Am I Wrong Here? Situation with My Brother and His Wife

I totally agree with you. Just don't let them cause you to stress out. If you don't want to invite them to the Halloween thing, then don't. As far as holiday gatherings are concerned, I agree with the advice of another poster...if the dinner is at 3 then tell them it is at 2:30, that way they will arrive early enough to help with the setup. Later, right before the meal is over and everyone is still sitting at the table, divide up the responsibilities by calling on each individual directly (ex. "Mary" will you help me do the dishes, "Joel" please help clear the table, etc.). It's very hard for people to behave like jerks while everyone is watching.

L.,
My bit of advice to you would be to let it roll off your back. Don't let stuff like this get to you. There are way too many other things in life to get worked up about, and this isn't one of them. So, they're lazy. It's a character flaw. Don't let it rob one minute of joy from your life. Love them anyway, and move on. Maybe she was just joking about not having to do the Thanksgiving dishes. But, even if she wasn't, I wouldn't let it get under my skin. Too much score-keeping in the world anyway.

You're not wrong. And come Thanksgiving, tell them that dinner starts an hour earlier than it really will. Make them help - wear them OUT making them help. Because as soon as dinner is over, they will leave.

That's how you handle freeloaders and sloths.

Sorry,
Dawn

I agree with you totally. In my family, the men go sit on the couch while the women clean up after Thanksgiving (after having prepared the meal and served it). This INFURIATES me. I chalk it up to the older generation of women who think they are servants. When I host Thanksgiving, I go to my brother, and male cousins and directly ask for help in the kitchen. If they refuse they look like jerks. The guys cleaned up after Thanksgiving last year. A small and meaningful victory for me !!!

I'm totally on your side here and fully agree with you! I'd just suggest asking directly for what you want and see what happens. The party is at your parents house, so it's hard for you to tell them to come early to help (your folks should do that). But you could say that you'll be there 1/2 hr early to help your folks with the kids birthday party and ask them if they will be there too, as mom and dad can use all the help they can get.

I feel for you.

Yeah, it is absolutely annoying for sure. I would be ticked and it would probably bother me long term. However, since they didn't do this at your house and did it at your parent's house, then you probably have no right to say anything. Your parents should be the ones to say something. Or conversely, the time for your parents to say something would be the next time they request something like this. They should say "We'd love to bake home-made whatever, but it's just too much on us since no one comes over to help".

BTW, some people are just like pigeons. They swoop in, cause a lot of commotion, eat your food, and poop everywhere. Sounds like these family members are pigeons.

I think you are making a big deal out of a small thing. Maybe they saved and budgeted for the dsi. And if you want tthem to help with the cleaning ASK! Don't not invite them to something-they may not even know they are annoying you. Maybe in your e-vites have a note at the bottom on whose turn it is to do which job. Also so what if they leave first, they probably have different schedule and may not want to rearrange are it-or can't. We almost always leave first. Are we rude? Gosh I hope not. My husband starts work at 2am.

I get your frustration, but you will be the one coming out looking like a jerk, no matter what. You call them out, you're starting drama. You don't invite them, you're catty. They're users, and, unfortunately, they're part of your family, so I think it's going to be hard to prove your point without alienating some of your family members & creating tension with parties not involved in the disagreement.

If you do invite them to something, make it a point to give them very literal instructions on what you need from them, beforehand & during. My question is, does anyone actually ask them, to their faces, or beforehand, to help out? To tell them what's expected of them? Ie - Sue, you're on drinks, or dishes, or whatever? Or does everyone just take on the helping out themselves & then bad mouth them afterwards? In my experience, even the lazy people will feebly help when they're point blank asked to help.

In the meantime, I would advise you to suck it up & let it go. One lesson I learned a long time ago was not to stress over other people & the things they did, that are not in my control. You can control yourself. Let go of the negativity, it's not worth it, they don't care at all, and you care too much.

Also, by not inviting them, you are really hurting their kids, not them, because they won't learn their lesson, because they don't think they're doing anything wrong. You won't change them, as people, by purposely not including them. Think of how it would be, to be their kids. Poor things.

