Do I Allow the Bio Father Access to My Daughter?

I wouldn't let her meet him or even mention that he was trying to get in touch with her until I had spent time determining for myself if he was telling the truth. And if I had even the slightest inkling of doubt, then the answer would have to be no. And let's face it, a conversation over lattes at Starbucks isn't going to give you a real idea of the person he is now.
Even if he is trying to change, if he hasn't reached a point where he is completely trustworthy, then losing his child is simply the price he pays for his past behavior. Bad behavior has consequences, and some of them are long-lasting, and they don't go away just because you say you're sorry, even if the apology is sincere.

I think it's time to get a lawyer. IF you decide to let this happen, I would highly recommend him having to PROVE he has changed. No recent convictions, arrests, stable job history, stable living place history, paying owed child support, etc. This should be on YOUR terms. When it's convenient for your family. I think it's really important to have legal paperwork saying you have sole, physical custody. Would you really want him fighting to get her? You really should seek legal counsel. If you don't WANT him to see her, he's still her father. He could start fighting for her, which could get messy. You need to know your rights, and his rights.

Wow we are living parallel lives! Change the gender and age of our kids (mine is a 14 year old son) and it's almost the same story. My son never met his father. He moved out of the state when I was pregnant, which was in retrospect one of the best things he could have done for us. He is more than $30K behind in child support, I've received only $300 total and that was 13 years ago from a tax refund intercept, so he never made the mistake of filing taxes again. He lives completely off the grid to avoid being found...yet contacted me via FB this summer! He also claims to have grown up a lot, that he's been straight and sober for years, got married again recently to a sweet girl (I've seen her FB page...she looks like a white trash skank), works as a roadie, etc. So far I am maintaining contact to try to figure out where he lives to get child support enforcement enough info to drag him into court.

Anyway...my son has always known that my husband is not his birth father and we've spoken openly about that over the years. Honestly, he has never asked many questions and has just accepted this as an "it is what it is" kind of deal. So even without this latest development, you and your daughter need to have this kind of understanding - she has a right to know her own life story. If you've all been pretending for years, prepare for her to be a bit upset that you weren't more upfront about this in the past.

So...because my son knows about his birth father and it's not a taboo subject, I did tell him that he had reached out to me. He was mildly curious about it but this revelation didn't rock his world. Very much "oh really? Whatever..." I said that if he wanted to see what he looks like I could show him his FB profile and my son said "nah, I can find him on FB myself if I want to" and he did! My son sent him a message along the lines of "guess who this is?" and it went from there. His bio father has messaged him a few times and has actually been surprisingly appropriate in his interactions. No big dramas, just things like "hey your mom told me you're playing hockey, how's your season going?" or "wow so you're staring high school, how's Freshman year treating you?" and he did apologize for not being there for him and said that if my son ever wanted to ask him anything, to fire away and he'd answer as best he can. So far my son's responses have been minimal and casual.

At the end of the day, it'll be interesting to see how things turn out when he gets served with CS enforcement papers and needs to decide whether or not to show up to court or run again. I imagine that things won't be so friendly then but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I think you need to open up the subject with your daughter. Explain your apprehension. Don't badmouth the guy, but his absence speaks for itself. It's OK to say that you don't know him anymore, and because of that, you can't really judge whether or not he's trustworthy, truthful or reliable. Warn her that he may say things that aren't true and that she will always be able to get the truth from you. Warn her that he may very well stop contact and disappear again, so she shouldn't get her hopes up about building a lasting relationship. And then let her decide whether or not she wants to "talk" to him. I have found FB to be a surprisingly appropriate medium for this. Short messages keep things casual and cut down on drama. She can think about messages before responding and if she doesn't want to talk anymore, you can just explain that this isn't the appropriate time to try to build a relationship and end the communication. She can message through your account - you don't have to let her have her own page, and you'll be able to monitor the messages back and forth. No face to face meeting, no drama at this young age.

