House Not Clean Enough for Husband

I'm sorry to hear your husband is so critical of you. That sucks. I used to have a laid back approach to cleaning my house as well;) and the only thing that helped me was I moved into a house that was just too beautiful to let get messy. I'm not saying you should move, obviously, but I think it's strange that's what it took for me to care about my home's appearance. These are things that helped me manage my house....

Your 7 and 5 year old are old enough to have some cleaning responsibilities, like cleaning their rooms, and making their beds. When anyone gets out of the shower, their clothes should go straight to the laundry room or in a designated basket. Dishes go straight into the dishwasher after eating from them, and the dishwasher should be ran nightly. Clean the kitchen as you cook. This is so important, and as you make a habit of it, it's just second nature to constantly keep it tidy.

Your husband can help you on the weekends!!!! If he doesn't like the mess, he can help eliminate it. Maybe you both can go through the whole house together, get it completely clean, and then both do small things daily to keep it tidy. I find it is easy to do a quick sweep through the house when the kids leave for school in the morning, I spend about 5 minutes in each room and it really helps.

Write down a weekly chore chart. Vacuum every 3 days, mop the laminate and kitchen floors every 3 days, do laundry every 3 days and clean the bathrooms every three days. Obviously not all those things on the same day, alternate days and you will have time for yourself still without feeling like you clean all day.

I hope you find this helpful, and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask!!!

I sooo understand. I too have three children only 2 years in between each one. I also had a husband that complained constantly about the house. And, I had a terrible mess.

The first thing I noticed was that I would start saying that my house was a direct reflection of my mental/emotional state. Over time I have come to understand how profoundly true that was. I was severely depressed, I was overwhelmed with motherhood, I was codependent, and I had no sense of self.

I have found over the years that as I have sorted through all my inner "stuff" there has been a direct correlation to my ability to deal with my outer "stuff". I am also fortunate to have some innate organizing skills that have strongly shown up but haven't been helpful till I cleared out enough old stuff.

I now help others to organize and purge both their physical space but also their inner space. It sounds like there is a lot more going on for you that is greatly contributing to your "mess": your relationship, feeling overwhelmed, feeling insecure and afraid. I would hazard a guess that you are also feeling angry, confused, lost, and just so tired.

As others have suggested, outside help could be vital for you right now. Some of the tools that were invaluable to me and that I support others in learning are: Putting yourself first on the list, self-care, asking for help, receiving help, and saying "no" to some things. Yes, organizing skills and help cleaning are huge needs and you definately need help with those, AND you have a need for support for you.

If there are any questions you have about my journey from "The Mess" or anything else please feel free to contact me. In support of You, T.

You can absolutely have help. You recognize that cleaning and organizing are two DIFFERENT things. That is a huge step. You said that it is an insecurity, but I want you to know that they have been able to show that only 1-10% of the population will have that natural abiltity to organize. You can absolutely LEARN the skill. That is what I do. We are very passoinate about helping families get back to order so they are free from the stress "stuff" causes. Let me know if you would like further help. I work for Major Mom an internation Professional Organizing company. Check out our website and see what you think!
www.MajorMom.biz

-Good Luck & do not give up!
C. J.

Well, you have two great helpers if you have a 5 and 7 year old! :) Organize and then they are responsible for their things and putting them back where they came from. Start in one smaller section in your home and don't think it has to be all done in a day.

I am not sure what you classify as "pigsty". If it is truly really bad, then you need to figure out what the underlying problem is. Some people are naturally organizers, some are pack rats, others just don't care if it is clean or not.

If your husband is so fed up he is threatening divorce over a clean or unclean house, then my suggestion is he hire a company to come in, help you declutter, get organized with containers, garage sale or whatever and then give you tips to maintain it. Sounds extreme to make threats like that!

If it is too overwhelming, then you need to ask for help. Studies prove if there is lot's of clutter and it has gotten bad, just looking at that can lead to depression. Try baby steps, a corner first one day, then work your way out of the room with a whole room done in a few days. If everything has a place, then it cannot get bad again if everyone is expected to follow these steps.

No man should use a clean or unclean house as leverage to stay or go from a marriage, my thought is there is more to it!
He could take a vacation day and help you!

