2 Yr Old Behavior Advice (Oh How Different My Two Boys Are!)

I have two girls and yes they are very different. My youngest started preschool this past fall and even her teacher said to me "Well, G is a lot different then E" (She also taught my oldest) But the funny thing is that we both agree we like the differences.

I think as for treating them equal, you just can't all the time. That goes for disciplining them too. And I'm still learning as I go. I think the key is to find what works for each individual child. Good luck!

Yes my three sons are all very different. I'm glad I had my toughest one first - it was a humbling experience and spared me from ever being smug or sanctimonious about how great a parent I was or am. Any time I think I've got it right, he's right there to let me know that nope, I don't have it all figured out. Therefore, I've read lots and lots and lots of parenting books. Some have been a good fit and others just would have not worked for me or him.

One book that I really, really found to be a lifeline was "Raising Your Spirited Child." More than any other book, it made me strip down all of my preconceived notions of what a baby/toddler/pre-schooler "should" do or "should" be and got me to see my son as he is and help him to learn to live in his own skin and manage his behavior accordingly. As you have learned, kids aren't just some blob of clay to be molded into who we want them to be - they have their own innate quirks and character and traits and temperament and as parents, I think the most important thing we can do is to respect them, love them, and work with them as they are. Kudos to you for not trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.

No magic bullets -- sorry -- but I wonder if you might have answered your own question toward the end. What if "It was a long tantrum until he got over it" IS the answer you're looking for -- if you just have a kid who needs to express his frustration long, loud, and clear?

With my own son, when he's frustrated, angry, or upset, he needs to get himself away from everyone and get it together on his own. People are always trying to override this -- we get a lot of "wait, Noah, come back" -- but I've learned to tell them, "He just needs a few minutes alone to pull himself together." With your son, rather than trying to stop tantrums, you might try thinking of them as a coping skill. You might tell him something like, "It's fine to yell if you're mad, but that won't necessarily change things."

Oh yeah. :)
Except it was my 1st (a girl) who was/still is my "spirited child".
Your popsicle story is her to a T.
And my son is just the opposite.

It's just who they are. I am still learning how to deal w/ my DD (she's 6). I have read or rather perused a few books that have helped reassure me that my kid is not so different from other kids as I initially had assumed.
I was your friend-and I felt like a freak. Still do some days.

Here's a couple books that I identified w/: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev/dp/...

http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...

HTH! GL!

Your 2nd son sounds exactly like my first. He is very strong willed and determined. The popsicle incident sounds like something I've dealt with on numerous occassions. I don't necessarily have a solution for you, but would just say to be patient and give it some time. Because he is so different from your first son, its going to take some time for you to figure out what works for him. Pick your battles and stay firm with him. Let him have his tantrums and he will realize they don't get him what he wants. Yes, I know its frustrating to spend 30 minutes dealing with a tantrum when you had plans to leave the house for the zoo, but it will get better as you both learn how to deal with it. My son sounds so much like yours. He had a temper as a baby, threw tantrums before he was a year old, went through a stage where he refused to wear pants (could take several time-outs and tantrums just to leave the house), cried when we had to leave, hates when things are broken or out of place, etc. He will go through stages with this and things will get better as long as you are first and consistent. My son is almost 3 now and does well with time warnings before its time to leave, has no problem getting dressed in the mornings, and is usually able to control his temper even if it means putting himself in a time-out until he calms down. You are right. It is his personality, which you will not change, you just need to learn to manage it.

My stepsons were (and still are) very different from each other. Granted, I didn't meet them until they were 5 and 6, but their dad will tell you that they were different from Day 1. Son #1 - laid-back, easy-going, Mr. Go With The Flow, hardly ever gets upset about anything. Son #2 - total opposite, square peg in a round hole, disagrees with everything, always wants something different from what everyone else wants. My husband joked that Son #1 didn't cry for the first 3 months of his life while Son #2 came out screaming and crying and still hasn't stopped - and they are now 17 and 18!

