I have a "soft" son "AA", who is very sweet and kind. However, he cannot stand up for himself and tells me about his mean friend "BB:. I have observed them on playdates and notice that BB tells AA "you better give me your toy otherwise I won't be your friend". Together, they have teased another friend and brought him to tears. There are many incidents that I hear about, and think that BB is unkind. Last week, he hit AA "more than 9 times in the head" because AA accidentally threw a toy and hit him. Instead of telling the teachers what actually happened, AA told them that the bruise on his cheek was from falling down!
I am concerned about my son's reactions and do not think the other child is kind. We used to travel and hang out with the other family, and my son follows BB around like a puppy because he is shy and is so comfortable at school with his family friend. I have been telling my son not to play with BB at all. I am wondering whether this is kind on my part, and whether I am too involved in his life. But also, shouldn't I redirect my son if he is hurt emotionally, and physically?
Wow! This is a tough crowd. Thank you for your comments though. It is the teachers and other parents that say son is kind, especially BB's mom who wants BB to be best friends with him, since many of the other kids in class fight with BB. To be honest, I wish my son was NOT so kind (you need an edge to survive) and weak/cowardly. He does not stand up for himself, is too afraid to stand up for others who are being teased and even joined in teasing a kid one day with BB. The toy he threw was a frisbee, and accidentally hit BB in the face. BB, who calls my son his "best friend", hit him 9 times in the head for that...
We are working on his social skills, a psychologist and karate. I know I am too involved, but shouldn't I, when my son cannot stay away from someone who emotionally and physically hurts him? Especially when he has other "soft" friends that he can play with? When he does try to play with another group of kids, BB tells him "you don't care about me; play with me instead"
I have told my child to stay away from a kid that was repeatedly pushing him down. His mother and I were friends, the girls are good friends still.
I discontinued the friendship with the mother because her drama was causing marital problems for me! (She was divorcing and trying to drag me into divorce with her)
your 'soft' son has a hard row to hoe. he seems to lack much in the social skills department, and his mother steadfastly refuses to empower him.
post after post you want to know what you can do to control the kids your son comes in contact with.
it's weird now and going to become impossible when he hits college age.
if your son is joining in the teasing and brought another child to tears, perhaps he's not so soft, sweet and kind as you fondly imagine.
would it be okay with you if this other child's mother forbade him from playing with AA because of this meanness?
khairete
S.
You don't say where the teasing of the other friend happened, or or where the hitting in the head happened. Did you observe this? How are you hearing about it? If this is happening at school - this should be handled appropriately - and it would follow that the kids would be taking a break from each other (if it was at our school). We would just say "Ok time for a break guys".
I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Whether your kid is shy or not, sometimes two kids are getting up to trouble and you need to teach your kid not to follow along in bad behavior, and the other one needs to learn not to do bad behavior. Your child is just as much to blame in that case - one might be a bully, but your son needs to learn not to go along with it.
As for being hit 9 times and then taking it - well ... he needs to learn to stand up for himself. Teach him to assert himself. I'd talk to the teacher and have the teacher get both boys together, and have the teacher handle it - say she's aware of what happened and have them sort it out.
This is how you handle this kind of stuff.
I think you stepping in and not allowing them to play - sure, I would discourage the friendship and encourage other ones - but when my kids have not so great friends (who take advantage or whatever) - I first try to get my kids to advocate for themselves and be assertive. Teach them those skills. Role play when their friends aren't there etc.
When a mom calls her son "soft" or that he acts "weak/cowardly", I think it tells me that this mom deserves some support, too. While you have your son in therapy, this is a good time to get yourself support, with your own therapist. This will be the help you recognize you need, in deciding how to support your son's growth and when to back off. Please get professional help.
Talk to the teacher/school about separating the two boys. I would do your best working with your son to speak up for himself. I do not know his age, but you should talk to the school and if you feel the parents of BB are willing to be understanding, talk to them. Some parents are in denial and will not see it from your son's perceptive.
Try your best to get your son involved with other children who are respectful.
I'm assuming this is the same son, and perhaps the same friend(s) you have written about since last spring.
It's very hard to see our children hurt and upset. We all get that. But if I understand you correctly, your son threw a toy and hit someone. You say it was an accident, and maybe it was, but how come your child is this age and cannot control his urge to throw toys? Your son also participated with the "problem child" in teasing and bringing another child to tears. Yet you say your child is "soft" and "very sweet" and "kind." You blame the child he follows instead of your own child, as if your child is helpless and blameless, and the other child is the entire problem. Really? You say your child is "shy" and is "so comfortable" around the family friend. Perhaps your son is comfortable because this friend is a willing teammate, not purely the instigator, in engaging in activities like toy-throwing and incessant teasing.
You also say there are "many incidents you hear about" - from whom? From your child? Form an objective teacher or school employee? From another child's parent who may have a bias or a horse in this race? Why are you basing your opinions on hearsay? Why have you decided that your child is a pawn and always a sweetheart? There was an old TV show, "Leave it to Beaver," which featured a character named Eddie Haskell - a kid who always was sweet and polite to the adults and then was a sneaky, rude guy as soon as the parents' backs were turned. He was a teenager whose parents never intervened or looked objectively at the situation when he was 7. Think about that.
