Advice Needed from Moms and Wives

I have no idea about the alcohol thing as I have no first hand experience. However he is probably stressed out and needs some sort of outlet. $75 a week is a lot of money. He doesn't have to have a material item to show for it but yes maybe more than a few pitcher of beer. Try to see if he is interested in going to the driving rage or batting cages. Even going to the Y to play basketball or join a mens softball team or something. he needs an outlet so help him find one. together you can set standards and limits. On softball teams men often go grab a beer or 2 after a game but it is one night a week most often and they are with their guys for some down time. Good luck!

I don't think you are being too overbearing or sensitive. That is how you feel and you seem to be trying to let him know assertively instead of another less effective way. I'm wondering if this is a new issue or if this has been going on for years. If he's been doing this for a significant amount of time and it has not been a problem that you've shared, he may be upset about why it's a problem now. If it is something new he is doing or the amount of times he is going has increased, then he's got to understand why you want to discuss it. Going to a bar 3x a week and spending $75 a week or so on that would not make me very happy at all! Does he have friends that he hangs out with at the bar (I'm wondering if he is hanging out with friends and it just so happens to be at the bar or if he is going alone)? To me, hanging out with friends would make me a little happier than going alone. I would worry about a drinking problem if he is drinking often (I don't know how much he is drinking when he goes to the bar). I would keep trying to discuss it. Best of luck!

M.,
Is it a strip club? You should suggest that he have few at home instead & how would he like if you went 3-4 times a week with the girls to bar? I don't think he'd like it. Or suggest that you meet him there or go with him see what his reaction will be? Good Luck!

Ron

Jean M gave you the best and most concise advice. That is my perspective, AS A MAN. That was really missing here. So many woman are quick to get vindictive or jump to conclusions. I do think 3x a week is too much (gets dangerous), but the bigger issue is, what's wrong at home?

PARTICIPATE with your husband (in whatever way is right for you two) and he won't need as much time away. Don't try to emasculate him, and don't be a victim. It is a delicate balance between men and women...

The bar is an escape. It is self medication. I enjoy a drink just to turn off the running list of "do this next" items in my head.
There is something magical about the bar - it may remind him of college or it just may be the "man cave" to escape reality. Let's face it, at the bar there are no chores, no deadlines, no worries and people are at your beck and call to bring you things. The problem is not the bar - you need to look at why he goes to the bar - a few drinks a few times a week may be fine for one person but ruin the next. In my family we define drinking problem as follows: if there are always problems when you drink - you have a drinking problem. It sounds like he is having more of a coping problem than a drinking problem. Before you get offended about his trips to the watering hole, you need to decide if this issue is really about you. He may go to the bar so escape his horrible day and get an attitude adjustment before coming home. Depending on his 9-5 job and responsibilities, he may need help getting back to the person he wants to be when he gets home to you. I think you could find a replacement for the bar but be careful. The bar is not the worst place he could be, I agree it is not the best. And I would not expect that the trips to the bar could stop all at once. You may need to get him distracted with other activities that slowly lure him away from the bar. Right now it just sounds like the bar is his hobby and you need to replace it with another hobby but keep in mind that all hobbies are spendy and when all else fails - it could be fun to meet him for a drink at happy hour.

Find out more about what is going on with him, men do not respond well or as well as they think they do to direct confrontation especially with women. You need to approach him from the "side" ask how his day was and see if you can get him to talk and open up. Men do enjoy the ability to unload their day but sometimes it is just too much. If his job has become really loathsome, he may be trying to shoulder the burden alone so that you do not worry. You are in a partnership and while he needs to respect your feeling about the bar, you need to help him carry his burdens too. The most attractive quality in the world to a man, is a woman who "has his back." Let him know you are on his side. It sounds like he might need some attention. He married you for a reason. He knows you are on his side now go remind him.

I don't want to jump to an instant conclusion but, alcoholics tend to have selfish acts and that sounds like a selfish act to me. Both father and husband were alcoholics, therefore, I feel pretty strongly about spotting the symptoms immediately. AA helps my husband keep if together. It is a constant part of his life. Dad passed, however lost interest in recovery. I didn't know my husband during his initial recovery stage.

If it continues, you may start working on a plan for him, which could be the good old tough love.

Best of luck and good job on recognizing a potential problem of your loved one.

Please find an Al-anon meeting in your area. We who have dealt with the disease of alcholism are your best source for support! www.orangecountyalanon.org can give you a list of meetings in your area. This is about you and being happy, regardless of if the drinker is drinking or not. Good luck, L.

You are NOT being over-sensitive!

Hi. I can relate to your stress. I'd say get to an Alanon meeting. You are not being overly sensitive or overbearing. Your reaction is typical to that kind of behavior in a loved one. It's totally understandable. There may or may not be a drinking problem developing for your husband, but you are already experiencing your own stress over his use of alcohol. Alanon offers clarity and some very good tools for dealing with the confusion and hurt you are feeling.

