Dealing with Joint Custody/weekend Visits

I wish we knew the age of the child and the frequency of the visits with dad that has been established, every weekend/every other, etc. If he's young, that would make him maybe want to stay with mom but if he's older, he might just prefer to stay in his regular routine. My parents always worked out the details that would suit me best to keep me happy which they were determined to do for my benefit. I was 4 and would only visit for one day (no night) each weekend (maybe 9-6) and that worked well, then as I got older it was everyother weekend from Sat. 10-Sunday 5. By the time, I was about 10-12, I was involved in lots of school activities and would tell my dad on the phone that I couldn't come because I had plans with friends. He wasn't ever happy and would sometimes fuss to my mom, but he let it slide and kept paying child support. Mother would insist that I go at least once a month for a weekend and I would always have a good time so it was good for us all and kept us close. See if you can work out something with the son and dad that will help them to stay in touch but maybe work better.

He has to go! This is court ordered and not a casual day with his friends. Dad is his parent and just because you do not live together doesn't mean that the child can choose which parent he wants to see and who he doesn't. As mom, it is your job to encourage this very important relationship. This is of course assuming dad is not abusive or neglectful. It is too heavy a burden for a child to decide when to spend time with a parent. All these people who are saying they wouldn't make their kids! What if your kids didn't want to go to school? What if you were the noncustodial parent? Communicate with dad. Together you can help your son be more comfortable. Dad should try making special plans on he weekends so the child knows there is something to look forward to.

S., I have two boys and I can see that if my husband and I were divorced, my kids would not want to go to Dad's house (or Moms) because it would be a break from their routine or the activity they were currently involved in. PLus, I suppose the house is differnt, the playmates are different, the expectations are differnt. Many boys don't like things being "different" at all. It may have nothing to do with Dad. I would STOP buying him special gifts for his return. That is confusing him. Simply expect him to go, expect him to have a good time and expect him to be respectful. Don't try to "talk him into it" because he has no choice. Of all the things I make my boys do- and its a lot!- they always admit later that they had a good time. Good luck.

Is something going on at the dad's house to make your son not want to go there, is the first question you need to ask. If not, if it is he just doesn't want to go over there. This is what my brother did with his girls when they didn't want to go see their mother. My brother has Custody.

He told them they had to call their mother and explain to her why they don't want to come over for their weekend with her.

So, tell your son if he doesn't want to go that it is okay with you, but HE needs to call his dad and tell him why he is not coming over for his weekend visit.

Hey S.,
I am so sorry to hear that you and your son are going through this. My son is almost 12 now and I have been dealing with it for 7 years. I wondered how old your son was and what the relationship is between he and his dad and you and his dad. That has alot to do with it. I would like to share with you some things that helped us. Some things we got advice and help from my son's family counselor and some were trial & error. Let us know his age and relationship status so I can see if my experiences will help you.

There are some really good articles on dealing with child issues and helping your son through these rough times at http://www.emofree.com/articles.aspx?id=9

Good luck.

M. :)
www.enidmg.com

dont make him go if he dont want to ask him if there is something that makes him like that

Hello S.,
I have dealt with his for years now. I have a set of 16 yr.old twin boys that rarley go to thier dads to visit anymore. The older they have gotten the less they choose to go. I of them goes about once a month and the other one goes maybe once every three months or when his dad calls him and guilts him into coming. The older they have getten the less I have been involved about wether or not they go. Since about 12 I have let them make up there own mond because if he pushed a court battle the judge would just ask the boys what they wanted to do? Of course as they have gotten older thet have more things to keep them home, school activities, part time jobs, and of course girlfriends.
I don't know if your son is old enough to make this choice yet but it has worked out well for us.
I used to hate it when the boys left and were not eager to go, but when they return they may not have had the best weekend but always had one good story to tell. My boys don't like the step mom, but their dad ives close to his mom so they spend lots of time with her since she is now widowed. They usually have a big family dinner on Sundays and they enjoy seeing the cousins and hanging out. If your ex lives close to some family you might ask him to let your son visit with them as well on the weekends he has visitation. I believe that children need to be with family on each parents side.
I am not so sure that the gift giving is a good idea, some kids would learn to use that. If the dad knew it he could turn it around on you and buy the child bigger nicer fancier toys to get him to come visit and that would just cause more problems.
I know how hard it can be but try talking to the dad, and let your child talk to the dad alone and maybe work out an alternitive schedule, just one night and day every other weekend and if you live close maybe one evening visit a week.
Hope this has helped
M.

I know that separation and/or divorce is difficult, but there must be some reason that your son does not want to go with his father.

My son would visit his father for years and would act so different and I never understood why. It wasn't until after his step-mother and father got divorced that I learned that there was awful fights that went on there during his weekend visits. Then I learned that his step-mother abused drugs and his father was an abusive man.

I never knew any of that because my son could not tell me. When I learned the truth, things changed and I did not make my son go see his father unless he wanted to.