You keep writing about what to do, and yet the problem is continuing. I think you have to look at your own starry-eyed view of your child, first of all. If you are working with a child psychologist, that's a good start. Your child may have issues with impulse control and reading social cues, or he may need a much firmer disciplinary style than your "poor shy dear" attitude. I don't know. I do know that this situation is untenable for your son and for the other children around. So I think you ALL (yes, you too) must work with this psychologist. Please stop filling the therapist's head with only your view that your innocent sweet baby is being manipulated, and be open to allowing the therapist to assess things. You'll never get anywhere in counseling if you decide up front what the problem and solution are.
If being with this other family is a bad idea, accept that friendships run their course and stop hanging around so much. If you truly love the parents, go to dinner and a movie but leave each kid with his own sitter. However, if these people are the terrible parents you imply they are, with a cruel child who also leads your child into the valley of evil, then I don't know what you have in common with them. Certainly not basic values. Maybe you should cut ties and refocus.
Otherwise, I think it's wise to let children work out their own friendships, and reap the consequences when they make poor choices. Poor choices include throwing things, hurting others (physically or emotionally), being a bully who teases over and over, and continuing to choose friends who are not a good mix. Your son may need to be disciplined by the school, miss recess, get sent to the principal, and be grounded at home - but that means you have to accept that he is responsible for his actions. It's really okay for kids to pay the price for their poor choices - whether it means being disciplined, feeling peer pressure and shame, having hurt feelings, and missing out on things because they did a bad thing. Please don't be a "lawnmower" parent who tries to mow a clear path for the child, removing all obstacles from their path. Bumps in the road often teach us far more.
ETA: I read your SWH - important details there that would have been SO much more helpful in the original post. So for example, if the toy he threw was a Frisbee, that changes things! A Frisbee is designed to be thrown, so this is more like a kid getting hit with a baseball or football. These things happen. BB hit your son in the head for that? BB is the problem. I'd cut back contact, ask the school to put them in separate classes (which I realize cannot happen until next year), and start play dates with other kids. Your son is afraid of BB yet won't break contact or stand up for self/others because of that fear. That's what you get professional help for.
Is this the same friend your 7 yr old son has been having issues with since May 2018?
Are there any developmental/special needs issues?
Certainly kids sometimes squabble a bit but this almost sounds a bit like toddler behavior.
Friendships should not be this hard and your son should have 4 or 5 friends he plays with.
It's hard to tell if your son's shyness is too much or if this friend is out of control.
If he has a wider circle of friends then dropping one friend who hits too much shouldn't be a problem.
I would not want my kid to play with anyone who was beating my kid up.
Talk about your concerns with your pediatrician and see about getting your son some professional help (a therapist) for his shyness and social development.
The age for play dates will be over in a year or two and your son needs to know how to make friends in his classes and in what ever activities he joins.
Learning some social skills now will make middle school and high school a whole lot easier.
Find out who in the classroom is kind like your son. I would invite over a sweet and kind boy regularly to play with your son. I'd do this with more than one kid....one on one. Set up playdates at home. Invite the other little boy to go do things with your son...cool playground, swimming, to see a movie, whatever. Encourage this friendship. Talk to your son regularly about not playing with BB or any child who is mean to him. That he deserves better than that. Point out in kids movies what mean people do and say versus the kind people. Go over scenarios with him. I remember doing this with my son when he was 6. If so and so says X you say....and go over different things he can do and say. Remind him not to follow around or play with kids who hit you 9 times in the head! Encourage your son to play with the nice kids. Start setting up playdates!! Good luck.
Keep him in Martial Arts, he will learn leadership and confidence. Yes, he needs to stop playing with this boy. This boy is a bully and you need to stand up for your son. Tell the boy he is no longer welcome at your home.
" . . . and whether I am too involved in his life."
Based on this questions and the others you have asked - yes, yes you are WAY TOO INVOLVED IN YOUR CHILD'S SOCIAL LIFE.
Please get involved in a) parenting classes and b) a hobby that doesn't involve your child's social life.
Good luck.
I think that it's ok to tell him not to play with BB. I have told my kids to ignore, or avoid kids that aren't nice. The hard part is your son wants to play with him and you can't control who he plays with at school. Since BB is abusive to your son, I would probably contact the school or teacher about it the next time something happens. I would also ask AA why he wants to play with BB. My guess is either desire to be liked or fear, but not because he enjoys BB. Working on self esteem and being assertive will probably go a long way.
So I think you meant that your son threw a toy at this kid and he expected the kid not to hit back? Wow.
A 7 year old hit my 10 year son with a shovel, and my son hit him back with a rock!
I told his dad good for him, that will teach him to mess with tough and older kids.
This boy was a total cry baby wuss, at 7 years old. He was having melt downs all the time over everything. I told my son and 7 year old daughter to stop playing with him because of his immaturity and drama.
If your son can’t hang with the pack. He needs to find softer and gentler friends.
Definitely he should not be "friends" with a kid who threatens and bullies him, hits him, and then has him join in on his bullying antics toward other kids. He is a bad influence, and your son deserves better than a manipulative bully, who by the way, can drag him into getting suspended or other consequences for assisting in bullying other kids.
