Family Meeting with Live-in In-laws

Wow tough situation. I'm currently in a different but similar situation. Unfortunately my situation requires I have to evict family from my rental property. Due to circumstances I have tried to be very loving and kind and work out an arrangement which would be beneficial for the entire party if everyone cooperated. Yet I didn't ever have full cooperation. So here we are. In less than a week my family will have to move out and make their own way in the world.

In your situation here are some key things I believe you will need to make this work. Have a few different plans you can present to them. One being the fixing or getting their home liveable, second the possibility of them selling their home as is, and/or them moving back into their home. Of course there are a host of other arrangements that you can think of on your own.

Keep it positive. Thank them for the help they have provided while also letting them know respectfully what you expect from them should they continue to live with you. Let them know you will support what ever decision they make but if their plan is to continue to live with you and your husband there is going to need to be some changes. If they can't abide by these changes then something different will need to happen because in your house you need to have it run a certain way.

My guess is that while it would be wonderful for your in-laws to continue to live with you it just may not be possible. It is very difficult for people to change and it is difficult for grown ups growner than you to humble themselves enough to follow your rules in your house.

Again let them know how much you love and appreciate them by giving specific examples.

Have dates and deadlines laid out. No decision needs to be made tonight but give them a week to think of the options. Have another meeting in a week to discuss the decision they have made. Over the next week see if there have been any changes in the way they treat the kids and you and your husband and this will give you cue as to how to proceed forward.

Long story short, if they stay in your house their has to be a standard and their home needs to be dealt with even if it is fixed enough for someone else to perhaps rent it out but it really needs to go.

Have a list of the topics you want to discuss. Stick to the list, Keep it positive and make the best of it. I praying success for you all.

You are a really good, and kind hearted person, to take in your in laws like that first off.

Have you tried taking your mother in law to the side and talking to her? Tell her that you are just going to speak from your heart and ask her to simply listen. Tell her that you love them being there and your close relationship and you want to keep it that way, but you need to set some boundries.
Such as I am the childrens mother and how I appreciate the help, with them, I think its best if I dicipline them myself, or the dad. You dont want the kids starting to listen to grandma before mamma. Its confusing. Tell her its nice for them to have a grandma around for them but do her grandma job, grandmas are there to love them like crazy but not for punishing and etc. Thats parent duty. As is deciding what you can buy from the grocery store. Her input is welcomed but neccissary.
And maybe have your husband talk to your father in law about their house. Have him explain that he too loves having them around but you need more space and in order to do that they need to make a decision about their old home. They may love that house, but its done with too many problems.

If you talk to them seperatly it may come off better as your family meeting instead of a group thing.

First of all, I've never been in your situation. I think it great how you opened your home to them. I'm really close to my parents and my husband says I don't stand up to them as an adult but allow them to still treat me like a kid. They overstep their boundaries a lot with my children. They have helped me out many of times and so that's why I don't say too much. I would most start if off with the positives, then go into the trouble areas. Approach some of the sensitive areas like waking you up in the morning, that you know your MIL means well, but you are XX years old and can wake up. When it comes to your children, tell them you appreciate their help, but you are the parent. Ask how your MIL and FIL would have like it if their parents contradict the rules they made for their children. Give them some perspective. If things do get heated, then take a breather, remind everyone that we are family there is love in the room but need to come back to some order.
I really hope things work out for you!

I have invited my MIL to live with us and have for several years. My wife and I would do it in a minute, but she says she values her independence. I can understand that so we just make sure she knows she is always welcome.

If I was in your position I would write down everything I wanted to bring up in bullet point format in order of importance. I tend to forget things in the heat of the conversation. Consult with your husband so he can give you suggestions. Know what you want to do with their house. (How much it will cost to fix it up and rent it or sell it. What you want to do with the funds. OR do you want them to move back to their home?) If you want to use the funds to buy another bigger home, who will own how much? If your husband has siblings, what will you do with the funds when the parents pass away? How much did your utilities go up when they moved in? How much is a "fair contribution", dollars or labor, to the running of the home. If they are wanting to be more involved, what nights do they want to cook dinner?

You can probably think of dozens of things I haven't mentioned. I only gave you that list to help you plan.

Good luck to you and yours.

I haven't been in this situation but I would suggest making a real effort to stay calm (can never hurt) and have a list of items to discuss. In the heat of the moment when tensions rise, it is easy to skip some issues.

