Need Positive Reinforcement Tricks/ideas for Toddler & Preschooler

Hi J.,

My director shared a tip with me about hanging an envelope over the window or on the door (any high place where the child can't reach) and tell the child if they complete the desired activity, they get what is in the envelope. They can not look to see what is in the envelope first before deciding. She said she would very the prize. Sometimes it was a candy bar, sometimes it was money, sometimes it was a fun event. You vary the prize.

Super Nanny is big on sticker charts and those types of reward systems where when the child accumlates enough stickers or prizes they receive an award. I'm probably going to go this route with my daughter. Come up with a clevor name and make a chart because I'm at a place too where she is becoming challenging on certain fronts and I feel a reward chart might do the trick.

Good luck!

Angie

We use a marble jar. Each time the kids (2 and 4) do something extremely nice or helpful they get a marble. Our kids weren't sleeping through the night very often. We told them we would give them a marble each night that they did. They were so excited to get up in the morning knowing they would get a marble. If they don't listen or are mean to a sibling, we make them take a marble from their jar and put it back in the big container. After 10 marbles they get to do something fun.

Good luck!

Hi J., my kids are the same age as yours. We use a prize jar. We put in a couple prizes such as quarters (they love the rides at the arcade), stickers, gummy bears, etc. They don't get their prize jar until they are ready for bed (except for brushing teeth if candy is involved). If they get their prizes and refuse to brush teeth or go to bed they can have a prize taken away from the next days prize jar. My three year old loves popcycles. He gets one after lunch and another after supper. We will threaten to take those away as well. What do your children cherish? Use it to get them to behave. It can be hard to deny them of something that they really like, but after doing it a couple times all you have to do is threaten. Just be consistent! If you tell them you are taking it away, take it away! Good luck!

Positive, calm!, matter of fact voice. they need to know that they cannot drag you in emotionally. that IS what children that age long to do, because...when we get angry, they in turn get control, power, attention, and can stay up a while longer. as humans, we all long for exactly our way. we just need to help our children learn how to deal with making choices that will help them get positive attention, feel great about themselves, and yes, even power. (i.e. ok... we're going up to bed. do you want to walk, or should i carry you?) give LOTS of choices. (kind of toothpaste, pj's, etc.) giving transition time helps my kiddos, too. the five minute, three minute, one minute, warning, or more if they need it. for my five year old, (a bit more reasoning going on there:) i will often put the ball in her court, by saying "I'm going to have a peaceful night/quiet time, what kind of night are you going to have?" good luck. this too shall pass. :) peace, A.

J., I know of a wonderful resource that offers information that works. I work at a daycare, and found this info through the center and the public school system. It is called Love and Logic, and everyone I know that uses it has great results, and it works with all age levels. You can check out the website for information, www.loveandlogic.com, or see if your local library has a copy of one of Jim Fay's books:"Avoiding Power Struggles with Kids", or "Parenting with Love and Logic:Teaching Children Responsibility" There are other titles also. This resource allows you to identify your parenting style and learn what will and will not work with your children, set limits with enforcable statements, share control through lots of small choices, stop arguing, build relationships, and teach your children to anticipate consequence. Check it out!
Good luck, relief is in site!
C.

J.! I see you're in Minneapolis. I just checked out two DVDs from the Hennepin library system that are just great. They are 1-2-3 Magic and More 1-2-3 Magic. The one you'd want is the later, More 1-2-3 Magic, as that one deals with encouraging good behavior, independence, and self-esteem. I implemented the first DVD a couple of weeks ago (stopping bad behavior), and the strategies worked well right away! I am sold! So I would highly suggest this. Good luck!

Have you tried doing them one-on-one? When toddlers get together they have a hard time focusing on themselves as they are constantly stimulated by the other children. Taking one to one end of the house and the other to the other end may help.

Also, have one start 1/2 hour before the other so that they are not having a joint bedtime routine.

Once they each have a separate bed-time routine, they will calm down faster.

Alternate nights for baths - or one goes at night, one in the morning... if they miss taking baths together you can have a one time a week bath together with the understanding that they have to cooperate after the bath is done or it won't happen again.

If they sleep in the same room, have alternating nights where your bed is where the bedtime stories are read.

Little incentives go a long way with toddlers - joint bath night and bedtime stories in mommy/daddy's bed can be enough to enlist cooperation.

When my daughter doesn't want to go on the potty, I tell her I'll race her to the bathroom. Works every time, she stops what she's doing and races me there. Works for the bedroom for nap, dinner table, etc. You could try who can be more still for a diaper change. It's worked for months for me, so give it a whirl!

