Consequences for Teens

If this isn't working what does she hate to do? Cleaning the bathroom, pulling weeds, doing extra homework? You gotta give her a punishment she doesn't want to do, like cleaning the bathroom for a month, DAILY. Anything that grosses her out DAILY. I'd also visit the school counselor and try to get a handle on this. If she is a twin and the other is the angel maybe it's for attention(black sheep theory) However I would try very hard not to compare her to her sister that would make her revolt more. Good luck!

I think 3 months is too long, you will lose the reason for the punnishement and instead of learning she'll J. find ways around it, i would instead of punnishing her, make her volunteer at a soup kitchen (i worked at all of these places and each made M. feel great, the soup kitchen at the ids tables did the most for M. though), or orphange, homeless shelter with most of her spare time..., or send her to build homes for a week, this way shes still doing something productive rather than J. finding ways to escape or lie...maybe she'll meet good friends/boys there, or find something motivtional??

If she's acting out while around friends, then she obviously needs to be spending more time with family. My children spend very little time out with friends. They might go to a movie. When the movie is over, I pick them up. They like to go to dinner with friends. We go as families. We meet at a restaurant. The kids get their own table, the adults have theirs.
The phone - take it away.
The computer - take it away.
If she can't communicate with her friends, that's the worst punishment.
Don't allow her to do anything but school activities and you be there to be sure she's doing what she is supposed to be doing. She is obviously sneaky - but not sneaky enough, as she got caught!
Give her chores to do around the house with you. Spend time with her. Make her wash windows, fold laundry, rake out the garden -- whatever! Kids hate chores. :-)
You might volunteer together - as a family - somewhere where she can see people who have it far worse than she does - soup kitchen, cancer ward, etc. She needs to see that doing for others makes her feel better than stealing, drinking, and boys.
If worse comes to worse, you can take everything (clothing, electronics, door, chair, everything...) out of her room except her mattress, pillow, and blanket. She'll need to earn it all back including her door. Trust me - the door is important to her.
You need to do whatever it takes.
Grounding for 3 months -- it's a bit long. I'd limit her time with her friends to zero for a long time. She can earn a trip to the movies or dinner at Mc Donalds or something... Tell her that you can't trust her and that she's got to earn it back by proving she is trustworthy.
YMMV
LBC

I wouldn't do the grounding at all. But, we have never done time-outs or groundings. They don't work to change the child's heart. All they do is teach the child to sulk and get along just fine without your fellowship. She needs you and your husband (assuming you are married) to pour your lives into hers. That means time. That means doing things with her. That means being a family, not a group of individuals who happen to have the same address. Of course, I have no idea what your home life is like, but it is apparent that something has gone wrong here. How much time does her daddy spend with her? Does he teach her, talk with her, do things with her, pour his life into hers? Apparently, the average father spends about 5-10 minutes, max, a day with his children. 5-10 minutes! No wonder they are out of control and doing their own rebellious things! I will say that she will probably bristle against spending time with the family when she is used to having those needs met by her peers, but it is worth it. I would cut off all outside influences and do fun things together. Go on hikes, go camping, go on bike rides, work around the house, teach her to sew (you can get her lessons at JoAnn's if necessary), teach her to bake bread. If you don't know how, learn together. Learn to live together, pour your life into hers. It will require great sacrifice on your part, but it is worth it. For the record, I have 3 teenagers (18-14), and none of them have rebelled. We have a very close-knit family. We are not perfect! We have issues that we have to deal with because everyone has personal issues that rear their ugly heads on occasion, but overall, it is sweet between all of us. We are able to deal with the things that come up quickly because we are very aware of when they are starting to sprout. It is hard, it is time consuming, it requires great sacrifice on our part, but it is sooooo worth it! You can do this. You CAN get this back from her. She has lost a lot of her innocence, it would seem. But, perhaps some can still be salvaged.

When my boys were your daughter's age, they were either at home, school, at sports, church, scouts, etc and we were there with them. They didn't ride a bus, I took them to school, and picked them up. We went to their sports practices and events. Their friends all came to me for affection, when they were hungry, having crisises and with their injuries. Their parents weren't there....