My sister is your brother Joel. We've tried calling her to the carpet on her behavior, but she just doesn't see it or how it affects everyone else. It's something we've come to accept, and despite our desire to not help her, we can't do that to her kids, so we help with her kids events. I understand being upset, I've been there plenty of times and I don't know how my sister ended up this way, because the other 9 of us kids aren't, but it is what it is. She's the first to claim poverty, but her husband goes to the racetrack every week to race his motorcycle or off doing a gun event for the police department he works for, that the department doesn't cover. My advice is to accept the behavior, but I don't let her complain about money. I'm the first to call her out on her spending, but she takes offense because she thinks I'm talking down to her because my family has nice things, that we budget for and pay for. When we had our daughter, my husband stopped golfing once a week so we could have that disposible income for her. Sorry, my vent. About the dinner thing, we have this problem in my family as well. Some in the family think we need to invite everyone all the time, you don't. Just say you want special time with your parents and your kids, if your mom doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come.

I get being a little put out by the situation, but maybe look at it as y'all helped to provide a nice birthday party for your niece who maybe needs the relationship with her extended family. Do your best to just say to yourself, "that's just them" and try not to get frustrated. It ends up just causing you more harm and frustration and for that, it's not worth it. Sorry you're frustrated; I'm sure I would be as well!

No, that would bother me as well. But really, if anyone should be upset, it should be your parents since they are the ones that really "hosted" the party! Did they even pay for the dinner? Not cool, they should get there early to greet everyone else and make sure the house is ready. and what a juvenile comment to make about not having to do the holiday dishes. Immature. But you have EVERY right to not invite them this weekend. You don't need to feel obligated just because your mom suggests it. And maybe that would be a good time to mention it causally to your mom and just say you don't really want to see them since you're a little irked at how they acted at their dtrs bday party and feel her out to see what she says. If it ends up that it bothered her and your dad too, then THEY should be the ones to say something. If she thinks you are being petty, then you know you need to just let it go and maybe at thanksgiving call Mary in to "help" with the dishes in front of everyone so she can't say no...lololololol!!!! Good luck!!!

Nope your not wrong. It's your kid's Halloween. You can invite who you want. If it were a major holiday, I would say suck it up and be the bigger person. Since that isn't the case, and unless your kids are close to your brother & SIL, it is your decision to make.

Saying all of that.......you do need to be the bigger person and move on at other family functions. You shouldn't dwell on what they do or don't do. I know it is irritating, but there is no need to get bent out of shape b/c of these 'losers'.

I guess it all depends on how your parents felt about it. My brother is the exact same way and it drives me nuts! Sometimes my parents are upset by it and other times not.

You have two choices - brew about it or let it go. It wastes so much of you precious time to brew, so release it and move forward. You are not going to change them, you can only change yourself.

I think there is nothing wrong in saying something to them at the next event - like, hey, so-so cooked everything, let's you and I clean up or something like that. Some people need a kick in the pants.

You are not wrong for feeling that way at all. Users, manipulators, mooch, etc... that's what your brother and his wife are.

Dawn B. said it best with her reply.

Hold your ground about the Halloween party. They'll just come over, eat your food, then leave and you'll be mad. What fun is that?

Your brother is one of life's takers and so is his good little wifey. Let them know how your feel about their LIFO (last in first out) behavior.
Tell them after Halloween is over and do not keal over so your Mom can continue to live out her fantasy that all is well in familyland.

Is it possible that the doing the dishes comment was in jest? I think I would also be a little upset. I agree with another comment that you invite them an hour early for thanksgiving this way they have no choice. I figure also there always seems to be at least one lazy person in the family.

I agree with everyone else here. Don't be passive aggressive and complain about them but say nothing. If you invite them for Halloween, mention how wonderful the birthday party was and how great Mom and Dad were to cook and offer up their house and how lucky are we to have such great grandparents! in the future Ask them to bring drinks, cheese and crackers if you think they wont cook. This Thanksgiving speak up. Say "Bob helped set up furniture so Joel can clear the table after dinner" or "Jane, thanks for bringing so many side dishes(be specific thanking people for their contributions in front of everyone) and since Mom did most of the dinner, Mary and I will clean the kitchen, OK , Mary?"

