3 Year Old Needs to Sleep on Her Own!

Hi Keddy,

This is just my opinion so please take it as such and my best wishes for finding a solution that works for your family. In my opinion it is a bit early to be expecting a co-sleeper since birth to be comfortable sleeping on her own in a separate room. Most co-sleeping kids I know didn't get there until 4 or 5 years of age. We have made a compromise in my house in that my son's bed is right next to ours. The room is cramped and doesn't look "normal", but it works for us. We set up the bed and just let our son (3 years old) play on it and decorate the walls around it with his favorite characters and such. Then we encouraged him to start out each night on his own bed. He would crawl in with us at some point most nights for the first two months. Then he slowly began to stay in his own bed more and more. Now he only wants to hold me hand sometimes to fall asleep and he stays in his bed (took him about 5 months to get to this point). (Mind you he was giving us signs that he was ready to be more independent in his waking life and his kicking me at night was getting really old, so we both had reasons to make it work. I don't think we could have made this change until he was ready for it because in the past like your daughter he would just guilt me into doing things or changing things back when we tried to push him into doing things he wasn't ready for yet.) This works for us because he can still feel secure with us right there, I can read bed time stories to him comfortably, I can see whats going on when he does get scared at night (which is pretty rare), and I can comfort him without getting out of my own bed or having to put him in bed with me and my husband.

You would probably need to still adapt the situation to your needs as it really sounds like what you want is for her to go to sleep before you. Are you expecting/wanting her to sleep in your bed without you or in her own bed in a separate room. If the issue is a separate room then you could try just a separate bed in your room as a transition phase for her to feel more secure and still allow you to have your own bed. If you are wanting her to sleep in your bed without you at first then you could try making sure that the bed feels secure to her without you there, like making pillow barriers (extra pillows under the fitted sheet) to help her feel more snug. Maybe a moving night light or GloWorm (something that is comforting) that she can look at or listen to when she wakes up and you are not there.

Good Luck,
S.

Hi Keddy,

I've got three daughters, all of whom co-slept with us as long as they seemed to need it and as long as we were also able to get sleep. YOU may be very conscious of Olivia's age and whatever developmental "norms" you feel "should" be occurring at that age, but OLIVIA is only aware that she still feels a need for Mommy to help her get to sleep and still feels a need for the snuggling that is, after all, much more natural for all mammals, including humans, than is sleeping alone.

I suggest that if you are really feeling strongly about moving her to her own bed, you begin with nap time, and stay completely away from night time until nap time feels ok in a different bed. Do this for at least a couple of weeks, successfully--the time it takes to get to that point does not count. Then, ever so gradually, begin to let her know that HER bedtime is not the same as YOUR bedtime--since you are a grownup. Promise her that, if she goes to sleep on her own, you will come and bring her in with you when you go to sleep--and then KEEP that promise faithfully. Same timing here--it may take a bit of time before this works well, but don't push further until Olivia knows this is ok for HER, at least two weeks of successfully having this work.

And then, do some soul-searching...what is the reason you believe she needs to sleep on her own? Is it because of someone else telling you that she "should"? Or is it because you really feel a strong need to have your own bed? Is there anything you will miss about sleeping with your little girl? (I personally loved that snuggly loving closeness, and it never comes back to that level once it is gone).

Maybe at that point, if you strongly feel it is necessary to go further, you could offer Olivia a few nights a week that will be your "sleepover" nights where she can join you in bed--and let her know that your bed is ALWAYS available for particularly difficult times when she needs you more.

Gradually, gradually, your little sweetie will grow up and not want to be in your bed anymore, but after you and she have reached that compromise point, then it can be HER decision to take it to the final point.

Fiora

1) commit yourself, you have to be willing to go through a few tough days. The longer you wait to have your chld sleep on her own the harder it is to get it done.

2) Make sure her bedtime is before yours. Mos children do good with a 9 O'clock bedtime

3) Every time she walks out and TRIES to guilt-trip you, pick her up, put her back in her room, tell her to go to sleep.

4) If you are really having trouble, put up a baby gate for a couple of hours so she will definitely get the point that she has to stay in there.

5) Have story time in her room. If you do this she might get drowsy in her room and you won't have to move her.

6) make it part of the routine. Make sure don't give in to her wanting to sleep with you. She is smart and is only testing you to see if she can get what she wants.

