Daughter Lying

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My son does this too and it really bugs me because it's usually over the small things too. I just try to tell him to tell me the truth and we can talk about the situation calmly. I tend to over react and when I yell he doesn't hear a word I say so when I sit and talk to him about why he would lie and if there was a reason he did what he did then it helps for the moment. Other than that I am just at a loss too.

My son is a lot younger (5) but we've had to deal with this some. What we've started doing is a distinct punishment for lying in addition to the consequence for the infraction.

Recently my son told me he had a Green day at school when he actually had a Yellow day (scale Green/Yellow/Red). He had to face the consequence of having a Yellow day, no extra activities that night. In addition he lost gum for a week for lying (gum is very popular in my house :))

If she lies about eating breakfast:
Breakfast is served to her again for lunch, and dinner if need be, as a consequence for not eating.
She has to clean the kitchen as a punishment for lying.

I am sorry, I have no real advice on making the lying stop. BUT! - I recently read a great book called Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager. It is FASCINATING to read why/how teens do what they do and helps us as parents to put it all into perspective. I remember lying being addressed in the book. I know it is hard to imagine that this could possibly be a symptom of teen, or pre-teen behavior, but unfortunately, it probably is. So I guess my advice is to read the book so you will get a firm realization that first of all, you are not alone, and secondly, the reasons they may or may not be doing this....which may or may not be able to be controlled. It helped me in my pre-teen issues immensely just in altering my perspective a bit! Good luck to you all! :)

It sounds like a phase where it's more about exerting her own independence and control, rather than a sign that she's going to be lying continously from here on.

She's 10, she does need parental guidance, but it's so different from now on... your job as parent is changing and you have to re-think the strategies. Whether or not she ate breakfast is really not important.... she's probably not starving... so don't ask. The same with brushing her teeth. Yes, it's gross, and you do pay the dental bills, but a cavity is a really good learning experience.

Yes, lying is a very big deal. So don't ask questions over simple things with "yes/no" responses. Open conversations up where she can choose a little control.

Try asking "what do you think about breakfast?" As a mother of 3 teens, I know the answer from my darling trio might be, "you are soooo weird, why do ask those things?" or "I think it's stupid." or "uhm, yeah, where is it?" At least, it engages them and they can't just brush off the answer, which is likely what your daughter is doing. She wants some independence and control and she sees your questions as bothersome.

Talk to her about things she's interested in, give her the chance to talk to you and tell you things and at least she'll have less opportunity or motivation to lie.

Good luck!

My ten year old has a friend that she seems to always act like after they spent the night together. I had to sit my daughter down and tell her that she is her own person and acting like someone else. It has worked a little but I think with time..and little knowledge she will relize she can be true to herself and still have friends.

J., I am going through the same thing! My 11 year old daughter has started lying all of a sudden too. It is breaking my heart, and like you, I have done the punishing thing. But I think what has affected her the most is emphasizing to her how hurtful it is that I can't trust her. Since she is getting older, she is starting to look forward to being able to do 'teenage' stuff in a few years, wearing makeup, hanging out at the mall with friends, etc. But I am making it clear that there will be none of that because she is proving to me that she is not trustworthy. I spend a lot of time explaining that getting older doesn't automatically mean that she will get special privledges, she has to earn them. But with her lying to me now, she is already showing me that she may not be ready for big girl privledges for a long, long time. I'm trying very hard to really communicate with her that she gets to choose what kind of person she wants to be, and that no one wants to be friends with liars, no one wants to hire liars for jobs, and no one wants to be around liars in general. So I think continuing to communicate and dialogue about it will eventually make a difference. I think its just a phase that, as long as we stay on top of it, will pass and our girls will not grow up to be big fat liars. Hope this helps.