I would be candid about what is working and what isn't, including the need for a larger home. The reality is, their home is not habitable. They can either be proactive and attempt to sell it for a minimal gain or it could get worse and they end up taking a significant loss. As it stands, they will need to sell it "as is", which will make it even more challenging.

Write it out... who does what and when. Be clear that you value their role as grandparents, but ask that you respect your roles as parents. Establish boundaries (be clear and literal here) and sign off on it.

By brother-in-law lived with us for an extended period of time due to his financial situation and enrollment in school. Again, he was a huge help with our son who was an infant at the time and he would play with him so that I could get things done after work.

After about a month, though, I let my husband know that I was NOT his mother too and we sat down and openly discussed the situation. At the outset, I told both of them that there would be no raised voices and no petty disagreements (they are twins, so it kind of goes with their territory). We established a list of which chores he would take on- including dinner one night a week and what his responsibilities were with respect to general upkeep of his space (finished basement arranged like a studio apt). I expected him to CLEAN that room b/c it's my house and I want the space maintained. In return, I agreed that "Clean" and "tidy" are different and that I could close the door if we had company. We also put a time limit on his "rent-free" status and agreed to a monthly contribution that started two months after his full-time employment started.

In the end, having an open dialogue with "ground rules" and a written agreement saved the situation. When he moved out, he also left with a set of skills and a new found respect for taking care of what he had and the work that his brother puts into maintaining our family every day. Their relationship was much stronger and built more on mutual respect than on just family ties!

wow, what a tough situation, and how awesome you are for opening your home and now working as best you can with such a difficult set of issues.
first of all, write down your main points. you'll need to keep yourself on track during the discussion, as emotions and personalities will almost certainly fly to the surface and try to take over. keep reiterating love and appreciation. do be firm on boundary issues. and do insist (kindly and with love) that they fish or cut bait on the subject of what to do with their house.
we've had similar issues in our family, and i have to do a lot of lip-biting and slapping myself to return to a place of love and acceptance. but love and acceptance doesn't mean one has to accept whatever someone else dishes out. it means accepting differing viewpoints and compromise.
stay calm and cool, and schedule yourself a big glass of wine and bubble bath afterwards, however it goes!
and please let us know.
:) khairete
S.

A couple of suggestions: 1. go in with an open mind 2. be ready with a list of things you want to discuss, points you want to make, an action plan, etc. (will help you stay focused) 3. I would separate the issues of your MIL butting in and telling you what to do vs. the house issue - they need to be dealt with separately as 1 is more of a business transaction and the other is more about emotional space and most importantly 4. START POSITIVE and TRY to stay that way (tough one, I know). My guess is they know they should get rid of their house but they are probably attached or feel like once it's gone, they have given up their autonomy - much harder to do than you realize. It's wonderful that you give them credit for helping with the kids, etc. I would start with that and try to have a rational, calm conversation. Also, your husband REALLY needs to be on board with you so discuss everything with him 1st (maybe make that list together with him).

Wow. A lot of issues. I'd probably try to tackle the logistical issues first.
This house is crowded, too small for X amt of people to live comfortably long term. Could we pool our assets and find something with an in-law suite so you all would have your own space and privacy?

Once you decide what you need to do to accomplish that (sell your house/sell their house/decide on rent/mortgage pymt splitting, etc) I'll bet the other stuff will fall in place. They're probably thinking they're being helpful. If you're gonna live with them long term, I'm sure you have to let a lot of stuff roll off your back--and they will too! Good luck!

I stopped drinking three months ago-and really didn't want a glass of wine until now-weird. What!!!!???? You know the rules-no name calling or character assassination-if you can keep from saying to your in-laws that they royally screwed up by not taking care of their most apprecible asset-their house and they have let it fall into such disrepair that you would be fortunate to sell it to a crack family-then you are a saint. Husband must remove himself from fence and become family hero. If you are the gracious person that you appear to be in your very kind, heartfelt letter-you will have no problem describing what your vision for the blended family is going forward. When they came to live with you-you didn't hesitate now all you're asking is that they hear your side/plan.

Updated

Also-maybe they could "Quit Claim" the property to you-then you could take out a loan to bring the house up to the standards of the lender-which will be high-and the in-laws could move back into the house that they once owned-that you and your husband would own solely. The in-laws could pay you rent to cover the cost of paying back the loan. Rates are very low right now. You would have to create a lease-but as a precaution-it would be better if you could afford the loan in case they default.