My Daughter Was Caught Lying to Her Teacher

It is obvious to me that she was embarrassed to have her name on the board. In addition to telling her of your disappointment, she needs to know that you know how terrible she felt and now probably even more so. So my advice is to ask her if she was embarrassed by having her name on the board. And then ask her if there was anthing else she was feeling or any other reason she erased her name. Then echo back to her what she tells you, so she knows that you understand. Then empathize with her--"Yes, that must have been really embarrassing. I would have been embarrassed too," then add, "Well, now you know what the teacher will do if your lessons aren't done. So let's try and get them all done and if you need help with them, tell me and I will try to help you, okay?" Then ask her, "And if your name is ever up on the board again, how will you respond?" She will hopefully say she won't erase it and then you can add, "Good! That would be a good decision. Don't erase it, but get the lessons in as fast as possible so the teacher can erase it and you won't get into trouble again. Okay? And yes, I was disappointed that you lied to the teacher, but I do still love you and I'll always love you. Always remember that."

Or something to that effect, in your own words. You sound like a mother who is really trying to be a good one and your children are blessed to have you!
From V. Garrett, mother of three grown sons.

I am learning with my son, it is a matter of testing boundaries for one. I personally think the teacher is wrong by putting the names of the kids on the board for not having work done- it is belittling to the kids- but that is another story.
So, ask your daughter what might be bothering her, remind her you love her unconditionally but that lying is unacceptable

You did a great job, and I agree with the person who said you should dig deeper to find out why she did it. There may be something there that needs to be dealt with. Once you get to the bottom of it, remind her that no matter what the reason, lying is wrong and let her know there will be consequences if she lies again. Tell her exactly what the consequences will be and follow through with them if it happens again. We also have a rule at our house that if you do something wrong, you will bear the consequences of your actions, but if you also lie about it, the consequences are automatically doubled. I would also talk to the teacher and gently suggest that writing kids' names on the board can be humiliating, especially for more sensitive kids. Suggest that she address those issues with a note to the parents, or just taking the child aside and telling them.

I agree w/ every mom ahead you did great! I had a similar issue w/ my 6 year old, except his was opposite, he didn't do it but said he did cause other children had said they saw him do it, he was afraid he would get into more trouble if he said he didn't, so I explained about lying no matter what the circumstance and then talked w/ his teacher, she did apologize for jumping to conclussion and also explained to him that he can tell her anything no matter what he thinks might happen, it is normal for kids to lie, they do it out of fear and survival, doesn't mean it isn't wrong, it just means we have to work a little harder to get them to understand it isn't ok, and that there are consequences but that those those consequences can either be big or small that it is thier choise. I say good job!

It sounds like you did the right thing. Good for you--keep up the good work!
As a teacher, I, too, write the names of my students who have missing work on the chalkboard. This is only a way to inform them, not to humiliate them. I think the chalkboard is an excellent communication tool. It is large, everyone can see it, and permanent. The papers we give to kids often disappear, sometimes in mere seconds, and I'm not kidding!

Be thankful that it happened now, when she is eight. What a great learning experience! I am always thankful for chances to teach my kids things like this when they are young and the offense is relatively small. Most likely, she learned that she didn't like the feeling of being decietful and will never do it again. If she does it again, I agree, the penalty should be more strict. You handled it great.

Our prayer for our chldren is always that they will be caught when doing something wrong.

