Hi. I am a mother of a 9 year old girl and a 4.5 year old boy. In the past year my son has become increasingly aggressive with his sister--or so I thought it was just aggression with her until he punched the neighbor girl in the nose for not giving her a toy and hit 2 boys at school. He has begun throwing these ridiculously long and pretty heated temper tantrums. It seems as he's getting older that his behavior is getting worse. He was a fantastic baby and just as good a toddler. He always has had an extremely laid back, quiet demeanor and the last year a different person is emerging. He uses his words to ask for what he wants, but when he doesn't get his way he lashes out with hitting. Please tell me this is just a phase and is partially related to the fact that he is a boy. My daughter was not aggressive in any way, so this is really throwing me for a loop. I am at my wits end and need some advice from other moms on how to handle his temper tantrums...I feel like he should have acted like this at 2 years old...not almost 5! Any advice or help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
My stepson came to live with us when he was 4.5 because of similar behavior that his mother could not control. It started at age 3.5. We immediately had him evaluated and learned that it was sensory integration deficiencies, a type of developmental delay that can be treated by an occupational therapist. That's my suggestion.
I feel your pain. My oldest is 4.5 years old too and he was perfect up until about 2. 5 - 3 yrs old. As he got older he became more aggressive than before. I noticed that he is more violent (by this I mean he beats on my rear end) when other people are around and especially when his 2 other brothers came along. I think it's his way of getting some of the attention that's been taken away from him since he's no longer my only child. I just tell him that hitting me is a bad choice and if he continues he'll have to go into time out with his arms up the whole time. The one thing I learned is that our kids are not bad kids. They just make bad choices. Sometimes my son will start hitting me or giving me a bad attitude because he's bored. Eventhough our sons are 4.5 years old and more capable of communicating better than before I think they still have a hard time expressing what they feel and turn towards aggression. Also how we treat them affects them too. I hear my oldest talk to his brother the way I talk to him when I'm annoyed or angry. It's a boy thing as well as the inability to fully express their feelings in a right way. When my son has chilled out I speak with him about his choices and what good choices he can do instead. I also try to get him to understand how the person receiving his actions feels and how he would feel if someone did the same thing to him. Hang in there and good luck.
My son just turned 5, and we've had some similar experiences for the past year- more aggression, more "attitude", etc. We have talked to our son's teachers and read books and articles, and came to the conclusion that boys who don't know how to deal with their anger properly tend to act out their anger. The key is to find a way for your son to deal with his anger, that doesn't involve physical aggression. We made up a cute little rhyme about being mad that we yell while we stomp our feet on the ground, and it tends to lighten the mood when my son gets angry. The physical aggression has been minimized tremendously. The other suggestion someone gave us was to teach our son to take deep breaths in and out when he's upset, to calm down. That has helped too.
Wish you luck, but know you're not alone.
V.,
You might find it useful to pick up the book "Is This Your Child?" by Doris Rapp. It's possible this is some type of undiagnosed allergy. Her book has some enlightening stories of the way some children react to foods, artificial colors, flavors, etc. Think back to when this behavior started. Has anything been introduced into his diet? Is he drinking anything with artificial sweeteners in them? You have to be a food detective, and Doris Rapp tells you how to do it. It's even made me start to look at how I feel the next day after I eat certain foods. Quite an enlightening book!
An over growth of yeast can cause aggressive behavior. get him on allergy free milk and wheat etc free probiotics and take yeast and sugar out of his diet as much as you can. Does he have food allergies? Fo you ahve bipolar disorder in your family history? get the book Is this your Child by Doris Raap see if that sounds like him? Good luck
J.
they say boys tend to be more physical, but that does NOT mean it is ok for him to lash out physically. it could definitely be that he is 4. my daughter was beautiful and laid back until 4...and then a new child from 4-7.
i am a proponent of ignoring temper tantrums no matter where they take place, and when they are done, THEN sitting down to talk about what the issue was. but hitting is not acceptable period. i would remove him from the situation, put him by himself, and when he calms down then talk to him about sharing or whatever he hit about.
Your son may be going through a phase and doesn't know how to curb his anger - is he still pretty easygoing or does he get angry quickly? Did something change? Is he frustrated with something at home and vying for your attention or did maybe one of his friends move? Does he get enough sleep? He needs to learn NOT to use his fists and throw tantrums. Easier said than done. How do you respond when he does this? Is your response swift? Do you remove him from the scene, making sure he doesn't have an audience? I would talk to him when he is in a good mood. Maybe do some role playing with toys. Mention the temper tantrums and anger. Be clear that you won't tolerate that behavior anymore. Explain that there are consequences when he acts like that but, you don't need to know exactly what those consequences are until an incident occurs, then creatively come up with the right punishment. (If you ask my kids, they'll tell you I've come up with some good ones - keeps them on their toes!) Tell him when he's angry, next time, what he can do to control himself is - "Stop!" "Take a step back!" (so he doesn't hurt anyone should he swing!) Use his words and work on negotiating skills, and if he is very angry - where can he go to give himself a "break" (my kids go and beat on a pillow with a door closed) Comment positively when he handles his anger or friendships well. It's an ongoing process but ... be patient. He'll come along. Best of luck to you.
I have three boys. My first and my third didn't throw tantrums at all. My youngest did. He didn't and doesn't punch people in the nose. He rough houses with his brothers and his father. He doesn't do it with his classmates or friends. If the situation got close to that point, we put him in time out or quiet chair or away from the situation in general. We talked about how to direct his anger. He now puts himself away from the situation. He gets angry he goes in his room, thinks about it, comes back out and tells us how it could have been done differently. He is 6. Maybe find another outlet for him so that he can redirect.
Good Luck.
i can feel your pain!i have 2 boys( 15months apart)! but i really believe it is a boy thing. mine tend to be more aggressive and physical than my nieces. what works for us, is making sure they get thier energy out in the proper way (running,soccer, ect...)anything that involves movement! good nutrition and the right amount of sleep. if any of that is off, you can bet the aggression will start! we also remind them to use words and tell them to be kind! good luck!
Talk to your son...try to find out why he is getting so angry (divorce? not enough attention? etc). Have you talked to his dr about this behavior? My son who is 2 wenth through an out of control biting phase. Turns out he was getting his molars so he was super crabby, not listening and biting. Maybe there's some sort of medical thing going on?