What I am trying to say is, be there for her. Be in her life, share it.

Get rid of the cell phone, computer time, and free time with friends. Her friends can join her in your presence, come to your house, go to the mall with you, etc. But no going off places with them. Let her go on supervised outtings with friends when parents are present. Instead of grounding, change the lifestyle....

Good Luck.

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You have a much bigger issue here... you've taken away her electronics and socializing for a month and she is still acting out in a highly alarming ways. You need to find something that is far more severe than what you are currently doing b/c she's looking for the outer limits of her boundaries.

Take everything away from her- even her right to select her clothing. Take everything out of her room except her bed, a lamp and maybe a nightstand. Lay her clothing out for her the night before and she goes to school and immediately home until she can prove to you that she is able to make choices. Homework is done at the table, then dinner then either in her stripped room for the night or with the family spending time together. When she starts demonstrating her ability to make good choices (does the homework in the living room w/o arguing, helps you clear the table w/o an attitude, starts showing you that she respects you, your home and most importantly herself) you allow her to regain control over some parts of her life. One choice at a time with socializing outside of the house and the cell phone being held until the very end.

Until then, you make her choices- all of them- b/c she is not mature enough to make them. Be warned that her behavior will get worse before it gets better when you apply a more restrictive consequence. For a punishment to work, it needs to be immediate and impacting (meaning it has to upset her enough to deter her from engaging in the behavior again).

When my 15 yo starts to become mouthy I know I have not been giving her enough of me. She needs me to sit and talk to her, take her to the grocery store for "our" time, just hang out and listen to her.
Your daughter may be acting out to get attention from you or your hubby.
If twin sister is always good and getting more time with you then she ( the defiant one ) may be feeling left out. Negative attention is attention.

Spend time with her.
Sit on her bed on Saturday morning and just chit chat.
Take her fo a mani/pedi, just her, not sis
My 15 yo loves to go grocery shopping with me, because the other two don't and won't come.
Take an interest in what she is doing, classes she is taking, her friends

My hubby has a book called "The Five Love Languages" It';s actually for us but it is a real eye opener when you realize that your teen daughter isnt'a touchy feely girl and needs your time. Or your son is a gift and just the gift of french toast for breakfast fills his emotional love tank. Or the other one is a "do for others" kid and needs things to be done for her, like a chore.

Hmmm, I would say call your county's Juvenile Hall and see if you could bring her down and have them give her a little tour and show her the grounds she would be in if she doesn't shape up! I'm sure the embaressment will crack her and make her wise up! While your there ask them if she can do community service for them!

Hi C.,

Silly question..... but does she know how to NOT follow along with her friends... even if she wants to? I mean... REALLY - has she been talked with about how it feels to see all your friends doing something and you really want to do it to fit in, or you really want to do it because you're curious about what it's like? Does she understand what options she had to get out of one of the toughest situations she'll ever be in?

I personally wouldn't ground her for 3 months. I think that becomes ineffective and, as you've said, isn't working anyway.

Instead of more punishment..... can you give her DISCIPLINE, which is giving her the tools to do what you WANT her to do?

Did you ask her why she did it? Did you ask her why you were upset with her behavior? it sounds like she doesn't understand. Because if she really understood that you are scared by the choices she is making because you understand the severe consequences that they could have on her life.... she wouldn't be doing it. That's not naive talking. I mean she has to REALLY understand. Which means you have to REALLY TALK to her.

Good Luck.

Oh my, I could have written this post a few months ago! I feel your pain. The first time it happened in our house we grounded her for a month. She did have her phone after 2 weeks and we did let her boyfriend come over 1-2 times a week. The second time this happened she was grounded for almost 2 months. She too told me that grounding, etc does not work for her. I told her it does for me and if this does not stop she will be stuck in the house the rest of her sophmore year of HS. We also randomly drug test her (it picks up alcohol) so she's too afraid to drink now.

I am amazed though at the amount of parents that permit this type of behavior at such a young age. And even buy them alcohol and host the party.

