I have recently became a coach for my daughters soccer team. She has been in soccer for the past 3 years and she is 8 years old. I felt that she wasn't getting all that she could out of the sport and she loves it so much that I decided to coach myself.
I really tried to start out the season with good communication. That is one thing that I lacked with previous coaches. However, the parents are just too much to handle! I need to reschedule two games due to scheduling conflicts. I have had plans to do two other sporting events out of town for at least 6 months. As soon as I received the soccer schedule I sent it out in an email to the parents. I also advised them in the same email that I would need to reschedule these two certain games.
I have already received an email from one of the parents that he is concerned that I am having to reschedule 2 games. This same parent didn't want to sign a parent code of conduct because he "already knows how to conduct himself". I never said that I was just going to cancel the games, but that I would reschedule. I am volunteering my time and not getting paid for this. Just because I am a coach doesn't mean that I don't have a life outside of soccer. I have a husband, 3 very active kids and a job! I haven't replied back to the concerned parent because I didn't want to say something that could escalate this situation.
Here is another instance. Instead of getting trophies for the kids I thought that team t-shirts with their names on the back would be cool. My daughter thought that was a cool idea too. I announced that instead of getting a trophy that we are going to get team shirts this year. Then came the comments that trophies are cool too. I understand that. However, I was trying to get something that the girls would use a little more. It has been a struggle to get the parents to respond to how the girls would like their name to appear on the back of the shirt.
There is a shortage of coaches and now I can understand why. I really have a good time with the kids and they seem to have fun too. Are any of you a coach? Have you had to deal with other parents? How do you handle these parents? Should I just reply to the concerned parent that I will let him know when the games will be rescheduled and leave it at that?
So this is what I decided to do...
I sent the "concerned" parent an email that was a little stern, but yet fair. I explained that I have made a tremendous effort to keep everyone informed with information as soon as I get it. This is something that I have lacked with coaches in the past. I also told him that he is more than welcome to coach the two games so that we don't have to reschedule them. He responded back to me and totally changed his tune! He is going to jump in and coach the two games now.
I realized that I was taking all of this too personally. This is supposed to be fun and most of all this is supposed to be about the kids. I really have a blast with the kids during practice. We have our first game this Saturday and I am looking forward to it. All of the girls get along great.
I sent an email today letting everyone know that I have taken care of the schedule conflict and all games will go as planned. I actually had one parent reply and tell me that I was doing a wonderful job and that her daughter thinks that I am pretty cool too. When she replied she actually replied to everyone and not just me.
As for the shirt issue. I now think that the shirt was a great idea. I know that I can't please everyone. If I did the trophies then there would be someone saying 'Oh, another trophy blah, blah, blah'. My daughter loves the shirt idea better than the trophy idea so I am going with it.
Thanks for all who responded! All of the input was great!
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. Keep up the good work. It sounds like you're a great coach. As for the T-shirts, I'm totally about it. How many trophies have I thrown out? I hope it gets better for you. I'd love for you to be able to be my kids coach!
Hi,
I have been a coach several times before. I can sympathize with what you are going through. One thing I have found is that when you are thinking of doing something out of the ordinary it is a good idea to ask everyone thier opinion. That way, whatever is decided they feel like they had a say in what their child gets.
As for the parent who won't sign a code of conduct. Just explain to him that it is something you encourage every parent to sign, as an example to their children.
If it is possible to reschedule the games, I would just go ahead with it. Of course this has to be agreed upon with the other team. If you can't reschedule, hand it over to an assistant coach or parent for those two games. We all have conflicts sometimes, like you said, you are volunteering and have other responsibilities.
Steph- I feel your pain. My husband has been coaching for years, and is also on our soccer board of directors. The parents are usually the hardest to deal with. A few questions for you... Do you have an assistant coach? If not, could you find someone that might. We use local soccer players from the college. You might be able to find a high school soccer player to help if you call the schools. They don't have to be at all of the games, but they can help run the practices. If you can't be at a game they might be able to come. If you can find a parent with a little soccer knowledge that would be willing to fill in for those games you are going to miss. Also, Trophies are a waste of money. They don't mean anything. We always do shirts. If the other parents are bent on doing trophies they can fork out the money for it! Hang in there. Just keep focused on the kids. People forget that it is only 8 yr. old soccer. Good luck
S.,
While I am not a coach, my husband was a coach for many years and some of his friends are also coaches, and I have been in on many, many discussions of these same issues. Between that and the fact that I'm a professional communicator, I hope I can shed some helpful light. These problems have been inherent in the world of coaching for years, but they do seem to be getting worse as society has changed its outlook and coaches are for some reason no longer perceived as "authority figures."
