Negative Comments from Other Preschoolers...

I think you should address it with the teacher. The teacher can address the entire class about the issue of accepting one another no matter what they look like, which actually the teacher as a pre-kinder teacher should already be addressing. It is possible that you are more bothered by it then he actually is. I am wondering if the comments are really sticking with him or does he forget them? The muscle thing is probably an issue with him because it is something you have discussed with him at home when talking about daddy's muscles.

I would first gently bring it up with the teacher. She is in the best position to intervene, I think.
this is a difficult position - the balance of selfesteem and reality. . . I think you have an honest and good point of view about it
I wish the best for you

Hi C.,

I'm sure you'll hear a lot of helpful comments about the peers. I just want to say -- hold him back a year. A friend of mine had that same problem with her son so he repeated kindergarten (it was called pre-first). As a result, he was much more ready for school and had also grown bigger. He recently graduated from college with honors. I think if he had continued on he would never have done well in school because he needed the extra time to mature.

V.

Hi C.,

Kids can be so mean! I read hrough the advice from the other moms and what great advice! I also would recommend talking with the teachers, but really this lesson that he is learning is a great one for the future. He is experiencing at 4 how to deal with people who aren't nice. It's ahard lesson for us protective moms to sit and watch our kids learn, but with your support at home and all the love he is getting, he will see that being different is a blessing!

This is a little off track, but I'm not sure if you have watched TLCs Little People Big World. My almost 3 year old loves the show. It is not only family friendly, but maybe your son can pick up on the outward differences and see that it's the love and support of family that helps tham overcome obstacles, mean people, etc. It might be a good faimly show for you to watch together. It doesn't hurt that the kids do alot of really fun things.

Hope that helps.
M.

To help your son take his mind off what other kids think of him, ask him what he thinks instead. For example, "Mommy, the kids at school said I don't have muscles." Your response could be, "Well, what do you think? Do you think you have muscles?" In all likelihood his answer will be "Yes, I have muscles." Then you say, "You're right. You do have muscles." Then you can compliment him on something specific like, "I saw you use those big muscles on the monkey bars yesterday." This will help him see that it does not matter what other people say. No one knows him better than he knows himself, and that's the foundation for solid self-esteem. Show him that what he thinks of himself is more important than what anyone thinks about him. Your son is the only one who will be in his life from beginning to end, so his opinion is the only one that really matters.

Hope this helps - good luck!!

Hi C.,
Have you spoken to the school? They should be concerned if at this age, they are already bullying others. I think it is important to nip this in the bud with helping him to be empowered. I would speak with the teacher and school and see if they will address it and go from there with him so he can see that you are there for him. Then give the school an ability to do something, start there.

I have a 4-year old daughter. I read many child development books, and the best advice that I have found is to teach children to "use their words" when any children do anything that makes them feel bad in any way.

For example, if a friend pushes my daughter and she starts crying, I'll have my daughter tell her friend "I don't like it when you push me" in an assertive, strong voice. I will walk over with my daughter to her friend, get down to their level, and be there to remind my daughter what she could say if she chooses. Then I'll try to get her friend to respond to my daughter's comments, and get them both to talk about it.

It takes time to teach kids to be assertive, but it is so important. Not only for the ones being picked on, but to the bullies too to try to get them to think about other kids' feelings.

There is a good book called "How to be a good friend" - this is written for kids aged 4 to 8 and gives examples of all kinds of situations that kids get into with each other. It's a great conversation starter. Many times my daughter will talk about how she tried to play with some kids and they wouldn't let her join in, or some similar situation, and we always pull out that book to read and talk about things that she could try next time.

Even though your son has some developmental issues, I think that this book could still be a resource for you, as a conversation starter. As you read it you could discuss things you've heard him talk about, and have him practice what he could say back to the kids next time. Practicing is very important!

fyi, here's the exact title and author of the book:
How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them (Dino Life Guides for Families) by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Paperback - Sep 1, 2001)

Good luck!
K.

I had a student in my class once who was harassed by other students in his other preschool class. His self-esteem was ruined by the comments not only of the other children but their parents. The teacher never should have allowed this to go on. I don't allow anything but positive comments from one peer to another. We learn compassion in preschool. If we don't learn it there, we don't learn it in life. The teacher is doing her students and your son a terrible diservice by not standing up and saying something to the other children when they say unkind things to them. One of the California state standards for preschool is to understand and accept differences in people. The teacher must teach her students compassion for your son and his differences as he must learn to have compassion for their ignorance.

