Being Single After 15 Years

You need to be completely happy and satisfied with yourself and your own life first. When you have that inner glow, the right guy will appear. And, he'll only appear when you aren't looking. They say it takes 6 months for every year you were married to completely let go of your baggage.

Before that, if you date while you're healing, or before you've done your own internal work, you'll become impressed with any behavior that's opposite your ex-husband, and overlook red flags about other issues. You'll rationalize with "yes, but he's better than ex" which won't lead you to the relationship of your dreams.

Remember that your first relationship post-divorce is the "rebound guy" which will help your healing but almost never works out in the long run.

Hi N.,

I have no idea what you're going through at all, but I have gone through my share of nasty breakups before I did get married. My suggestion would be for you to focus on getting to know yourself again. Join some groups that are about making girlfriends (preferably some single) so you have the support group, you have the life you are comfortable with and you are happy with you who are. That way when you meet someone you are asking him to be a part of your life...not make it.

There is a GREAT site - http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/or/portland/groups/ - it has a bunch of women's groups on there according to every kind of interest.

Make this next stage about you. Aside from emotionally supporting your children right now, it's time to be selfish, N.. You can do it!

Right now may be a too soon for a new relationship. You have many unresolved feelings and you don't want to start off a new relationship with them in the way.

My suggestion to you is to take time and heal. Pick up the pieces around you from your marriage and look at them from the perspective of what you can learn from YOUR mistakes. I know it is hard...I did it 10 years ago, but it helped me see why I chose the relationship that I did and what my part was in it's failure. Learn from it. Then, join a gym, take a dance class or find a church that can minister to you and your children's needs...physically and spiritually.

Enrich your own life, find joy and love on your kids who are hurting in this as well. Guard yourself against "predators" who are looking for emotionally drained women of whom they can take advantage. Think of a new relationship as a bonus, not as something you must have...a get to not a got to.

I send you my biggest HUG!!!! My hubby of 11 years dropped paperwork on me over a year ago. I have been giving it time for the sake of my kids. They don't need two parents abandoning them. Guys are all over the place-- your supermarket, church, library, gym-- the everyday guy doing his everyday thing is the best way to meet. Just be willing to put yourself out there, make eye contact, start a conversation. Feeling confidant about yourself is the sexiest thing you got Mama!!! If you aren't feeling too confident it is a hard, but super worthwhile journey for you and your kids.

I too am a divorced mother of 2 boys. The last thing you need to think about right now is dating. You and your kids need to heal. When the time is right, get invloved in volunteer activities and rely on friends to introduce you to their single friends. After 4 yours of healing, I met the right man. We were introduced by mutual friends and it just grew from there. We are now celebrating our third year together. He is honest and loves my kids as though they are his own. Good luck!

It sounds like you will need to spend some time with your family to help them and you heal from the hurtful situation. Your children need to feel you are there for them, not that your mind is looking for the next husband before the divorce is final. You are rightly angry and hurt right now, and time will help you and your family move through this and get stronger. I'm sure you are a wonderful and good looking person, but having your husband leave you like that might not be the best confidence builder. You will find someone when the time is right, especially if you are not looking. At this time just realize you are a desirable woman who is looking after your family.

First off - I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a terrible ordeal... that stinks, and I really feel for you.

Before I met my husband at the tender age of 30, I chose the wrong guys over and over again. I kept telling myself that they chose me, and that "if I just try hard enough, they will open up to me" (my choice of poison was emotionally bankrupt man-boys). Well, after the last doofus, I took a 2 year hiatus to just be single and figure out what went wrong. I figured out that it was MY FAULT for choosing these guys, and that I won't settle for anyone less that wonderful anymore. I sure enjoyed being single... it was a wonderfully selfish time (well deserved, too).
What I am trying to say is to please take some time for yourself to truly realize that you deserve someone as great as you are. Plus, your kids need you right now.

To meet friends and just get out more, there are classes at your local community center, or you could take a class adult ed classes.

Hi N.,

I agree with everyone else that you need to take time to emotionally deal with your anger and divorce. You won't find anyone with your current state of mind and attitude. A divorce support group, church, and therapy could all really help you heal!

Then, when you are really ready and at peace and happy with your life, check out internet classified sites (like eharmony and oneandonly.com). That is how I was re-aquainted with my high school sweetheart. Be completely honest in the ad (I would post, not answer) and see what happens. Be cautious about meeting (always in public) and really take the time to become friends slowly.

I would suggest a church, some have some great singles/young adults groups that you can just meet people in a fun group setting. I know of some good ones in the area, where abouts do you live?

One way to meet people when you don't get out of the house that often is thru the internet. I always thought it was the home of predators & creeps, but meeting people online has evolved in the past 10 years. I have a few friends who have met their partners online, in specific-interest chat rooms, so there was a basis of conversation. No one I know has used the "matching" services.

I would agree with those who say take your time, heal from this horrible wound, don't jump into any new relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't find comfort and community online to assist in your healing. Isn't that part of what mamasource is about?

My prayers to you and your children in this time of heartache.