Advice About Teenagers Who Are Not Your Child but Are Your Child by Marriage.

I have three step children (two twin girls and a son that was adopted by my husband) and two biological children. I have been married for eight years. We have raised, pretty much single-handedly, the girls. Although we tried to raise my older stepson for about a year, he openly preferred living with his biological family and has done so for the past seven years. We found out recently that he dropped out of school. This development was devestating to my husband and me.

Your situation is extremely touchy and I understand both your and your husband's points of view. I think that cutting all monetary ties at your son's age would make him extremely resentful and, being that he lives a distance away, it may alienate him from your husband because teenagers don't see the larger picture of things. On the other hand, I do think that some sort of punishment plan that is in your control is appropriate. I think a long talk and/or a visit is in order with consequences that you and your husband can agree on. Perhaps a third-party counselor can do wonders for getting him back on track. Of course, the goal is to get him back on track for the long haul through any means necessary because dropping out of school will affect his life forever.

The natural consequences (both positive and negative) to our choices are our best learning tools and are a gift, really. So don't take that wonderful gift away from. It is key for him to develop into a responsible, happy, well-adjusted adult who contributes to society and thinks long and hard about the consequences of his actions. You want long-term success here, which takes conscious effort. I would probably not be paying for his cell phone bill, even if he was staying out of trouble. It's great for kids to have to work for and earn what they want in order to better prepare them for how the real world works and for managing money.

You certainly don't want to come across as punitive, so make sure your heart is right and full of love and true empathy for the consequences he is bringing into his life. But put full responsibility on him, not you. These are HIS choices and HIS consequences and it is completely up to him to change HIS choices and the resulting consequences if he wants to. How empowering once he learns that life is as happy or miserable and he CHOOSES to make it! And build the relationship up in meaningful ways where you can.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic Parenting classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful). The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. They address parenting children of all ages.

Logical consequences for actions are best. Take things away until he straightens up. He is at a critical juncture and you don't want him to continue down the path. Your husband needs to understand that there MUST be consequences for his actions and the child must bear them or they will never change their ways.

Taking the "stuff" away works. Instead of the whole phone you could take away the text messaging. I know that my kids are codependent on texting. You can always start giving things back as the behavior improves. Not doing anything is the worse thing. My nephew is a prime example. He never suffered consequences and now he is 21 with a live in girlfriend and a 18 month old son. They are completely supported by the parents and the parents are very "stressed out".

What you are suggesting is NOT too much pressure but the necessary actions for the good of the child. Point out to your husband what the long term consequences will be. Does he want to be supporting this child until he is 30. Does he want to support a girlfriend and possibly a grandchild too.

Family counseling would be a great idea if you can afford it. The counselor will be able to get everyone on the same page.

J.,

I don't envy you. My step daughter moved in with us and then 10 months later ran away to her boyfriend. She had stopped going to school but still dressed like she had. My husband let her go since he had done something similar and felt he understood her and did't want to battle it out until she was 18 (five months away).

I come from a different background. There are consequences and you do what you are told. I would have brought her back, take away the car and cell phone and driven her to school. She may have graduate high school instead of dropping out. The boyfriend may have drift off instead of talking her into a motorcycle instead of her car. I will alway wonder if we could have done more if my opinion had counted.

Don't get me wrong, "my life" and household is much better without her moody selfish pressence. But anger doesn't stop you from loving them and wanting what is best for them. Good luck this is a difficult time to parent and be a parent.

I have 2 very well adjusted teens (step). Their father and I have been married for 7 years. One of the things that I was adamant about before we got married is that I am his wife and all family decisions, including decisions about kids from his first marraige, need to be discussed with me. All of the decisions he makes DO impact me and I felt very strongly that I should be consulted. We are a family unit and should make decisions as a family. Cell phones and insurance would all have to be a joint decision as I am held liable for those kinds of things because I am his wife. My husband also used to use the excuse that he had to do things differently because his kids came from a broken home but I disagree. I think that normalcy was best for them and things seem to have worked out. We did seek counseling and I think the kids understand that the rules at each house don't have to be the same but they do have to be followed.