We use a sticker chart for both of our boys and it works great. But they are 7 and 4, not sure if it would work on a 3 1/2 and a 2 yr old. If you do go that route I would suggest starting with a low amount of stickers (about 3) then let them pick out a prize asap from the store. If you wait too long for them to get a prize they won't put it together that Good Behavior + Stickers = Toy.

I don't have any ideas for diaper changes, other than beginning to potty train.
You don't say what your routine is for baths and bedtime. I would set up a defined routine. Set a timer tell them when the timer goes off it is time for your bath, or bed, or whatever. Dinner, bath, teeth brushed etc. After the are ready for bed if they are good they get to watch a DVD of their choice or have a story read to them and maybe their desert or a piece of fruit or some popcorn at that time ( but I hate using food as a reward). If one of them is "good" and does what is expected of him he gets the reward the other one goes to bed. Yes, he will cry and scream and protest but stay firm tell him 'when you take your bath like a good boy you get a story too" Try it hopefully it wiil work. I found for my kids a defined routine is the best thing kids like routine.

HI J.! Oh do I understand where you are coming from! I have a 3 1/2 year old boy and 2 1/2 year old girl and evenings are tough. When my kids get tired, they get wound up. For most kids and also for me, a bath calms me to go to bed. For them, they get all wound up. So when I am trying to get them ready for bed the are all giggly and fooling around. It drives me crazy! Then when I put them in bed, if they are tired enough they will fall asleep. Otherwise they lay in bed and will holler for me. My husband doesn't really do bedtime because he works at least 5 evenings a week so we have the routine down with me and the kids. But when he is home, they either don't pull it ir stay up a little later because he is at home. I just deal with it as frustrating as it can be at times. Especially since I work full time and between that and spending alot of time with the kids alone, I get burned out! So in regards to the positive reinforcement, all I do is help them get themselves dressed...(if you aren't doing that already) which keeps them "occupied" as well has allowing to let them wash themselves in the tub and my daughter likes to also help with washing her own hair. I've also learned to help them in the tub to focus on the task at hand, sometimes we'll sing like B-I-N-G-O or Twinkle Little star so their mind is occupied while I'm trying to give them a bath or get them dressed. Its even helped if we read a book or lay by them for a few minutes to get them to relax. Good luck!

My boys are about the same ages as yours. I use a sicker chart and it works very well for my just turned 4 year old and has worked well with him for the past year and 1/2 or so since I started it. I started using it when potty training my oldest. My 2 year old goes on and off being motivated by it, but they have very different personalities. This is how I do it.

They have a variety of small cool stickers and whatever tasks you decide they earn one sticker. My 4 year old earns stickers for helping with chores (folding laundry, putting away silverware, cleaning up toys, etc.) and cooperation tasks. My 2 year old earns them for going potty and cooperation tasks (behaving in the grocery store, bedtime, cleaning up toys).

My 4 year old needs to earn 10 stickers before he gets to a star on his chart or a smiley face. I write the star or smiley on the square where the sticker goes. When he gets to a star he wins something. Things he earns for a star are: going to BK for lunch and play, romp and stomp, pool, baking cookies, finger painting, zoo, any special thing we don't do often works well. My two year old earns smiley faces about every 5 squares of stickers. A smiley face earns him a tatoo, a prize, or a special treat. I have a cupboard I stock up on prizes. My boys love box cars and honestly could never have enough so I load up when I see them at garage sales and put them in my cupboard. When they earn a smiley face they get to pick one car out to keep. My two year old loves this. They both also love the tatoos which you can occassionally find for cheap at the $1 section at Target.

I think this system works well because they have a lot of choices. They choose to cooperate and earn a sticker, they get to pick out the sticker and place it on the chart on their own, when they reach a smiley or star they get to choose the prize(out of preselected choices of course). My boys love it! I plan on doing it for atleast 2 more years before I implement them earning $ for an allowance. I never punish with the chart, meaning I never take away a sticker once it is earned so it is only positive reinforcement. If they don't cooperate they don't earn a sticker simple as that.

For brushing teeth, I got a second tooth brush. While I brush my son's teeth, he "brushes" a toy of his choice. Now he tends to skip the toy and just do his own teeth. We went from struggling to actually helping me get his teeth brushed. My son is 22 months.

We recently had some similar problems. I made a Smile Chart for both kids with 1 or 2 objectives (ours were things like "Stay in bed", "Use a kind voice", etc.). We gave them a smiley face on the chart when they did what they were supposed to do. They loved it and did really well. We only focused on 1 or 2 things at a time. We kept it positive and sometimes gave them a smiley face on their hands. The chart re-established good habits and helped my husband and I focus our efforts as well - now they stay in bed w/out a smile chart! Of course we now have new issues to work on...