How to Get Used to 50/50 Custody

Be grateful it's 50/50. I had 50/50 with my ex husband for years and then he dropped off the face of the universe when my daughter was in 11th grade. Haven't heard from him since. No one can seem to find him. I doubt he's even in this country. My daughter went through hell. Now she is married and a new mom and happy. You are lucky

As long as you keep thinking "I am mising out on half her life"... you will continue to struggle with this. When my sons first started spending time with their Dad I use to say... isn't it wonderful they are with someone who loves them and I have free time for myself. I would always plan something I liked to do that was difficult to do with the boys around... even if it was as simple as going for a walk in the country, a free local concert, going to a local gym - or sometimes I treated myself to a short three day trip if I didn't have to work. Nothing big or expensive just something I liked doing that was tough to do with the kids around.
S. - A little about me... I'm a divorced mother of two grown sons.

I have to tell you that as an attorney who has done some family law, I am very impressed that you and your husband can get along well enough to make shared custody work. Honestly, I know it is hard for you, but it is so good for your daughter to be able to have a steady influence from her father in her life. Many children of separated parents miss out on so much of one or the other parent's time and attention. You should be very proud of yourself and know that you are giving your daughter the best possible world you can without actually being with the father, which sounds like is not an option. There are certain values and things that only a father can instill in a daughter and every time she leaves you should think about how you are giving her a great gift. When she gets older she will realize the sacrifice that you have made and she will really appreciate it!

Hi A.,
I just wanted to share my story with you. My oldest is now ten, but spends every other weekend with his dad. It was very hard at first. When I met my husband though, we relished the alone time we got on those weekends. That was our date time. We would go away for the weekend, see a movie, hang out alone at home, or have another couple over for dinner... We miss those days now since we have two more children. When Mike and I got married, we went on a honeymoon cruise. I remember vividly how I cried three days into the trip because I missed my son so much. Of course we had a wonderful time, but it is hard to not see them for a few days. Especially when they are so young. Now that Aaron is older it is great to see how good a relationship he has with his dad! Of course he is only gone every other weekend, but I do miss him still. I think what helped the most was knowing how much his dad loves him, and knowing how important their time together was/is. You just need to make the best of your situation. See the glass as half full instead of half empty. Enjoy every minute you have with her and be grateful for every moment she gets to have Daddy time. I look at my daughter's(who is with us all the time and is 2 1/2) reaction to my husband everytime he walks in the door. She adores her daddy! And I feel terrible for everyday that he goes to work before she wakes up and sometimes is not home until after bed time. Those days are so h*** o* both of them, but it does not change how excited they get to see each other on the days he is home. So even families that are together all the time struggle with having to be away from their kids:) I remember when I went back to work when my oldest was a baby how I missed the first time he rolled over, walked, first words, as these things happened while I was at work. I am home now with my other two, and haven't missed a thing, but my husband had to miss some of those firsts as he was at work, and I know it helped him that I knew how he felt. Maybe look at how your daughter's dad has to share with you and be away for a week at a time. It is just as h*** o* them even if they do not show their feelings very well. Another great way to deal with your feelings is to pray about it. You are never alone.

I know exactly how you feel!!! I think it's totally normal for us moms to feel this way, what kind of moms would we be if we didn't, right?!?! I have a 3 year-old and her father and I split about 6 months ago, we have 50/50, too. Do you and her father cooperate enough that you could try different schedules? Our situation is different because we still have a house to sell....whoever has our daughter stays at the house. So, I am with her Mon, Wed, and every other weekend which is Fri, Sat, Sun and her father is with her Tue, Thu, and opposite weekends. That makes it a little easier for me anyways....I have just found that I need to consiously make the very best of the time that I do have with her, that way I feel like we really had a lot of quality time. I notice that the time we do share is so much more special, because I'm not so stressed out from being with her 24/7...even though now it seems like that would be better!! Are you able to call and talk to her when her father has her? That's another thing that me and her father take advantage of. We call at least once a day and that helps. Hope this is helpful....it is so hard to get used to, but I just have to tell myself that my daughter is lucky to have 2 parents who want to be with her soooo much! So many kids don't even have that, so I just try to stop feeling sorry for myself and think about how much fun she is probably having!! I hope this helps, you are definitely not alone!!

I've had 50/50 custody with my 6 year-old daughter for a year now. I do feel for you, but you do need to deal with your response to her leaving for your daughter's sake. Being emotional when she leaves is affecting her and will lead to issues. (I've seen it with my now grown step-kids, as their mother made an emotional issue of each leaving).

Not every family can do this, but our schedule only has her away from me for 2 or 3 days at a time (week 1 with me - sun, mon, tues, fri, sat; week 2 with me - tues, wed).

We also have webcams at both houses (about $20 at Target or Best Buy) and she knows she can ask to "visit" over webcam anytime. At age 6, phone calls are becoming more possible, too.

Her Dad and I send emails to each other about what she's doing, not every day, but often. We put "cute Raine story" in the subject line so we know it's not about an issue.

And yes, stay "busy", but more than just busy - think about what you can do with your time that you find rewarding, that you wouldn't be able to do except you have this time free - and do it.

I had a divorce 1 1/2 years ago. I have 2 childeren ages 5 and 2. It was really h*** o* me at first as well. If your daughters dad is loving and good to her then everything will be fine. Be happy you picked someone that will still have something to do with her. In my case at first he was all about our kids now he only gets them every other weekend because he thinks friends and partying are more important. So chin up and be strong. Good luck with everything.

To be a mother of a child living with divorce is to live with a broken heart A.. I have done this twice and never stop feeling the broken heart of having to leave my children each week. They suffer too, although as young adults they learn more how to cope.