F.

A little about me:

masters degree in early childhood special education and preschool teacher for 10 years. mother of two grown children

Hey there C.! My son is also 4 y.o. and is on the more sensitive side. He has come home from preschool with pretty mature complaints - like "I just don't fit in" and "they just try to break my heart" when describing why he does not like school. He also has complained that the other kids do not like him. When I have asked his teachers they tell me that he gets along fine with the other kids and when I pick him up or drop him off he always seems to be playing and interacting just fine. I now have come to the conclusion that he has found that these are ways for me to keep him home from school (it worked twice when he had these complaints initially - I did let him stay home because I felt so bad for him).
You may want to talk with his teachers or observe him (if there is a way for you to watch him when he doesn't know you are there maybe?) and see if he really is having trouble.
Your little one might be smarter than you think!
Just a thought. Kids can be mean though and they do say things that are pretty hurtful at times.
Just continue being an encouraging mom and your son's sensitivity will be an asset as he grows into a young man!
Good luck!
C.
www.oohlalamama.com
____@____.com

As a preschool teacher of an inclusion class it would be extremely important to me to know that any child in my class feels as though they are being exposed to negative comments about who they are physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. The teacher may not even be aware of what is going on if it is a more subtle kind of teasing. Write down exactly what your child says (in his words) and ask your son's teacher if you can set up a time to speak with her privately. Don't attempt to do it at drop off or pick up as you will not get the one on one response that you want or need. It could be that your son is beginning to notice the differences himself and that maybe some offhand comments have made him more uncomfortable. Self-esteem is a really big issue for kids at any age so the more you can encourage him, the better....my only advise is to be sincere and genuine about it. If you are always encouraging and telling him how great he is at everything then he will begin to wonder if you are telling him the truth. Encourage the process not the product...as he is eating healthy foods you can say something like "Wow, your heart is heart is saying more, more" or when you are working out you can say' Can you feel your muscles getting stronger?"..not bigger, stronger...that way he can say to his freinds that muscles can feel strong, not look strong...even having a very quick explanation that everyone is made to look a certain way...even though mommies are not as big as daddies, mommies are just as strong in other things and then look for something that he feels he is really good at and even have him tell you what he thinks he is good at. If he is able to verbalize to you how the other kids make him feel, then he should be able to do this...get your teacher's help in the classroom and keep doing what you are doing. Kids can be cruel and this is just the beginning. You need to be able to give your child the tools to use so as he gets older it will just come naturally to him. Hope this helps!

Dear C.,

I'm a psychology professor and children are not my specialty, (I'm a generalist) but there is psychological research that suggests that late-maturing boys (puberty, that is) tend to have more social, emotional and behavioral problems than their peers; my guess is that this is because of the teasing and bullying. I've heard that boys often benefit from starting kindergarten a year later, and this would then help them hit puberty either early or "on time". Psychological studies suggest that boys who mature (puberty) earlier tend to benefit. Hope this helps.

This one hits home for me because I have a 5-year old boy who has is high-functioning autistic. With a lot of early intervention and work on his part, he's now in a regular pre-school class with a special ed teacher there to support him. I haven't heard of any kids saying mean things to him so far, and because he has a communication delay, he can't tell if they did, but I'm realistic enough to know that kid's at this age do start noticing differences and they haven't learned yet how to be tactful or censor themselves. I heard about this concept called Circle of Friends and am now trying to implement it with his current teacher so that it is carried over in his IEP when he transfers to a general ed kindegarten next year. I'll try to keep this simple, but basically a circle of friends is a way of developing peer support for a child in school with developmental disabilities. The end result is that your son will get the peer support from his friends that he needs to carry him through school AND (for me this is equally as important) his classmates will learn how to befriend someone with differences and that really, we are all the same underneath - developmental delay or developemental delay. I have some written material and an e-mail about the whole circle of friends concept, e-mail me and I will be happy to share it with you.

L.