hi M. D,
I'm also M. D but with one l. I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. I've never responded to mamasource before but felt compelled somehow to write you. In my marriage it was me who went to the bar. At first my husband was i wouldn't say o.k. with it but not troubled by it until like you it became more frequent. And i didn't think anything about what i was doing because i new he trusted me and that i would never mess around on him. however, he became upset and i didn't understand i started accusing him of not trusting me ant that he knew where the bar was i wasn't hiding he could come and check up on me if wanted to. he said no wife of mine is going to be going to the bar and getting drunk that if i valued our relationship i would stop it. That simple question made me stop. He didn't threaten me but i knew right then that i could lose my relationship if i didn't watch it. But there was something in me that wanted or needed that outlet so for me i went to see a therapist or a shrink or a doctor whatever you want to call him and got some things off my chest i guess that were bothering me and i didn't even know it. I
'm 43 years old and have never sought out therapy in my life. i went for about six weeks and paid yup $25 each visit with my insurance just about what i was spending at the bar each time i went. i don't go to the bar anymore and i learned to talk to my husband about the things that were bothering me here at home. also every now and then we go to a champagne brunch or out to play pool and have a couple of beers together and just laugh like when we were dating. anyways, i don't know if my story will help you at all but God Bless and keep your family close.Sincerely M. D

Hmmm, where to start.
The definition of an alcoholic is your own. When alcohol interferes with your life and those around you, that's when you're an alcoholic. Not necessarily the quantity you consume. So you have to answer that. There is tons of support through AA, I would look them up.
If hubby needs to just down-load after work, suggest other things; happy hour together? Walk along the beach. Grill with friends to fill the socializing need. It sounds like the bar may be his routine, and he has friends there. If that's the case you should be there too and he should want you there.
Thinking from all sides too, maybe there is no drinking problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to come home and deal with more 'work' and this is all he knows, to let off steam and deal with 'stuff'.
There is a red flag here somewhere since he doesn't want to spend time with you, so I would try and shake things up and get out of routine (like we all should once in a while)and reconnect. He obviously loves you and has been with you a long time, don't let the fact that he went back to the bar be a slap in the face...guys just don't communicate well. I hope this helps, best of luck!

You nailed it. He is saying screw you M.. He is totally disregarding your feelings. Three times a week is too much, especially when you are having money issues. As far as the drinking problem, look around the house. I have had a few alcoholics in the family and they always hid their alcohol. You would most likely tell from his behavior at home as well about the drinking. I agree a married man should not be hanging out at the bar but I think it is okay sometimes- but not three times a week! Take care of this NOW! Good luck.

NO! You are not being overbearing and or overly sensitive. That’s why I’m in the process of a divorce over the three times a week bar thing. My “soon to be” ex-husband started with every once in awhile for special occasions like employee birthdays, someone leaving, promotions, etc. Then, it was the infamous “Networking” excuse. He would let me know, then after awhile he just would not let me know what he was doing, and when I would call him after work he would stop answering his cell saying he wasn’t getting a signal. It started to go for two to three times a week with it being later and later. At this point I was truly a nagging women and becoming an unhappy stay-at-home mom with 4 school age children to tend to. It got to the point where I would wonder every afternoon if this was the evening he was going to come home at a decent time. My children started to notice because they would ask me if dad was coming home early today because they wanted to talk to him about something. More and more I was becoming a single parent. It became arguments everyday about it. I was becoming depressed and I was not taking care of myself because I was consumed with where my husband was after work. I told him if he wanted to be single, single men take their own clothes to the cleaners and wash and iron and pack their own clothes. I stopped cooking what he wanted to eat for dinner. I even tried to get him to go to marriage counseling, but he refused until he knew I meant business. Unfortunately when he knew I was serious, it was too late. I finally started to tell him, “You better keep your so called friends you drink with near and dear to your heart because when I divorce you, you’re going to need a shoulder to cry on.” This went on for more than two years. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he said, “You have issues. Get some help.” I did have issues at this point. I was only getting out of bed for my children and I was drowning myself in my volunteer work. I knew my depression was getting worse and it wasn’t all because of my marriage. I finally went to a doctor to seek medical help and therapy. I also got more involved in my church and reading spiritual books. I knew I wanted out of this marriage because he wasn’t going to change, so I needed to change me. Once I got my health in order emotionally and psychologically (no help from him) better. I started to care about me and not him. A year later I filed for divorce. This was a decision that I had no doubt about because I did try everything from A to Z to save my marriage. I was able to cope with what came with filing because I was in better shape. Him on the other hand had a hard time and tried to give me a hard time about it. Yes, it got ugly but I was better prepared for everything he tried. He thought I would never divorce him.
DO NOT let him make you feel as though you are making a big thing over it. This is how it starts. Is it that important for him to be at a bar before coming home? NO! AND $25 a day adds up. Men need to have things spelled out to them sometimes. That money can go along way and $25 of beer at home can go a long way. Not to mention that it could lead to an alcohol problem. His priorities should be to you and your children. Don’t let him off the hook. As for you, don’t let yourself off the hook. Your happiness is very important for your health and for your children. Do not put that on the back burner and do not let him put you at the bottom of his priority list.
My motto is,”I filed for divorce for everyone’s sake, because if mom’s not happy no one is happy.” My kids have me back and their dad has his freedom. I had this huge weight lifted off my shoulders that I felt so free.

Nope, you're not being overly sensitive and you have an alcoholic on your hands. Aslo, who's at the bar?

Get into these problems right away.

Wendy

You did not mention whether he is going by himself or whether he is going with others, such as co-workers, as a social thing.

If it's the former, it would bother me tremendously because I would fear that he (a) is alcoholic, (b) has serious issues with the family because he wants to escape, or (c) both. If that were the case, I don't think you are being too overbearing and sensitive at all! I would think there is a problem that needs addressing and counseling.

