How Much Play Time Do Children Need with Other Children?

In answer to, "How much time do other moms out there think that kids really need to spend with their friends?"

A WHOLE lot less than most people think! They will take on attitudes and actions of those with whom they spend the most time. I personally wanted mine to learn to act and think like adults. Interactions with their age mates was limited and in a controlled environment - most often our home where the rules were the same for 'guests' as for our own kids. We got lots of static about socialization, but the end product is amazingly mature, well-adjusted and well liked, succesful young adults.

Good morning, D.! I am a mother of eight, and I am telling you to forget the disrespectful, self-absorbed kids the neighborhood is producing. I've been through the woes and heartbreak of seeing my children sitting by themselves at lunch or playing alone because I've disapproved of a particular "friend" and forbade them to play with them. Teaching them respect for boundaries, both theirs and others, is really important at any age. Our kids need to understand that their friends MUST respect them and their needs. If the neighborhood kids don't respect the rules of the adult (you), there will be consequences, in this case, maybe missing out on swimming, fishing, and other fun activities. Your children will develop some socialization skills in school, so I wouldn't worry about setting X amount of time with other kids. I don't think it's a good idea for your kids to see you going out of your way to accommodate the ungrateful neighborhood kids just to facilitate a "friendship" for them. Sure it's not fun to see your child alone, but it's better than them being influenced by or maybe (heaven forbid) imitating the behavior exhibited by the neighborhood population. Maybe the decent kids are just waiting for you to weed out the troublemakers and then they'll come into the picture. I remember when I was a kid, I stayed away from the rough kids so I was a bit of a loner. I sought out the kids who looked like they needed a friend. From these experiences, I know that it's tough being a kid. I've told my children, "We are on a journey! From the time you are born to the time you're 18, it's MY responsibility as your PARENT, to teach you right from wrong, to weed out the riff-raff, and to help you along your way." You know, of course, it doesn't end there! (smile) Let the neighborhood kids find another venue. It sounds to me like they're taking advantage of you. Take your kids somewhere and have a good time. They will find their way in this world, believe me. I found a friend in college who is still my friend to this day - I even named one of my twin daughters after her! I would much rather see my child swinging alone and maybe come search me out for company then following along with a kid who may take them down the wrong path or is treating them like dirt when you're not around. Be strong and be a leader. Show your children they don't have to put up with that kind of disrespect at any time. I hope this helps. Have a beautiful day!

Hi D.,
I started thinking about this and I am reading a book called "Hold on to your kids" Why parents need to matter more than peers" Very good read. Came from a different point, how much time does my 14 year old really need to be on the phone with his 13 year old girl friend?
Blessings,
S.
homeschool mom and home business owner

I don't think socializing for the sake of socialization is worth it. It's not news that peers influence child behavior. I personally feel there is nothing wrong with limiting your children's exposure, or just avoiding other children from families with different values and behaviors than your own. I also think it is perfectly fine and sometimes absolutely necessary to help your children pick and choose who they will socialize with. Be fair of course in explaining what type of person would make a good friend, and explain why you do or don't like certain friends so they can understand where you're coming from. This will be helpful as they get on in life, and are faced with making life decisions in the future.

Your children will be fine if they don't play with the neighborhood kids. Just because you live next to them, and go to school with them, doesn't mean you need to hang out with them. If they're all rotten brats, then by all means avoid them. They're probably miniatures of their parents!

Besides, your children probably have many alternative places where they can find potentially good and life-long friends. First of all, they have each other (siblings), they have you, and they can meet other kids through church, music or sporting groups, and there are also cousins, nieces, nephews and others who may have more in common with your family socially and temperment-wise that would prove to be more suitable playmates.

Save everyone unnecessary stress and problems and stop worrying about whether or not they have friends or social gatherings. Popularity and a ton of insincere acqaintances are not going to round them out as individuals. Forced or tolerated friendships will more than likely bring about negative challenges and stress. All they need is one good and trusty friend to have a healthy social life. It's not the quantity of friends they have and time spent with them, but the quality.

I would say at your kids ages they are old enough to decide if they what to play with a particular friend or now. I do inhome daycare and i have a 7 year old and watch a 6 year old after school, even though they are both boys and into the same games and toys it is a constant power struggle between them. for the most part i make them work it out. Unless they are just being mean to each other. I would try to teach your kids how to deal with selfish friends rather than avoid them. Have them practice role play talking to you, explaining that they always have to play what person x wants to and that this isn't fair. work together with your kids to come up with solutions to this problem

Are these the only friends your kids have? Do your kids even like these other kids?

If they don't like them, then they shouldn't have to play with them. Do you know other families at church or school that you could arrange playdates with even if it involves driving.

Some people think that your children's best friends are the ones in the family and that they need minimal play time with others. I think it is less a question of "how much time" but rather a questions of having the freedom to choose to be around certain people that you enjoy. Some time with people you don't enjoy is ok, but not really necessary.