I am neat freak that came into my own years ago, not always that way. It wasn't over night but once I got the clutter organized, everything had it's place I have now intergrated my children into following my lead. I truly feel a high when I have organized and cleaned a room, I step back and it is an awesome feeling! It takes practice and to really be motivated to do the big job first then it is a easy breezy method on a daily basis. I lists of what needs done each day so I don't spend one whole day cleaning, maybe an average of one hour a day is spent on picking up, putting away, laundry, dishes, trash and so on.
HUGS

Hey K.! Keep your chin up. I've always had a problem with messiness. My grandma gave me some advice when I got married - take 10 minutes every night before going to bed and tidy up. When I follow this, my house seems much better. When I don't, the next day holds the previous day's mess and that day's. It just seems to snowball!

You didn't say if your hubby helps around the house. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you work from sunup to bedtime taking care of the house, cooking and cleaning 100% by yourself - especially when you are also working from home. This is a myth my hubby bought into. When he helps, it makes a HUGE difference.

My previous house was a disaster. We washed dishes as we needed them, there was trash and piles all over the floor and mail stacked up and never got read. My hubby wanted to see every piece of mail, but never got around to reading it. It was suffocating! We would clean before company came (but rarely had company over). His grandma passed away and when we picked up his bro + girlfriend from the airport, they asked to stay with us. We were mortified at the condition of our home.

Then we moved and had a child. When I had my second child, my mother in law gave me the best present EVER. She paid for a cleaning lady to come once a week for 5 weeks, then every other week for 2 months. This forced me to keep picked up. It took huge effort at first, but it's a lot easier now. Fortunately, my hubby feels she is worth it (to our marriage and sanity) to keep her, so we have worked her in to our budget. She is also a professional organizer, so she has gone through closets and cupboards for me.

I look at all of the mail when it comes in, put recycles in a basket, shred the shreddables and put my hubby's mail at his table place. If he doesn't read it that day, it goes in the trash. My kids go to bed at 8:15, so at 7:45 we stop everything and pick up the toys. I make every effort possible to get the dishes done right after lunch and dinner and try to clean while I cook (as my kids allow...). I think involving the kids makes a big difference. Not only do they provide manpower, but also learn how to do these things.

That being said, my house is not beautifully clean. We have two rooms - the office and guest bedroom - that are dumping grounds, but I am working slowly but surely to dig out from under them.

Do you have a friend who you can chore share with - you work on her house one day and yours another? Can a friend or family member watch your kids for a day (or 2) so you can start to get organized? I currently am trying to unclutter one area at a time and donate my unused items to charity. I have a friend who comes over and tells me - this would look better here, let's hang this picture, move these off of here...things I can't seem to see for myself.

If you want to chat, send me a personal message. I would be happy to provide encouragement and share stories. We clutter types have to stick together! Ha!

As the mother of four children, I feel for you. My husband has complained many times that the house isn't clean enough, even though I do my best to clean every day (with little to no help, mind you). So I've actually fixed the problem. My secret? I get a piece of paper out in the morning and make a list for the day. It is usually 20 - 30 lines. It includes time spent grocery shopping, getting kids and their backpacks/lunches ready for school, taking kids to this or that appointment, and chores around the house. I try not get overwhelmed, so I break up my list like this: 1. Vac the main floor. 2. Vac up. 3. Vac basement. 4 Empty dishwasher. 5. Fill and run dishwasher. And then, I'll put a project on the list, like reorganize the linen closet. By the end of the day, you have something to show for your efforts (the paper), and hubby has nothing to complain about. Problem solved! Hope this helps!!

I heard the same thing for years. My husband would get home from work before I did and sit on the couch and wait for me to take care of things. He is now an ex and my house is pretty clean - I think that the two are related. It was abusive in my case and he used it whenever he was unhappy, whether with the house or anything else.

I know that this doesn't help but a clean house may not be the point.

If you are doing your best in the circumstances he should be able to understand, and maybe help. It sounds like you are busy and some things are sliding, perfectly normal reaction. Cut yourself some slack and ask for help if you need it, the kids can help and so can your husbad - they all live there too.

The first thing I thought of when I read the Request was, "What is your husband doing to help?" Well, I don't know that answer...but I wonder if it's nothing. Marriage is a two-way street and that has to be really difficult if he truly doesn't help at all. I read the Little About You portion and you definitely have a full plate. I know that there tends to be traditional roles for Women and Men...but when it comes to keeping a household together (which includes the cleaning aspect), the husband and kids (if they are old enough) should definitely help Mom because you can't DO IT ALL. Cleaning and organizing can be difficult because I experience these issues myself, but it does help to have assigned chores for the kids and it teaches them how to work and if your husband pitches in to do some things around the house. I wish you the best always...I need to look into the FlyLady myself.