I wouldn't keep this information from her or you could end up later losing her trust. It's not easy, but you had a messy situation in your life (as did I) and sometimes you have to clean up spills along the way. And while I respect your husband's position, it's not HIS life, it's hers. She deserves 100% transparency in something as important has who her biological family is.

I my honest opinion it is time for you to fess up to your DD - and fast, before she becomes a teenager. Talk to the counselor at her school or hire a counselor to help you figure out how to tackle this issue and her to deal with the fallout.
Most, if not all children have a very strong sense of fairness and honesty - if you think about it, you spent years teaching her this. At 11 she is old enough to understand and feel like not telling something (because it doesn't come up and let's be honest you avoided the subject) is in effect a lie.
IMO this is not so much about her bio-dad's rights (though he certainly could enforce visitation through the courts, as visitation is decided independently of any child support issues) but about HER right to know her father. Whether or not she meets him should be up to HER to decide - and of course she needs to know that he exists.
Your DD will eventually find out, since it is not like it's a well guarded secret, and the longer you wait, the longer you are lying to her... and when she is a teen, I promise you, it will come back to haunt you. How do you expect her to trust you as a teenager when she knows that you have been lying to her for years about one of the most important things in her life?

If she decided she wants to meet him, make it a controlled situation, supervised visits in a neutral location...if you dictate the circumstance you will be a lot better off than if he decided to go to court over it (as I said in many courts it does not matter how much he owes).

It's an unfortunate situation because you have not been honest with her to begin with... the sooner you clean the air, the better.

Reading your history with this man and speaking from my own experience. I would tell him if he wants visitation.. take you to court. Plain and simple. That will show you how much he really wants to be a part of your daughters life and if he is serious.

Just wanted to add something... also speaking from experience. Just bc he is behind on CS will not change a judge's mind. They are two seperate entities. Don't feel just bc he owes that much money that is a justified reason for not allowing your daughter to see him. You didnt mention anything about visitation so it seems to me that there is none set. When my ex did the same thing to me i simply said "if you want to be a part of her life that bad, then take me to court to get visitation set"... yeah, never heard from him again.

As for your husband, "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!" He wished to be her "only" dad, but he's not.
That's reality. He knew it when he met you and he knows it now.
It's no reason to "be mad at you" because what you're feeling in your heart (that if its safe, she should know bio dad) is correct, IMO.
Try as we may, manufactured reality isn't reality .
Your daughter is 11. She "thinks your husband isn't her father "?
This child has a right to know the truth.
I would definitely meet him and assess him.
Not that your approval will be the ultimate test of visitation, contact, etc.
But I'm sure it would make you feel better.
I'm not the person I was 10 years ago. Are you?
People CAN and DO change! Here's hoping!
Good luck!

I believe the more a child is loved, the better. I believe a child can have many, many parents and that their love for their parents is a bit like the love we have with our children; you can love more than one parent at a time. The way it feels, is expressed, and is practiced all gets to feel different.

I do not believe it is always in a child's best interest to have a relationship with their biological parent.

I can't tell you what is right for your family, but I can tell you what I've decided for my mine: Words are cheap. From my perspective, and I feel very strongly about this, one needs to show (with action) change before one is given permission to interrupt a child's world.

What custody agreement do you already have? Is he, by law, able to visit her?

If not, there are stops that you can place. For example:
- I need references from a licensed mental health professional to show that you have gone through an accountability process for your abusive behaviors.
- You can begin by writing letters and, if it seems she has a good reaction to that and that you are consistent, we will consider visitation.
- I need to know that you are not using anymore. Can you please tell me about your process around this?
- I will consider it, but first we need to meet in person. I will need to understand how you have changed, what your goal is, and how you intend to meet that goal.
- How do you plan on supporting S.'s confusion and grief? She does not know you and may have an emotional reaction to your involvement in her life? What do you plan on doing to help her through this? Can you do this, understanding that she has another father?
- etc.

Before you respond, you'll want to get your response cleared with a *highly respected* family law attorney. You do not want to send anything that could be used in court against you.