I am not saying that you have any of this to deal with, mearly sharing my experience and explanation as to why children often dont want to do things for very good reasons that we might not be aware of. Find out before there is any real trauma. At the age of ten my son came home very angry with his father and that never changed. He is 26 now and is still angry with his father. I don't know what happened that weekend, but it changed there relationship forever.

Good luck and God bless you.

well my brother use to get weekend visits with his son a while back and it hurt more than anything he ever had to deal with. my suggestion would probaly not just give him gifts but see if the two of you can work something out not just every weekend switch up maybe he can stay with you when he wants to stay with. not sure if you said that you work on weekends or not but really see if both parents can work another agreement out.maybe see why he doesn't want to go there. ask the father if he is spending one on one quality time with his son.

i would see why he does not want to go if it is because his dad is more strict you should not bribe him to follow his dads rules his dad should be rewarding him. when i was little my dad was just mean bc i was a girl so i hated being with him and he did not much like having a girl around, now he is better and loves coming to see my girls. i would talk to dad and see if he can talk to son and maybe just them do things together to rebuild the relationship. dad will most likely feel bad if he knew his son does not want to be there.

I don't know how old your child is but my parents divorced when I was in 7th grade and I completely felt like my preteen life had been abruptly hijacked and was highly offended. I flat out told my parents if they forced me to do the whole weekend thing I'd grow up and never visit either one of them again. I told them I was a lot more fun to be around if I was there by my own free will. I had friends and tons of things I wanted to do and I felt like my weekends should be time for me to get some free time instead of spend the weekend making my dad feel like he was being there for me. If the child doesn't want to go they obviously are uncomfortable for a reason, find out what it is.

My boys would love weekends with daddy but he only wants them one weekend a month. They want to spend the whole summer with him but work comes first. He just doesn't realize that someday he'll be old and I truly believe your children will likely take care of you like you took care of them. If he keeps them at a distance they will learn to do the same to him.

When it's the weekend for your son to go to his dad's it helps if you build it up to him. If you get him excited about going like Oh, you get to go see your dad this weekend, you'll have a good time, etc...... it may help some. If he thinks you are sad that he is going it makes him feel guilty. I would probably not do the gift thing. He's not going to have a good positive weekend if he is just waiting to get home for a gift from you, or thinking that you are sitting at home sad. I tried to never say anything negative about my daughters dad or her weekend visits. I hid my emotions until after she was gone, then eventually you will get used to the visits and enjoy the little weekend breaks.

If you have a good relationship with your ex you could talk to him about what your son is saying. When talking to the ex, be as cordial as possible. If your son is coming back telling you things, then he will probably go tell his daddy something negative that happens when he is with you.

Another thing to keep in mind about the visitation weekends is, you wouldn't want your son to tell his dad that he doesn't want to go back home to you....for example (because you make him clean his room, etc.....) My daughter is 14 now, but I have been through all of this before.

If he is being mistreated at his dads, you will know. I hope this helps.
A mom from Louisiana.

First I would find out why he doesn't want to go to his Dad's
for visitation, has something happened there that you need to
know about? Talk to your son, really talk to him.

hello S.!

Our daughter has been going through this with our grandson. Both have lived with us almost since his birth. First, be sure there are no "reasons" the child does not want to go. Our grandson says his daddy frightens him as well as other issues that the court will not address because of lack of "proof." Don't know the age of your child but if he can talk about it, let him without cutting the other parent down.

The answer, I think would depend upon the age of your son and more importantly why doesn't he want to visit his dad? What does he do with his dad on the weekends for recreation and entertainment?

Ask him why he doesn't want to go, find out if there is anything that would make him feel more comfortable (i.e. does he lack his own space at his father's house). How old is he? Sometimes a court may let the child decide what they want for visitation, but I think the age for that is usually around 14. So, unless there is a specific reason that he is in actual danger with his father, you can't just not send him as someone suggested. You will be in violation of the court order.

I know it is often difficult dealing with an ex, but the best case scenario is you express to him that you are genuinely concerned and want to help make it an easier transition for your son because you think that their visitation together is important and you feel badly that he does not seem to want to go. The trick to this is to not make the ex feel as though you don't want your son to go, and to never put your son in the position where he feels like he has to choose...you must find a way to address with ex, such that ex doesn't feel the need to confront your son in an accusatory angry manner.

Keep in mind that a lot of kids dislike visitation because they miss out on those things they normally have with the primary custodial parent...a regular day at the park, watching a favorite team or time with a friend who lives near by. If this is the case, hopefully your son would feel comfortable expressing this to you, then maybe you and your ex can find a way to incorporate those things into his weekend. However, since the purpose is for time with his dad, and his dad is perfectly entitled to have his own rules, your son may also just have to get used to the idea that things are not going to be the same in both houses. Maybe even having a list of things that he would like to do with his dad would help, then each visitation they could try to cross something off?