Don't feel guilty, just feel the sadness. It's natural and OK ~ the guilt is not. Guilt is a huge waste of time.

I went through the same thing several years ago. It really does get easier! Keeping yourself busy is a good start. Maybe find a hobby, or just see more family/friends when she is gone. Good luck to you. Take care and hang in there.

My heart goes out to you and your little one. It's a tough thing to deal with. If at all possible - keep the communication open between you and her father. I like the web-cam idea or even e-mails updating you and him about her days. Keep judgements out of the picture and release the guilt. You can't walk around with that guilt when there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Hope it helps.

I feel for you because i know the pain - it breaks my heart every time they have to go and mine isnt even for that long - it is split up differently. They go the normal everyother weekend - come back sunday night at 5pm, but then he gets 2 overnights during the week - so it isnt longer than the 48 hours and like 13 hours (evening/overnight) during the weeknight ones. If he is willing to change the custody agreement and do that - it helps i think both kids and parents not have to be without the other for such a stretch of time. But if he is not willing to do it - then yes you have to somehow get through it - do you get to call and talk to her like 2 days into it to split it up? That might help. I have a part time job that i work on those weekend days and then i get all my errands and cleaning done that i possibly can and of course schedule the occassional visiting friends and going out etc... so that when it is my night then i dont feel guilty having to do our mommy chores and i can have more time with them doing something fun.
It is just such a hard thing - hopefully he will compremise something with you because no one can predict how it will go when you are deciding how to share the time - 4 days off - 4 days on sounds fair great! NOT it is too much time apart like i said personally for the kids and the parents. Good luck and i wish you the best.

I can understand how hard it is to share custody. The idea of my missing out on so much with my own children helped my marriage get through some rough spots. Remember while you are missing her those 4 days, your ex husband is missing her the other 4 days, but the little one is missing either one of you or the other every day. Make it as easy on her as possible. Don't make it emotional when you have to leave her, smile and take a positive attitude, leave the crying for when you get home. Invite the ex to special events that happen during your 4 days. It would be nice if you could include each other on holidays and birthdays. At day care I have seen how this works in a positive way with children and how self assured children are when they feel secure which ever home they are in.

My daughter has sole custody of her daughter but has been doing 50/50 custody with her ex-husband. My daughter also had a hard time when she didn't have her daughter around. But it did get easier as time went by and one of the biggest things that helped her was knowing that her daughter was getting to spend equal time with both parents. Always thinking about what is best for the child should help you deal when's she is not with you. When my daughter was alone she would prepare things ahead of time so that when her daughter would be back so there was always extra time to do things together. She would always call her daughter before bedtime when she was with Dad and when she was with Mom she would call Dad before bedtime. It soon became a normal routine. I hope this helps somewhat to deal with your situation.

Why don't you try one day during week and every other weekend? That's what we do and it ends up being more like 33:67. I would also have a really hard time on that schedule. Can you go back to court to get the visitation changed? Sometimes the weekend not having her would get to me but I used the time to get a lot done so I could spend all my time with her when she got home.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

A. -
I really feel for you. While I dont have any advice to give you, I thought you might like to know there is someone else out there in the same boat. My daughter is 5mo and her dad and I, while still living together, have not been an item for over a year now. We are best friends, but being together in that way is just not an option. Now he's thinking about moving out and we'd have to share custody. Im dreading being without her. I hate being away from her for 8 hours to work, let alone a few days. Im sorry I cant be of help, maybe you could help me, I dont know. Anyways, I hope knowing someone else is going through the same type of ordeal helps at least a bit.

M.

A....
Have you thought about using that "spare" time to volunteer?? I don't know where you live but most towns have pre-schools that are ALWAYS looking for great people to help out with their kids! IT's a GREAT way to occupy some time and still have that bonding time with a child- even if it can't be your own child. From past experience as a pre-school teacher- there are LOTS of kids who could really use the love and support of a caring adult because they don't get enough of it at home and there is just no way for a classroom teacher to be able to devore one-on-one time with every child every day. You have NO IDEA what a HUGE impact you could have in the life of a child!!!
If that's not for you, maybe a nursing home?? Or something totally crazy...like me...i'm a volunteer firefighter/EMT in the town i'm from! If i start missing my girls, i can go there and be with my "other" family!!!
Nothing you will do will make you miss her any less but there's no reason to sit around being miserable when you could be doing something that could benefit countless people- yourself included...just imagine how good it would feel to come home at the end of the day knowing that you put a smile on a child's face!!

S.

I was the child of a divorce. The best thing my parents ever did was to always encourage me to see the other parent and NEVER bashed them no matter what. I had no idea until I had several children of my own that my father didn't pay child support. I found a court agreement on it, she didn't even tell me as an adult!
Focus on what a the fact that your child has a father who is involved and loves her dearly. Many divorced families don't have that. She is going to have a great shot at not getting pregnant as a teen. Teens who get pregnant do not have a loving, involved father in their lives 90% of the time.
You have time to give, maybe you can volunteer, or take some classes to better your life.

I have read through the responses you have received so far and am really impresswed with what others have had to say. My husband only gets to see his youngest son on Wednesdays and every other weekend. It is h*** o* him because his family doesn't feel complete without his other kiddo. His relationship with the mom is not good but we always speak positively of her and get excited when he tells us stuff that he does with her. We also try to get along very well whenever we're together at games or whatnot so that he has no clue that there are some hard feelings. That would not be fair to him. What my husband does is calls him nightly or every other night just to check in and let him know that he is thinking of him. Both my husband and his mom are receptive to this because it is easier on my step-son. I can only imagine how hard it is for the both of you to be away from your daughter...perhaps when there is some time gone by it will get a little easier!