BEFORE any of this, I highly suggest you begin a (series) of (ongoing) conversations with your daughter.
My suggestions for doing so:
-Do NOT use the term "Real Dad".

-Use the terms: "Birth Father/Dad" and "Every Day Father/Dad".

-Talk about how families get to look lots of different ways.
Some people have one mom.
Some people have two dads and one mom.
Some people have two dads.
Some people have a grandma.
And so on and so forth.

-Talk about how many people can love the same person.

-We talk about how sometimes grownups have an illness. There are lots of types of illness (cold, chronic, etc.). One type (i.e. mentally ill/drug addicted) can make it hard for grownups to be safe around kids. They probably love their child a lot a LOT A LOT, and this illness helps them to make choices that can be really dangerous to the people around them. Our job, as parents, are to keep our kids safe and help them to be happy. Some parents can't do that, even when they really want to, because their illness keeps them from making safe choices. ((I'm really cutting this short, just to give you an idea of what we do.))

- Most importantly: SELF CARE
This is really, incredibly hard stuff sister. It is h*** o* marriages, on parents, on children. Try to take care of yourself as best as possible. Do nice things for yourself. Remember why you left. It wasn't because you were weak, it was because you love your child and wanted to keep her safe. You make a right decision. You deserve safety and happiness. You deserve to be treated with respect. Especially by yourself.

So many hugs and so much luck,
E

Ditto Bug- time to see a lawyer. I would personally go on the adult-to-adult visit with a backup plan in mind, in case things get ugly. (Like, meet him in a public place, etc.)

Child support is a big deal and a double-edged sword. If you insist on that back support, expect that he will want a visitation agreement.

Maybe this is a time to talk to a family counselor with your husband and daughter, if you do decide to consider visits. Find out what *they* want, what their fears are. (I say this as someone who sought out their bio-dad at 13, against my mother's wishes. There ended up being a very heavy price to pay for this 'betrayal' over the next several years.) However you move forward, you want to do it together as a familym and everyone in your family needs to be supported in some way through all of this. At eleven, your daughter can be vocal about her questions and what she wants/fears about all of this.

Lastly, although you know that your daughter should have some say in this, one word of advice:Do Not Make Her Choose. Whatever YOU and your husband decide going forward, let that be on you. Making this the child's choice can raise up a whole host of resentments later on. Don't make her own this choice-- you decide, you choose. Let her be mad or glad at you about it, but please do not put it on her. At such an age, kids are very unprepared for the ramifications of such a decision and shouldn't be made to feel responsible for the emotional fallout.

If you prevent your daughter from meeting her biological father, she will hold it against you when she is older. If you allow her to have a reasonable amount of contact, she will form her own opinions.

It's probably in your best interest to reach a private visitation agreement with him. If he does call your bluff and take you to court, you get whatever the judge decides and you're stuck with it.

I understand how your husband feels, but unfortunately, this is not about him - or you. It is about your daughter.

Your husband needs to understand and trust that no matter how good this guy might be, he will NEVER take the place of your husband as your daughter's daddy. Your daughter has grown to love and trust him. He provides her with her sense of security which is where her self-esteem and her self-confidence come from. No other man stepping in at this point can replace that.

Your daughter may like her dad and she may want to have a relationship with him, but guaranteed, his place will be a nice place to visit (hopefully) but it will NEVER be home to her.

I say this with complete and utter confidence because I have gone through the same situation with my GD who is now 10.

It is important for you to talk to your daughter and make sure she really knows that her daddy is not her bio dad and that bio dad does want to see her. If she has any inclination that he may not be your hubby's child, she will want/need to know who her real dad is, not only physically (what he looks like) but who he is emotionally. If you do not allow her this opportunity or at least the opportunity to make the decision herself, she will resent you. Her bio dad will become much more attractive, kind of like a boyfriend you don't allow.

Also, there may be some traits or medical issues on that side of the family that she may need to know about. It is important that she knows from whence she came!

I would suggest that you meet with him and access the situation yourself. If he appears to be clean and on the right path, then talk to your daughter and see how she feels.

