Another Baby

I had two babies in the year 2005. They were both good easy babies. I thought I had the baby thing down and so we went for another two years later. She was not easy - extremely colicky for 7 months. She is now a year and still high maitance. It was the hardest 7 months. My husband and really had to rely on each other to handle all three kids and not go insane. It would have been awful if I *convinced him have her and it was just as peachy. I hope you wait until you both feel good about it.

There is hope. I heard the same thing...then one day he said 'IF I had another child and it were a boy, his name would be...'

4 year difference in age. It has been a fantastic spread, but I wouuld suggest fewer =o)

My advice is to respect your husband. Dr Phil said it best: It takes two "yeses" and only one "no" to make the decision to have another baby.

Your baby is only five months old - and all your husband can probably see is the work involved with caring for an infant, the financial responsibility, and plus he's getting used to not being the most important person in your life. Tough adjustment for anyone - especially for a guy with a five month old! (Most men have no clue what to do with a baby. My oldest was two before my husband really started to engage with him, and my oldest was nearly three before my hubby really understood how much he truly loved being a dad.)

Don't nag, cajole, beg, threaten or give ultimatums. Don't sour the relationship you have with your hubby. And for goodness sake don't be deceitful and deliberately get pregnant. Give it a year. Maybe two. And then approach your husband about your desire again. When your husband has a toddler who shrieks with delight and runs to him every time he walks through the door, he might be more receptive to having more children. But GIVE HIM TIME. Respect his position on this and just let it go. Focus on your new baby and enjoy your family. If having another baby is meant to be, it'll happen.

Hi J..

I agree with most of the other ladies. If you want to STAY happily married, give it time and just concentrate on enjoying every moment you can with your baby and husband. I think that men are typically much slower to accept change than women. They need to ease into major life adjustments before they're ready to jump on another one. In my opinion, any big decision you make needs to be mutually agreed upon. Worst case scenario - he doesn't change his mind and you still have one beautiful child who will get you and your husband's undivided attention. Also, realize that there are lots of benefits to having only one child. We have one son who is now almost 4 and we feel absolutely complete and blessed. We're able to afford to do lots of really fun activities together and take great vacations; finding sitters is easy and affordable; he is very independent, but we make sure he gets plenty of socialization with other kids (friends, cousins); we're still able to remain spontaneous and pick up and go whenever and wherever the feeling strikes; the list goes on.

I have to say that I completely disagree with the woman who said to stop taking your pills and have the baby!! I know men who were tricked or manipulated into having a child when they weren't ready and it absolutely destroyed the trust and closeness that they had once shared with their wives. And, none of them are still married. Unless you want to end up a single mom, I'd recommend avoiding making this life-changing decision without his complete (and sober) buy-in.

My best advice is to be absolutely grateful for all of the amazing blessings in your life, enjoy every moment you have now with your baby and husband, give your husband plenty of time without pressuring him, and after some time negotiate (without nagging or manipulating) a plan that you can both agree upon. The most important thing is not how many children that you have, but that every member of your family - at whatever size it is - is happy, healthy and connected.

Good luck!
S. M.

Hi,
Maybe your husband will change his mind.. When our first born hit 2.5 years old.. and was no longer a baby. We both wanted another baby :) Give it time and enjoy your little one. It's nice time to have 100 percent focus on the baby. Having more kids changes every thing. I remember fondly the one on one time with my first born.
Best of luck,
Lenc

J.,

Wait at least a while longer. My best friend and her sister are just 18 months apart and still fight like cats and dogs as grown adults. My husband has two brothers that are 11 months apart and they fought like cats and dogs growing up. Even now they're not best friends.

I don't remember if it's one or two years, but it takes that long for a body to recover and get back to normal after a pregnancy. Between the hormone levels getting back to where they should be, and your body recovering from pregnancy and delivery. Give yourself time.

My kids are 3 years 5 months apart and it's awesome! My son's first words were: Can I hold my baby sister now? He has been loving and caring towards her from day one. He is her idol, and they are best friends.

Patiently,
Melissa

Wait. Let your lovely little one be the star attraction for a while. There is so much to enjoy with just one. And you can let your husband forget how busy he was when your baby was born, no sleep, etc.

Then bring it up later, when he has enjoyed your a few years of joy with this one.

Hi J.,

As an adult who grew up with a father who had never wanted children I highly suggest that you don't pressure your husband into it or do as my mother did and go ahead and have kids anyhow. Yes I know that birth control is not just the woman's responsibility but I was born in 1954 before society realized that men also are responsible for children getting born.