S. dear,
think what might be a cause of lying?
I am a mom of 3, they all big now, boys in their 20, daughter 17.
Lying comes from fear. It is not that she wants to misbehave, but notice, she wants to be better than she manages right now.
She erases her name, written there 'cause she had something not done well (or at all), but she is afraid to be in that 'bad' list - notice to the teacher, btw: if the teacher ensured that kids understand it is not a shame list, but a REMINDER LIST for those who FORGOT to do things right, then it might help much better, right?! (I am a teacher, and I respect children's integrity a lot, as well as the space of their safety. Safety is not only about not getting hurt physically, it is about not bullying, about feeling at home at in class as we spend about 1/3 of the time there).
Now, back to lying. Scolding usually does not help. It is great news if your dear girl does not lie to you, so you try to keep it so. How? She needs to know it is not scary, it is safe to tell you the truth, WHATEVER it be. How will she know it is safe? If you do not punish, but HELP her to get out of the unpleasant situation. Always, assure her you are there for her to seek for help, not to be afraid of punishment.
I do not ever say to the kid "you are a liar". I would say: you lied this time, there should be a reason for it, let us see what can be done to remove or diminish that reason. Then, let us see what does the lie help you? Is it safe to lie? NO, because once you get caught (and eventually you always will), then you lose the situation you wanted to save by lying, AND people will not believe you, they won't trust you any more even when you will speak the truth. So, it is really not worth risking so much, this lying. Lying is not safe, speaking the truth is, as if there is a bad situation, yet you still speak about it openly, you win first of all by people knowing you are HONEST, which is very important.
This seems like too much philosophy for the 8 years old, but believe me it is not. Support this philosophy by examples, and you will see she gets it pretty soon.
Please, please do not threaten her, and do not warn about punishment, as this is seemingly what she is afraid of - being punished somehow. You did the right thing: you did not ground her.
Also, the great idea is to MAKE AGREEMENTS with her. With my kids, if something was wrong, (my son did not wash the dishes when it was his turn, for example)I asked the kid to participate in inventing the consequence. That was my talk:
"you forgot to do it, you did not behave right, what do we do about it now, as it is OUR problem. I did not teach you about the importance of this thing right, you did not behave. Will it be FAIR if you do not watch TV today? Or, will we better let you stay home for a weekend, no friends, no videogames?"
You know, surprisingly, kids respond to this invitation very sincerely. They expect the punishment if they misbehaved, but if it comes from an adult,then the adult stays onm the other side of the fence. Suddenly, you swipe off all this fencing idea between the generations and invite to making decisions together. know what happens? They grow responsible! They also chose appropriate punishment. In that case I described, unwashed dishes do not deserve a weekend grounding, but it does deserve no TV in the evening. They might try to sneak out of the punishment, but you stay firm and say there is no way, as every deed has its consequences. Also, in such cases, after the situation is over (wrong fixed with chosen punishment) , you might want to confirm your statement of "every deed has its consequences", and once you notice the dishes were washed in time, you might treat the good 'doer' with one extra candy or 15 minutes of later going to bed.
Oh, and one more thing. I tried not to set up orders which were extremely hard to follow. Say, she reads an interesting book. It's bedtime. I might say:"lights off, all sleep" but I knew also, she has a flashlight, and the book is in there, so interesting... there is a big chance she will pretend she's asleep, or even wait when you fall asleep, and then read under the blankie with a flashlight on. Lie coming, right?! So, what I'd do, be wise: "I see you cannot drop this story right this moment, so here is 20 minutes of extra reading time, then you bring the book to me, as I want to peek in also, at what you're so excited about (you share, right? Please!), we hug nighty-night, and you go straight to sleep, as tomorrow is a very interesting day coming, you need to be strong, and happy, not sleepy and tired, right?!" Thus, first you meet her need (a little) and then you demand strict obedience in the gentlest manner, she does not even notice that you are the Queen of the situation, or, she allows it to happen, as you are FAIR).
One more cause of lying, besides fear, is pity. She might be afraid to HURT YOU as she loves you so so much. She does not want you to worry, cry, be concerned, and by protecting you, she hides her troubled thoughts, not very right deeds, or the missing assignments for school. Watch for this cause carefully, and if this is the case, you need to talk to her how muich better it is if you like good friends can solve her problems together, as then you are a TEAM and this is what will make you happy, not the times when she distances herself in her own world of worries. This is a slow gaining of trust from our kids, and not all the parents have this happy friendship with kids for a lifetime.
See, we ARE moms, and we are supposedly good parents, but only the kid choses later in life, whether to treat you as a parent only, or to accept you as a real dear trusted friend for a lifetime. Right now, you build this foundation for all of you, and seems like you are doing great. Nothing is wrong, nothing is broken, this lying situation is only something to work on consciously, this is a little step closer to trust, and care, and deeper friendship. If treated wrong, it is a step towards distancing, more untrust, more growing problems in future.
My experience tells me, it is harder to raise girls. See the teenage time coming soon,and remember yourself at the teenage time (it is never easy), relate a lot, and try to be of a help for your girls, a safe harbor to come and share, and seek for understanding.
Think about it: You are honored to be a mom, you are blessed to have two wonderful souls around you!!! A lot of responsibility, and also a huge amount of joy! Feel it!