My own children are grown up now but they had some wonderful coaches over the years and my own policy was to give the coaches no grief at all. I saw other parents be real butts and felt very irritated just seeing it. In fact, one summer I withdrew my son from a baseball team, with apologies to the coach, because of one set of parents who were just too far over the top and I was just sick and tired of hearing them sit on the bench during practice and badmouth all the other kids on the team who were not "up to THEIR standards." (Their two daughters had actually been removed from more than one team on account of these parents. Sad for the girls and what a terrible example for the parents to set.)
First let me offer that if you want to send me a PM, I'll give you my e-mail address and help you with effective and non-confrontational wording for your answer to the father's e-mail.
Second, remind yourself that YOU are the coach, not every parent of a team member. You can't force someone to sign a code of conduct, but you can choose to disregard the words of parents who refuse to sign one and you can, if he ultimately is going to be completely non-cooperative, invoke the rules of your team as a reason to remove that child. I know you don't want to do that to the child because it's not the child's fault, but you do not have to put up with too much interference and drama from parents of team members; so if it truly gets out of hand, remember who you are and remove the problem for the team as a whole by removing the teammate the controversy is swirling around.
You don't say what kind of scheduling conflicts triggered the need to reschedule two games, but I am assuming that it is your own schedule that is causing the problem. Sometimes this cannot be helped and it's simply necessary to reschedule. But if it is the schedule of some parents who cannot be there, don't reschedule. They can make arrangements for their child to travel with another parent.
As for the t-shirts v. trophy matter, when parents say they'd rather have trophies, politely ask them if they are willing to provide the trophies via donation. Let's face it, funds are limited and participation is voluntary and optional.
Hi S.!
My heart goes out to you. My husband coached our boys basketball team last year and I was basically the team manager. When we went into it he said he had no problem coaching he loves basketball and the kids, but that I would have to deal with the parents. I agreed because I wanted him to do this for our boys. For the most part it was a great experience, but there are always those one or two parents that cause trouble. First, I would tell them this is a "volunteer" position and you are devoting a lot of time and energy to this team and if you have to reschedule that is just the way it is. As for the trophies, my boys soccer coaches and many others believe trophies should be earned not given. So we have given t-shirts, bags, or hoodies as end of the year gifts. Most parents seem to appreciate it more because it is more useful and kids like them because they can show off. Don't give up! You are doing a great thing for your children and you can't make everyone happy. Good Luck!!!
I'd suggest asking the girls what they'd like on the back of the shirts instead of the parents. You see them so just ask them face to face. You may want to come up with a few different ideas and let them vote on them according to how they appear.
Perhaps you can find an Assistant Coach who could take the two games you feel aren't fitting your schedule...the "complainer, non-conforming Dad" would be a good idea...maybe.
Have you already addressed rescheduling with the other teams?? Are they able and willing to do so?? This could put a kink in your plan and work against the girls having those two games.
I'd also suggest a paper notice for the rules, ideas, and schedule as well as the email...especially if you're having complainers...many times people complain because they haven't read something correctly and get caught up OR we typed something wrong--typoes or have a missing word, etc..., if you have a hard copy for them and for you to hold you can correct that...
Just set your rules and leave it at that. "Simpathise" with your players' parents and let them vent but stick to your guns. "Oh, I'm sorry that doesn't work for you, we'll miss your daughter that day." or some such thing.
OH, and maybe you can have a vote with your team. See if the girls would prefer trophies or Tshirts. If they choose the trophies, well, it's about them, right?! If they choose the Tshirt then you can shut parents up by telling them there was a vote and you're about supporting the team and that's that.
Hope that helps.
