I have 2 stepdaughters, a 5 year old and 7 year old, and also a daughter of my own who is 9. I have been with my stepdaughters dad for 4 years now, and we have lived together for pretty much the whole time. During the early stages of our relationship we had my step daughters for a week at a time (the older one was not in school yet) so they would be with us a week then back to their mom and so on. During this time I noticed that when everyone was asleep the youngest one (who is 5 now) would get up in the middle of the night, go in the bathroom & get my make up and have a feild day, I would wake up to powder foundation in the floor, lotion squirted out in the toliet lipstick on the mirror... and certain things missing.. she would take them and hide them in places she only knew about and I would find them later. Well now for the past 2 years we only get my stepdaughters every other weekend.. & especially since we have moved in the house we live in now (which has been 2 years in a couple of months) I've noticed my youngest step daughter stealing again.. first going into my own daughters room and just taking what she wants.. & when I asked she would just say she is jealous of the toys my daughter has so she took them. Then one day I lost my tablet.. I looked forever.. and the last place I had it was in my step daughters room. Finally I said okay girls the tablet was in here with yall last you can give it to me or I am telling your dad and you're going in the corner, then the youngest one said fine and retrieved it for me from under all the blankets and pillows on her bed. And again her reasoning for this was "just because" or "I dunno". Well 2 days ago I got home from work, go the my bathroom that's attached to my bedroom (WHERE NO KIDS ARE ALLOWED) and find one of my makeup bags on the floor with everything scattered everywhere.. I went to my youngest step daughter right away and she says "I didn't do it".. well today, her older sister comes to me with a handful of makeup and says she found it hid in their room. It was makeup from the bag I found in the floor in my bathroom. I asked my younger step daughter to admit to 1. being in my room without permission & 2. making a mess of my stuff and then stealing it or she would be punished until she did admit. She finally did and still said it was "just because".. I don't know what to do to make her stop.. or to trust her again. I am afraid she will end up taking something more valuable than makeup or my daughters toys, like jewelery or some of my daughters small electronics..her ipod, iphone, mp3 player, etc. When my stepdaughters come over I have to go threw the whole house- find any toys or electronics or anything of mine or my daughters that my stepdaughter might see and want to take & hide it & I don't like that I have to hide my own things in my own home to keep a kid from stealing them. After this situation with her stealing the makeup I took her nintendo ds and said I will just keep this until you understand what it feels like for someone else to have something of yours that does not belong to them.. but I don't know if that was the right thing to do.. How can I make her understand stealing is wrong and that just because she sees something and likes/wants it does not mean she can take it.. and more importantly how do I keep from resenting her for stealing from me and my own child. Please help :\
I discussed with her and she understands that what she did was wrong.. still no reasoning to why she did it. Just that she wanted the items & didn't want to ask because she said she didn't want to hear no that she can't have them so she just took them, she said she can't help it, it's just kind of an urge she gets. I appreciate the comments from non judgmental mothers.. not so much the ones saying SHES FIVE,SHES FIVE.. yes, when you are 5, almost 6, you know that taking something from someone is wrong.. sneaking and doing it when no one is looking or is around is wrong.. or you would not sneak to do it.. I found those comments intriguing.. and again, judgmental.. and not really addressing the problem- more or less just shoving it off to 'ohh she's a child, forget it'. & she has the same toys as my daughter does & as her older sister does.. maybe a different color, or a different kind of game or toy, but in general the same, the only thing she doesn't have that the older ones do is a tablet, that's because we've watched her use it & she doesn't grasp it yet.. so no I don't believe it was because my daughter or her sister has 'more' than she does. I do think that yes, maybe her older sister sees something and wants it so she sends her to do it, but I talked to both of them about that too. Also, obviously I know that children from broken homes need a little more love, care, and attention than children who's biologicthal parents are together.. that's kind of a given I thought?? & also, maybe resent was the wrong word, but yes, I do feel like she knows what shes doing, shes seen that it hurts me, and yes- it makes me frustrated towards her that she continiues to do it over and over again and again!
Again, thanks to the comments with actual responses to why this maybe happening & not the ones that just pushed it off to "normal childhood behavior" or "she's from a broken home".
Okay I am going to play the Devils advocate here
You said it started when you moved in with their father shortly after you got together. The youngest would of been 1 or 2 when this all started my guess is. Is that it is the older girl doing all of this and the younger one is just taking the blame for it.
You are completely missing the point. No one is saying she doesn't know stealing is wrong, we are all saying she doesn't understand why she keeps doing it anyway.
Young kids usually act out to get attention.
WHERE IS HER FATHER?
I have a feeling those two issues go hand in hand.
After your So What Happened: I feel really sorry for this child. You are SO focused on HER behavior that you aren't willing to even consider that you could possibly be part of the problem. Things won't get better until you actually are willing to start thinking about HER more than yourself.
Original:
I don't get the impression that you understand that this child is only 5 years old. Resenting a 5 year old over something like this just makes you seem very immature.