On the other hand, if he's going with others as a social thing, I would still think three times a week is way too much, but maybe once a week would be OK with me. Sometimes it's good for us to be social and hang with friends without our spouses.

Still, it sounds like he totally disregarded your feelings and was utterly rude to you, and that's not OK.

Anyway, if my husband were going to bars 3 times a week, whether it's by himself or with others, I would have a negative reaction ranging from annoyed to seriously upset depending on the circumstances - if anything, because I have two young kids that I take care of almost all day and I expect my husband to come home as soon as he is able so he can share in household duties. My husband does come home as soon as he can on most days and I appreciate him for it. Neither of us takes a real break until both kids are in bed.

I hope I'm not sounding too judgmental. I don't know anything about you, your husband, your relationship, or your circumstances. I'm just giving my opinion as to how I would feel in your shoes, given the information you provided. Best of luck and I hope things get better soon.

Hi M.:
You've received some great responses,so I'll make this brief.I understand A man needing the feeling of comradely,and hanging out with friends from time to time,however,you don't mention (friends) His going alone, three times a week,would indicate a problem to me.Whether it be marital or a drinking problem.Neither is good. His drinking and driving,not only endangers himself,but others sharing the road.I guess he hasn't given thought,of how he would feel,if he hit and killed someone as a result of his negligence or lack of caring. He wouldn't simply destroy their families lives,but those of you and your children. His frequent trips out,would tell me,that its not so much the booze as the attention he craves at the bar.If his time spent there is simply to drink,than he should have no problem with you joining him from time to time.Then I'd drop in on him.. I'd tell him,that "If your going to spend 75 dollars a week of our hard earned money" "I'm going to enjoy some of it to! What you need to understand, is that his going three days a week,is probably (Less) than what he'd like. He thinks three days you'll find acceptable,and I think its because hes a (Busy Guy)YOU don't need HELP. He does. Forget about Lauras book, on how to be A STEPFORD WIFE) And Al-anon who will tell you over and over how to cope with an alcoholic,and beat your brain trying to figure out what YOU did to DESERVE IT! You already know what you need to do. Just do it.I wish you the best J. M

Hey M.,
In my opinion,you are completely validate in your thinking; however, I do only have your side. Have you actually asked him why he goes? Don't just let one answer be sufficient; press (gently)..."Any other reasons..." I'm NOT saying you are looking for anything bad, just a way to open a conversation....for example, maybe he goes because he needs a way to relax and it's the only way he knows how; maybe he needs a break from family....I just don't know. I do know that, sometimes, in a marriage, there are times that, for whatever reason, our spouses (or we, ourselves) don't want to come home because home is not as happy a place as it used to be. Some of us will hide in a bar or a drink, others in church, others at work, etc. There was a time in my marriage when my husband didn't want to come home because he never knew what my mood would be like. We had a lot of stress in our lives and I was having a tougher time keeping my normally positive attitude in tact. There can be many reasons...at another time, I didn't want to come home because I didn't want to engage in one more conversation about what he wasn't doing and I was for our home and family, or he wasn't really making any effort to attract me to him anymore. We've worked on these things and changed them for the positive. My point in all of this is, yes, what your husband is doing is frustrating, especially when you don't have the money, but search deeper. Maybe he's trying to say something else that he doesn't know how to say, especially if this habit is a more recent thing in the last several months. It's a difficult thing to do, to take a look from a different view, because most often we find hurt, but you are not alone and every marriage goes through its many ups and downs to keep it strong.
I wish you much luck and strength. Please let me know how things go. I've also got some great books I've read that I can recommend if you are interested. =0)
Be strong and laugh often,
L. =0)

Your husband is getting something from the bar that he is not getting at home.
Either he is an alcoholic (he could drink the beer at home for this one) or he is meeting someone there.
Find out what is drawing him to this particular bar instead of going home.
Perhaps if you have a cold beer waiting for him when he walks in the door and a big smile he won't find the need to go to a bar.

I have to say that it sounds like it may be his way of unwinding. Most bars after work are full or guys trying to unwind and relax after a long day(I used to tend bar). I am not saying that it is ok or acceptable as you 2 as a couple have to make those decisions. I would ask him why he goes and if he gives you a logical explanation, I would let it go. I would ask yourself, why does this bother you? Is it because he is out without you, spending money, drinking, all the above? Find the true root to why it is bothering you and address that issue with him. If he continues to disregard something that really bothers you, then you have to address the disrespect issue as well. I feel for you and hope that you can find a happy medium for you and your husband.

There are many reasons a person goes to a bar. Relax, see his friends, or he may be avoiding responsibility. There is also the possibility he may be developing a drinking problem.
I would suggest that you both get some counseling -- but if he won't go, then go by yourself. (When my husband and I had problems, and I felt as if he were disrespecting me, I went alone (because he wouldn't go) and found out how to talk to him, and listen to him. I have been able to quit nagging,and now he is home more and listens to me more).

I don't think so. I think he needs a reality check. Once you have a family those days of going out to bars are done. That is how I feel. Not to mention the irresponsibility he is showing by driving under the influence. He needs to focus on his family. I would suggest counceling. The therapist would probably side with you. I would not put up with my hubby doing that even once. If we go out together and have drinks we do the responsible thing and cab it. He should respect your wishes and grow up in my opinion. (sorry if that was mean, but you are probably mad at him anyway) : )

No you are not. I would be a lot more pissed than you!!!! I am no help in telling you how to handle it, only in letting you know you are not too sensitive!
Specially the part where you already let him know and he did it again anyway. Perhaps a serious talk about the marriage. I was married way too young (the first time) and was still in college. Started going out dancing at bars with my new college friends all the time. My husband didn't like that I was staying out until 2 am as a married woman, we had a huge fight about it and I stayed out until 4 am that night. I was pretty much over being married at that time, and have obviously grown since then...but was in my own having fun world out there at the time and in hind site they way I did it wasn't cool. You had better make sure this isn't what this is about.

