Moms with Teenage Girls

I'm going through that with my son. I try to keep my sense of humor with him. I talk to others who have kids that age and are going through this as well. My favorite saying in my mind is "this is why some animals eat their young". Seriously, I do not let him get away with talking nasty to me. I very firmly say "you will not talk to me in that manner" and I leave the room. Drives him nuts! Good luck! Remember, they will MOVE OUT!!

Read "Have a new kid by Friday" and then use the strategies, stick to them, be consistent - they work. Good luck.

Prayer and patience. Set clearly defined limits for what is and is not acceptable. Find consequences that specifically hit home. If she likes long showers, give her a time limit as a consequence. If she doesn't abide to it, turn off your water. Follow through. You only have 18 years to turn her into a responsible adult, so don't ground her for half of it. She needs opportunities to learn from mistakes. Don't ground for more than a day or two at a time. Remember that it's normal for her to push your buttons. Also remember that in a year or two, she'll probably become one of your best friends. (every bit of this came from a class I attended awhile back.. I knew I'd need it someday so it's seared into my brain. Hope something in here is useful...)

Been there and have the Tshirt, Lady! Prayers to you. I had trouble with my teen age daughter years ago. Everything was a trauma with her and she only had brothers. She had (and still does have) PMS really bad, so I knew that was when we usually had our arguments. Not sure if it is still available, but Teen Midol was a BIG help and I found Extra Strength Midol for me. She had raging hormones, so did I and it was a ticking time bomb us both, but this helped. My poor hubby bore the brunt of both of us! He finally learned to "look at the calendar for red circles and back off".

Set specific guidelines for her and stick to them regardless of "whatever so and so is doing". Not everyone needs a cell phone, computer or a car at 16. I had better luck by having her girl friends over for weekend sleepovers. I knew who they were, where they were and what they were doing. I rented movies for them, bought pizzas and sodas and they watched movies all night on my den floor in sleeping bags. I made the extra effort to meet all her friends and stay involved in her life since we lived in a rural community with nothing to do. As I met her friends- boys and girls alike, some I told her were NOT welcome and I did not want her associating with them again. It helps if you can meet the parents, too. Raising good, well mannered kids nowdays is hard and especially hard keeping them "focused on education and college", when many of the girls can't to wait "get pregnant and get their free Section 8 apartment". Little do they know most of them are doomed to poverty by doing this.

Now, my adult daughter, who is now a colleged educated, licensed, State police officer, and is best friend. She is married and expecting her second baby. She thanked her Dad and I many times for keeping her head on straight about who your friends are AND starting and finishing college is a MUST. Many of her high school girlfriends had kids and got married and did not go to college and are stuck in a low paying job, whereas she is not. She realizes now there IS life after high school (you will probably not have anything to do with your high school girlfriends), whoever you dated in high school is in the "H(istory)" column and getting an education is the BEST gift you can give yourself.

Alot of love & patience! I went through this with my twin girls, it started about age 15 1/2. I think most moms do.
Teens think they "know it all" we parents don't know anything. Try not to argue with her, it only makes it worse. My girls turned 18 last month & that phase is gone & we get along well. I think it would have came sooner if I had not argued & just stuck to whatever I said.
My aunt is a physiological social worker & her advise to me was, put the focus on me when in a discussion not on them. Example.... I do not think you need to do that & I am not going to allow it. Not YOU know you shouldn't do that. So keep the focus on you as the parent & not her & her attitude.
Try not to make accusations, try not to belittle. Its hard, believe me, they can make you want to grab them up & shake some sense into them! I would suggest that you spend one on one time with her. A lunch, movie, walk around the mall, something she would enjoy,(even though she may not want too go) you need try & keep a door of communication open even it it feels it's just a crack in the door. Its a crack with an opening for a friendship with your sour daughter. It is a tough road for a parent to travel, but there will come an end to the road, it may take a few years & many tears, but it will pass. You just have to stand your ground with as much patience as you can & show lot of love, It pays off!!
Best Wishes!

Well as for me with mine it is patience, lots of talking and communication and control. I try to remember that these are tough years on kids. I also don't want her to walk all over me and think it's okay to give attitude.

My daughter turned 16 in June and is now driving. She seems to have actually grown up over the last year. She does at times give me attitude, but I quickly tell her that is not going to get you anywhere with me acting like that.

I really think at times that MOST teenagers enjoy doing this. I just try and tell her if you want respect, you have to give respect, if you want trust you have to earn trust... the same with most things in life... setting an example of how to act or react to things , might help with some of the attitude. Some teenagers feel as though we will give attitude back or yell or react in a negative way. Stay tough and just keep lines of comunication open.

good luck,

I have a 15 year old that I am going through the SAME thing with.
I have a jar with her name on it with 20 1 dollar bills in it and one empty jar with my name and my husbands name on it. Every time she gives either me or my husband attitude, 1 dollar bill goes into our jar. We put one dollar back for 1 day of good behavior. At the end of the week, she gets what is left in the jar. It is really just a bribe to get her to be nice, not roll her eyes, get the hands off the hips, control the attitude replies and comments. This has been working beautifully because she is going through driving school and is trying to save money. I already told her that we are NOT going to buy her a new car without her making an effort to help out. She does work for me so she makes money. I told her we will double how ever much money she saves towards a car.
FYI..we did this for all of our kids at the younger ages with quarters...everyone loves money!!
Being out $30-40 a week is better than the price of high blood pressure ;)
Good luck, I feel your pain. If you find something that works, let all of us moms of teens in on it.