Interesting stuff going on in this class. It is unfortunate that your son who is already a bit delayed was placed in a class with "mostly older" children. So from the get go, he feels a bit like the odd man out. But that is water under the bridge and here we are with about 2 months left of school so no sense in moving him now. But think about it, he possibly feels left out from these kids who are bigger and seem to grasp ideas and concepts easier. How can he relate to them? What can he do to set himself apart and get their attention? Which brings me to those muscles... You say that your son works out with you and is proud that he has "muscles like Daddy" which makes me think that perhaps he introduced the idea of "he with the most muscles WINS" into the classroom. I say this because I work in a preschool and I frequently see where Child A says something that hurts Child B who, in turn, hurls that insult right back and child A is devastated and can't understand what happened. Every child (and, truly, some adults) will use anything they can to feel better about themselves. You are right not to use the "ignore them" approach - kids don't share our sense of time and cannot grasp the idea that what they are experiencing today won't last forever. Instead, talk with your boy about how he felt about those comments and what preceded and followed those interactions. You can also try role playing where you be him and give him some ideas of words to use in response to these hurtful comments. Be careful that the words feel right for him (watch his face and body language for clues to his comfort level). Invite some buddies (one at a time) over to play and observe what happens. Stay in the background but be available to shift the play if things get heated. No child is born with the "how to be a friend" database installed - we have to show them how to be a friend AND how to stand up for themselves. Finally, definitely talk to the teacher and ask about the social dynamics of the class. You might be amazed at the insight she/he has. You are obviously a devoted mom and your son is lucky to have you in his corner!! Good luck!

Talk to the pre-kindergaten teacher about this, particular, situation & listen to her suggestions/advice.

Hi C.,
Definitly go and talk to the teacher. She is probabally unaware of what is being said on the play ground. She can talk to the other children or teach the whole class about how each person is completely unique and different from everyone else, all the way down to our own unique fingerprints. Even though we are not alike we need all the differences just like the pieces of a puzzle. Also let your son know that he is special and that there is not any two children that are exactly the same, not even twins. God made him just right!!!Good Luck, D.

I was amazed at my daughter's preschool how the children did not "make fun" of each other. After spending some time hanging out there, I noticed that the attitude of the teachers really affects the children. The teachers were always quick to say things like "His name is David, not "little kid", we use names here" in a gentle correcting manner. Same with potty accidents. This school takes kids pretty early (2 2/1) and encourages parents of kids who are on the verge of being potty trained to send them to school. I saw lots of potty accidents, but never any taunting, laughing, etc. Kids would go up to a teacher and say "Sam needs help changing his pants" Which is exactly what a teacher would have said to Sam. I guess my point is that preschool teachers can have a lot of influence on the way kids treat each other by modeling the behavior themselves. Try spending some time with them and see how they talk to the kids. If he has another year of preschool, maybe you can find a "kinder gentler" school that helps kids with impulse control by modeling good language.

C.,

My 4.5 y.o. has autism and is the school district program also. Kids can be really cruel and it is really tough when you've got a kid with challenges. I'd start by bringing up your concerns with his teacher and see what he/she has to say. I'd think the most effective thing would be for the teacher to address the issue of bullying and being unkind as an entire class. To have a real spirit of "inclusion" it has to start with the teachers and they have to work at it.

T.

Hi C. -

I would absolutely let your son's teacher know about all of this! She may have noticed already and she may have some observations to share with you, or she could be unaware of it and it would be a good thing for her to know. Having brought it to her attention, you can ask that she keep her eyes and ears open for such interactions. That said, not all teachers are very effective with stuff like this -- I don't know if it's a lack of training, a lack of time in a busy day, or a lack of understanding (I won't say a lack of caring). So you'll need to do some back-up support as well. We've been there with our daughter and so have some of our friends with their kids.

There are some excellent books on this subject, one that comes right to mind is "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander". I am NOT saying I think of what you describe as bullying. I saw one of the mom's comments that it could be that the other kids aren't communicating very clearly and I think she may be right about this situation. That certainly is true of children that age.

Something that goes on in groups of kids (and adults), not necessarily consciously, is that they try to establish a social order. By identifying who is the smallest & youngest (and by extension the weakest), they can identify themselves as bigger, older, stronger. And then there's the range in between. Not everyone has the need to do that, and it's bewildering to those of us who are content to just be ourselves.