I think that if it's a good thing, then it's a good thing, but if it's a bad thing, it's a bad thing. Simply, each case is individual, and should be judged according to if the relationship is a good thing or a bad thing for the child. Children really cannot distinguish that themselves, although they probably have an innate sense that something is not right with the relationship.

The best way to keep your kid away from a bad influence is to simply steer them gently away. Like say, 'No, you can't hang out with NAME today, we're too busy, etc' and then you pretty do that everytime they ask to hang out with the bad influence. It is almost always a mistake to say no, you cannot ever hang out with NAME again!!!! That is scary to anyone. Also, your kid will probably repeat what you said to their friend or someone else, so then the ex-friend has a real fight to pick with YOU and will take it out on your child either directly or through getting other kids to be mean and pick on them. The child that is a bad influence will feel attacked and doesn't understand your adult reasoning, also they are still a child themself, and we need to have sympathy and compassion for their confusion, for their bad behavior, they need someone to help them through it. But that doesn't mean that you keep your kids exposed to them. You just keep your kids on a tight leash, that's all. Also, all kids can do something bad a few times here and there, even our own. There is no such thing as a perfect child. never was never will be. Children's very nature is to make mistakes, that's how they learn. We just want to be sure that they are learning from their mistakes, not learning to keep making mistakes.

well it is true that you don't want to shelter your kids because eventually they will have to join the world that's full of rude people but if it's affecting them have them invite friends from school over or get them involved in extra activities and have them bring those friends over. I would think the 10 could get that they aren't nice and to find somebody new to be around and what to do if they are mean and possibly the 7 yr old i don't know about the 6 yr old but I don't have kids that age but I do understand the situation you are in because I"m in it right now and to be honest with you I avoid those children as much as possible and find things for all of us to do and go do that or they just play with each other. It's hard to know what to do and it's obvious you care about your kids happiness. We use to do things with another family that had two kids the same ages as mine and the older boy would let my oldest and his little brother play but not my younger one I do like the parents and their company but not the way my daughter was being treated by the older child so we no longer spend time with them. I feel like I took the feeling away of her being left out by not putting her in that situation anymore. The thing is though I'm sure things happen at school too that we aren't aware of where feelings are hurt and other kids don't cooperate so they can probably learn to deal with it if they want to play with them and maybe that's what they need to be told and if they act up at home they can no longer play with those kids. I don't know but I do hope you figure something out that you feel good about.

I have the same problems.... My gosh I think it's just spoiled kids these days. I actually love when the weather is bad and I can keep my daughter in the house all day eliminating drama, fights, and hurt feelings. We too take alot of my daughter's friends with us or do fun things. My daughter is a only child and it's always so much more fun with another child around but we are starting to feel used, and take advantage of because these other kids are so rude and unappreciative. My daughter is at the point where she insists she's never going to talk or play with certain girls anymore because she's starting to get it.

I say they don't need their other friends at all unless they bring some sort of positive happiness to the table. If all they do is bring negativity and make everyone miserable your better off with no friends.

they are getting plenty of socialing at school. ( i know not everyone is back yet.. our have been back for 3 weeks now). my boys are close to your kids ages and we have it that they get to come home and play until 5 (about an hour and a half) then they have to be home and nobody comes over its family time then. during the summer we had it that on tues and thurs no kids were allowed over and they stayed home. mon, wed, friday they were able to play with friends only in the afternoons from 1-6 and they could only leave the house for one hour a day. we have the same problems with other kids and its horrible... i wish other parents had a grasp on how bad thier kids can be or cared when you told them what happens. i honestly feel that kids don't need alot of time playing with others, they have one another. i grew up on a farm and i was home with my two brothers every day during the summer and during the school up until i was about 17 home every night unless we had sports and all of us turned out great. we still learned to share, work together, problem solving everything that you do with friends we had to learn being with each other... actually i think its harder to do when its your brothers or sisters. we all have a great bond now and i think its because we spent so much time together as kids. friends will come and go as we get older.

i think spending the time with the other children who don't have the same morals or wants as we want for our kids truely does have a big impact on how our kids act. with my oldest when he gets to spend a day with his friends he comes home with a horrible attitude and mouthy as all can be and is rude to us and his brothers. days when its just us no other kids around he is great. the kids don't like it but usually i tell them they can play with the friend but they have to play here, sometimes it can get to be alot of kids but atleast i have the control on what happens and can send the other kids home when they are misbehaving or getting out of line.

D.,

I don't think there is an easy answer to this one. I would say they can play with friends until it becomes a problem or a disruption to the family. We got very lucky in our current neighborhood, (no bratty kids,) and so my kids play with the neighbors almost every day, sometimes for a couple hours. We have also invited neighbor kids to come and do things with our family, but that is because the kids behave themselves.

Before we moved it was a different story. There were a few kids who lived up the street, but they were never outside so my kids didn't interact with them. The kid who was out in the neighborhood was a nightmare. We had so many problems, we had to set up all kinds of rules like he can't come in the house, he can't be in our yard or with my kids unless I am right there, etc. This minimized the problems, but they still happened. I just had to put forth the effort to drive my kids to the park to find some nice children to play with or set up play groups.