This may sound cliche' but you need to remain firm in your convictions and love, love, love her. This too shall pass!

First: You thank God for a normal child.

Second: Try to find some common ground with her. I got some great advise from a mom's who had been there. She said "If you loved that child like you did when you brought her home from the hospital and when she was young, you would never be able to let her go out into the world and grow to be the person you have raised her to become. This is a necessary step for you and her to become independent, you have to get to where you will allow her to grow up. It is not easy and I raised 2 teenage daughters 2 years apart, there were days I couldn't wait for them to leave home so we would have some sanity in the house.

Third: Another mom said "You need to spend some one on one time with her." Even if she is creating so much havoc in your life, she is the last person you want to spend time with, do it anyway. Take her out to eat at a restaurant or to the movies. Just you and her, it will make her feel special and things will get marginally better.

Hope this helps.

I like what Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. says. He says something like... God makes them teenagers so that it is easier for you to let them leave home and go on to college...

I agree with what the moms are saying. If you have ever had PMS, that is what being a teenager is like. Sometimes they just cannot help it. This does not give them a pass for their attitudes, but it allows you to help them get it back together.

The mom that said turn it around to "me", instead of the teenager was right on. You can say things like..."It hurts my feelings when you speak to me that way." "I am surprised that I am such a disappointment." " I am doing my best to understand." " I am confused, could you explain that comment to me?"

I remember our daughter who is very bright would say things with a certain tone in her voice like disgust. I would just turn and look at her with a stare that said. "I know you are not rolling those eyes at me." Boy she knew to back off.

Many times they are so frustrated with their own friends, they feel comfortable letting it out on family. Many times she was actually upset rather than angry.. I would try to turn these times into a talking time.. Asking what did she think was really the problem. I would always remind my daughter. "I will always love you no matter what, but that does not mean I will can not be hurt or disappointed in you sometimes."

Remember this is their job to question everything "the establishment" says!!
But you can teach her to do it with respect and not allow her to talk to you or any adult in certain tones w/o consequences. If the tone/attitude comes in while receiving consequences, double it.
Use the word consequence-not punishment.
Remind her when she gets a job if she acts like that, she will be fired. Getting a parttime job can be a real eye opener!!
My daughter is 17 and we talk constantly about why she has to adhere to certain things we say. Mainly-while out-call us every 3-4 hours and let us know where she is!!
Good luck!

Hi J.,
I have a couple of suggestions...I raised two teenage girls (they are now 22 and 25...living away from home).
Often family members disconnect or act sour when they themselves feel "dishonered" somehow. Whether real or misperceived on their part...if you can listen to them and find out the root of why they are angry....perhaps it can be healed with communication and if necessary, apologies. Listening to others, whether right or wrong, communicates that we value their feelings and opinions.
Another one is to model respectful communication and behavior. This can be hard when they are acting disrespectful or sour, but works. Even if you have to confront the behavior with correction, if you can remain calm and respectful it will change the atmosphere.
I learned these things after doing it the wrong way, getting sarcastic myself when they had attitudes...
Another great thing is when they move out of the house on their own your relationship will most likely improve....less pressure on a daily basis!
Last, but not least, Love never fails...take the opportunity to communicate love when the attitude is not sour.....this phase will pass....
Best of wishes and blessings!
D.

Pray. A lot!

I pray a lot for patience for me and my husband. We have 3 teen age boys. They get sour attitudes, too, and they also think they know everything.

We draw the line at verbally trashing others or being disrespectful to us. We send them to their room when they get real surly and can't have enough self-control to correct it on their own. We tell them "no one wants to be near someone who acts like this....you should go be by yourself for a while." When they are disrespectful or rude to us, we give extra chores: mowing the lawn, vacuuming, washing the car.... Sometimes something physical helps give them another focus and they do seem to feel better after accomplishing something.

Another thing we are trying to change is the complete and total focus on "me." I this, or for me, me that....
that's tough, also. Friends of mine with grown kids have assured me that it does get better and your kids do become lovable again, after all this teen stuff.

You bite your lip and ignore it - this too shall pass. Just don't let her get disrespectful.

It is really hard, but try not to take the attitude as a personal attack. I have noticed a pattern with my daughter...when she is feeling emotional, she gives me attitude...I think it keeps her from bottling up all that emotion. Teenagers are so confused...they think they are all grown up, but at the same time they feel like little kids too.

I try to look at it through eyes of love and know that she must trust and feel safe with me to be able to let it all out in my presence. Just make sure that you set boundries on how she lets off steam...there is no excuse for a child disrespecting their mother. Definitely give her consequences for unacceptable behaivor and stick to them...then she will know that you mean business.

Spending "girl" time with her every once in a while helps too. They act all grown up so we forget that although they will never admit it, sometimes they still want "Mommy" all to themselves. :-)

Good luck!

Don't let her behavior control yours. You can still be supportive, caring, and positive despite her behavior. She will get through this time and appreciate your stability.

As a mother of four, I had to deal with this for all my kids, boys and girls. I think every mother goes through it. Quality time and a little undersatnding goes along way. I would also just walk away when they would start carrying on. It is amasing how walking away gets there attention. After awhile they get the hint.

is she involved with a youth group through your church or school? if not, seek one out - they are very good at working with kids who might not have the respect they should with their parents.

you might also take a hard look at her friends and see who she's hanging out with that has a similar attitude - a lot of time teens will copy what they see in all aspects.

if she is on facebook or myspace - get your own account and monitor her page. i just read an excellent article in good housekeeping regarding this very subject.

good luck - i've got a 9yo that is trying very hard to assert her independence....