How Do You Deal with Weekend Visitation for a Teenager?

You and hubby need to suck it up.

I don't believe in the come and go as you please because my daughter tried that with her kids and it just didn't work. Every time they were getting in trouble, guess what? They decided to go to dad's for weeks at a time. No, it doesn't work because they use it to manipulate situations.

BUT I do think that because she is getting older, dad needs to understand and give her her space. I would opt for a new visitation schedule that allows her more time at her mom's but still have some time for dad. By the way, she is only asking for what she sees her 1/2 brother getting. How do you plan to explain the disparity to her?

My boys live with me and have 1.5 overnights per week with their dad. They are now 15 and 17 and are gone more often, day and night and overnight. Sometimes they are gone during my nights and sometimes their dad's night. The impact on their dad is greater because they have fewer nights with him.

However, I noticed that they make more of an effort to keep their times with their dad if he makes specific plans to do things with them. If they have a "date" to go to a movie or out for frisbee golf with their dad, they won't make plans with their friends for that time. So could your husband plan special dates with his daughters either activities they love or dinner out, one on one? It might work better than griping that they don't come over more. And after their activity, if your girls came home and had time with their little brother, it would be good for their relationship, too.

Wow, this is hard for parents even when their children live with them 24/7.

She is a teen. The most important people to her right now are her friends.

I am going to guess, even though she has a bed at her moms home, she is constantly on the go, seeing friends hanging out with them and not always at home..

This is just a part of it.

My nephew for example is on the football team and has been since 8th grade.. also on the baseball team, lacrosse, has girl friends.

He is up at the school, training and practice.. yes.. almost the entire summer. He takes on jobs when he can and the rest of the time.. with friends. At the lake, going to the movies,, amusement parks.. My niece is just now about to go into high school.. she spends so much time at her friends homes.. she has a drawer at one friends house!!

My sister and her ex husband still keep the same visitation, but allow the kids to see their friends all of the time.

Is there anyway you all would allow the daughter to have her friends come to your home to hang out with all of you ? They could sleep over, do cookouts, watch movies, go places with all of you?

My father did not allow this.. and the older I got, the less I saw him and my stepmom.. My friends were all doing stuff together and I had to put the breaks on to spend time sitting in their house, pretty much not doing anything..

I was no longer a child. I had a car, I worked and had my money.. But we would just sit and watch tv over there. My stepmom wanted to always cook for us.. (She was a terrible cook) and would not let us vcook for them. and we really had nothing to talk about with them, since they did not know our friends or what we were up to.

So rethink how to handle this.

Do not take it personally, this is what the teen years are all about. The kids are starting to separate themselves for their parents.. because they are about to be adults in college or working full time. It is nothing personal, it is just normal development.

while I know this is hurting him, she is at an age where her social life is exploding. As long as there is some visitation, some set schedule - where she is comprimising w/ her dad.....then I think that's the best he can expect with this age group.

Here's another way to look at it: she's not choosing the other parent, she's choosing her friends! Please be very thankful that she is happy, engaged with life, & not hiding in her room....playing video games or hanging with druggy friends!

There are positives to this....& very little time left before she's off to college & the world! Peace!

Oh, one more thought: 25 hwy miles is nothing! We live in a small town, & just to use WalMart/Kohls/etc....we have to drive 15 miles one way. For all other shopping conveniences + + all of our family, we drive almost 100 miles. Regularly. :)

You need to look at this as what is best for the kids, not you. My kids are 11 and 13 and even they are sick and tired of the back and fourth. Given their choice they would live with me and go to their dad when they want to or he wants to hang out.

We are going with baby steps, this summer nothing changed, this fall they will be with me during the week and alternate weekends. Probably by the end of the school year that will continue over the summer. By the time they are the same age as yours they will be with me all the time unless dad wants to hang out.

It isn't about the parents or love, it is a matter of some stability that teens need. I am the one who lives in their school district, I am the one that lives by their friends, I am the one they want to live with, they love both of us the same.

This just isn't worth fighting with the kids over. At their age if it goes to court the judge will give them what they want and they will hate you for putting them through it. My older two were 16 and 18 at the time of our divorce, they have never lived or stayed with their dad since. They stayed in their home close to their friends. The court let them choose. According to my attorney the court starts listening to them around 12 years old.

Maybe it is easier for me because I had one going away to college. I already knew time was limited. Just seems like the natural evolution.

Oh, you will have no chance of enforcing anything once they drive. You want to make the court mad, go after a child for violating a contract of the parents.

Oh, what a challenging point you've hit in the teen years: a teen who has her own life separate from her family. We all get this, right? We LIVED it ourselves, LOL! Of course I certainly see your side of it and would feel the same way you do. My husband and I were just laughing the other day, saying that when our daughter moves out, we're picking up and following her wherever she goes :)

Frankly, I think you're going to have to accept that you're going to see your teen a little less often. Come to an agreement that there are certain set days family gets together, no matter what. Don't make this a power struggle, that never works. Give her some space and look forward to your SET days together. What you don't want to do is taint those days that you ARE together because of this power struggle. Because if you force the issue too much, she'll be really bitter and you'll all pay via 'the bad attitude.' I know it's sad when we realize that our babes are growing up. Hang in there, I know that this would make me very sad, too.

I don't really have any answers for you but I do have a personal experience I'd like to share.My older sister and I had a every other weekend visitation with my dad. When my sister was about your step daughter's age she started skipping weekends here and there to do things with her friends. My dad wasn't happy about it- like your husband he said he wanted to spend the time with his daughters. My sister got asked to the prom her sophomore year but it turned out to be on my dad's weekend. My dad insisted that she come to his house that weekend instead of going to the prom and that from then on she could have time with her friends on weekend other then his. It really hurt their relationship. Every time he made her go to his house after that she would only sit in her room until he gave up and she never back to his house.
Teenagers want to be with their friends. Period. Esp. teenage girls. I agree that dad should have a set schedule but try to be flexible. Let her skip some visits.
Good luck.

