3 1/2 Yo Won't Feed Himself!

Without the parents being on board with this, there's nothing she can do. I vote letting the 4 year program teachers deal with this. When they tell the parents, fix this at home or he's out of the program, they will get on board and stop this following around thing.

What a mess - what are these parents thinking?

Dawn

Umm, wow.

At that age, he should want to do everything all by himself. Kind of sad how far behind they have let him fall. Luckily, younger kids can learn the right things quickly! Fork and spoon at all times, sit down for all meals, no negotiating.

Well, I don't mean to sound mean at all, but I'm not at all surprised he won't eat by himself since he's never been made too. At his age he just expects it to be done for him and since table manners and "normal" eating behavior has never been enforced it is likely a strange thing for him. Why on earth do they feed him with their fingers instead of utensils?
Anyway, I suggest she start practicing every day for every meal that she has him for. He's old enough to understand what he's being asked to do, so have her explain what's happening and why. Model correct behavior--sit down at the table with food. She should use utensils. But, first he needs to be able to eat with his fingers, so dry cereal and fruit pieces are good.
If he won't eat, tell him that's fine, he can try again at snack time (or lunch).
Do not under any circumstances feed him herself. She can help him pick up the food if he doesn't know how, but he puts the food in his mouth himself. At the next meal time try again. A sandwich or something easy to hold is a good idea. He'll be hungry if he didn't eat breakfast, so it could be easier. He won't starve himself, so she shouldn't worry about that. He'll eat when he gets hungry enough. Give him some milk if she's really worried.
For a list of good "starting out" foods look up foods for babies learning to self-feed. some: pretzels, fruit pieces, cereal, cheese, granola bar, crackers etc.
Good luck!

I didn't read all the other answers, but he already knows HOW to feed himself if he's eating popcorn by himself. I can't believe a grandmother would stoop to following the parents' example when it's soooo blatantly incorrect!!! Enough judgement.

She should sit him down, explain what the new rules are: sit AT the table at meal time, if he gets up, he's finished and food will be removed till next meal. There are some things you can eat with your fingers, but others than must be eaten with utensils and if he doesn't know which, he can certainly ask!! I'm assuming he does speak. Food and drinks are strickly eaten and drank AT the table. Don't give in to anything else!!!

I would think that by the end of week - he'll be fine with ALL the changes - even if the parents AREN'T abiding by them!!!

This is insanity!
Sit that boy at the table and let him scream and holler all he wants. He will get hungry enough to feed himself, even if it is just with his fingers. Fork and spoon can come later.
He cannot learn his hunger cues if he is followed around all day with food, Once he gets to school, no one will force him to eat, or hand feed him. He is a boy, not a bird!

He is probably a kid who does not ever want to sit still and they started this just to get some food into him. I would tell him that at age 4 all kids have to feed themselves and no more having grandma feed you. I would work on having him sit at the table and practice feeding himself as much as possible. At age 4 your sister and his parents all need to make the deal to totally stop hand feeding him. He will do what the other kids do in his program and will be fine. He will get it. But the grownups have to all agree and they all have to stop! I remember when my son was little he hated sitting for even 5 minutes at the table. We worked on it and worked on in...and he learned. Your sister can set a timer for 1 minute and then praise him like crazy. Then tell him the next time it will be 2 minutes. She can give him positive rewards for sitting there longer and longer each time.

Ummm, well, that is going to be a challenge. Has he like never really used a spoon...like as in no one has fed him anything from a spoon either?

I'd say start with feeding him off of spoons and forks and go from there. No more finger feeding into his mouth, he is not a bird. I would say tell him straight up that this method is coming to an end...okay, well actually I take that back, maybe first I would get him to sit at the table and I suppose she could still feed him but just get him to sit down. Then I'd move on to feeding him only with utensils and then making him do it all by himself. He is 3.5 so he can understand what she is going to tell him. He won't like it, but he will understand. Maybe have her set up a chart of some kind that he can put stickers on to earn prizes if he sits at the table, uses silverware, feeds himself, etc. Even if she just does (and probably should) one skill at a time.

