My 15 Year Old Daughter Wants to Come Home

Yes, bring her home. I would do it now since they are on break so she can go back to her old school next week.

I went through something very similar (but my daughter was 13/14). She made it about 5 months. We agreed she would stay the school year in the beginning, but she just couldn't do it. She was so depressed I finally just went and got her. Her dad was mad for about 3 months and then got over it. The one thing that I did tell my daughter was that we were NEVER going to play this game again. There was not going to be any "I don't like you this week, I'm going to live with dad" and then I have to go and get her 2 months later. And that wasn't how she ended up there the first time - it was more "the grass is greener at my dad's house" - no big fight or anything before she moved there.

She never ever asked to live at her dad's house again. She went back to the old visitation (one or two weekends a month - longer at holidays) after her dad was done being pissed off. I know in my heart I did the right thing going to get her.

As far as just "flying her home" - having her deal with her dad on her own might be a bit much for a 15 yr old. You might need to go and get her.

Good luck!

Please get a custodial agreement.
Start there. It's frustrating that her father isn't letting her come home, but there isn't really a way to make that happen at the moment that isn't going to cause more distress for your daughter. I think you need to start with getting a lawyer.

Go see an attorney. If there is no custody/visitation order in place (what? For 15 years neither of you ever pursued legitimizing this child?) you need to get one. Where you file for it has to be determined... you said "fly" home.... is she living with Dad in another state? You will likely have to file in THAT state for custody.
But at 15, she is going to get a say in where she wants to live, and I doubt the court would not follow her wishes... but there will also be future visitation ordered. And child support. So dear daddy is not going to be happy about any of it and will fight you every step of the way, I'm sure.

Talk to an attorney. You are going to need one.

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Just noticed you said she's been there 4 months. You might be able to act in your home state, if you act immediately. Typically, the child's residency determines which court/state has jurisdiction, and that residency is determined by where the child has lived for the last 6 months. When 6 months are up, you may have to go to the courts in his home state. Talk to a local attorney, but act now. Don't delay.

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After your SWH addition:
I don't follow, or rather, it makes no sense to me. He started paying child support when he started visiting her regularly when she was age 10-11? Why were the courts involved then if you just sent the money back, why did you ask for it? Were you a recipient of state benefits?
Changing schools mid-year is something you should discuss with her dad, and with her. At 15 she's what.. in 10th grade, right? Is she in between semesters in her current location? Or does she need to finish up another few weeks before she'll receive credit for this past semester? Teens don't always look at the bigger picture. Maybe her dad is doing that on her behalf, like a good father. What I don't understand is if you have such an easy going relationship with him for all these years, why do you think he suddenly has changed? Have you not discussed any of this with him directly? It sounds almost like you sent her there and haven't spoken to him at all, just your daughter. I don't get that. I mean, if you always had a contentious relationship in the past, I can see limiting contact to only what was necessary to effectuate visits and keep a relationship with his daughter viable, but if not contentious and you are trying to be good co-parents, then why do you not have more information/understanding about why he isn't sending her home when she wants to go home?

If there is nothing legally binding, I would just go get her and bring her home. Maybe consult with an attorney first, just in case.

If I were 15, I wouldn't want to tell my dad I didn't want to be there either. If you think she should be able to weather that, I think you have unrealistic expectations.

I agree with others about you going to her. Even if you are going to make her "honor" her word of living there a year. By going to her you can see for yourself what's going on and decide with adult eyes what's in her best interest.

Personally I think no 15 year old needs to be able to make the choice of where to live. That's why they have parents to determine what's best. I don't say that as an insult. I have a step daughter who did the same type thing. She moved back with her mom and things went south. She dropped out of school, has had issues with the law and basically ruined her life. We had expectations and made her accountable for her decisions while her mom told her constantly we were mean and she wouldn't have rules there. What 15 year old wouldn't jump at the chance for "freedom".

You can't see what's going on from a distance. While I understand there was a verbal agreement about where she would live, if it's detrimental to her, it does not need to drag on. I understand the seriousness of her not being able to flip households when she feels she might have a better life at another place. I would be having a very serious and blunt conversation about that so she'd know you won't play that game. If she's as miserable as you think, going to her will demonstrate you're putting her well being first and will take care of her.

