My husband and I have noticed over the past couple of month's that our sixteen year old daughter has been gaining a lot of weight, not even thinking about the possibility of it being contributed to birth control. Then someone let it slip that she was on birth control. My husband asked her and sure enough she is and she admitted to being sexually active. My husband, surprisingly enough, was calm whenever she told him because he wants her to feel comfortable talking to us and him about things that are going on in her life. Come to find out, her mother knew that she was on birth control and that she was sexually active and failed to tell my husband almost a year and a half later we find out! Our daughter told my husband that she has only had sex one time and hasn't done it since, do we believe her? How do I help my husband cope with the fact that his "baby girl" is having sex? She is my step-daughter and I am not quite sure how to help him through this...some advice would be wonderful~
I would like to thank everyone for their responses. There are a few things that I didn't agree with and some I did. I am a very involved STEP-parent with the approval and appreciation from the biological parents. This child has 4 parents that love her very much and all of us take an active role in her life, not one of us just stand on the sidelines and let the biological parents handle issues themselves.
I would also like to suggest the book "Hooked"...which talks about the dangers of "hooking up" outside of STDs and pregnancy...
http://hookedthebook.com/about.html
On a personal note, I am so sorry you are having to go through this!!
I believe 16 is totally normal to feel the hormones come in and take control. I agree with your husband being calm in this matter because having sex is a natural human thing to do and she is being responsible. There is nothing wrong with sex and it would be good to not make her feel guilty about it. Hopefully she sees how much work it is to have babies from watching her older sisters.
I'd try to educate her to use a condom even though she is on the pill to avoid any sexually transmitted diseases.
I would try to explain what it can emotionally mean having sex without some type of commitment from the relationship.
I'd drop the anxiety/anger with her mom, I'm sure her mom thought it was her daughters choice to let dad know.
If you are close with her, I'd suggest confiding in the first time you had sex and what it meant to you. Whether you were happy with the choice you made or learned any lessons around it.
Unfortunately, it is perfectly normal for a 16 yr old girl to be sexually active these days. It's wonderful that she and her mother took the responsibility to get her on birth control. My suggestion would be to make sure she has gotten the HPV vaccine. Push those condoms too! She may not be comfortable talking about these topics with you and your husband, so make sure to provide her with objective and factual reading material about the dangers associated with sexual activity. On a personal note, I was also sexually active at 16. I didn't tell my parents, but I got on the pill, never contracted a sexually transmitted disease, never had an unintended pregnancy scare, and never turned into one of the girls from Sex in the City. I've been with my husband for 14 yrs and had my first child at 30 (not due to fertility issues, just due to preference). With education and guidance, she can make responsible choices even if she remains sexually active. Good luck, and try to remain calm.
i think that your husband is handling it well and that youshould just stay out of it. it seems like you are trying to get between him and his child and paossibly angry at the mother and using this to start somethign. if she is on birth control, it is a blessing. last year in my sons small high school they had 19 pregnat girls out of 300 students. at least she had the guts to ask for birth control. i can tell you being on birth control is way better than being pregnant at her age. once they beocme sexually active they dont go back. its going to happen no matter what . what he should do is also talk to her about protection against stds. jsut because she is on the pill or shot desnt mean that she is protected against disease. along the ame line maybe you can talk to her about how maybe you wished you ahd saved yorself for her daddy because he is so special. but if she doenst feel cofortable talking to to you then skip it. she is your step daughter and it should be handled betweeen her andher parents. but if she brings it up , it wouldbe a good opportunity for you to be her sounding off board if you dont freak out about it
I hope someone has told her about STDs and the MANY dangers out there for sexually active people. I hope, also, that they have told her what guys think about someone who is permissive at her age and whether they think she would be a good mother or not. She can stop. And I think that, even though you should be calm about it, she should absolutely know that it is wrong - or at least dangerous. Show her your concern for her welfare, both physical and emotional. Let her know that sex is good and okay under the right circumstances, but this is not it. Good luck!
In your first sentence, you describe this young woman as your daughter, but later clarify that she is in fact your step-daughter. I think this points to some confusion on your part. As a person who has step-parented a couple of teenagers, I truly understand how confusing it can be to decide what is your business, and what is not in your new family. I believe the role of a step-parent is pretty challenging - you are NOT the parent of the child, however, you ARE an important member of the family. In regards to your step-daughter, I think your job is not to provide the parenting as much as it is to SUPPORT the parenting your husband and the girl's mother provide. They seem to be setting a pretty clear tone that their most important priority is to maintain a good relationship with their daughter, and ensure that she feels comfortable sharing information with them. So, accept that this is the priority, and support it. I know it is hard, but do all you can to stay out of this - it is really not your business to decide if your step-daughter is too young for this level of experience, whether or not she should be on birth control, whether her mom was right or wrong to not share that information sooner or whether or not your step-daughter is telling the truth about her sexual experiences thus far. Getting your nose too far into these questions will limit your ability to do your REAL job as a step-parent: establish and maintain a harmonious and friendly relationship with your step-children. When you do this, you strengthen your new family by showing: 1. respect for your husband and his relationship with his children; 2. respect for your step-children and their relationship with their birth parents; and 3. respect for yourself, and your position as a lovely new member of the family who has good things to contribute.