Even if he's not all that and you decide not to allow the visit at this juncture, it is still very important that you make sure you daughter knows her true origins. Keeping secrets like that can only backfire - nothing good will come of it.

I haven't read the other remarks yet. However, IF this man had really changed and "grown up", he would have started talking to you about child support and making up for the fact that he is so much in arrears. He has not. He is asking to see her and hasn't given you a dime.

I would not allow him to see her. I would not go "check him out" either. He will be on his best behavior and if you go to see him, he may very well be spurred to take you to court to try to get shared custody.

Keep to your plan. I'd be very blunt with your daughter at 18 if she is mad at you. I'd tell her that she doesn't know the kind of man her dad was, and you did. She will learn one day what adults face, and she will have to make many decisions as a mom to protect her children, just like you have. Don't back down and don't make apologies.

Good luck,
Dawn

I think meeting him first, since that is possible, and going from there is a great idea. Just try to be objective, you were both young and as we know at that age mistakes get made.

As for your husband, as much as this might hurt him, it isn't about him. It's about your dd. I am a 'step' mom, and while the thought of my children wanting to meet their bio-mom who has never had any part in their lives (they are 19 and 20) hurts. If I step back I can see why they would want to. It doesn't mean that I am any less loved, they know who is and will always be their for them, it means they have questions and those are questions I can't answer.

If there is a way to make this work now, while your dd is young, then that would be the best course of action. If you choose to wait, you will have to accept that she is going/ might to/be angry with you in the future.

Two conditions would be important to me -- he can pay back support if he wants to see her, first of all. And second, what does she want? I understand your feelings and your husband's feelings, but I don't think you mentioned her feelings. Sure, you can wait until she's 18, but he could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or relapse, or any number of things. If I discovered that my family could have allowed me to meet my real father at 11 but didn't and then that opportunity was gone for good, I'd be mad. I know 11 isn't necessarily old enough to fully grasp that situation, but I think I would talk to my daughter and ask what she wants. Her opinion matters more than anyone's.

first of all, you were not stupid-you made a mistake and linked up with a guy who was absent during the "lead and protect lesson" that was to be taught to him. He failed you and himself-pathetic. Second, you would first want to see the ex and determine if he has changed-miracles occur, but it is unlikely-it sounds as though he is playing you-men who have an interest in their children provide for them, without fail, or die trying. A four year old should not be brought in to make the assessment. Third, your husband, the man who stood up for you and pledged his love and has taken care of you and your little girl-he's the father. don't screw this up-cancel your FB account and forget about the past-God gave you the gift of a child-protect her with all you have. When she's 16 or 18-maybe then speak to her about bio dad-until then, she is a baby and not equipped to make this decision-that's what parent's do-they make decisions for their children that they feel are best for them-sometimes we're wrong-children get angry-I'd rather have an angry unharmed child than one who may be happy for a fleeting moment in harms way.

As far as the law is concerned you are going to have to allow the biological father access to his daughter. He is behind in child support but all in all that has NO bearing on his parental rights. AND if he takes this to court and proves he has contacted you about visitation and you refused it may look bad on you.

You moved away and left him no access to his child, he only found you through FB and contacted you to set up a time to see her. So a judge "might" be swayed to rule in his favor a lot since you kept her from him by your actions. Which at that time were justified but letting the courts fight it out will cost you a lot of money, especially when he files in this other town and you have to keep traveling for court every couple of months for perhaps even a year.

I would start out by talking to him on the phone and when you go to where he lives meet up with him and see what you think for yourself.

I would start to gain an acquaintance with him. Get to know him, what he has been doing these past 9 years and what ever. I would let him know straight up that you need to get to know him again before you let your daughter get to know him... your not going to introduce her to a stranger to both you and your daughter. Not having contact for so long and if he has changed then yes he is a stranger.

