Advise on Getting Divorse from My Husband

P.,
I am so sorry for your pain. What you are going through is so difficult. I will certainly keep you in my prayers.

Have you considered going to marriage counseling as well as financial counseling?

I would do everything that I could to save my marriage first. Divorce, when you have children, is so difficult. I know you should not stay together for the sake of the children and sometimes there just isn't any option.

If you would like to get a job to earn money, you should definitely do that. That way, if you do make the decision that divorce is the right choice, you will not be left with no income. That is the thing, if he is like this with your finances now, imagine how much he will fight against child support or alimony. My ex-husband resented every cent he ever had to pay in child support (didn't get granted alimony) and it made the divorce relationship even harder to deal with even though they were his children. What followed after our divorce was years of harrassment and manipulative controlling. This is why I advise to do everything to save the marriage first. It is no good for the kids. The counseling will help you to feel better about yourself, if nothing else, and help you plan logically. If you decide to get a job, that will also help make you feel better too since it seems that you feel you do not contribute enough. That is wrong...being a mom and being with your children is the most important thing you will ever do with your life. I'm sure that you have talked with you husband about this but perhaps a third party would make it easier for him to see how much he is hurting you.

I will you well in your decision-making process.
S.

i think you both really need to sit down and talk about this. i don't think he'd deliberately keep you from anything, it probably just didn't phase him. my hubby and i are going through a similar situation so i know how frustrating and saddening it is.

Hello P.! im sorry about hearing you wanting a divorse. i dont know a whole lot so i will try and help. it seems that you want the divorse just because your upset that he is taking care of your in-laws better then his new family. im guessing you've talked to him about the problem and he still isnt doing anything to change. im not sure if this is a great idea but go to the problem, the in-laws, and tell them to stop asking him to support them, he has his own family to support now. i know men want to be in charge of the bills and all that because it makes them feel like a man. but maybe you can tell him he needs to put aside a certain amount for a house and a certain amount for the kids college. infact start an account for the kids!
now if your are set on the divorse then i say talk to a lawyer. im not saying you have to use one but its nice to have a pro's advice for just in case. for the kids you need to just do whats best. you dont want your kids to hear you yelling at daddy or daddy yelling at mommy so if the only way to do so is by moving then you have to do it. your talking about wanting a divorse but you dont want your kids to miss their father. come up with a visiting schedule so atleast your being fair. trust me them hearing you two fighting all the time is worse then you moving out, even if its only for a little while.
well good luck with whatever you do! i hope i helped a little!

I agree that counseling is best first. Even if you have to go alone. Counselors are good at helping your through the divorse process as well. I would also advise calling 211 information. It is a special help line information for people going through issues in life and needing help. you can tell the person on the line about what is going on and how you want to direct yourself at this time and they can give you numbers to places that will help advise you through this process. They really cater to women in your shoes who are at home and may not have the best roads financially to get out. They will give you help lines to call that are free to help advise you through every aspect. Don't do anything til you are fully educated. Every move you make through the process can be used for or against you in the legal end of a divorce. Take it slow and educate yourself on the proper way to move before changing anything. Good luck.

Dear P.,
I empathize with your feelings of being left out of financial decisions, and wanting to make sure that your nuclear family are provided for first.
Divorce should be your last option. Please seek counseling by yourself initially and when your counselor feel the timing is right, add your husband to the sessions. If you have a pastor, those sessions are usually free- if you are a regular attendee or member. I do agree with another poster who suggested the weekend retreat. There are so many of them now (ie A weekend to remember, etc).
Do you have your own support network to talk things through with? Friends, family? Are you part of a girls night out group? Some time of setting with other women who can empathize and perhaps give you some guidance and support.
If working for you is an option then great. Set up your own savings, checking (and possibly IRA) in your name with direct deposit. Maybe consider taking a class at your local community college.
What ever you decide, remember that divorce should only occur when you have tried everything else (unless your and your children's physical and or emotional safety are at risk).
Even if you are to decide on divorce, do not expect instantaneous happiness. Happiness comes from within after working to better your own self and outlook.
I wish you the best.