Tell your mom you were thinking it would be quality grandparent time with just your family. Your mom and dad can come or not and you should graciously accept their RSVP, whichever direction.

I think that their finances DO factor, as they claim poverty but got an expensive present, and I think you can't help but think of their supposed situation when they do something like that. Now, they could have gotten it for cheap off ebay, but I can see how the impression would rub you wrong.

Maybe your parents offered to pay for the dinner, and maybe they saved for a while to afford the DSi and game. We don't have much, but we make sure to put aside $100-150 for EACH of my 4 kids' birthdays every year. I would hate to think that we are being judged because we spend money on our kids and not on a nice car or expensive house. In any case, it's your parents who have the right to be upset, not you, about your brother's behavior. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

As far as the Halloween thing, you have every right to invite whomever you please, and I think it's nice that you want your kids to spend some quality time with their grandparents since you have such a big family. I bet their attention is often split amongst many kids when there are larger get-togethers and this will be a great opportunity to dote on your kids :)

My mom and I always clean at my sister's during family events. We help cook too. We see it as doing for HER as she does for us. Many people that attend don't help clean up. Maybe they aren't as comfortable putting things away in her cabinets, etc. Maybe they assume we just have it covered. Either way, it's not worth ruining an otherwise lovely time over. My sister's mother in law has offered to help and weeks later my sister is trying to find where she put things.
If your parents weren't bothered by how the birthday party and cleaning went, then I don't think you should hang on to it. And, you certainly don't have to invite anyone to your house that you don't want there. However, sometimes with the "first to arrive and first to leave" people, you get to carry on as you will..... knowing they will leave and you can do things your merry way afterward.
To some people, making an appearance means being involved. I always tend to be one to help with clean up so the hostess can relax when everyone is gone. Not all people think that way.
As for their financial situation and the gift, that really isn't your business. I don't mean that in a snarky way.
I work with a woman who has 3 kids under 5. She takes all the overtime she can get and her husband does at his job too. They don't live beyond their means and her mom is helping with the supplies and food for her son's birthday party in two weeks. Because she'll have help with the food and the party favors, etc, they can get him something nice that he's wanted. They are very thankful that she can help them out. She has a brother who is autistic so there will be no resentment if he doesn't chip in with cooking or cleaning.
My point is that your brother and sister in law may have felt things were covered and not worried about it. I'm not saying that's right. But, this does seem to be a pattern with them and it is what it is.
I can see why it would bug you, especially if it happens at your house, but like I said, let them be the first to leave. You won't make that much more food for the 4 of them. There won't be that much more dishes. If they leave without helping clean, do as you do. In my family, my mom, sister and I actually bond over that cleaning time and giggle and talk about what a wonderful occassion we had. People who miss out on that, miss out on that. It's not our loss and in all reality, the same meal would be prepared and cleaned up whether they were there or not. We get a lot more out of it. We're not there just for the appearance or ducking out before someone mentions cleaning. Events and gatherings are work. No doubt. There is joy to be found in even the cleaning.
I see why you would be feeling a bit put off, but I don't think you should make a huge deal of it or refuse to invite them for family gatherings. They're the last to arrive, the first to leave, therefore they put in a limited amount of time and everyone else gets the long version of the fun.

Try not to let it bother you too much because it likely won't change. There's no point in upsetting your parents over how you feel, as valid as it may be.
I don't think you'd be happier if they arrived first and left last and still didn't really help with anything.

The holidays are coming up. You might as well just expect the usual from them and go on your merry way otherwise.

That's my advice, anyway.
Best wishes.

I would just tell your mom that this weekend wasn't intended as a "whole family" get-together but rather just wondering you the grandparents would like to come over for dinner and then see the kids off for trick or treating.