Oh my. Being a very large group of women, I am sure you are going to get a firestorm of advice here. I will keep it short. Your husband has a drinking problem, and the money alone would be enough to put me over the edge. I once asked a boyfriend to choose me or the bar, and can you guess which one he chose?? Drinking problem. $75 a week? Times 52?? Do the math. It sounds like some serious decisions need to be made and unfortunately, they are on your part. Best of luck to you.

The best advice anyone can give you is this: Look for Al-Anon Meetings in your town. AA is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics. For so many reasons this is the best and only way to deal with your husband. It helps if your husband/child/friend/wife has a "little" drinking problem or a "big" problem.

Hi M.. It sounds like your husband is looking for something to do that is his alone. He maybe feeling stressed out and closed in and needs some "me time". It probably has nothing to do with you or your family, but something at work. Talk to him and see if he will open up to you. If not you, then maybe he has a best friend or family member that he can talk to. Othewise, you might want to suggest a gym membership, or season tickets to a sport he likes for he and a friend. (It may be a little expensive, but at least he'll have something to show for it.) Especially the gym. Don't know his age, but maybe he is hitting mid life crisis. His answer is to go drink at a bar and hang out with a younger crowd (not necessarily young as in their twentys or thirtys) but younger movers and shakers that he can network with. Just a thought. Let me know.
M.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset if it is so frequent and if you feel it is a waste of much-needed money. I am sure he is feeling that he wants to "unwind" after work and have some "transition" time before coming home. Must be nice huh? I would say that you have said you piece about it, you have planted the seed in his head and maybe back off and give it a chance to grow. I find with my husband the more I try to put my two cents in on the same issue over and over, the more he just views it as "nagging." He won't see how hurt and frustrated you are until he can see past the "nagging" and actually "hear" you. Does he get off earlier than you do and is just killing time until it's time to pick up kids? Does he pick up the kids or do you, or is that even an issue? I wouldn't want him picking up my kids after a few drinks. I would also think he is developing a pretty nasty habit.......when did this start? I would probably be curious as to who's in the bar during that time. Maybe you can "join" him unannounced by taking an hour off work or getting daycare around the time he is there. Scope it out so you can have a mental picture of where he is at and who's around. Is he just having a few beers, is he flirting with the bartender, and/or is he just blowing off steam before he comes home? As far as a drinking problem, does he drink at home too? How much and how often? If he's spending $25 at the bar each time, you can assume he's drinking about 4 or 5 beers plus a tip (they cost about $3.50 each at a bar unless he's drinking a more expensive kind). Has he had a DUI before? Those cost about $8,000 and hours and hours of community service. How old is he? Does he ever invite you to join him? Lots of questions and I'm sure you've asked yourself all of them. Would it bother you less if he bought a six pack and came straight home or would it irritate you to watch him do that? It is hard to determine what exactly makes an alcoholic or to define a "drinking problem" my guess is if you drink every day, you have a problem and if you drink in excess when you drink, then you're a binge drinker. It's a tough spot to be in, if he's going to come home to an argument about it he'll probably avoid it and stay gone longer. If he's coming home to a loving wife happy to see him, he'll probably look more forward to coming home, but then you'll be "grinning and bearing it" for awhile to see how it goes and you might feel resentful. Good luck and hopefully he will start absorbing what the right thing to do is. Also, what would happen if you were spending the same $25 on getting your nails done one day, a pedicure a few days later, and coffee at starbucks the rest of the week? Would he complain or be okay with it? Something else that might work is to not say anything and just get a girlfriend and tell him you're going out for a few drinks to relax or unwind (or whatever terminology he uses.) Don't make it sarcastic, just start doing the same thing and see if he likes a taste of his own medicine. It might help him snap out of it.

I'm going with the crowd. This is a problem. Resepct and communication are missing somewhere in your relationship. You may want to look into Al-Anon meetings. Or... This may be crazy but why don't you ask him if you can go with him? You can say that it would be nice to have a casual conversation over a beer. Two totally different options but you have options! Have faith - be strong!

Eventough I trust my husband completely and wouldn't think that he was going to the bar to meet someone else, I would still have a problem for different reasons. Number one, I would like him to come home and help me with our two year old. Also, with both of us working, I value every minute of time we can spend together. And finally, the waste of money would really bother me. I don't think you are being overly sensitive and I think he is being rather selfish.

I am not going to assume that I know you or your husband, because this is a huge part of your challenge, not just him going out, but what has happened prior that has caused him to find comfort in "going out"

rather than looking at what bothers you... maybe find out what he needs. Sounds like you guys have been married a while.. there must be some reason he has the need to escape.

Good luck.

i don't believe you are being too sensitive. i wonder if he has some problems at work or at home that he is trying to camoflauge with alcohol. how long has he been drinking like that? maybe as you said, he is an alcoholic. is there a possibility that you both can receive couples counseling? what about the possibility of speaking to a pastor? obviously he needs some positive activities to engage in, possibly with you. i will be praying for your family.