Your husband does not seem upset about any of this, so take your cue from him. You chose to marry this man, and I am sure you picked a good man. Trust him to set the appropriate tone, and be willing to follow his lead. If you cannot set aside your upset, then be honest with yourself about that, and seek some support for yourself outside the family. If the position your husband is taking in regards to you step-daughter is just not acceptable to you, then your problem is with your husband, not with your step-daughter. So, please take care to not inadvertently make her the scapegoat for a marital disagreement. That is the surest way to endanger your marriage, and it will do nothing towards creating a good relationship with your step-daughter. Keep the boundaries straight, and keep yourself well within them, and you will be fine. Hang in there!!!!
i strongly suggest you all read the book
"Exposed " by Dr. Miriam Grossman. it gives so much practical information about the hazards of early sexual activity. Statistically if she is active it is increasing her chances of an STD which in turn decrease her chances of fertility when she needs it..
Good luck,
C. W
www.myhomecottagebiz.com
Supplemental income ideas for families
Be glad your husband was calm and wants his daughter to talk to him - she may be telling the truth about only having done it once - if so, and her mother found out and put her on the pills to keep her from getting pregnant should she do it again, you should all thank her mother for being smart - if on the other hand the mother put her on the pills "just in case" and then she experimented with sex, both mother and daughter need some counseling - I think that it's better to protect a teen from pregnancy if she doesn't respect herself enough to either not get in the sexual situation to begin with, or know how to just say no, than let her make mistakes and find out the hard way what happens when you aren't responsible for yourself - yes, she is still exposed to STDs while on the pills but at least she won't be irresponsibly creating a life she isn't ready or able to support - the best thing to do is talk to her OFTEN about those and other things involved with being sexually active - matter of factly - like adults to another adult - treat her with respect and let her know you want the best for her - for her own sake - educate her that diseases are nasty and can be very harmful - even permanently - ask her why does she want to have sex - and listen to her - she needs to be taught the facts as well as the moral aspects - and that self-respect means she has the right to choose who, when, where and why as well as the right to choose to say no - good luck!
It sounds like your husband is handling it pretty well. It is good she is on birth control if she is having sex. Just be there for her and give her the things she needs to stay healthy and not get pregnant.
If my daughter started having sex before she was married, I'd ask her why she stopped respecting herself because her boyfriend sure doesn't respect her. If she had more respect for herself, she would demand to be treated better than someone who would give sex so freely at the expense of STDs, pregnancy, etc. which are so common out there and impossible to avoid 100%. It is not worth it. If she says she has only had sex once, then she probably has figured out that it has not made her feel better about herself or her relationship. Now she probably sees her boyfriend for what he really is. And she knows that she gave him a lot more than he deserved. Now her ties to him are going to be so strong that it will be hard to break up. Then when she does, it will tear her apart since she gave him all of herself. Does your husband compliment her and hug and kiss her? If not, I'd encourage him to. If she doesn't get that physical affection and compliments from her dad, she will seek it out from one immature and selfish boy after another.
Oh My Dear M.,
You are at the crossroads...a pivotal point in you "soul-daughter's" life. You and your husband should do a "rite of passage" ceremony with her, honoring her transformation from child to woman. Accepting her declaration of greater responsibility and professing your own willingness to see her as a woman, so that she will not have to have a big rebellion.
Call me or email me and I'll send you a copy of my book for free. Read chaps. 19 and 20 first. And hold on my Dear...it's a wild and wonderful ride...as we all know!
XXOO, J. Fendelman
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____@____.com
Your husband's right... stay calm and keep the communication open - but don't pry. Drop judgments and let her know you're there for her. Biologically 16 year olds are ready for sex - a few generations ago women were getting married at 16. Our society keeps pushing "maturity" later and later, based on econmics; and on the other hand cramming sexuality down the throats of children. What's important is where she's at with it... how's her self-esteem? Was her experience with someone she was in love with? or because of feeling she needed to "keep up" in her peer group? or try to gain popularity? Help her build or keep her self-esteem high. Help her identify her gifts so that she doesn't come to see sexual prowess as a gift, or the way she "can shine". Help her remember her sacredness and honor her body and her Self. Treat her with respect so she expects no less from any young man she's involved with. On the practical side... stress to her the importance of using condoms... it really is a life or death decision these days.
It sounds like this was a incredible shock for you. In a perfect world we would all hope that our babies will wait until they were 30 before having sex for the first time. Congrats to dad for not freaking out! Hopefully this will be a starting point for him to build a better relationship with her. Your going to have to believe in her. I don't agree with her decision and at some point she'll regret it...if she doesn't already.