As for the rest of it, let it go. I get your frustration but it is relatively petty. I would be more frustrated w/ the brothers not helping AND ignoring a specific request to help clean up. Either way, not much you can do about it.

At my inlaws, for years, it was always me and my MIL cleaning up. There were my two inlaws, their three boys, two wives (including me), and up to 7 kids (only one was mine). The oldest BIL and his wife had up to 6 foster children (ranging in age from 9-18). Not one person lifted a finger to help w/ dinner, setting the table, or cleaning up. The only thing they did do was fix there own plates and b*tching over why she didn't fix this or that or a different vegetable. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I stopped (I was tired). Once or twice, I had my hubby help his mother but that didn't work much either. I do help her still but not as much. I feel bad for her but I clean up at my house even when we have the whole family over!

Bottom line: Invite them. Your kids will benefit by having a relationship with their cousins. Your parents will be able to enjoy more than just one set of grandchildren on Halloween (would be hard for them to pick and choose which house to go to with 5 kids). Overall -- yes, you brother and SIL could have shown up earlier, but it's your family and if your mom would like to be with as many of you as possible for Halloween, I think you should embrace that.

You can't tell what an overheard remark , possilbly out of context truly means. If they aren't pulling their weight at family functions -- let them know. But don't be passive aggressive and ostracize them (especially without letting them know what your issues are). Better to celebrate with family together - and discuss what your needs are with them privately.

Are you right, probably not. Are your feelings justified I think so. I would be interested in seeing the other posts. I feel the same way you do. We have some family members that sound a lot like yours and I feel the same way you do. That is why I said probably not since I feel so damn guilty when I make decisions like you did.

Like with my family we would be inviting them not because we would normally invite anyone in the family it would be because we have to feel sorry for them. Ya know? I suck it up for family events where everyone is invited but I have started having issues with the we should invite them because they will get a good meal or oh poor them.

Ya know, I get it but dammit it doesn't take that much effort to act like you appreciate it instead of always giving this impression that they think they are entitled to it.

Oh, judging from my typing I think this may be a sore subject for me. oops

L.,
I can certainly see how that would be annoying. At my house, I always do the prep, cooking and cleaning. I want guests to be guests. I also help when I am visiting others unless they discourage it.
I have noticed that certain in-laws of mine don't help much at family gatherings and not all when visiting us. So when I am at their house, I just act like a guest.
But I also think you should count your blessings if that is the worse thing that happens at your gatherings.. At my family's gatherings, we often had someone or several get very drunk and fight, sometimes physically. So I stopped going years ago.

I think you are in the right. If your brother his family & their lazy ways bother you, then you are smart not to invite irritation to your door. Lazy people rub me the wrong way too. So I just don't invite them over again after I have had an irritation. I wait until they ask & then very politely tell them or anyone who asks why. Keeps everyone positive & I feel great without being a martyr.

I'm pretty poor but thanks to Recertified or Refurbished finds from Newegg or TigerDirect my kid has gotten some sweet presents! Just because something LOOKS new and expensive doesn't mean it is!!!

It's family. We are always going to find reason to be annoyed with them. I agree they should always chip in no matter who's house or who's party. It's dad, everyone should love him enough so that when this party is over the whole house is shiny and sparkling.

As for the DSI, they do cost a lot. But we live on SSDI and are in fact saving up to buy them for our grand-kids for Christmas. Either that or some kind of "pad". They love playing games and will constantly play games on my phone so I know either one will be a joyfully accepted gift. We do plan on looking at GameStop for used ones first. They can often be found for less than $100.

If you asked me to fix dinner for 16+ people, adult men, women, and a ton of kids...the meal could easily cost more than the gift they bought their child.

So, they could have saved up for a couple of months and found one for an inexpensive price. They could have called everyone and said "We're supplying the pasta and sauce, you bring the rest and make it a pot luck". They should have helped, sounds like they are probably used to doing things this way. Maybe some gentle guidance could help them conform. "Everyone come help in the kitchen for 5 minutes so we can all enjoy the game together" or "Everyone come help clean the mess so we can all enjoy going outside to play XXXXX".