Even if she fixes him Instant Breakfast he needs to sit down at the table and drink it.

i agree with Live Bold. absolutely ridiculous. there's nothing your friend can do except watch the train wreck. i wonder if they are so screwed up on this issue, how many other things are they screwing up with this child. so sad.

i do suggest she immediately STOP the carnation instant breakfasts. if SHE keeps catering to him that means EVERYONE in his life is doing it. unfortunately, now it it would on her to teach this kid how to feed himself. she needs to put the food in front of him at the table, and walk away. some guidance will be needed because literally this kid will have NO idea how to feed himself, and that's not his fault - but it is not her job to follow this kid around like a freakin house servant placing tiny morsels of goodness in the royal prince's mouth. BULL. there is no way in H*** that would ever stand in my house. my kid or not. (tell her, don't worry whether he eats or not. if he doesn't eat, he's not hungry. if he's a bit stubborn and just waits till he is with mom and dad so they will hand feed him, so be it. NOT HER PROBLEM. i would tell the parents flat out, this is a completely ignorant way to raise your child and i will NOT do it. if he doesn't eat here, you can feed him. i refuse to cater to this foolishness.)

that is SO disgusting to me. absolutely disgusting.

Routine is key. When it's time to eat, he gets in the highchair and eats. She can start by feeding him a little and putting the food on his plate or tray, but she needs to make it clear that big boys feed themselves. He will get the picture eventually, IN fact it may even be easier to get him to eat if he has control over what he is eating and how. He is probably fighting it as an attempt to assert his independence. Once meal time is over, your done. He needs to wait until the next meal time. It may take a few days and some frustration but it will work you have to stay consistent and within the routine.

Hope it works out!

If he knows how to feed himself (because he does eat popcorn), things might go better at school than you think they will, because of peer pressure. My son started preschool at 20 months. I had just brought him home from China, and this program had just started their under-2 class for the first time. I told them I didn't think he'd sit and eat with the rest of the kids. He had obviously been babied in the group foster home (but we are thankful that he was in one that showed him an enormous amount of love, so that didn't bother us), and I didn't think he'd sit and feed himself. And when he went to school with his peers? He sat there and he ate. I was shocked. I didn't get that behavior at home. We had just begun trying to get him to eat with utensils.

Otherwise, at home, I'd stop feeding him and just give him his food. If he's hungry, he'll eventually find a way to get it in his mouth. Give lots of praise when he does it. There will be tantrums; there will be times when he won't eat a thing, but if you give in, he won't do it for you. I suspect he might eat for someone else, but not for a family member. My kids are notorious for being little angels at school--I usually leave parent teacher conferences flabbergasted that my daughter's very serious issues never come up at school... hmmm.... basically, there are certain extreme behaviors that she practically gift-wraps just for family.

There's no telling whether he'll follow his peers or not until you get him in that situation, but you never know.

I agree with Jennifer T. I'd be embarrassed running around after an almost 4 yr old that cant.. I mean WONT feed himself. If SHE wouldnt run around the house feeding him, he would eventually eat. WHY would he want to feed himself when he has his own personal "maid" to do it for him. He WONT starve himself, he WILL eat when he gets hungry enough. Sounds to me like its just laziness. The 4 yr old is controlling that situation.

As my pediatrician told me when my 9 month old was not eating solid foods, children will not starve themselves.

I suggest that she start sitting at a table and put him in a booster seat. She can still feed him with her fingers but slowly begin challenging him to eat with his own fingers. Then, I would begin teaching him to eat w/ utensils. She should eat at the same time but refrain from giving him his food. He should have to stay seated until everyone is done eating. Children learn by watching their parents.

If he does not eat, I would not worry. He will eventually be hungry and realize that the only way to eat is by him putting his own food in his mouth himself.

I would say just start like you would a younger child and have lots of patience! It's new.

Put him in a chair at the table, sit in a chair with him, put the food on the plate in front of him with a spoon/fork and feed him the first few bites so he gets the idea and then tell him to feed himself. Make a big deal out of the fact that he's a big boy now and he can feed himself now and what a great thing that is. The hardest part is going to be getting him to sit still at the table. He should have learned that as soon as he started eating solids!

Does your sister want to try something new or is she just doing what she can to get food in him? Sometimes it is just easier to go with what isn't good if you don't have the energy to do what you know is right. All of your suggestions would be pointless if she doesn't have the energy and support to do the hard work of retraining him. It will mean that he will have to go without eating sometimes until he learns that he will only get food if he starts to follow new rules. She will deal with an extremely unhappy child as it won't make sense to him why things have to change. She cannot get angry with him because he will not understand why he is being "tortured" and "mistreated." She will need to use a lot of praise when he makes small steps of progress.

I have a 3 1/2 year old nephew who will only eat a handful of foods, and only if he has chosen it. He doesn't eat at daycare, except for a few pieces of peaches. My BIL and SIL know they need to make some changes but it can't be done here and there. The hard part is that it will take days upon days of dealing with an unhappy child that has been taught a whole different eating routine for most of his life. It will be miserable during the process.

Are you able to be there as a support for your sister? Call and ask how you can help. She just might need a break from some screaming, for example, where she can go run some errands.