Discipline with 3 Year Old

You are asking a wonderful question, A., and are realizing that you really need some new information about how your daughter functions so you can set a more effective course for the two of you. Lots of parents don't realize how immediate young children are. They are not planners, and rewards that stretch out much beyond a day really don't connect for them in a meaningful way.

I suspect that your rewards chart worked really well at the beginning because the earning of the star itself was the reward that your daughter connected with. She gets a star (kids like stickers) and you are happy. Perfect! The promised future reward is still vague and abstract in her mind. Particularly if it will take more than a day or two of effort to achieve it, and even more so if her stars that she earned can be taken away from her. So whatever interest she had in the larger goal fades – she does not believe in it, because it will never arrive.

Oh, well, may as well have whatever fun we can have now. At least making independent choices is a bit of fun and freedom, even if there are abstract consequences.

The best discipline is immediate, as positive, and and as logically connected as possible to the original misdemeanor. Make a mess? Help clean it up. Push a child? Do something nice for that child. Yell at mommy? Take some quiet time to calm down.

To fail to be loving toward a child is always a mistake. Not that you can't be angry at some things she does; we all have feelings and even parents have buttons that can get pushed. But it's necessary to have your own buttons set back at neutral when you decide what consequences the child should receive – discipline is best delivered with a calm, loving demeanor. You really want your child to know she is unconditionally loved, to trust you and to know what to expect from you, to be able to talk to you about what she is feeling – you will need this strong connection as she becomes more independent.

Depriving a 3yo of play or fun is not a particularly appropriate consequence, if it stretches beyond a very short time span. Deprivation piled on deprivation quickly becomes meaningless. One hour to a child is like a day to an adult. Two days to a child is like a month to an adult. And play is a childen's work; it's how they learn, how they synthesize all their experiences into a meaningful whole.

Your 3yo is doing what a 3yo MUST do, finding out how to be a more independent person. She's in a 2 year period from which she will emerge a much different and more capable person, able to exert some real self-control over her feelings and reactions. She needs your help to get there.

The parents I know who have investigated Positive Parenting, Positive Discipline, Emotion Coaching, and similar terms have had fabulous results, learning not only about their children but about themselves, as well. You can find these and related links in a google search, and some particularly fabulous books that teach these are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish; Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and a very helpful website called Ask Dr. Sears (here's a page on discipline: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp ). A book that you might find particularly meaningful is Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD.

You'll hear from parents who believe in spanking as the cornerstone of good parenting, and they may complain about lenient and permissive parenting that lets kids run wild. Positive discipline is NOT lenient, it must be applied persistently to work (just like spanking), but it simply believes we don't have to strike, overpower, or shame children to make them behave. In my experience, and that of quite a few families I've known, positive parenting results in terrific kids and wonderful family relationships. I hope you will investigate it. And now is the perfect time!

3 year olds are unique. I know the saying is "terrible twos" but in my experience it's the 3 year olds who raise defiance to a new level. With 2s it's cute and funny, but with 3s it feels personal, but it's not. If you think about it as a very necessary period of development and differentiation, it's actually very healthy, but not fun, for sure. What has helped me is to remember 3 is like having a little teenager (some of the same hormones are taking their toll that will return later) and to just be consistent. Also, concepts like later and tomorrow are still very difficult for them to understand (even my 5 year has trouble with tomorrow), so I would recommend immediate consequences (see Love and Logic website for ideas) and then move on. At this age, your consistency won't necessarily bear fruit today or tomorrow, but when she's four and five, she'll have figured out that when she misbehaves you don't let it slide and she'll know to expect a consequence. Good luck!

It's hard to say it all in this post, but How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk will help if you are up to get out of your comfy zone. I thought it was unnatural and took a lot of practice. I had so many pages ear-folded haha.
I am still mastering it so that's why it's hard to just say what the book recommends, but it is very effective. My daughter wouldn't sweat a bullet if her toys were taken away, although she can't stand time-outs. When she used to get time-outs (doesn't need em since I got that book) I used to buckle her in her high chair so she couldn't run away :)

You don't have to give cold shoulder or be over playful. When she had time-outs I would ask my 2 1/2 yr old what she did and she always told me. We talk about what to do instead. I told her I love her and give a hug and she's all good. When I started mixing in the book I mentioned the time-outs just phased out b/c she didn't really need them anymore. When I watched super nanny (such a good show lol) they would use a flower pot and fake flowers, maybe since it is bigger it might be more of a prominent reward system or maybe the reward needs to be changed to something she enjoys now. Most people recommend using quality time instead of toys/candy as a reward, like extra play time with mom so quality time b/c more important than material stuff. Also, if the time-outs don't work b/c she's running away super nanny would take their hand and put them back without a word and no emotion (anger), sometimes it took an hour but they would finally realize that they have to do the time. Good luck :)

Great post Peg

I know you feel overwhelmed, but every parent with a 3 yr old will tell you it is the worst age that side of the teenage years! I think you have some great advise here. I really wanted to say "Bravo" for seeking more positive ways of discipline. So many of us just repeat the same mistakes. When we are young we think if we really love a child they will just fall in line without a problem one. Boy are we wrong! They go through lots of stages of growth and defiance. ALL of them do. These next 2 years are going to be tough, but she needs you to figure this thing out now. 5 is a great age! Live for 5!
Reward yourself at the end of the day because this is one of the toughest jobs anyone ever does, also the most rewarding when you do it right!

I used a very tiny switch, just as my mother did. Once my children experienced that switch (which cannot injure, but merely stings for few seconds) they didn't want to experience it again. I kept it on top of our refrigerator. All I had to do is reach for it, and they were saying, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again!" End of battle.

FYI, threes are much worse than twos! That said, you are giving too much attention when she won't stay in time out. Just keep putting her back, without speaking to her, until she stays and serves her time. She needs to apologize for her behavior afterward. Give her a hug and move on. She will eventually get the message.