If you do get to know him after talking to him and meeting up with him a few time.. with or with out your husband ( I think he should be a part of getting to know him also since he has been raising your daughter) then go from there. Hopefully the bio dad understands that you and your husband is just looking out for your daughter and don't want to jump in and just hand her over and say here is your bio dad.. and take the chance of her getting hurt.

After a while of this if you and your husband feel he has changed and is in a place in his life where he would stay in her life then I would have a talk with your daughter about all of it and let her know he wants to meet her. I would also start slow with her.. talking on the phone and getting to know one another that way. Then meeting him in public places with you. Take it slow. When she is ready then they can start doing things one on one.

You may not like him ( characteristic wise), but keep those feeling out of it.. look at only if he will be a benefit in her life and will step up to the plate.

I think you should give him a shot now and not wait until 18. She has already missed out on him for 11 years.. why keep this away from her for another 7 if he is indeed changed and a decent person now. People really do and can change.

Its hard.. trust me I know its hard! My oldest bio dad walked out before I had my son and he has never met him ( but my son has seen pics of him on facebook) and my ex husband ( who adopted him) cut my son out of his life after we divorced.

If and when you start telling her about him, be honest! Stick to the facts only and as hard as it is keep the personal feelings out of it. This is going to be hard enough on her with out your personal feelings being added to it.

One other thing.. if you choose to move forward with them getting to know each other be prepared to look into a third party to help her sort everything out going on in her head. I know once my son found everything out it was really h*** o* him the longer he had to think about things. Years after the original finding out he started to act out. Once we got him into counseling we finally found out the that root of the problems was him trying to sort it all out himself... even though I was there for him 100% and he came to all the time to talk about it. He still needed the third party pov and help.

Good luck, its a hard thing to know what way is the right way to go. But remember to always go with your gut and think what is best for your daughter.

As for your husband, you need to have a very open and honest talk with him. Yes he is her dad, he was been there and loves her and raised her. But there is a whole other part of her bio family she is missing out on. Just because they meet and slowly develop a relationship ( if it happens) he just needs to be reminded that doesn't mean he is not going to be her dad anymore. He will always be her dad even if bio dad is in the picture. You can never have too many people love you!

Ooh, a toughy. During moments when I'm ready to hand my husband his walking papers, I remind myself that I lose some control over how my son is raised if we are in separate homes. I then have the luxury of going on home to my husband yet another day, which is fine because I'm glad to be with him.

I say that to say this: As difficult as I know it is to think of someone else having RIGHTS to my baby, that is the way it is. When you chose him as parent to your child--no matter how ill-equipped you were to make a good decision at that time--you essentially accepted that whatever each of you brings to the table in the way of parenting just is what it is. As long as he is not abusing her, you have no right to keep him fom parenting her in his own way, and vice versa. As mothers--and in your case, custodial parents--we think that our children belong to us and our say is the only say that counts. He has a right to parent her badly. He has a right to hurt her feelings. He has a right to disappoint her. You have a right--maybe an obligation--to soften the blows and kiss her tears away. Your husband has no rights. This is why the laws exist, so that when our judgments are clouded with emotion and foggy memories, there is something clear to go by. If you insist that your will is what's appropriate here--and I'm not saying that I wouldn't do the same--then you must at least acknowledge that you are not necessarily doing the "right" thing and be willing to accept whatever consequences go with those choices...whatever the law would hand down, resentment and anger from your daughter toward you and your husband and maybe any other children that you mght have, retaliation from her father....

I think your daughter has a right to know who her real father is. I think your husband needs to accept that and not let his feelings get in the way. No matter what, she will never have the same type of relationship with her bio father than she has with the man she considers to be her Dad.

Start by talking to the bio father yourself. Meet up with him when you travel to his city. Make it a public, casual meeting - a coffee shop or lunch. Avoid going out for a drink, since alcohol might not be best if he used to be into drugs and it might taint your opinion of him. Take it VERY slowly and be open, honest, and up front with him. Don't lead him to believe that by meeting you, or even talking to you, you're promising him a visit or phone call with your daughter.