Hey M. my husband used to sit at a local bar while our daughter danced 3-4 nights a week. It was close to the dance studio and since her classes only lasted an hour he could watch more of his games that way instead of driving 15 minutes each way home and back again. However, he would invite me to come along and join him which I did on quite a few occasions. In my experience most of the clients were male, mostly married (I would sometimes be the only female besides the bartender). The regulars all seem to become pretty good friends; they talk sports, shoot pool, play music, drink beer and play golden t (a video game). I had fun going sometimes and I would advise that you make friends with the bartenders - an easy way is to tip better than the guys. In my experience the girls are really nice and friendly and will give you insider info if you befriend them - also they will call you directly if your hubby has a few too many. I think this will help with your comfort level for when he does go there. Meanwhile, you can also work on getting him there less often maybe if he only goes one night a week maybe you could buy baseball game tickets w/ the other two nights $ that would have been spent.
By the way the reason my husband stopped going is because he had more fun when i went and as i came up with other things to do he went less and less. i also pick up a 12 pack on my way home from work on Friday's and talk up how much money that has saved us by staying in and watching ESPN at home. Good luck.

Hey M.,

Yes, you have every right to be upset and concerned for every reason expressed in your request. No, you are not being overbearing and sensitive for wanting a husband who comes home after work more frequently and not to spend so much time in bars. Since you have spoken with him about this and he is not being very respectful about your feelings and concerns on this issue, I would suggest that you seek out some counseling to help you sort out your feelings and concerns and figure out how best to deal with this issue.

Please take care of yourself.

A man, or a woman, can go out to a bar after work with friends/co-workers.
BUT if you think he has a legitimate drinking problem, that is another issue.

to me, going out 3 x's per week is a bit much.
And yes, it takes money... and there is a wife/family/kids he has to be responsible for too. But, a person has right to go out. BUT, if it is compromising his ability to pay bills and be a RESPONSIBLE Husband/Father, then that is a problem.

My husband goes out after work. About once to twice a month. I have no problem with that. And if I do, I tell him, and he will adjust his priorities. If I know he has had a real busy and hard week, I see no problem with my Hubby going out to a bar for drinks and food, with his friends and co-workers. He works hard and has a right to unwind. BUT, he does it responsibly and with respect to me. And I trust him and his ability to handle himself. THAT is the difference. He would never compromise me or our kids, or my trust.

Now, if your Husband is going out to escape problems or home problems... then that is something you both have to talk about. A man, does not have to be confined to a home and not go out. Most men, go to bars or sports games, or each others house to hang out. But mostly to have camaraderie and unwind.
It's a man thing.

But, if your husband is doing it for selfish reasons, despite your and your childrens needs... then that is a problem and I would be irked too. Rightfully.

So, decide if this is a real problem, a just problem, and fair problem, and a disregard for his responsibilities at home. Then, has he been honest with you? Does he call you and tell you he is going out, or does he just do it and go "AWOL" on you and the family? Does he consider that there are also things at home that needs his attention and that maybe another time is better to go out? Can he concede to that responsibly?

You need to be able to BOTH talk about it, reasonably, rather than an "or else" kind of thing. No man, will respond nicely when pinned to a corner & nagged.... even if they are innocent. And then, it just makes the woman feel ignored.

Now, I would both talk about it. Then you can propose, that if he is going out... then on certain days, YOU can go out too and he will have to mind the home and the kids. It's only fair.

There is a difference between a man going out for being with friends and kinship... and a man just going out despite his responsibilities and ignoring all that.

Any man, married or not, can go out. Even us women. Right?
Just see what the level of the problem is... and why, and IF he has a drinking problem. Does he drink at home? does he hide it? Do you know the symptoms of alcoholism? If not, then educate yourself on it, or maybe he does not have a drinking problem.

If there are other marital problems... then this has to be addressed as well. Not just the going out. And perhaps, some kind of counseling can help.

All the best,
Susan

Hi M., sorry to say this doesn't sound good, which you know already. If he's not going with friends, he may be meeting some there, and it's a neutral place to hang out. Can you invite yourself to meet him there? Get a babysitter and go try his relaxation for once.
be prepared that he doesn't want you there because I doubt he wants you to see who he's hanging around with.
Marriage counseling and some honesty with each other is in order. Good luck, most likely it's not the alcohol unless he has a problem already. There may be another person...sorry it's so complicated. Deb

M.,

I heart goes out to you. I know of someone this happened to and what she did was have the alcohol he drank at home for him so at least he wouldn't go out and drink at the bar. You will be able to see if it's the drinking, or something else. Offer to have it at home and see how he responds and don't act you want to control the situation even you are (in a way) just make it seem like you understand his needs. This sounds like it could be he is using it to get away and he is starting to have a drinking problem.

Best of luck.

If he is going with male co-workers then yeah let him go, but maybe not that often if you're facing money issues. HOWEVER, I'd be very weary of my husband going out 3 times a week I'd wonder who he was going to meet. Might need to send a friend to the same bar to see what he's doing.