At age 54 I finally have been able to cultivate a close and loving relationship with my father but growing up he was basically just there bringing home the bacon and I really never had 'that kind' of father that so many girls have where they are the apple of their daddys eye. I was never a daddy's girl because he didn't want to be a daddy. Same went for my brothers as they grew up. He did take us on long trips but basically they weren't for us but were what he wanted to do and he had to take us along. He also cheated on my mother throughout their relationship and perhaps her forcing the responsibility of children on him when he clearly had other plans in life was part of the reason why he strayed outside their marriage.

I guess I just wouldn't recommend that anyone have to grow up with a distant father. My mother told me when I was around twelve that he had told her he didn't want to have children before they got married. Perhaps she thought he'd change his mind after having children but he really didn't. Finding out that your father didn't want you to be born at that age was fairly devastating although over the years I realized it was his problem and not mine and today as I said we are very close.

Good luck to you.

C.

I would say that for your own health you should give your body at least a year to recuperate. Especially if you are breastfeeding. Perhaps by baby's first birthday your husband will be more comfortable with your new chapter in life and will be more receptive to baby discussions.

Be sure you think about it from his point of view and really listen to the reasons he gives for not wanting another baby. Men feel a strong need to provide, and feel very stressed and threatened if they can't fulfill that role. Find out his real feelings - after your baby is a bit older, perhaps!

Give both you and your husband time. Even if you want your kids about 2 years apart you still have time before getting pregnant.
Keep the conversation open and tell him why you want more than one. Don't push the issue either. I believe open and honest conversation can help any issue in a relationship.

Give yourself time to decide after you have stopped breastfeeding (if you are). I've heard there are hormones that give you that elated feeling of wanted another while doing so (may be a myth, I don't know for sure). Also, I found it got much harder after they were on the move and talking non-stop(I have twins) and all of my friend have said how much harder it got for them after the second child came into the mix.

Also saw this article about discussing with a spouse if you still feel the same after more time has passed - I Want Baby #3 But My Partner Says No!http://parenting.ivillage.com/ttc/ttcprep/0,,8x8n,00.html

I had so many of the same feelings when my first son was born! It's a wonderful place to be, and I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying being a mom. I have three children now and my oldest is 3.... and I recommend waiting a while to have your next one. The early days are so wonderful watching them learn to crawl and talk, and walk but they go by so fast. I love my younger two and wouldn't trade them for anything, but sometimes I feel sad that I missed out on some of the cute things that he did because I had two others to take care of and vice versa. I don't have time to enjoy dressing them up cute like I used to, and it's much more difficult to take my older son to enjoy "big boy" places like the zoo or pool. I can totally see why people wait 3 or 4 yrs to have a second! On the other side I wouldn't have done it differently though, because I think they'll enjoy being close in age as they get older. About your hubby, his feelings may change over time, but I would let it rest for a while - don't bring it up all the time or ask him about it. Men don't always bond as much with babies,but as your baby becomes more interactive he may realize that he enjoys it more. It helps that they start to forget how much work a baby is as your child becomes more independant:) D.

Give him time to get use to this one. How old is your husband. It may take a couple of years for him to want another one or he may not want another one at all. Whatever you do don't be sneaky about it.

The only thing I might add to what the other mamas have said is to consider that your feelings might change over the next year. I remember that after my first baby, I felt so in love and so happy I thought about having many many more babies. As the practical aspects of family life set in (money, jobs, care, global population, etc.) they balanced the emotional desire for more children. I now have two children and am feeling satisfied that this is really enough. As you and your husband continue to communicate about this, give one another room to discuss and change as your lives evolve. I wholeheartedly agree that conceiving a child needs to be a decision that both people go into excited and in agreement. This is a new person, after all, and they need those around them to feel 100% about welcoming them into the family.

J.,
There was another post recently about this very issue by Michelle C and I think you would do well to read some of those responses.

http://www.mamasource.com/request/13352618741293121537/0/...

It is too soon for your husband to start thinking about another baby. Men sometimes lack the 'planning' gene, and they don't worry about something until it is immediate. You are looking in to the future seeing that you want more than one child, eventually. But he just sees right now.

Give him time. And get to share this special time with your new little bundle of joy. A 3 year age gap between children is the 'ideal', if there is such a thing. My kids are spread out all over the place, though, and just fine and happy.
I always say we get the children we have WHEN we have them for a reason that is much greater than my understanding.
Have faith.