We have gone through this with my husband's 2 boys, now 17 and 18. It started around 12 or 13, them wanting to hang out with friends, having other plans, etc. when it was their weekend with Dad. Now we live in a separate state from them, so visits involve plane flights and time off from work, or scheduling things over school vacation (the 17 year old has one more year of high school left, the 18 year old has graduated and is working full-time). We've always just left it up to them - we didn't want to force anything, especially since at our house they didn't have any friends to hang out with or much of anything to do except watch TV a lot of time. However, if they skipped out of one weekend that they were supposed to go to Dad's, they couldn't skip out of the next weekend - their mom made sure of that.

Your husband might just have to accept that at this age, their peers become more important to them than family - not saying they should be, but it's more fun for them to hang out with friends then always have to go to Dad's, especially if there are younger little siblings in the mix. Your husband will need to try to be more flexible and be willing to compromise. Kids can try to meet Dad half-way too, and maybe if they feel they are not being "forced" to visit and spend time with him, they will be more willing to be there at other times. Not that Dad has to be a "Disneyland Dad", but maybe the QUALITY of the time together is more important than quantity. He should ask her what kinds of things she wants to do this summer (trip to the beach, amusement park, road trip, camping, etc.) and then make it a point to do things with her, and take the opportunity to make whatever time they have together something special. Would 1 full week per month be something he would be willing to consider, as well as her, if he had some ideas of how they wanted to spend it? Or two weekends a month if she could pick which 2 weekends and he had plans for something fun for them to do?

My first thought is that if she's not at your home because of events/activities, is that because you don't allow her to go or won't take her but her mother will? I ask because she could just as easily go from your home as from her mother's. When I was the child, I wasn't allowed to participate in extra curricular's (I lived w/ my aunt and she said "I can't commit you on your mother's weekend" and I never asked because I had already been told no...by my aunt) but when I was old enough and had a job, I still went to my mom's but she knew I would get there late on Friday and worked both Saturday and Sunday during the day. I still went out on the weekend after work...it's what kids do...I just did it from her house not my home. When it was my son that was to go to his dad's, his dad typically left him home so he didn't have to be responsible for taking him to or from and would get him when it was convenient for him (there was a 2 hour drive involved but he didn't stay involved w/ our son's life but wanted him to come be a part of his).

I think your hubby should calm done and try to see this from a kid's perspective of "I'm growing up and will only be a teen once. There are things I want to do". You and he can come out with a better plan and then discuss w/ the daughter. Calmly explain that while you realize she's growing up and has activities, she CAN just as easily do them from your home as her mother's. She may not see it that way right now. This plan would give your hubby more time and her the things she wants (win-win).

We didn't have this issue because my husband would just drive his son to those activities. It's a good opportunity, however, to teach her to consider the feelings and time and efforts of others. We live on the opposite end of town from my husband's ex and their son, and most of his friends and activities are closer to their house. Because of the long commute, he had to make a choice sometimes. He had to participate in the planning so he knew what went into making it happen. There were no spur-of-the-moment activities, unless we were going to be in the area for some reason.

It's hard when you're the custodial house, too.

Forgive me if I missed some of that. What we did in part is that the child usually got a job near their mom because that's where they were for the summer. My SD is 17 and is with her mom and has a job there. Last summer she stayed with her mom most of the summer, saw us every other weekend, and for vacation. I expect she will work many weekends, and do not yet know how it will pan out. She turns 18 next month.

While things got a lot more loose with them as they got older, it's still beneficial to have a schedule. 1. something you can count on and 2. something she can give her job. My DD is also 3 and said just this AM, "Mommy, I will miss SD a lot." So it's not fair to her, either and while we don't sit on the sks to visit, we've had to enforce some basic respect. Say good bye when you leave, come when you plan to come, and respect the home you are in.

After 18 it was more of the same, but because SS was then an adult, he could come and go whenever - just had to let us know when to expect him.

Now, my SD (also 17) likes to announce things - some of it is the age of her friends and some of it is herself. When she was little the rule became "You can't agree to a party without discussing it both with the parent whose time it is on and the parent you will be with" because if one or the other says no, then it's not going to happen. I'm not giving up a weekend with my friends because SD wants me to play taxi all of a sudden. I think that is partially age and he needs to have conversations with her about respect and time. Even if the other brother has a different schedule, you're not talking about him. You're talking about HER.

AND, even if she doesn't visit, does she talk to her dad? Text him? Skype with the little guy? Or is it silence?

I had a heart to heart with my now 22 yr old stepson just the other week where I laid out that all I really want is some respect from him for our household and that a little respect for others would go a long way. Try to keep talking.

Why don't you sit down and make sunday afternoon Dad time. He can go over to pick her up and take her to the movies or out to eat etc. Just a time to hang out. Its just a horrible age for the girl. She is a teenager so wants nothing to do with probably mom or dad and just wants her friends. I bet the girl has a boyfriend and basically wants to be with him but is afraid to let dad know.

He needs to find a nice compromise to this. If he makes her made all she has to do is request a visit with a judge and ask for her visitation with her father to be terminated. She does not have to visit him at all. In Oklahoma a 12 year old can decide if they want to visit the ex parent. At this daughters age she is well above any age for a judge to not allow her to decide.

He would still have to pay child support but she would not have a visitation unless she decided she wanted to come visit.

I would bluff her into committing to a minimal set visitation until she can drive herself and then can come and go as she pleases.