AND, Thank you for sharing your time with the children.
hi S.. i agree with most of the comments here...coaching is hard. i did it for 5 years at the ymca in another state and i didn't even have children (that actually helped, as i never seemed biased). the only thing i could see that you could've done differently is to have given the team a voice. for example, have the girls vote on the shirts vs trophy idea. then you can end your "argument" with a statement that confirms you're doing the desires of the team, not just yours and your daughter's. as for the resheduled games, in your letter to parents you could've stated you need to do that, then offered one week for any parent to volunteer to take over the weeks you can't be there. odds are no one would volunteer. at that point you would be able to do what you need to do. i hope that helps. good luck!
My husband has been the coach of our oldest daughters basketball team for the past 4 years and our middle for 1. With him being the coach, I've been sort of the secretary of the team (dealing with parents). The first year he coached, several of the parents were just awful. They picked and griped about lots of things yet were unwilling to help themselves, so I understand your frustration. The nice thing is that the parents who were so picky all left and went to other teams. The ones who tended to be helpful and nice stayed. The result now is that we have a team of great kids and parents who the majority have stuck together since the beginning. The rest of the team are children who've stuck around for 3 years and then just one player for two and one player for one. Everyone is now friends...we all know each other and came in 2nd in the tournament this past year. When my husband had schedule conflicts for games, he had me and/or an asst. coach at the games instead of rescheduling and another volunteer helpful parent. We also enlist a volunteer parent every year to deal with t-shirts or trophies or whatever. We never take full control over anything...we truly have made this a team of parents and children and that is why I believe we have become so successful to the point that the team wins the best Sportsmanship Reward. Anyway, it sound like you are doing everything yourself. Why not enlist some parents? Just throw it out there and let them know you need help with some things. If no one responds the first time, ask again...and again until someone agrees to help. One way to deal with rescheduling and the concerns of these parents is to let them know you would love it if they could help out (attend and help with practices, too) and coach the games you can't make instead of rescheduling. It's turned out so great because my husband and I don't feel like everything falls on our shoulders and therefore we do not find ourselves in a postion of anger and/or resentment. As for trouble parents, I always asked them if there was some way that they would like to help...typically this shut them up and they are the ones that eventually dissappeared. I tell you, though, I spent that first year pretty angry and frustrated with those parents, so I understand how you feel. Good luck to you!
I am an AYSO Registrar and coach so I get to deal with the flak from parents who register late and don't get on a team, or don't like the team their kids are on, etc, as well as the coach issues. Every year I swear I'm never going to do it again, but..it is for the kids, after all, and that's the reason I come back.
These responses have been great. YOU are the coach; you volunteered, you get to make the decisions. Who says you have to provide the team with ANYTHING at the end of the season? It just means you have to lay down your own money as well as your time. Since you're being kind and choosing to do something, again YOU get to make the decision.
This year I am coaching a 1/2 grade team that doesn't even have any of my kids on it, because no one else would volunteer and I didn't want to have to drop the kids out. Anyway, there are two games that conflict with my son's soccer. I told the parents I would hand them a cheat sheet that told them who to send to which position each quarter, because I wouldn't be there. No one has stepped up to agree to do it so far, but I'm not changing my mind. The kids can send themselves out from the cheat sheet if they need to, I guess. It's not my problem on those days.
Good luck. Keep a stiff upper lip.
S.
Hi S.,
I have been a soccer mom since my daughter was four and she is now 12. On the teams that I have been on we have always had a team mom, one who makes snack schedules, e-mails when there are changes and helps you out. Parents are parents and I hate to say it they are going to be diffcult. My husband coaches and he just lets the parents that don't care ride off his back. Also have team meetings with the parents. Have it before or after the practice so they know what is going on. If they have any questions after the meeting then they can get a hold of you. If they miss out it is there problem. I hope this helps and good luck.
L.
i would tell the "concerned" parent what you told us. keep it short and sweet. say that you are THE ONE who has volunteered to coach. you have changed the schedule and the change is in effect because you are the coach. they don't even need to know the details of why you changed the schedule. the change was necessary to fit your schedule and if you had an assistant coach, this change wouldn't be necessary, but that is not the case. as far as the trophies/shirts, thank the parents for their input, make a decision, and then announce the decision. it is good to ask for opinions, but ultimately you are in the position of authority, so stick firmly to your decisions. if no one tells you how their daughter wants her name on the shirt, assume that it does not matter to them either way and make a decision based on what you think looks best. and put time limits on things, like give them a week to tell you how they want the shirts to look and then you will be ordering them.