Actually, I was there myself and grew up feeling a bit bad about myself. I came around to appreciate my sensitivity and differentness and even celebrated my ability to be empathetic. But all that was hard-won and took a long time. I want very much to point out that I was younger than all of my classmates. And I urge you, if you're not already considering it, to let your son have another year of pre-K before moving up. There is no shame in it; it's done frequently now and kids really benefit from it. I spent 3 years wishing I'd done the same for my daughter but I didn't realize her non-readiness (in her case academically) for Kindergarten.

Sorry that got long -- as I went along, the personal aspect of it sort of came up but it helped me to be clear (I hope). This is important stuff -- the readiness to move up to the next level at the right time. Learning how to navigate the negative comments of classmates is important too. I loved the suggestion by the mom who said to ask your son what HE thought and to help him see that was the main thing.

I wish you and your family all the best,
Colleen

Hi C.,
You've got so much great advice here and I totally agree that the teacher/school should be going to bat for him -- there's never room for bullying. Period. I only want to add one thing.

I want you to know that what your son is experiencing is, in part, somewhat normal (at least in my experience). Not good, but normal. Each of my children -- all 4 -- came home with the exact same complaints at that age. They'd break down in tears because the other kids said they were too little, too short, too tall, too weak, too strong, too fast, too slow, too pale, too loud, too quiet, too dumb, too smart, too huggy... seeing a pattern? It's nuts! No matter what, at age 3-5, my kids all had to learn that horrible, pernicious priniciple -- people tend to make labels. Loyalties and enmities changed as often as the wind in preschool. Seeing how changeable the labels could be helped my kids to understand that labels were worthless, meaningless, and simply a jagged tool. But even knowing that, they still hurt.

The teacher should have some great strategies to help him cope and to reign the others in. Do what I did -- don't just ask her to teach him good social strategies, insist that she teach you what he's learning to do. (So that you and she are on the same page. But also so you know what's working, what isn't and how much effort the teacher/school is putting into this.)

Good luck and give the little guy an extra hug from me and my kids.

:-)

Children sometimes have no sense at all when it comes to communicating. They know how to talk but to actually express what they really mean to say.

Both of my children have been in situations with other children either saying or doing something that bothered them. And my older daughter (younger one is only 2) has been on the giving end at times as well. Ninety percent of the time it is simply because the children don't understand that what they are saying is hurtful.

The boys in your sons class probably think of Rambo muscles when they are saying that your son doesn't have muscles. And he is littler than them, they may believe they are only stating a fact.

The best thing you can do is volunteer at your sons school so you can see first hand how your son deals with the situation on his own, and whether the boys really are being mean. If you can be there and actually get a chance to talk to the boys you can help them see that they really are hurting your sons feelings.

Another thing to do is have play dates with these boys. Get a group of moms together and go to the park after school.

Hi C.

My daughter is also 4 and in pre-k and she sometimes gets hasseled from the other kids because we dont let her run amuck in public like many of her classmates. Additionally, she does not get everything she wants...when she wants it. So with the combination of these two...it often results in coming home with comments about "your mom is mean", "i dont like your mom". Unfortunately, many kids want their parents to also be accepted by their friends.

My first thought is mindset of the parents. You mentioned your son has some development delays...and besides him being a little on the small side...he sounds like a normal boy...of the 4 year old boys that are scheduled to go to my daughters kindergarten class this fall...i would say only a small % of the boys are actually starting kindergarten...so the fact that your son may be staying behind one year...really is a normal thing for boys. Trust me, he will catch up!

As far as size...teaching him about the body, mind and soul...will show him that size doesnt matter! Keep in mind that in 30 years, when the other "muscle bound" boys are lifting boxes at the plant...your son will be running a biotech company!!!

I agree with you...that how we approach things with our kids when dealing with issues is critical. If you teach him to run and tell the teacher all the time, then he'll learn that other people will take care of his problems for him. Ask him how it makes him feel. he may end up telling you that it happened at school...but it doesnt really bother him.

You have a very special son...and not because he has a learning disability...because he has a mom who cares about him and wants to do the right thing. If size isnt his thing right now...tell him everyday what is so special about him. He'll know his parents love him and that the kids at school are petty.

As far as the teacher, I might just ask her if shes heard the boys talking about it...but I wouldnt complain. Part of that is just kids growing up. Think about the people you know...I'm sure there are some goofballs that make you think at the end of the day, thank god I'm me...and that's what our kids should say every night when they go to sleep!

good luck! S.

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