Hey M.,
I do not feel thaty you are being to overbearing and sensitive. Funny me and my husband had the same feelings except i wanted to go to the club with my girls. I went and he said he didn'thavea problem with it but than he did after he found out how many times i got on with my ring on my finger.
I believe that it's perfactly harmilous to go to the bar or something every once and a while, "for your time"but if it's coming a constant issue than it's something differant. Is he coming home drunk?
try talking to him to see if something bothering him, is that way he's drinking. I don't believe that a married man or women should go to the club, or bar. It's for single people meeting other people. I learned first hand it's not apprriacte @ all. Going together is a differant story. Hope i helped you!
def try talking to him and asking him what's bothering him. Iit could be there's something bothering him like work or something. i wouldn't tollerate him continuing to go to the bar, 3 times a week that's for sure.

M.,

The situation may not be the same as mine, but I really hope that you put a stop to it before it turns out like mine. My husband starting going to a bar for about a year and I just found out a few months ago that he was seeing a bartender. I called this female & she had told me that my husband told her our marriage was over. Try to get him to start some hobbies. Men get very stressed with the family life and need time to themself. Have him join a gym or a softball team. I hope this helps a little.

Sure your going to feel uncomfortable, this is not the kind of behavior you expect from a married man its resorting back to something a person does when they are single... he may just be bored with home life..you may learn more about why if you waited till after he was there and quietly observe from somewhere not so obvious..you dont want to get caught spying because it can be humiliating and makes you look like the bad guy to his friends.....doing what he does to give him a taste of his own medicine may only give him a better reason for it to be ok to do......I had the same problem when my kids were little, I went with the babies in the car with me, both had wet diapers because dad didnt come home with any and I had no money to buy them soooo...I observed him going with the guys he worked with and leave with a woman, he got into her car and I went to it and politely introduced myself and let him know he could stay out as long as he likes, he wasnt welcome at home......its not easy nor is it fair to have to be the "grown up one" while your partner chooses to kick up his heels....good luck!

I do not think you are being overbearing or too sensitive. It sounds like he might indeed have a dependency issue with alcohol if this is becoming 3 plus times/week. Does he drink at home too? Have you noticed any other changes in his routine or personality? I believe it's best to try to be up front with things and try to deal with them as they come up whenever possible. It might not be that he is thinking "screw you" but that his "need" for the alcohol or maybe even the "down time" in between work and home has become very important to him. It sounds like he might have something going on either physical (dependency) or emotional (feeling overwhelmed, depressed, etc.). I hope he will talk with you and be honest so things can begin to turn around...Don't stop talking to him about it though. I would not suggest "nagging" but I would keep an open dialogue.

He may just need some 'guy' time. Especially if money is tight, he may be really stressed out and needs some time away from everything to decompress. That said, I agree that a bar is probably not the best place, especially if he starts drinking frequently.

I doubt that he doesn't care how you feel, but more that he needs it and feels that your anger is unjustified and a necessary price to pay.

I would suggest either couples counseling, or try to talk to him about how he's feeling. Maybe you can two can come up with a suitable alternative like him going to a gym, or a weekly poker night with the guys... something that allows him his space and time 'away from it all'.

If he doesn't want to talk or go to counseling, at least go yourself... believe it or not, it actually does help.

Never mind why he goes, I'd sure be hoping he takes the freaking bus after downing that many beers in one afternoon?
If he actually drives, call the cops on him, maybe a DUI will beat some sense into him.
Geez.

Hi M.,

First off, what he is doing is wrong. I am in no way exusing that. I think you should ask him why he does not want to come home. It may be as simple as he doesn't think you want him there. It may be much worse, either way, putting it off is not going to change anything. Good luck, I hope it is nothing.

What your husband is doing would be unacceptable to me. I don't think you are overreacting. That being said, I have no words of wisdom. Looks like he is going to do what he wants to do, which is how alcoholics opperate- in a self centerd manner. I would try and get some good books on the subject so you can gain perspective.

$25 a night, three times a week huh? so that's $75 a week, $300 a month, $3600 a year.

Have you put it to him like that?

That's a LOT of money.

And he's saying "screw you"? Is this after you've been nagging him about spending money like that, spending time in a shady place and trying to escape you? If he's being defensive about your "nagging", that's one thing. However, a happily married man doesn't say that to his wife. I'm thinking he has a problem and feels he can't talk to you about it. He should find another way to express himself besides drinking his troubles (and money) away at a bar.

You definitely need to find some answers. I hope he is willing to give them to you sooner rather than later.

Good luck to you, and try to keep your calm when you're talking with him... don't attack, don't accuse, don't be insensitive. It will be tough.

i totally agree with you. a bar isn't the place to be if you're married. the only thing i can say as far as advise is... make home the more appealing place. look nice when he gets there, have food ready for him, make sure things are cleaned up have sex with him regularly etc. i know it sounds kind of archaic, and i am not saying it's your fault, but sometimes we have to manipulate the situation to get what we want or need and if you want your man home it's worth a shot at it. have you read proper care and feeding of husbands? there's some good stuff in there :)

Well M.,
I am a wife of an alcoholic. We have been married for 17 and going strong for 18 this year. When we were single it didn't bother me much for I drink to but (socialbly) I have my limit.Then the kids came along, of course I stopped drinking but he didn't. Long story short he has a problem! He joined an AA group was doing great but they will fall, becaue its a sickness. I wouldn't mine if he was an occasional drinker, like I go on Thursdays with my friends and have a couple of Margaritas. I believe if you make it h*** o* him (your husband) it will get worst. I have given him so many chances but didn't work, I finally this year gave him an ultamatum or I was going to move out. There's a medicine that doesn't allow him to drink or he becomes deadly ill and trows up! But I do not suggest this yet to you. First try to have him go to AA group. I don't know where you live but if its in Cali I live in the San Gabriel Valley you can look it up on the web for the nearest meeting. Just remember that your kids are first and you next! What the kids see is what they learn. I had some problems with my kids but right know they say they do not want to drink and be like their dad. Good luck.
D.:)