S., I am really sorry to hear about your problems in life. I think about all your safety also, and once he will be out, do you have a restraining order, so that he has no right to approach you and girls anywhere within 300 feet? if it was really bad, make sure you get one. Do you know how to do it?
In the Court District, there should be an office of Victim Services, they help.

S. dear, all the best for you, to be a happy mom for your great girls!!!
Happy Holidays!

Hello S., sounds like you have a handle on this. Never accept anything you wouldn't like the kids to do to you. (lying, cheating, stealing, hitting) This is a GREAT time to teach and instruct your children. I have been in your shoes however I did not learn as quickly I had been in 2 abusive marriages and had 4 children who are now great adults!!My wise father once told me you can not lead children you must guide them. (you lead a horse) Let them see you be proud of them and let them see your disappointment in them. They need dicipline and love in equal doses to learn. After all don't we learn from making mistakes too???
Good luck with your children.
Simply,
K.

You acted correctly in this situation. You could add to it that if it ever happens again, the punishment will be more severe.

Kids will lie, espesially if they are caught off gaurd, and feel they are cornered and will get in trouble. Now, I'm not condoning this behavior, but I feel grown ups need to approuch children non difensively for honest answers.

Also, keep an eye out--if this is odd behavior for her, maybe she is unjustly having her name on the board?? Just a thought!

I would have handled it the same way. Can you have a heart to heart talk with her to uncover what motivated her behavior? Was she embarrassed, hoping to avoid doing her work, bullied into it by a classmate? Maybe she just did it on impulse without thinking through the consequences, but if it were my daughter, I'd see if I could, gently, dig deeper.

S.:

Eight years old is one of the tough ages. They are so impressionable and they act out with circumstances out of their control. This is unfortunate but do not fret to much about it. Continue close communication with the school and with anyone else she is close with as they will see the behavior changes more so then yourself. Only reason is because she will behave her best with you around and not so good when not around you. Continue to have serious conversations regarding honesty and how honesty is rewarded but be careful to not over do it. Focus on all the good she is doing and why. My daughter at 8 for some reason would lie and do things that I could not understand. But until I began focusing on the good and explaining how proud I was of her, did it begin to turn around. She is now 15 and a very responsible and honest young lady.

T.

My son was doing the same thing! He is 6 years and is in first grade. The teacher said there were a few in the class who were doing it as well so she did a few days of lessons on lies. I also have her e-mail so on the days that my son does something at school she sends me an e-mail saying so. So when I pick my son up I already know and when I ask if he got in trouble and says no...I already know that he is lying. As a parent we tell a lot of white lies as well. So watch out because they will start pointing them out. My biggest thing is MAYBE. I always say maybe that way if it doesn't happen I didn't lie.

S.
My daughter has done that too. I would suggest calling the teacher and apoligizing for this and telling the teacher that you are aware of the lying. After this ask the teacher to make an appointment with you and come back to your daughter with "Mrs.-----wants to talk to us today after school." Your daughter may be scared, but she needs to know that you are working with the teacher and have"open communication" and that the teacher will stay in touch. She needs to do whatever tha two of you decide on to make up for her mistakes. I have had my kids write apology letters, buy a replacement for what they took or whatever they need to to resolve the problem. Next time she wants to lie or steal she might think twice. It's best to catch problems early so the don't become unmanageable
Good luck P.