How to Discipline?~?~?~? - Aberdeen,MD

Hi, Do you have a pack n play? I wouldnt put them in there crib if they are in trouble.You do not want them to think that everytime they go to the crib they have done something wrong.I do suggest the pack n play as a time out place.It keeps them safe, and you can put it anywhere in the house.Even in there room if you so choose.You can really put them in anything, but I suggested the pack n play for safety reasons.They cant(well most kids figure it out)get out of it.Good luck.When he hits, you remove him from the situation, and get down to his level.Look into his face, and firmly, but not yelling say,"You do not hit mommy".Explain to him that it hurts.If he shows you that he is not listening to you, say it again till you think he hears you.You can place him in time out, and when he is done with tie out, you tell him why he was in time out, ad then hugg, kiss, and then drop it!

Hi there A.! Are you sure that you are talking about your son and not MINE! My Aiden is 3 and is so just the same way. It makes me crazy!!!! As I was reading your request he got mad at me and swatted at me. I am with you on the not wanting to hit - but let me tell you Aiden has had his fair share of spankings when he gets too out of hand. It is hard because you do not want him to hit you and you are spanking him telling him that hitting is wrong! Nothing like sending mixed messages!

I have found that for Aiden - Putting him in the corner works to an extent. Not a time out bench - He could care a less about that - but he hates the corner! I know that he is a tad older then yours so different things will work for him. I am using the "santa" is watching thing now....

I wish you the best!!

H.

My son is the same. The thing that I found that is working best for me is to first talk to him and let him know that hitting and throwing bothers you and hurts your feelings. I started that with my son and he has cut back alot. I also designated that there are only certain things that he can throw while we play, like a football or baseball. When he gets frustrated he usually drops whatever he has and goes for either one of those to throw. It's a phase and he sees your response to him throwing things as a way to deter you from what you are doing and get your attention. Calmly tell him no and return to what you are doing. It will vbe hard at first but if you stick to it it should help.

We went through this phase not so long ago. The two things that worked for us were: giving her an appropriate way to express her feelings (we told her to stomp her feet when she's angry or frustrated) and modelling appropriate behavior (making sure never to hit things when we're angry, ie no smacking the keyboard when reading annoying things online. ;) ).

It's a real fine line between restraining them from being able to hurt you (holding their hands or putting them in a playpen if they're having a major episode) and denying them your company as a punishment. I think that the latter can lead to more problems. You don't want to give them the impression that your love is conditional upon their behavior, but on the other hand you want to model that we shouldn't tolerate people hurting us. So hard to figure out! I think you have to rely on your instincts for each incident and determine whether they want some space to sort their feelings out, or they want some comfort from you.

our girl used to hit more too and even now sometimes tries, but i also said it hurts mom and/or took and held her hand already before she could hit and said firm but no yelling: no hitting, that hurts... and it has worked... also when i took her hand i touched me with it gently and said nice touches, no hitting... asked what she needed and talked that if she is nice we can do something(if she seemed to hit just for attention or frustriation)...
so basically you want to be consistent about never allowing hitting and having same or appropriate cosequinse, but same time teach him what is appropriate and acceptable insetead of hittting... teach him different ways to get to you, get your attention or deal with his frustriation...
with little ones just distracting them works best as well... say no hitting and then change the whole topic and start doing something nice...

Where is the father in this situation, I don't believe in spankings my daughter is 4 and I can't count on one hand how many times I have actually spanked her. When he hits you a simple pop will get his attention and he will notice that he does not like to be hit back and eventually he will stop, but if you continue to do nothing about it then it will get worst as he gets older and think that it is OK to hit woman..Moniter what he see and what he watched b/c that has alot to do with it also. He's at an age right now where he absorbs everything so if he continues to hit and see that he is getting no punishment for it he will continue to do.. Also have his father bond with him more and reenforce that hitting in not good... Good Luck

Well you already started the right process. I saw this same situation on a show on TLC called "House of Tiny Terrors" a single mom has a son around the same age and he hits her the same way, so the Dr. that helps out told her that everytime he hits her or anyone else she should tell him NO firmly, put him in his crib or a playpen, etc. and shut the door or just get out of view. You leave him there for 2min(1min for every year old he is-yours is almost 2), come back in tell him he cannot hit and if he does it again he will come back in here. You do this everytime he hits until he learns not to do it. He WILL eventualy stop, you just have to be calm and patient. If you want you can check out the show on TLC it's airing this whole week and I think they have it OnDemand for TLC also. Let me know how it goes & please try not to stress too much, I know it can be a long and hard process I have 4 kids of my own. Please feel free to email me anytime at ____@____.com Be strong and good luck!! Oh and by the way, the pretending to cry thing really doesn't work because most of the time they will feel bad the first time(if you're lucky) then after that or most of the time they think it is a silly game you are playing and will hit more often cause they think you are playing. Try it if you wish, but I think lying to your kids that way is wrong. You need to be firm and gentle and make sure they know you are the boss. Just be patient, there is NO quick fix when raising kids & that's what the "pretending to cry" solution is....."A quick fix" that really doesn't work.

my daughter is 17 months now and we had that sma eprobel about 2 months ago. we would tell her that we didnt like her hitting and that we would be sad when that happend. we also put her in hewr cib for 5 minutes and then when we got her we talked to her and explained not to do it. we stuck with it, not letting it go. best wishes.