M.,

I totally understand your hurt...the men we love can often be sooo insensitive and their actons often do feel as if they were telling us "screw you". I would not like my husband going to a bar either- thankfully that isn't something that I've had to deal with. However, judging by the way he has reacted to anything else I've ever complained about- If I, like you, complained about him going to a bar, his reaction would be to do it more. I think you should probably offer a compromise. You could approach it something like this:

"It hurts me that you prefer to spend time without me in a bar rather than finding something that we can do together, but I've decided that IF it's that important to you to do this, I'm going to have to accept it. I only ask that you be open-minded to compromise.

"You spend $25 each time you go and lately you've been going 3 times per week. ($25*3*52) That equals $3900/year! Would you please consider cutting it down to only 1 night per week? If you do, we could save the money you'd spend on the other 2 nights and plan a vacation. ($50/week * 52 = $2600)We could plan a decent little get away!

"I'm not going to pretend that I love you going to the bar or that I will ever embrace it, but if you're willing to compromise, so am I. I love you and would prefer to spend the time with you, but if you really feel you need it, I will accept it."

Honestly, it's been my experience that the more we complain about something, the more they're likely to do it- even though they know it hurts us. I cannot say whether it is conscious or unconscious, but it happens that way- at least that's how it goes with my husband. If you choose to go this route, I trully hope it helps. If not, I understand. Good luck to you.

-I.

I don't think you're bieng over sensitive at all. For someone who used to work at a bar and someone who's been to the bar as "one of the guys" there is absolutely no way I would be ok with my husband going after work. That's just my opinion. You will undoubtedly hear several different opinions and you're gonna have to just go with what you feel. And you're right it's about his level of respect for you. He's doing something that you've specifically pointed out that "hurts" you or "offends" you and he's blowing you off. Did you suggest maybe having beer at home? It may not be the beer he's after in the first place. I don't know, I just know how I feel and I would not be OK with it at all. sorry :-)

I have the same exact problem! It is really frustrating and it makes me feel like he is 'taking the long way home'... He calls it his watering hole and says that he needs it because he is social and needs to be around people and loves to watch the baseball games with other guys. All I see is the slutty bartender girls and all the receipts with the money that could have bought our baby girl's car seat or paid bills going down the drain. He recently went overdrawn and gave me his bank card and since then he hasn't been going cuz he would have to come get the card from me. Since I write everything down and balance his checkbook (since men can't seem to grasp this concept), he also has a harder time going and bringing me a receipt from the bar. I would just add up how much he spends in a week or a month and show him what nice things he could have had but now has to go without and then tell him that now it is your turn to frivolously spend on yourself like going to the salon when he is at home with the kids... Either that, or show up at the bar and see what's really going on. Introduce yourself to his 'friends' and tell them that they should just come over and watch the game and each bring a 6 pack instead of wasting their money on tips and overpriced beer. Hope that helps, if nothing else to know that you are not alone! -N.

i see how that is an issue. i personally dont care if my husband goes to the bar after work but not that much a week. i mean really its soo much cheaper to buy a case of beer and have a few at home. i dont think hes cheating on you so im not even going to dip into that. i think that if your worried about what he does at the bar and you can get away say your going to meet him there and share a drink. good luck!

I do not believe you are being overbearing and too sensitive. On the contrary you have a valid concern. Why does he want to go to a bar 3 times a week without you? If you tell him you do not want him to go he will more than likely dig in his heels and resent you. My suggestion is to start with a compromise. Suggest he go twice a month and then you will go out twice a month while he watches the kids for you. Then you will go out together once a week as a couple to connect.
If this is a new occurance some coucilling might be a good idea.

Oh M.,
I do know how you feel. If he does have a drinking problem, even though he may feel bad about hurting your feelings, his compulsion will drive him to go drink anyway. Marriages are diffenent, and if this bothers you, that is what is important, not weather or not it bothers someone else. I am also going to suggest strongly that you get help for yourself and your own peace of mind by going to Al-Anon. There WILL be meetings in your area. I am also going to suggest that you NOT go and spy on your husband and follow him, no good will come of that. You don't have to know if your husband is an alcoholic or not to go to Al-Anon, it is for anyone who is bothered by someone else's drinking. You will find others there who know how you feel and can share what they have learned with you, their experience, strength, and HOPE. If you don't like the first mtg. you go to, go to another, and give it a real try. Please also pick up and read a book called "Getting them Sober", by Toby Rice Drews. It is a very simple and informative book that will help YOU, and he will have a better chance at sobriety if you follow what she says. It is NOT your fault that he drinks, though he may blame you, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure it either. There are others who understand, like me. I hope you will go to Al-Anon. God bless you and your family,
V.

No, I don't believe that your being too sensitive at all. His actions, from what you wrote, seems to be more accesive then normal. Do I have that right? So, I think it's normal that it would bother you and worry you with this sudden change. And the fact that he goes knowing that it bothers you isn't right. I would try compromising with him. Maybe he can cut it back some? Maybe there is another option for him to relieve stress, if that may be the problem? Maybe you can help? I hope this helps you.