~J.
Divorced mom of one!

First of all, let me tell you I have been very unhappy in a marriage and I feel for you (although I had different issues). I contemplated divorce. But then we went to Marriage Encounter (a weekend) and I left the weekend actually HAPPY and it is totally different today. I am SO glad I didn't get a divorce! I encourage you to try everything to work it out...now I want to be clear, this does not mean that you should be a doormat and take everything your husband dishes out, not at all.
It sounds like your self esteem is very low, and whether it is from your husband's actions or not, that is something only YOU can work on. I have also been in an abusive relationship (not married, thankfully) where my self esteem started to go down; however, it must have been low already or I would not have allowed this man to treat me this way, but that's another story! It is very isolating to be home alone with the kids all day, so it's understandable that you would be feeling depressed. At any rate, I would encourage you to get individual counseling first and then decide what is the best thing to do. You might be surprised that YOU changing will change your husband. The solution might be to move out (not necessarily getting a divorce) in order to "wake him up" so to speak. As a way of eventually saving your marriage, I mean. But decisions made under stress are not usually the best ones, so that's why I suggest taking care of yourself before making such a big decision.
Keep in mind, a divorce will be WAAAAY worse on the kids than not having money or a house! It is clear in all studies. Now, this is not to criticize people who have gotten a divorce. Just to say it is a fact that you must consider. You guys definitely need to work on your marriage, but it will be much better for the kids if you do that instead of ending it.
What happens when you talk to your husband about this? Does he just keep silent and ignore you? Does he argue with you, or try to understand? Or have you guys not talked, really?
Do you use "I" statements (as opposed to accusing statements)? For example "I feel neglected when you give money to your parents because I have been asking for a house and we don't have one yet" instead of "you don't care about me, you only care about your parents" etc. Are you sure that he is aware of your feelings about all this? Many of us think men are mind readers and think it is obvious, but they can be really blind to this stuff--it really has to be clearly spelled out. Have you asked him WHY he is lending all that money out and why he does not involve you in the decisions? Maybe he's following the example of his father and never considered doing something else. Who knows. Have you asked to set up a regular time (each week or month) to discuss finances and make sure you understand what's going on? Maybe you could ask to be the one to sign the checks, even if he does all the planning etc., so you at least know where the money is going. Have you directly asked him to save for a house and college? If so, what was his response? Does he know you are so unhappy that you are contemplating a divorce? Not saying you should threaten him with that, just wondering if he's even aware of the level of unhappiness.
I hope that has helped, I would again encourage you to take care of yourself first and get strong (probably by getting some counseling), and then addressing the issue with your husband in a healthy, productive way. If you say he is a nice guy otherwise, I would doubt that he is purposefully being mean and careless of you, he is probably just ignorant about what your needs are somehow. A divorce will not make you or your kids happy, either. You will be even LESS "cared for" on your own! I am not minimizing the difficulty at all, just trying to encourage you to figure out a way to work through it.
Are you a praying person? If not, maybe it's time to start : )
Blessings,
Lynn

I just wanted to add, for emphasis, it actually IS BETTER for the kids to hear Mom & Dad argue than to put them through a divorce! Now, it is waaaay better if they DON'T argue, but I have to say that the idea that they are "better off" somehow, just because the parents are fighting, is NOT TRUE. This is proven over and over again in studies. Again, not to criticize anyone who has made that decision already, but just to say please dont' ignore the facts when you are trying to make that decision now....

Have you tried counseling? If he's willing to go with you then I think you should try that first, since you mention the lending/finance situation is the only problem. Though I think his lack of regard for you and your opinions and feelings on the matter is also a big issue. If counseling is not an option, then you should contact an attorney to make sure that you get the proper advice and are protected financially. It will work out. I know if may seem like you won't be able to manage on your own or that you don't know how to handle this, but you can and you will. You just need some help. Best of luck to you!