I am NOT an expert on this. There are tons of articles and stuff online about getting children to sleep on their own. Since you have waited so long this will be a challenge. You should not expect it to be easy. It was a challenge for me with my daughter at 5 mos, and it took about a week for her, and me to get used to it. It takes a lot of backbone and hard work. I wish you luck and hope it goes as easily as possible for you!

Best wishes!
-J.

I don't have exactly the same issue, though we co-sleep occassionally with our 2 1/2 yr old. But when we switched to a toddler bed and he could get up and walk around, we had a harder time getting him to fall asleep soon after hitting the bed. He just realized he could get up and walk around, and was more interested in that, and also with the warm weather and long days, was not as tired in the evenings. Anyway what I do is just keep gently walking him back to bed, just saying OK, it's time to be in bed, let's go back to your bed and lay down, without any frustration, anger, or negative vibes whatsoever (like he's being bad or something). I kind of compromise if he's very wakeful, and may rock him, or rub his back and tell him a story in his bed (keeping the lights off for bed time atmosphere). It doesn't go perfectly all the time, but most of the time it works, and more and more often he's just staying there after we read books. I recommend just doing it gently, in stages. Best wishes!

Dear Keddy

You are right your little girl needs to move out of the shared bed. You don't say if her father is also in the shared bed or if you are a single mother.

When she comes out of the room gently walk her back in and say "You are going to go to sleep now. You are a big girl, nearly three years old and you can do it." Offer music for a short time to play until she goes to sleep.
If she cries don't feel guilty it has worked before and so she will try crying. It seems to me you make a good ritual out of the bedtime routine and have done all a parent can do. Just be gentle but firm.
I also raised my children alone and put all my personal calls and reading off until after they went to sleep. A set bedtime by the clock is best, winter and summer.

The way that I did it was to gradually ween myself out of the process. First I told her that I would sit and hold her hand, but would not lay down. After she got used to that, I used both hands to read a book while sitting near her but not touching her. After she got used to that, I sat in a chair near the door and read without looking at her or talking to her. After she got used to that, I told her I needed to get a load of laundry or a load of dishes done and I would be back soon. First I only took 10 minutes then sat back in my chair. I gradually increased the time I "worked" to 20 minutes. By the time she got used to that, I was able to just tell her that she could go to sleep on her own.

Getting my daughter to go to sleep on her own was a big enough relief that I didn't mind her sleeping with us until she was four. By then, I let her pick out her own big bed and room decorations and nightlight and we worked out a reward system to get her to stay in her own room as well as rules about when she could come back to my bed. At first, she had to fall asleep in her bed, but as soon as she woke up, she could join us. The it was that she could not come to our bed until the sun was up. Eventually, it got to be that she was not allowed to get out of her bed until the clock was 7 or more (put tape over the minute display so only the hour shows).

Good luck... I tried all kinds of cry it out and cold turkey methods, and none worked for my daughter. The gradual approach worked great!

Hello,

I read your entry and wanted to respond because I went through the same experience. My parenting style/philosophy is attachment parenting -- I nursed my boys for a long time, they slept in our bed when little, I stayed home and was with them most of the time. I'm really happy with that style and always felt it was the best thing for a child to be near his/her mother.

At a certain point, however wonderful it is to be so close to your child, you need to be able to put her to sleep without you having to go through extraordinary steps. What finally helped me out was when I went to the pediatrician for a regular annual checkup for my son and she said, "You are not a bad parent for closing the bedroom door on a screaming child." She said that after three to four days of putting my sons to bed and closing the door, they would be able to fall asleep on their own. It's important that children be able to comfort themselves to sleep.

I hope this helps.

Hi Keddy,

My daughter turned 2 at the end of April and she had been co-sleeping with us since she was born. About a month ago, I felt like it was time for her to move to her big girl bed. I happened to read an article in Parenting (I think) that said in order to get her to sleep in her own room, you need to sleep on the floor next to her bed for a few nights, all night so that when she wakes up you're still there and her fears will be calmed right away. I thought "there's no way that I'll be able to leave her floor ever again"! It took about 6 nights and she has been in her room ever since. I still stay with her until she falls asleep and if she gets upset about me leaving her once she is asleep, I tell her that if she needs me to just call for me and I'll come right away. It has worked great. The first couple nights on the floor were rough (sore body, little sleep), but it's worth it! The article said that this technique kind of pushes a reset button. Good luck, hope this helps!