I am the same way! I am sorry, I know how frustrating it is.

I am not a big flylady fan. I tried it once and it was overwhelming. I do like to shine my sink though.

The best I've found so far is houseoforder.com. I had Marie come to my house about a year ago and I thought I would pass on some of the things that really helped me.
I thought that to keep my house clean I would have to clean more, she helped me to realize that I clean just as much as someone with a clean house, I'm just behind the mess instead of ahead of it. That was comforting to me.

I started making sure that the dishwasher is run every night before I go to bed. I make my bed as soon as I get out of it in the morning. In my bathroom when I am getting ready I always put what I am using away before I get the next thing out.

I figured out a laundry routine, I have sorters so that I don't have to sort clothes before I put them in the wash. I try to get them out of the dryer right away and I hang most of our clothes. It makes for a lot less ironing and it's easier for the kids to put them away. I also have a small basket for each of my kids for their unders and pjs. They are responsible for putting their own clothes away.

I have one room a day that I clean very well, So each room is cleaned well at least once a week.

Having a morning routine is really good too. I use the one from house of order. Start with 10 or 12 index cards and write one thing you would like to accomplish in the morning on each card, like make bed, shower, exercise, empty dishwasher, start a load of laundry... Every morning lay the out on the table or counter and as soon as you do one turn it over and go on the the next. It gives you a little flexibility if you have a hard time with a normal routine. And helps you to feel accomplishment.

I still do not have a clean house, but it is much better than before. One thing that I have realized since Marie came is that I have ADD and that has been a major factor in my organization and cleanliness. I have been trying different things for this and have noticed a big difference, but some of the side effects of medication weren't worth the benefit. That is a battle in itself. I don't know if this is the case for you, but it might be something to think about.
Good Luck!

You are definitely not alone in this. For years I thought that I was the only one who couldn't manage to keep my home clean and organized. I never let anyone come over because I was too embarrassed of my home, but I just couldn't find enough hours in the day to keep everything exactly the way I wanted it, so I just gave up for a while. It was very depressing. I'm a brand new Baby Flyer too, and it does work... if you do it daily. One my BIGGEST problems is consistency... I'll do great for a few days, and then something will come up (I have a 9 yr old DD and twin 5 mth old DS's) and I will lose momentum, then the house goes to hell again and I have to start all over. It's very frustrating for me, but this is my life. The Fly Lady concepts help me alot, and as long as I can stay focused, I'm ok. One 15 minute baby step at a time... good luck. ;-)

Oh, I know how you feel!! Althought my husband hasn't threatened to leave me over it (and that cannot possibly be helping you if you're like me- pressure over this issue 'paralyzes' me!), I have tended to describe myself as 'organizationally challenged'. My kids are older than yours and I have made much progress over the years. I have gotten so much help from resources like the Flylady, which you mentioned, but also Sandra Felton's 'The Messies Manual' which deals a lot with organizing and de-junking. I love her because she is a reformed Messy and totally understands what's behind the Messy mind. There are many and varied reasons for struggling with this issue. It's also hard to talk to friends about it, because there can be so much shame with it! Women tend to feel like we should naturally be good at the housekeeping thing, and many are. Those that can do this easily often think that a Messy doesn't care or is lazy. I have explained to my husband that women tend to get a lot of their identity from their homes, the way a man gets much of their identity from their jobs. My husband has also heard of my extreme frustration, lack of knowlege and feelings of failure that have accompanied my struggles over the years. He has developed compassion for me, because he has seen how I've tried and has come to understand that this is about how I'm wired, not that I'm lazy. I don't know if these kinds of conversations would help with your husband. It's a not means of justifying the states our houses can get into, but trying to help them see it's kind of like someone who struggles with their sense of direction. We don't blame people if they get north and south mixed up, we recognize it's a glitch in their thinking. And generally, someone with that issue can find ways to compensate. Just as we can. Granted, it's easier to live with someone who is directionally challenged than someone who is a Messy, because this requires living in a less-than-pristine environment. But hopefully he can learn to be a bit more patient as you learn and grow in this area? Surely he did not marry you just for your housekeepng skills! We are ALL worth so much more than that! As I mentioned, over the years I have made lots of progress- not that I've arrived or anything- and I want so much to help and encourage women who struggle with this issue. If you would like to get in touch with me, my email is ____@____.com free to drop me a line. Good luck!