You really need to read up on child development. Just because she "knows" that she's not supposed to take stuff doesn't mean she understands what stealing is. Stealing is just a word. She doesn't get it yet.
Call and talk to the pediatrician and get advice as to how to proceed with her. Make sure her father is on board as well. This should be a joint effort.
As far as you not liking to have to hide your stuff is concerned, it's akin to babyproofing. Maybe you didn't like that either? Well, that's part of life. You do what is necessary until a child has developed through a stage of life.
I am wondering if this little girl is having a hard time coping with having two families in her life. Perhaps she is missing her daddy since he's living with you. When you think about your "stuff" and resenting her, you need to remember that you "stole" her daddy and your own daughter has him instead of her. She doesn't know how to cope. Taking your things may be the only thing that she can do that gives her any comfort, not that she understands this.
Get some help from a PROFESSIONAL. Make sure you tell the doctor that there are two families involved. And stop resenting a 5 year old! You hold all the cards. She holds NONE.
Wow. She's FIVE. Of course she doesn't understand "why" she's doing it. She needs a lot of guidance, love and support, not to be resented by a grown woman.
Kids from broken homes often act out to get attention, so get used to it, and start seeing yourself as a mentor and a teacher, not a cop.
And where is her dad in all of this? He's also her moral compass (or at least I hope so, since you don't seem up for the task.)
SHE'S ONLY 5.
You need to lighten up on this. She has told you she feels jealous, so you can't blame her. Broken homes often cause dysfunction.
I think you need to lock up or hide anything that is really important, and the other stuff doesn't matter. It's just stuff, and your little five year old stepdaughter doesn't need to be made to feel bad about doing things she doesn't even really comprehend her reasons for doing.
I think you need to be very loving about this, and not make her feel bad. First, put your makeup and your tablet somewhere where she can't get it. And then next time she "steals," tell her kindly that it's not nice to take other people's things, and then ask her if she would like you to buy her something of her own.
She's still practically a baby, and you need to treat her like she's your own daughter, and try to at least act like you love her just as much.
My suggestions:
Buy her a few items that are identical to the ones your own daughter has. Yes, she's probably jealous, or feeling left out.
Buy her some play make-up, or do little make-up sessions for her.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for a 5 year old to try to make sense of her world being turned upside down. I doubt she's being malicious, so you need to just realize that growing pains come with the territory of blended families--resentment should have no place here. Fill your heart with so much love and understanding that there's no room for resentment.
Are we to believe that you think a one year old got out of their crib and trashed your bathroom? Then this one year old hid things where only she knew?
I don't believe this question is real.
This child is 5!! FIVE!!
Which means that when she started "stealing" she was 2. She had no idea she was "stealing" she was being 2. Doing what 2 year olds do. My daughter is 3, if I am not careful then she is in her brother's room "stealing" from them and "stealing" from me. Playing with her brother's toys and wearing my makeup.
Now your step daughter is 5...still pretty young. She does know the difference between right and wrong, but it's HARD for her! She only sees her dad 2 times a month. That's nothing! Can you imagine only seeing your daughter 4 days of the month? I can't.
I hide things in my house from my daughter and I lock my son's door.
I am pretty saddened to see that you are resenting your poor step daughter. You married their dad, which means those girls come along as a part of his family.
Your step daughter is 5, please remember that.
L.
EDIT - (SINCE I OBVIOUSLY MISUNDERSTOOD YOU AND DIDN'T REALISE THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THE WAY *YOU* WANTED ME TO)
You are absolutely right. What a horrible rotten child your step daughter is. I think you should call the police!! She's STEALING from you!! How dare she? She obviously doesn't want to behave herself and just has absolutely NO respect for you, so you should call in the authorities. Just because she's young, from a divorced home, and barely sees her father, doesn't give her the RIGHT to steal things from you. The nerve.
I hate to say it, but locks on the doors may be an option...or one of those door bell chimes that stores have. You know, the ones that go off when the door is opened.
I can see the make-up, it's cool. I was forever getting into my sister's when I was younger. She's 9 years older, finally my mom bought me some "play" make-up and my sister gave me make-up lessons. That cured me.
Unfortunately the things of the older girls is always going to be tempting and I'm not sure if you can "level" everything since it's silly to give a 5yo an ipod. Maybe she can buy time on/with them for good behavior or chore rewards. She's in Kindergarten? Maybe good days get her time on the electronics of her choice?
I also pick up on your use of "my step-daughter(s)" vs. "my own daughter". I'm not sure how your family structure is, but it struck me as odd and if a complete stranger picked up on it, you youngest maybe acting out because she is feeling it too. I have a step-sister, but I never referred to her as that, she was just my sister. My parents never used "step" either. You may need to iron this out with your kids and husband and whomever else is in your kid's life (my sister's mother was not in the picture).
