your kiddo's comforts and behavior is completely normal for her age, but that doesn't mean you don't get to start teaching her to respect your personal boundaries.

Good luck!

I don't know how you would accomodate this behavior when in public. At this point, your child is not nursing for nourishment...she can eat table food just fine I am sure. This is only for comfort. If you are uncomfortable with this behavior (And it sounds like you are since you posted this), then you need to stop her from doing it. If that means weaning, then it really won't hurt her at this point...

I feel ya! My nursing toddler freaked and wanted to nurse at the market! I told him not there as our rule is we must have privacy to nurse. We no longer nurse when out unless it's a day out like the zoo or Disney. Yes he grabs at my chest when he wants to nurse and I move his hand and ask him to stop. He usually does. I think you need to set up the foundation that works for you. I try to be consistent but after a bad trip to the dentist I bent my rule and nursed in the car. I think they are still so young rules and boundaries take time. I say love, consistency and tolerance. Good job with the ebf.

Why wouldn't you be looking for a way to end this? It is incredibly inappropriate and rude, and she should not be allowed this behavior. On top of that, there should be discipline (with whatever your chosen route is), for throwing a fit. Your daughter NEEDS boundaries!! You don't want to hear it, but you ARE the mother. It is YOUR body. YOU control your body. You are allowing your daughter to take ownership of your body. Unacceptable. There is no need to quit nursing, there is a NEED to set boundaries. If she misbehaves, controls, demands, throws a fit...she doesn't get to nurse. YOU need to do this. She should not be able to touch, grab, caress, demand, uncover. If she does those things, she doesn't get to nurse. It will only keep getting worse, if you don't step up and own your own body.

Yes, my daughter did this too... I would teach her to not unhook your bra (especially in public) but everything else is pretty normal. The caressing of your breast by your nursling is their way of getting comfort, love, security and show of possession. From the ages of 14 months to 3 years old... my daughter would yell and hit at ANYONE who would touch me while she was nursing. If she wasn't nursing, anyone could touch and snuggle with us.

The soft stroking, head on the breasts, child being so happy - there is no reason to end that, so I agree with you. I don't know if your little one ever started or will start the 'twiddling' or 'tweaking' of the other nipple while nursing - which is kind of their way of priming the nipple before they move over to it. If the nipple grasping is painful, maybe teach her gentle or mouth only for the nipples.

The covering of the breast causing an issue... also completely normal. I'd wait for her to fall asleep before I'd cover up or pull up the sheets. Worked out well wearing a sports bra or button up pj shirt to bed.

I found that using nursing necklaces helped a bit during that phase with my son...a circle of different shaped beads on a cord with the proper length for him to play with while he nursed. I also started holding his hand, letting him play with my fingers and pat my hand. As Pamela mentioned, there may be a biological reason for playing with your other breast. Some experts think that baby playing with the other breast encourages letdown, so they may learn that they get more milk, more quickly that way.
I'm sorry this is stressful for you! Remember that it will pass, and the time that we nurse them is so short. My oldest self-weaned at just over 3 years, and even though I am nursung my 1 year old now, I miss that extra snuggling with my first born.
You are doing a great job!!
Boundaries shmoundaries... you can certainly restrict nursing to private times/areas, but I would set the "our bodies, our selves" conversation aside until she is at least capable of being potty trained!

What a loving mother you are! Good job!

Something to consider: this is definitely not a nursing issue nor a "who's the mom here" issue. But it sure is a boundaries issue! My second daughter is now 29. For a lot of reasons, she wasn't taught limits and boundaries as a young child. It was easier for others to just work around her than to have to deal with her behavior (wicked looooong story).

She is FINALLY learning about boundaries and limits -- but it's cost her a lot of friendships, a lot of anxiety & difficulties with others and a great deal of sadness for herself along the way. She's a wonderful woman, with so much to offer -- but her total lack of understanding about how to behave with others has shot her in the foot more times than I can count.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to consider our children's behavior in terms of how they can behave with others, not just how they feel about themselves or how we feel about them. If she's grabby & such with you as a toddler, what are her second grade classmates going to think of her? Will she be able to get along, doing a project with her Girl Scout troop or will it be all about what she wants? Will others want to deal with her?

Our function as parents includes helping our children develop into people others WANT to be with. Boundaries and limits are important -- how to set them for ourselves and how to respect those other people set.

As mothers, we are not raising children, we're raising future adults.

Love your little one and treasure these times -- and help her be the wonderful woman you know she can be.

My son is almost 18 months old and he does the EXACT same thing. In fact, I was laughing at your post because this could have been mine! I've breastfed most of my children for 2 years but at this point, my others were only nursing a couple times a day. But my son, now, nurses probably 3-5 times a day or more. He's very attached and gets a lot of milk. He gets grumpy and won't be happy until he nurses and then he's happy. It's like his coffee several times a day. I'm not even sure what to do since he's my only one who's acted this way. I guess I'll find out when it's time to wean him...LOL

When my DD did things that were not appropriate anymore, she got put down after a warning. Even now, sometimes DD will want to pat my belly and that's not acceptable to me in public and I correct her.

I would start to tell her to not do that and tell her that if she continues, nursing will stop for a bit. You can also redirect her hand. Does she have a favorite toy? Would she hold your hand? Praise her when she is nice.

When I got to the point where I needed to change things, I tried to do so gently but firmly. Rather like when she was teething and had to be reminded to fix her latch, not bite me. Finding a middle ground helped both of us continue the nursing relationship.