You need a lawyer really quickly to help you with this. If indeed the poster who says that 6 months is a legal benchmark, you can't afford to wait.

It seems to me that your ex has decided that he likes keeping the child support and that he wants to control both you and your daughter.

Please don't wait. Get some legal advice. You really need to have your ducks in a row.

He has shown you his hand plenty by using grades as an excuse why she cannot see her mother. That has to stop.

Your 15 wanted to go live with her dad because she had this fantasy idea of what her relationship with her dad would be like. But in reality she was going to live with a stranger (regardless of what he is like, a good man, and bad guy, whatever - he is a stranger). And at age 15 that kind of a change is a huge deal. I've seen kids in great, solid families go into a tailspin when the family moved due to a job change and the teen had to adjust to a new school, etc. 15 is a really tough age in the best of situations.
I would definitely get her home. However you have to do it get her home so she can get back to her normal life. At age 15 she wants and need stability, family wise, socially, school wise, etc. Help her get that mom.

i'm still trying to scrape my jaw off the floor that you just sent her off with no legal agreement of any kind, and that you haven't done anything about it even with her being held against her will over the holidays.
don't you think it might be past time to consult an actual lawyer instead of strangers on the internet?
khairete
S.

My advice is talk to true friends or family members about this situation. While I was reading your post it reminded me that years ago when I was going through a dilema with my child wanting to visit her other family I was given advice on this board that totally messed everything up. I was told to give her the choice to decide if she wanted to go or not and to be the parent that could show her how reasonable I could be to accomadate her request. I did that feeling like I did something great and she came back with a plan to get me upset so she could say I'm going to live with dad. I mumbled go ahead and she went left the house and he never brought her back. For her sake I didn't cause a huge stink even though I should have. It was her last year as a child and I thought a year with the other parent could maybe be good for her. She still thinks I don't care because I didn't fight for her,but I wanted her to see what she was choosing. I believe she wanted to come back but was encouraged to stay where she was unhappy. Lies were told about me to make her think I was someone I was not and I believe that is why she didn't come back. We are mending our relationship now after many years and she knows I am always here for her and always have been. It has been her friends that lead me to what has been going on from the other side. Bad mouthing and lies to this day (even to them) all because I left her father to find happiness. Good luck. Do what you feel is right.

How can you fly her home if he is the one who would be taking her to the airport, yet refuses to let her go?

There does seem to be more to the story and we don't know it.

I am seeing both sides. Going to court to get legal custody would be helpful. The negative is it is expensive and time consuming and your daughter is already 15.

Sounds like it is time for you to go get her and bring her home. It sucks that you have to make the trip but since he is not being cooperative I would not count on him getting her to a flight, so leave the baby with your husband and fly to her and bring her home ASAP. I would consider consulting with a lawyer just to be sure all your ducks are in a row in case he makes things difficult.

sounds like maybe you should go there, have a face to face with the dad and daughter all there with you. then the 3 of you can decide on whats best for the daughter and then follow thu with it.

Hmm.
Come home to visit or come home for good?
I'm getting a vibe that there's more going on and I can't make a good recommendation as to what to do without more info.
With the info I have to go on - if she wanted to live with her father for a year, I'd let her do that - and then when the year is up she can move home.
Is she figuring out the 'good time dad' she saw on vacations isn't what it's cracked up to be on a day to day basis?
Is she playing both sides against the middle?
What was going on over the summer that she wanted to leave you and what's going on over there now that she wants to come back?
What does all this moving around do for her schooling?
I'm not one for having a revolving door on my house.
She'll be going off to college in a few years.
Skype with her or talk on the phone and figure out what's going on.

Hi A.,

with all due respect, I don't understand your question. If she's refusing to come home for the holidays then how is it that she's dying to come home? What does your ex say about it? You say there's no custody agreement but you must still have to coparent with him to some degree.

With my apologies, I'll say your post begs more questions and I'm not sure how to advise you. What I can do is send you some thoughts and hope that everything works out for the best. best of luck to you all. :-) S.