Talk it out with your husband. Find out his reasoning for not wanting more children, and then see if you to can work something out. My hub and I had our first two back to back with only sixteen months between their births, it was hard. And I feel like I have been changing pampers forever. However, because he was always in support of having another child he has always helped and been more than happy to be supportive. I couldn't imagine him not agreeing, it would have been so very much harder. You two should definitely talk about it and even more listen to each others concerns, and see if maybe you can't come to an agreement about another child.

Wait a little while, your husband is probably still adjusting to the changes that come with a baby. Talk about it after the baby turns one and your a little ways out from the craziness of an infant.

It's pretty early, I would say just wait a few months and let your body heal and see if you still both feel the same. Don't have an argument if you don't have to...

Wait alittle your hunney is probably overwhelmed. I would wait a year then start trying

Hi J.! I think time is needed here. Just enjoy your baby for awhile, and you can let your husband know that you would like to give your baby a sibling someday, but it's not really something to be pushy about. It's definately something you both need to fully agree on, and I can imagine he might think differently if given some time. It really is a great thing to give the first child a sibling they can play with and bond with, especially if you are both going to be working in the future....But your baby is not even a year old, so i would say give it some time:-)

Please, please, please do NOT get pregnant without your husband fully in agreement. If you require him to accept the responsibility, inconvenience, expense, risk, work, and sheer exhaustion of raising an additional child, but without enthusiasm or without acknowledging his needs, that will not bode well for the future of your family.

What if your husband were pressuring you to have another child you don't want? Even adoption, without the physical discomforts of pregnancy and labor, would put tremendous demands on you. Would it be fair to force anyone into that situation?

You've gotten some wise advise from other mamas. Choose to notice how many blessings already surround you, and you'll discover that every moment of your life is complete. And please don't make the mistake of revealing to your one child (or any additional children you might eventually have), that they are somehow not "enough" for you. That's a painful burden for a child to bear, and kids often end up feeling at fault when their parents are unhappy for any reason.

Living in joy and gratitude bears fruit. A change in your "wanting" as the focus of your childrearing could eventually bring a change in your husband's resistance. But don't do it for that. Do it for the well-being of yourself and your family. Model for your child what being an emotionally healthy grownup looks like! It is your choice, and I hope you will be able to find for yourself that this is true.

Blessings to your union and your beautiful baby.

My two cents worth for HIS benefit is...HAVE ANOTHER CHILD! It will be the best thing you ever did for each other IF YOU CAN AGREE ON IT. They balance each other and give you more alone time because you can raise them to look after and help each other as well as play together. Multiple children are so much easier than singles. I remember how much more time I had to spend doing the tedious entertainment that wore me down emotionally before we had more kids. Now, I love and cherish the time I spend with each of them and they have each other for the hour long singing contests between Barbies. lol. God bless your family whatever you decide!

Give him sometimes...Trust me you don't want to have two children in diapers at the same time so give it some time maybe until your little guy that you just had is out of diapers, then bring up children again to your hubby.

just stop taking your pills. have the baby.

Babies are fun! But if you space out your kids you get to enjoy the baby stages for more time, instead of getting all your baby fix in two years' time. My girls are three years apart and I like that better than I think I would have any earlier, nice to have only one in diapers and one to help.

My husband said after number two we were done, partly because she was so colicky. And 8 months later, he just said yesterday he thinks about another! There is hope :)

I think its great to have kids close together. It makes it so much better for them to have a companion. Being that your baby is only 5 months, nows a great time to start trying! Best wishes to get your husband on the same page! My only daughter is 7 and I wish I would have had another way back so she had a sibling. Too late now though! good luck.

Give yourself until your son is at least 1. You body needs that much time to recover from having a baby. Between now and then, talk with your husband about why you want more, and LISTEN to him about why he doesn't. You both need to agree on having more or stopping with one.

J.,
This one you absolutely need to work out with your husband. It takes two make one, but more importantly, it really takes at least two to raise them. SOme things to think about. How many children do you have now? 1,2,4 are great 3 are not the odd one out starts stuff and there is constant upheaval. Can you afford more kids? These little guys are spendy. Yes, we all stretch the resources to cover the new one if need be, but are the resources really there. Why doesn't your hubby want more? Kids are always a blessing, but his issues may be real. Be willing to listen to him. Ultimately you are a team. Working together, you may decide that another baby is right for your family. Good luck! L.