Hi S.,
I understand dealing with the parents. I would wait and see how that particular parents actually reacts when at a game or practice. There are several parents that don't like being told how to react in our league also but they are fine. If there is a problem I would talk to the group that puts the games and league together, see if a ref can say something so it doesn't become personal between you and a parent.
As far as rescheduling, what they do in our league if a coach can't make a game they have another parent coach for that game instead of rescheduling. Rescheduling means another team has to change their schedule also so it really is best to try and have someone else coach for those particular games.
I think the t-shirts are a fine idea, I would have your team vote on it and then ask each girl to write her name how she wants it. If more want trophies do that but let the girls decide.
Have fun,
SarahMM
My brother read a book about 4 principles that changed his life (and hopefully are working to save his marriage right now...) 1. Take nothing personally, 2. Make no assumptions, 3. Be impeccable with your word, 4. Do your best.
all the best!
We have coached some teams and yes, just be specific and be brief. You have a life and are volunteering, so do what you can when you can. I think the tshirt idea is a good one and the girls will get more use out of it. Sure we all have trophies from forever ago, but they are collecting dust on a shelf or are in a box. If these parents' still insist on trophies then they can go and have their own made! The one's who resist to sign are the ones who are the worst and just handle him/her the best you can and keep it the same for all. Have fun, it's for the kids and smile!! If it weren't for you the kids wouldn't even have a team. Let us know how it goes. R. :o)
Unforunately this is the way parents are. I coached for one year and will never do it again. The kids are great but the parents are a royal pain.
Do you have a team parent to take care of the calling and the T-shirts and stuff? That would help take a little stress off. One of the coaches of my sons team had oversized sweatshirts with the kids number on them and the team name on the front. My boys still have them though they have outgrown them years ago.
I would ask the one that is giving you the hardest time to be the team parent and if he says no. Then I would tell him he forfited his right to comment. Reschedule according to what fits in your time. Since it is your time and not theirs.
oh well if they can make it!
C. B
yes with the last question. With the shirts, say what you did in your request, that is would be something the girls would use more. Let the parents know that though you respect their opinions, there are decisions that you make without their imput. no, i have never been a coach. but i have learned that you cannot please everyone, and you can't let others make you feel guilty for things that are not bad
I would recommend laying down the law with the parents. As far as the code of conduct issue, tell the father that if he doesn't sign, his daughter doesn't play. It has no reflection on him or how you feel about him, it's just the rules. I think the t-shirt idea is a great one. However, you may meet with resistance from some parents or players. Have a vote. Tell the players they have to vote for one or the other and majority rules.
I must admit I have never coached, but I used to teach math to adults and I found that you really had to lay down the law at the beginning and really stick to your guns. The rules and consequences have to be cut and dry from the beginning or they walk all over you. Take notes on what happens this year and you will know how to start the next season better. You have to be strong! Some of the parents will get mad; unfortunately, that's just the way it is.
Hi there!
Welcome to the world of coaching :)
I had coached the youth softball for about 6 seasons, and loved it. It's the same wherever you go- there will always be difficult parents. I have found them on the field (my daughter is the best...) in the grocery store..., even at Church (beyond me!) My advice is to do what you're doing- if the kids are having fun, you're having fun then that's all that matters! I always asked the troublesome parents why they weren't coaching?? (that shuts them up for awhile)
Good luck and go with your heart- the kids need good people like you to coach and give of YOUR precious time! :)
Peace, T.
Dear S. - Remind yourself why you chose to volunteer - to give your daughter and her team an incredible experience. Let go of trying to please the other parents - do the best you can, be open to feedback but don't take it personally - it is impossible to please everyone
good luck
You can either respond with the new dates for him, or tell him that if it is so imperitive that nothing ever be rescheduled than he is welcome to coach for 2 games. Also to be fair to him, and other parents, you really should have rescheduled the games BEFORE you gave parents the schedule. You need to think of their time being just as important as yours, and now they are having to wait around and can't make plans of their own until they find out what you are doing.
As for the T-shirts, I would prefer a shirt to a trophy, but the kids are 8 which is old enough to do a silent vote. Have them each write shirt of trophy on a piece of paper. You really shouldn't break tradition unless it is something that most if the team would like. And they are also old enough to tell you how to spell their names as well, just ask them instead of waiting for parents.