I nursed my DD til 2.5. I feel you can find balance in both your needs and guide her to what you find more acceptable. After a year old, nursing is still important but not as primary as it once was. The occasional de-latch for better behavior will not ruin her nutrition.

I am so with you! My daughter just turned 18 months, and she's insatiable! It's to a point that I sometimes don't even want to hold her, because she just wants to lift my shirt up or stick her hand down my shirt to grab me. It kind of bums me out, because it sometimes feels that nursing is ALL she wants to do.

She's also always wants to rub my other boob when she's nursing. I told someone, I feel like I'm dating my high school boyfriend again with all the wandering hands. Sometimes she pinches and twists too - ow! She also gets mad when I move her hand away or cover up, but I'm so over it, I just make her deal with it.

I would like to practice child-led weaning, but sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with it all. It's so constant, and she's so aggressive about it. But I just try to remind myself that this time is actually pretty short when you consider a whole lifetime, and once this nursing phase is over, we will never get it back again.

I felt the same way when I was nursing my son - he was a boobaholic too. We went for two years, and then he stopped almost cold turkey. It felt good being able to nurse and then stop nursing on terms that we could both live with, so I'm trying to stick it out with my daughter and hope that our nursing relationship continues and ends in a similar fashion.

This is the beginning of setting boundaries. To me, this was a weird stage where up until a certain point, there really were very few boundaries. So this is the start.

It is normal, but that the same time, you're (almost) entering into the phase of separateness. There is what you are comfortable with and what she is comfortable with and very kindly and gently, setting your expectations. You don't have to quit, but you may need to alter how you breastfeed.

"Throwing a fit" is unacceptable behavior and sets a precident. Around this age my daughter began hitting, really just for reaction. I could not let her do that, so I set a boundary. She didn't like it, but who among us like having someone tell us 'no.' Again, you can do it in a way that is gentle and firm, but this is the beginning of toddlerhood where rules start really coming into play and may create frustration for her. Being able to withstand frustration is the beginning of resilience. This is a very good thing and she'll hate you and love you for it.

I've gone through this 3 times now (my 2 older children nursed until around 3 years, my youngest will be 3 in Jan, and is still nursing, though cutting down). You can definitely keep nursing and change the behaviors that are bothering you.

My advice is to work on it one thing at a time -- pick which habit you want to address first, and work on that one until it gets better.

My youngest used to pinch, scratch, pull, and poke at my breasts while nursing. Once he began to understand and respond to verbal requests, when he started doing any of these, I would take his hand, hold it firmly, and say in a gentle but firm voice, "no pinching. Gentle touches only." and then open his hand and gently put it on the side of my breast and show him what I meant. It took a little while, but he caught on. There were several times when I had to put him down for a minutes when he wouldn't listen, but he's learned. He still occasionally does these things, but all I have to do is remind him, saying "no pinching" and then he'll say "gentle." and lay his hand down again. Having something for them to fiddle with helps to -- an interesting pendant to fidget with and keep the hands busy.

In bed, I will just lay a hand over the other breast, or a blanket, or a shirt. He's nightweaned now, so it's not much of an issue until early morning. I will also often hold his hand to keep him from playing with the other one too much.

None of my kids ever opened my bra, so I don't have any specific advice for that one.

All of my children would just ask to nurse -- no cute words for it. But, they all refer to my breasts as "nurses." Now my little one will come up to me and say "Mommy -- I want to nurse you!" :-)

Sorry I don't have more advice.

Both my boys did the same them. My first I really couldn't tolerate it I weaned him right after he started. My 2nd I was able to tolerate it a little be more, but right around 18 months it was getting overwhelming for me. I have to say I probably could have gone longer with him, but he was still waking at night so I called it.

One way I was able to get the fiddling to stop was I handed him his binky (which he really didn't use as intended) when he started fiddling and said you can pinch, twist, shake this all you want. You can not do mommy or we will be done. It worked he just needed something in his other hand....Good Luck my youngest also liked my belly button--talk about pain--those little fingers hurt!

I am with the moms who are for boundries. Your daughter doesn't need breastmilk as much as she did as an infant. So if she doesn't want to follow the "rules" for breastfeeding tell her no milk for now and she can try again latter. my son had a habit of throwing food. When he did this I told him "well you must not be that hungry" and would give him the plate again in a bit.

My sons never unhooked my bra, but my youngest son had a habit of tucking his hand into my armpit when nursing, it was so cute and at 6 he still does it when we are snuggling. So funny!
My oldest was a boob rubber/patter, but only the one that he was nursing on. I always kept the other one covered for this reason.

Yes, time for boundaries but not weaning unless you are both ready. I can't believe some of the answers you have gotten here, holy rude! Yes, of course she's getting nutrition from you! Of course she's getting comfort, I don't know whre people think she's not getting these things, especially nutrition.

ANYWAY, she's big enough that you can tell her no or to stop with a warning that if she cries or is naughty you will be done with nummy for now and she cna try to act nice and nurse later.

While I applaud you for being able to nurse that long, I was only able to go a few weeks due to medical issues, I don't understand why you don't want to quit? Is it that you enjoy the moment? or that you feel its a duty to feed until ...? Sorry, I don't get it.

Nothing drives me more insane then seeing a toddler walk up to their mom and lift their shirt to nurse. To me when a child is able to do that they are too old.

If you do want to continue, I suggest pumping and switching to feeding her with a cup.