A.,
Don't fret too much. THis is VERY common for that age. Even though they can talk, they don't know how to deal with thier frustrations. Time outs usually work well. Put him in his crib or in a chair one minute for every year of life (for you, 1 and a half mins) Tell him firmly, "We DON'T hit". WALK AWAY FROM HIM. Once the time is up, go back to him, make sure he's calm, and ask him to apologize to you for hitting. Give him a hug and leave the incident in the past. Do this as often as necessary.
There is a really good show on either the Discovery channel or TLC, "The House of Tiny Terrors" and they were dealing with the same type of issue.

Hope this helps,
Cat

Hi A.,

Welcome to the terrible twos!!!

The best advice I got (and I got a lot) was to make him realize it hurts you when he hits. Make pretend your crying after he hits you. I hope his reaction is he is sorry for what he has done.

My son, who will be two in Feb has a hitting problem, and was in daycare up to a few weeks ago. It is normal for a child to feel their oats, they just have to know there are consequences for their actions. I tried hitting him back (didn't work, it was an all out hitting war until someone gave up) and time out at such a young age does not work.

GOOD LUCK!

Hi, my son is a bit younger than yours, so I all i can say is it's worked for me so far--but i follow Burton White's "Raising A Happy, Unspoiled Child"--got a used copy on eBay for like $5--it's a lot of info on development and how to use it help at each stage to help shape their behavior--and so far he's a delight--

hope it helps.

My daughter is a little bit younger than your son- almost 17 months, and she has hit a little bit but it has stopped. What I did was say "Ow, that hurts mommy"- without trying to raise my voice- very monotone and without making direct eye contact, and if she tried to do it again, take her hand, and gently rub wherever she was aiming for, and say "Gentle touch, gentle touch" "This is how we touch mommy (or others)" and if she then did the gentle touch, I'd make a big deal of it.

At this age they need to know what is appropriate, and I've found that timeouts and spanking and whatnot- they do not connect it to what they have done- and they do not learn what behavior is good- they just know they get in trouble for something.

As for the tantrums, just make sure he is in a safe place- so he doesn't really hurt himself, and ignore it or try and re-direct it. If you are ignoring- keep it so that you can still see him, but he can't really see you. If you try and re-direct, you might wait fora break in the wailing, and do something ridiculously silly that will completely distract him. Or start playing with one of his favorite noisy toys like you are having a grand ol' time, or ask him a two pointed question- like do you want milk or juice? (That lets him feel like he has a little control- by giving him two acceptable choices, at this age they tend to say no a lot, because then he has power, but that way he can choose either and you are ok with either choice- where I wouldn't suggest ok do you want to go outside or to the zoo? if you had no intention of going to the zoo that day.) My daughter can be having a tantrum and I can ask her something about food- and she will snap right out of it to let me know what she wants.

I hope some of this helps... good luck, I know it is hard. As another poster said- each family has their own ways of handling discipline, and you have to figure out what feels right for you and yours.

Oh yeah.. and the other thing with discipline- a lot of times it is VERY normal to have an effect where the behavior gets worse before it gets better... I haven't seen it as much with distraction and re-directing, but with a lot of the other models of discipline, they have to "test the waters" and you need to stick to your guns, as it were, ride whatever technique you go with for a couple of weeks before you try a different one. It'll be hard, but if you keep changing the game plan- he will not learn what is expected of him.

Hi A.-

I have to say that I do not agree with spanking your child as it is reinforcing thats it is ok to hit. I would take his hand after he gets mad and hits you and show him how to touch you nicely and see if that works. If he is already talking, try and encourage him to tell you what is wrong and that you want to help him.

When he throws himself on the ground or into the wall, just ignore the behavior and walk away. He is trying to get your attention and by giving it to him when he does these things, the behavior is being reinforced.

All this is just my opinion and experience as I am a preschool teacher and taught toddlers for about 2 years.

Hope things get better for you.

I think the first thing is trying to figure out where he gets the behaviour from. TV? other kids? grown ups? really try to figure that one out and you're half way there. Second, know where the line is for him. My 3 year old, like yours has a very short fuse, I've learned to tell when it's coming and sooth things before it gets there, then we talk about why it's not ok to hit and how you need to use words, it's specially hard for little ones 'cause most can't be fully understood yet! sot it's very frustrating for him, but everyone understand hitting!!

good luck, hope I was able to help
F.