If it was me, I would just work on finding your kids some better friends. It may not be convenient because they don't live by you, but I think it is worth the effort if the neighbor kids are causing that much trouble.

Good luck,
S.

It seems when there is a group of kids playing together you will have more trouble then if it is a one on one. There is better sharing and no one gets left out. There has to be a child in the neighborhood that you feel would be a good friend with your child, one for each. Ask that child to go on a special outing with your child, either to a arcade or swimming, anything they will work together and have a good time. I use to take my son and the boys I liked, behavior wise, together to the skateboard park then to a movie. It was fun watching them and learning about them as a group of friends working together and teasing each other. I would discourage friendships that are bad influence. They pick up on "if I hang out with Bob who my mom likes, we have fun and get to do things together... but if I hang out with Joe, I have to go in early and I don't get to have fun because Joe doesn't treat me with respect or I get into trouble with Joe" It doesn't work when they are teens as well as when they are smaller so install good friendship values in them as young as you can.

I always wonder about what we expect kids to be like when I read how there is a "whole" neighborhood or a "whole" classroom full of naughty children, are children now days that misbehaved or are we expecting to much for children who are just learning how to have friendships? I know when my kids were young and I would volunteer my time in Scouts and Sunday school or if there were friends over to the house, I would guide them the right way when there was fights or misbehavior. I would say "that isn't the way you play nice together, this might work better" We are all teachers for the young, instead of avoiding everyone, help teach your children and other children to be flexable and compassionate. Teach your children when something isn't appropriate and how to deal with it rather then to be alone. Children who are loners are open to having some really bad freindships develop in the high school years. My parents talk about when I was 3 or 4 and they bought me and my older sister each a bike. The girls next door were the same age and the older girl told my sister "I won't play with you if you don't let me ride your bike" My sister got off her bike and ran behind her friend on the bike. The younger sister saw this and told me the same thing, I won't play with you if you don't let me ride your bike. My parents told me that I just looked at her and said "if you are on my bike, you aren't playing with me anyway". That is what we want to teach our kids. We need to teach them that they need to think things through and decide if what they are doing is right or wrong. We need to teach them how to handle those "I won't play with you if.." friends and how friendships are full of give and take and if they are only giving and the friend is only taking, it isn't a real friendship. They will learn how to handle love interests and marriage by the way they learn how to handle friendships as children. They need the tools to handle the problems, not to avoid them.

We have a child in our neighborhood whose behavior is horrible. He manipulates my child (which my child responds to, inappropriately, by hitting...I should note, he does NOT hit other children), one-ups him, and more or less bullies him. Yet my child loves playing with him.

After quite a bit of discussion, my husband and I came up with this. When "T" is at our house, he is OUR child and subject to our rules. When other neighbor kids come over (who are mostly well behaved and kids I'd love for my child to know...who also come with parents most frequently, who discipline their own child), I would expect my child to be the host--and allow the children their way, treat them like guests. With T, we alter the rules (we have not told our son; he's four) and work on teaching him appropriate behavior. This is a child who "wanders" the neighborhood, knocking on doors to find a playmate; I've spoken to other parents whose children have better manners and some of them even use him to teach their children manners--"You are NOT to behave like T does when he visits!" and "This is how you treat a guest, even if it's awkward or rude."

Now, my son has known him for 6 months, and he's not as interested in playing with him. We never limited his playtime, but he found other kids who have better manners and are more fun to play with, so he sometimes even avoids T, which is ok by me as long as he's not rude about it (allowing him to be rude to T reduces him pretty quickly to T's level, IMO).

Good luck--sometimes neighbors are hard to escape!! :)

I don't know that there is a set amount of time really because each kid and each situation is different. With my son- my first thought is- he see's his friends all day- before and after school in Kids club for at least an hour. There is apparently only one other boy in our building and I let them play on weekends and if our behavior is good- he will get an hour or two during the week. As well as the other friend who he gets to play with when staying at Grandmas. The neighbor boy can create some aggrevating attitudes from my son- and I don't think the supervision is quite what it should be at his house- so I tend to allow them to play at our house- and am planning on taking him with us on weekend outings. I am learning that he behaves much more pleasantly with me around- because I demand it, than he does with fewer boundaries at his house.

Your kids are all at the age where peer relationships are important. That being said, making sure they have plenty of family and alone time is also important and may not be the same for each child.

Implementing times of the day for reading alone and hours designated for the family will help to create balance. It will also help with the structure that keeps kids in the fold.

My parents had family time at meals and reading time started one hour before bed (as opposed to TV time). During the school year, the hour before supper was homework/reading time. During the summer, reading time happened in the morning after breakfast.

I second the book "Hold on to Your Kids". My husband even read it and it's not a real easy read. But it fundamentally changed the way we parent and made so much sense. (And a huge difference!) Highly, highly recommend...