Have you asked her what she thinks an appropriate discipline would be? A month of grounding isn't enough to deter her from theses risky behaviors - maybe she has a better idea? Clearly we dont know you or your daughter, so it may be impossible to have a conversation like that (or with any teen for that matter). I was an awful teen (12- 15)... part of it was normal teen issues, much of it was hanging with the wrong friends, and also parents who were having significant marital problems. At 15 she has the capability to reason, but certainly not the life experience to know what to say "yes/no" to, nor the savvy to get herself out of a bad situation. I would recommend doing some family counseling with a great therapist.

Well gee, grounding and other things, just do not work with her.
What a tough nut to crack.

Maybe somewhere, even if she doesn't know herself, she is needing attention?
Is she overshadowed by her twin sister? Compared to her?
She wanting to be her own person and not the same, just because she is a twin? That she is separate?
Does she get treated the same or different than her twin?
Sometimes these small innuendos, really affects a kid... we may not see it, but they do... and in a magnified way.

What about you put her into child Therapy or Counseling?
Better to do these things NOW... before she gets older and maybe worse... or it escalates.

Has anyone just tried talking with her... not lecturing or scolding, but just seeing her thoughts/ideas/hopes/fears/ideals etc.? Is she accepted for who she is?

She seems of course, to have emotion based issues... thus she acts out this way.
Or she just doesn't care and is caught up in all the things other kids are doing.

What are her friends like? Their parents?

She seems out of control....

I don't have any answers.
But, I think putting her into some kind of Therapy or Counseling would be a good start.

Hi C.,

ugh, the decisions made by teenagers ..

I had some pretty serious problems with my son, he wasn't quite 15 yet .. but none the less.

He was on "lock down" for a solid year. Home directly after school, no friends over, no going outside, no cell phone, TV out of his room, the only computer usage was on the computer in the family room.

Yep, he was cut-off from everything. Initially it was torture for him (for me too) but he eventually fell into the routine. His grades went up (way up - he's been on the honor roll for the past 3 years) and his behaviour and attitude are both much improved.

They will definitely NEVER say it to you, but they need and want you to step in and take back the reins when things get out of control. They may act like they know everything .. but really they're just a few years past from a little 10 year-old. Alcohol, taking risque pic's .. these are adult situations .. a child simply doesn't know how to handle them.

This is where parenting gets hard, but this is where your action and decisions really become important.

I also use the random testing .. I actually leave one on the counter in the kitchen as a constant reminder to my son and his friends.
good luck

Haven't read the other post but it sounds like your teen needs a little more than just being grounded. Talk to your local police department for help. Perhaps they can put a little fear in her about breaking the law. I've seen this work wonders first hand. If the police department is willing, they may show her the kick butt, dirty, scarely part of where she is headed if she doesn't cleanup her act. Good luck!!

let her deal with the police if she doesnt care about grounding. Let her deal with the fine or juvie. See if that gets her to think differently about her actions

I don't think three months is too long. I know my girlfriend's daughter was actually taken to the hospital for drinking was pretty much tied to her hip for the whole summer - two summers in a row...so yes they do not learn. Stay strong, this shall pass. Just a thought, not sure if this would work, but perhaps have her do some community service.

I kinda think 3 months is a bit too long...HOWEVER, I would absolutely be throwing in some SERIOUS manual labor for her to do while serving her 1 month of being grounded!!!!!

Taking away the electronics and making them clean is usually the worst of the worst, as far as teens go....so I would hit her where it hurts for sure!

I agree with taking away the media and electronics and the having her volunteer for the 3 months is an awsome idea, although you will have to spend the energy in making sure she will show up and not skip out early on the volunteer projects.

Update: What Margie M stated makes a lot of sense.

Ok my question is why aren't the consequences working? I would think a teen who lost those privledges would be freaking out. What is going that she is doing these things? Rebelling? What reasons is she giving you for trying smoking and alcohol etc...I think this is a cry for sometime of help..an underlying issue which may have nothing to do with you as a parent.

I have a tough time with this myself and when I addressed the problem with her counselor, he told me that long punishments almost never do any good. It's not about how long you punish them, it's about them getting the point, in fact, the longer punishments tend to be counterproductive according to him.
For whatever it's worth. I always try to take away the priveledges she most enjoys. Good luck.