That said, she is 5, very little impulse control. "Not yours, Don't touch." was a very common sentence in my house while my daughter was that age. We even watched Beauty and the Beast, the scene when she sees the rose had my then 4-5 yo chanting "Not yours, don't touch!"
she sounds troubled.
also, if your timeline is accurate, she started 'stealing' when she was only a year old.
rather than focusing on finding a punishment that will hit her where it hurts, i'd be trying to figure out what is causing such behavior. there are some massive insecurities in this little girl's life.
khairete
S.
Hugs to you! Being a step parent is tough work but with some patience, love and prayer-you can do this. I'm sure no one telling you that blended family children have a hard enough time getting alone, so I say go to the child. Take her out, just you and her. Maybe do like a lunch or ice cream day. Sit her down and tell her that you love her and how special she is to you. Tell her that you understand how hard it is for her-and mean it. Give her hugs and reassurance. Tell her how sad it makes you when you can't find your stuff and that it takes away from the fun times you all could be sharing. Try not to "single her out" or flat out confront her. I personally think that's counterproductive. Ask her to tell you what's bothering her and how you can help smooth things. Perhaps she wants a play bag of makeup? Are there some things of yours you don't like or use that you could put in a bag just for her? If not, inbox me and I will send you a makeup bag. I have tons lying around! :) Finally address the rules of the house and the limits of not letting the girls in your room. Make sure the same rules apply to all the girls-even your own daughter. Let them know that you will not tolerate dishonesty or not respecting each other's property. Ask the girls to give suggestions for punishment and let them agree on them if the rules are broken. Hang in there and do your best to hide your frustration. Finally if all else fails, talk to mom. Good luck!
Your daughter is 9 and has an iPod, iPhone, and an mp3? You need to evaluate your family approach. I would be jealous too!
Dad should be involved with punishment, because kids should learn not to steal. However, the fact that your asking how not to resent a child-???
Are the tablet, iPod, iPhone etc things that the whole family can use?
For instance we allow screen time and the kids can choose from different devices (including my phone). The step kids understand that they can not take these things to their moms house, but they are not jealous because they get ample (equal) time to use them here.
I had a lot of issues with stealing in the past, and distructive behavior. It all cleared up when we were awarded full custody. And when visitation with mom resumed-it resurfaced. So, they went back to counseling.
Sad situation. :(
Maybe she wants attention or more time with you?
Having her lose toys or privileges is a good place to start. I would also consider putting locks on your and your daughters bedroom doors so you can have a little piece of mind when she is there visiting. Has her father talked with her mother about the behavior to see if it is an issue at home or just at your house? Because it could be a reaction to you and your daughter getting her father full time while she does not, so she is acting out against you both. I would consider counseling to help her deal with her family situation.
Again, she is 5! She started stealing from you when she was 1 or 2? She wasn't stealing, she was playing with your stuff. There is so much going on in this post. Where is her father and mother? Have you discussed this with them?
I think you need to realize that she is visiting her dad. Your daughter lives with her dad. I'm sure she is jealous. Maybe in her mind you and your daughter are stealing her father. You need to look deeper into this than "oh my step daughter is stealing from my daughter and me". There is more to this and as the adult you and her dad need to help her understand why she is behaving his way.
The 5 year old is the one doing this? Not the older girl then she's blaming it on the younger one?
A 5 year old is still developing those filters and boundaries that will eventually keep them out of other peoples stuff.
I suggest either you and mom have a discussion about this and ask her how she'd handle it, if they do it at home, if they play in makeup at home, if they even have their own stuff at home for dress up, and what she has found that works.
Being a blended family can sometimes be very stressful. I'm glad my ex's wife and I are friends. We went to high school together but I never even spoke to her.
If you are comfortable talking to her mom then ask hubby to do it for you. To find out what happens at home.
I imagine they get into mom's makeup at home and it's not big deal.
Stealing is not your biggest issue! Divorce, moms house/dads house, flip flopping weekends, etc. sucks for a kid! Parents think the kids are handling it well/not bothered by it...bull! This is proof--she is screaming for help! Have you tried talking to her about what's going on--not the stealing part, but why she's stealing? Does she feel like your house is her house too or does she always feel like a visitor/outsider? Counseling?
make the child pay for everything they have stolen and or destroyed. she is not going to learn to keep her hands off other people things without some serious "motivation" ,every time she takes something that doesnt belong to her, tell her, gee, its too bad you took my makeup out of my bag and made a mess, that will be ..lets see, five dollars for the lipstick,twenty dollars for the mascara and foundation and another 25 dollars for the 2 hours if took me to scrub the mess off the sink, counter top and tile...thats 50 dollars, why, thats exactly how much your busch gardens season pass is..guess you wont be going to busch gardens, huh?!oh, you didnt mean to? well, isnt that nice. you are going to miss out on busch gardens anyway..maybe next year.bottom line, the kid is stealing things from you and your daughter because she feels entitled to do it..make her pay for it and refuse to take her anywhere until she does..that will "motivate" her. K. h.
