Hello. I am the mother of a 12 year old girl and a 5 month old boy. My baby is cake compared to the "tweener" stuff my daughter shells out every day! My biggest concern with her is how often her "best friends" change. It seems she has very few lasting friendships and when I inquired about the previous friendship, I learn about some "drama" and of course my daughter is "never" at fault. I cannot relate to this as my high school friends went to nursery school with me and we are still great friends! Even the relationships I have now are strong and steady. So, I am confused as to why my daughter has trouble and really have no idea what I should be doing to help her through these awkward years! Several moms have told me its normal for the age and not to worry, but its hard not to worry and I want to teach my daughter how to be a good, trustworthy, and genuine person. Have any of you gone through this stage and if so how did you survive it!
D., I can totally relate. I too have a tween and a "baby", 13 and almost 3. What your daughter is doing is totally normal. At that age they changes friends (and boyfriends) like they change clothes!! LOL I am dealing with this as well. As to how to get through these next few years...."smile and nod" LOL. Just take deep breaths and this too shall pass.
R.
I totally agree with the post below, she should have friends outside of school. My neice is 14 and goes to an all girls school so you can only imagine all the drama there! But she has afterschool activities that she attends, has played basketball for the same team since 3rd grade and that's where most of her true friendships are. Though I do have to say that the ongoing friends are few and far between, but again it is that stage of life where nothing is ever your fault (in their eyes) and everyone around them has issues (my neice says it all the time). We encourage my neice all the time to look at things from other peoples point of view, I even tell my 6 year old that, and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I would definitly try to get her involved in activities outside of school though. Good luck!
Dear D., Yes, I've been through it twice; my daughters are 20 & 24; you all will survive, but it can be rough. Try to be patient, be a good listener, hold your tongue and only offer advice if you REALLY feel strongly about a particular issue. The girl drama is "normal" these days. I would also encourage your daughter to be involved in activites outside of school. My daughters found friends outside of school that they could just be themselves with - church, horseback riding, dance, etc. I would also suggest reading all the parenting books you can get your hands on. One good one is "Reviving Ophelia." Good luck!
N. B.
Don't worry too much about it. Middle school girls change alliances all the time. The best friend this week is personna non grata next week. The groups morph and change all the time, too. Worrying about every incident will drive you crazy.
My stepdaughter had a falling out with her best friend in 5th grade (no one knows why, really) and by 6th they were inseparable again. Some friendships will be steady, some will come and go, and some will be so transient that you'll barely notice they're gone. I'd only be concerned if she talks about being bullied (or bullying others) or if other serious issues come up. Occasionally we have talked to our now 13 yr old about being a good friend and that she should be civil to people, even if she doesn't like them, but mostly we stay out of it unless she comes to us about a problem. It doesn't seem to help when we try to intervene on normal middle school girl drama. Hang in there!
I don't have any great pearls of wisdom here, but a good book on the subject of pre-adolescent/teen girls and friendships is "Odd Girl Out" by..oh, I forget the name, but just search under that title. It deals with the whole "wanting to be popular" thing and the subtle nature of female bullying (at least in our culture). I was always a dweeb and never have a prayer of being popular, so I never tried and hence could not relate to some of what was in the book, but my 11 yr old daughter worries about her friendships a lot. It's a thought-provoking book.--T.
Helllo! I was a teenager just like your daughter. I would often spend summers hanging out with my mom so when I'd return to school in the fall my friendships would change depending on the activities I was involved in, etc. I must say that I feel being friends with many different people has benifited me in life. I am now 37, married and expecting my first child. I have worked with many at-risk girls as a social worker and have seen the variety of looks friendships amongst girls can look like. There will be friends in your daughter's life that will stick with her over time and distance. I don't hang out with anyone from before college and the closest friends I have are the ones I've met post-college. Maybe too, that is when I really began to find out who I was so the people I chose as friends better fit me than before. This type of behavior most likely will lead to your daughter having a stronger self-esteem of not needing to always have a friend or someone with her and hopefully for her to experience lots of personalities in those she is around.
Hello D.. I understand what you're going through, I'm going through it also with my 13 year old daughter. And you're right, it is hard not to worry; but as I'm seeing day by day, all we can do is keep trying to teach them how to be good, trustworthy, and genuine people. When I ask my daughter about her friendships and why she doesn't talk to them anymore, she just says, "they're boring" or she just don't want any friends. I'm confused, too.
Yes this is completely normal behavior. Just because u have had lasting relationships and still do, does not mean ur daughter will be the same. Her personalitlity is different then urs and that is ok. If she is ok with this, than support her and be ok with it. Girls r girls and there will be drama no matter what the situation is, whether she has lasting friends or not. Maybe she dont want to get close to people. How close r u and ur daughter? Do u sit down and talk to her weekly about things? Is she comfortable talking to u about her feelings? Maybe the fact u have a baby in the house now she feels u don't made time for her and she is acting out. Who knows? I dont know what the situation in ur home is. But if u really want to get down to what is going on u need to sit and talk with her and see what is going on. If she is really ok with on and off friends. Even if she has one friend she remains friends with than it is ok. Not all of us keeps lasting friends. Some people like or love high school and some dont. It is all the individual. this is her high school years and being supportive means alot to r teens. They may not say it or tell u. But talking with them and staying up with wat is going on in their life means alot. Yes, thats means hearing the lastest drama going on. Just give her the best advice u know how and love her and tell her she is important and make sure u get that one on one time with her. Even if it is at the end of ur day and ur tired. It will be well worth it.