As long as he appears to be clean, has matured, and is generally a good person now, I think you should tell your daughter about him and let her make the decision about whether to see or talk to him.

Your husband IS her father. Her bio-dad is not. She knows that. I don't know if talking to a counselor would help, but maybe go that way first, and see what happens from there. Having someone outside the situation to talk to, ask questions, and put another perspective in could be helpful. And if you do decide to let them connect, you need to see how you can confirm that he has "changed" beforehand. Having a counselor in place for your daughter to talk to if you and your husband decide to let them connect would help her as well.

I wish you the best!

I would proceed with caution. If he has truly changed (sometimes people do) then what does he want from her? If he is looking for visitation, then it should go through the court. If he wants to meet with her, does she want to meet with him? I would have a sit down with her because even if you don't facilitate a meeting now, he may contact her via social media when she is older and she needs to know about him.

I personally did not want to meet my birthfather. He was an alcoholic and my mom was afraid of him. I'm glad she told me about him, but the decision to see him or look for him was mine.

I would also talk to your DH that nobody will erase him. He may want to visit forums for adoptive parents who struggle with the idea that their kids may someday find their "real" parents. My cousin says his "real" parents are the ones that raised him. Has your DH adopted her? Would he consider it? That may be a secondary conversation to have.

Further, if he's really changed, what about the CS? Is he paying as a good faith effort in turning over a new leaf? Would he provide medical history information for her regarding his side of the family? It may be beneficial to her to know that his side has a history of cancer or heart disease.

If you see no value in having him see her at this time, then tell him that she can make the choice for herself when she is 18 but he stepped out of her life and she has a stable family and he should respect that. He would have a heckuvalot to prove if that were my DD.

I would follow the original plan and let her decide for herself if she wants to meet him. Although I think 18 is way to long I would maybe go with the age of 14 or 15. depending on the maturity level of your daughter. If you don't atleast give her that option she will have resentment towards you and your husband. I think you should meet with the bio dad to gage the situation and to see if he has changed first of all. I would show her pictures of him he can communicate thru letters until she is old enough to decide for herself.
Good luck.

I have a friend who has not gone this long without her daughter seeing or talking to her bio dad, but it is essentially the same thing. Legally speaking, he can if he wants to force you to let him talk to her. However, at 11 years old, I don't think it's you or your husband's decision to make. I would have a serious talk with her about the request, let her explain how she feels about it, express maybe your concerns (i.e. he may not have changed and may disappear again), and then if she wants allow a phone call. If he wants visitation, then he needs to fight for that himself, but a phone call may be okay. She may surprise you with her own reservations because if she understands that there is a bio dad out there not supporting her, she may be just as hesistant to actually interact. But, I think at this age she needs to be included in the conversation.

I'd tell him that you'd feel better having the courts set up the rules regarding visitation. IF he has really changed, he will file for visitation rights, which will also mean that he has to go in front of a judge while he's 21,000 behind in child support and also most likley will have to pay an attorney. If he does file, you can request an increase in child support and supervised visitations given his lack of contact with your daughter and likely receive it. Your daughter's biological father has a legal right to see her, visit with her and to know her if he so desires He also has a responsibility to provide fianancial support for her. Legally, you cannot withhold visitation based on being behind in child support. However, you know this man has previously been manipulative and abusive...I wouldn't have anything to do with him that isn't required by a court order. When your daughter is 18, she can decide further.

Yes, you should take your husband's thoughts and feeling into consideration.

Have you considered asking your daughter how she feels about the situation? She's old enough to make a decission as to whether or not she wants to speak on the phone to bio dad. I see no reason in why you would want to wait until she's 18. That's way too late. If she does want to talk to him, at age 18 she will be furious that you kept them apart. Also, while she's younger you can help guide her and keep her safe, just in case he hasn't changed. You could be present when she talks to him and put the phone on speaker.

There's a good chance bio dad has changed. Everyone goes through huge chances and maturity levels from age 18 to age 30.

Do some snooping while your in his town. See how he has grown into a responsible person. If he has not you have your answer.