M.,
I think my biggest concern here is that he is driving home from the bar after having "a couple of beers." $25 worth of beer/tips is enough to get him buzzed and it is NOT okay for him to drive home. You should talk to him about that. I have heard that you can buy a home breathalizer test at drugs stores and Walmart. Have him check his own level.

I don't think you are overbearing at all. You are concerned about him and your married life. I grew up with a dad who did just that kind of thing. He came to realize his problem was serious and sought help. Unfortunately, you can't tell him about the problem because he doesn't think he has one. He has to realize it on his own. You may want to look for some help for you from support groups. AA has a group for the spouses of alcoholics.

My heart goes out to you.
J.

I beleive your feeling are valid, and they do matter. I would assume he would be happy to come home from work, not to a bar. Maybe is there something going on in your relationship that has lead to him needing to have a drink at a bar before coming home? Ask him. Try to set some time aside to ask him to open, and try not to let your feelings rule the convo, that way he feels free to open up. There is a root to the problem, and i pray you would find it together, that way you both can conquer this together.

I don't think you are being too overbearing or too sensitive. If I was in your position I would be doing the same thing.

Is going the bar something he did before? Or is this a new thing?

I would be questioning "Why is he going to the bar?" Is it to hang out with buddies? Is to get drunk? Is to get attention from other women? Or why doesn't he want to come home? Does he just need a break from the stress of work before coming home? Or is he avoiding something at home?

It is a very rare thing for DH to drink much less go to a bar, so if this started happening I would be totally suspicious of the cause.

Hopefully you two can work this out and talk this out.

Hi M.,

Do you have the time to join your husband for a drink? Maybe have a beer or cocktail during happy hours. Once in a while I would meet my husband after work and we would go to El Toritos and have a cocktail and catch up on our day. If your husband just want to go to the bar by himself, I think something is wrong and a professional counseling would be in order.

3x a week is alot. I too would be ticked. My husband goe to a bar sometimes w/ a group of guys, and I do not care. 3x a week, every week, would bug me too. You are not crazy-but, every marriage is different. and different things bug people. why cant he have a beer at home?

I guess I don't have anything new to say, but just that I completely feel your pain. He is being excessive in his habit, and being negligent to your feelings. Going to the bar now and then after work is fine, in my opinion, and I encourage my husband to do such a thing on a regular basis (with his coworkers, not alone, that is weird and a tad creepy). Maybe you are more hurt because you had JUST talked to him about it, and he went anyway? I hate when I think something is "resolved" and it continues. I'd be curious to see if he is interested in you joining him? Maybe he is just a more social person and likes the atmosphere? Anyway, it is definitely something you need to workout, not ignore. Good luck, and keep us updated on what you figure out.

Hi M.,
I say since you know he will be visiting this so called "happy hour" hangout, I would park a distance from his work place and follow him to this bar incase you don't know where the bar is. Or better yet, borrow a friend's car and follow him. Once you observed enough, or who he hangs out with at this bar, approach him right then with his company, ask for the key of the car, and make him find his way home. Don't make a scene of anything, it makes you the big person by taking the keys, walk away, and leave him looking like a fool. Then when he comes home, it's your turn to lay it all out on the table. You got three girls, and grandchildren. No need for him to play another child on you to babysit if he puts you as bottom list rather than his wife whom he supposed to put first and respect. The rest is all up to you...either you accept it the way it is or fix it by laying the rules down now that he is caught...good luck...

I don't like my husabnd going to the bars frquently either, but every once in a while is fine. 3 times a week is way too much. Once a week or once every two weeks is enough. If he went the day you told him it bothered you, then yes, your are right in that he was basically saying, "Screw you, M.".

I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. It bothers me that he went ahead and went again after you told him how much it bothered you. Maybe you can tell him that he's spending all your bill money and you won't be able to make bills if he keeps it up. He's having more than "a few" beers if he's spending $25 each time, that's about 5 beers worth and if he's driving home after that he's going to get pulled over or killed, you can try telling him that too. Tell him how much it would hurt everyone if he was gone, maybe that will shock him.

sometimes a compromise is needed. Explain that you don't appreciate him going, but you understand it's something he wants to do. But 3x a week is too much, esp considering the finances. Ask him to limit it to once a week. My husband has been meeting the buddies for drinks every Wednesday night our entire marriage. He enjoys it, and sometimes I even join him. If he doesn't have any other vices, it might be a good compromise.

Hi M.,
It sounds like your husband may have a drinking problem. It also sounds as though he is using his trip to the bar, and the alcohol, to help him cope with stress. Many men have a hard time figuring out what stresses them out, and so they act out the emotion with no understanding of why. Perhaps you can encourage him to see a counselor, or talk to a pastor or a close, mature male friend.
Also, there are healthier alternatives to dealing with stress. Exercise is excellent, and offers multiple benefits including: a healthy heart and lungs, less body fat, more muscle, and most importantly endorphins which are natural mood elevators.

Hi M., I don't think you are being over sensitive, I think most wive's would not want their husbands going to a bar after work or any other time. Most people need to realx aftr work, so as a wife sweetie, do you make sure that when your husband does come home, the house is quiet, clean, does he walk in the smell of dinner cooking, this might sound a tad old fashion but it's important to some men, give him a reason to want to come straight home, ask your self would I want to come to me and the house at the end of each day? make sure your girls give daddy some relaxation time before they bombard him about things When he comes home is he drunk? Change anything that needs to be changed, and if that does not work then he may need some help with the drinking. Hope this helps. J. L.