Our daughter is 4 and she is the very definition of spirited and strong-willed. She is easy-going and agreeable when she wants to be, is an absolute sweetie-pie (her preschool teacher told me she is the happiest and most well-adjusted child she's ever seen!), but when she gets it in her head that she wants something, or wants something a certain way, there's no convincing her otherwise. I have found that in those times, it helps to give her limited choices, but also let her know absolutely what is and what is not okay. I have to be very, VERY firm and consistent with her because wavering from the rules once will mean she will want it that way every time and she will try to wear me down with all she has to get me to change my mind. For example, the other day she wanted to wear a dress to school that was more appropriate for warm spring/summer weather, and right now it is February in Michigan, so you can imagine it is not very warm at all. I told her she could wear the dress, but she had to layer underneath with a long-sleeved shirt and some leggings or tights. No, she just wanted the dress, and she argued that she would be fine, and she had "a better plan." It didn't matter that it was 35 degrees out, she didn't care. So I simply told her, you wear it with the layers, or you are not wearing it at all. And if she didn't make up her mind to wear something appropriate, she was not going to school, period. It took her 10 minutes of whining and pleading but I just remained calm and stood firm - these are your choices, take it or leave it. Eventually she relented and agreed to the extras. There are also many times she gives me a hard time about what is for dinner, because she would rather just eat PBJ or pizza or a hot dog. Nope, this is what is for dinner. If you don't want to eat it, you don't have to, but I am not fixing something else. Sometimes it is an hour before she decides to eat but eventually hunger wins, and she realizes I am not changing my mind. If she freaks out because we are leaving somewhere and she doesn't want to go yet, we leave anyway and she is told we are not coming back anytime soon because she is not cooperating with me right now. Then when she asks me at some point can we go to XYZ, I can tell her, no, because you weren't good about leaving last time, and I am not going to do extra fun things with you if you are not going to be good for Mommy. I've found that, now that she is 4, it helps a little to let her talk and state her feelings and let her feel like she was been heard, but I still have to let her know that it's okay she feels how she feels, but it's not going to chance what I do or what is going to happen.

You are not going to be able to treat them the same because they just are NOT the same! What works with one will not necessarily work with the other and they need to be treated and honored as individuals. With him being 2, some of what you described really is just him being 2 - like thinking that Mommy can somehow magically fix the popsicle. My daughter could be like that too at that age - if she wanted blueberries for a snack but I didn't have any, she still thought somehow I could just make them appear. It didn't matter how many times I told her I had to get more from the store, she was still convinced they were in the house somewhere. Now that she is 4, she gets it. Sometimes it just takes time.

If he is really tantruming, the best thing you can probably do is leave him alone (as long as he is not someplace where he can hurt himself) and let it blow itself out. You can't fix everything and you can't always make them happy - sometimes the less you come to their rescue, the more resourceful and independent they become. They learn to be happy on their own, which in the end, is what you really want. It is going to be rough few years but the more you accept your son for who he is, and appreciate the traits that he has, the easier it will be. A couple of books that really helped me in the discipline department were "1-2-3 Magic!" by Thomas Phelan and "Disciplining Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie.

As hard as it is now to deal with it, that strong-willed personality will most likely pay off for your son in a big way down the road! Like my daughter, he will be the kid who doesn't just take no for an answer, who does not give up so easily, and is willing to stand up for themselves and what they believe in. The key is trying to get it under control now just enough so they are manageable while they are still living under your roof, and channeling that drive into something positive. Hang in there and good luck!

I love the phrase "I was a perfect parent until I had kids". It is so easy to judge other parents. Oh, they must be inconsistant, or lazy, or bad moms. And yes, some people really are! But some kids are just "harder" to raise! Many people have had success with "Raising Your Spirited Child". I applaud you for recognizing your error. My son is extremely well behaved as well. He never does anything dangerous and is pretty easy. My friend who is expecting said that I must have done a great job teaching him. And I was like, no, that is how he is. Meanwhile she was shocked when I told her we bring fries to ethnic restaurants for my son because he is a picky eater. Did I make him a picky eater like I made him safety concious. What do you think?

I have no advice for you but I did enjoy reading your post. See, I have what I believe to be a spirited almost-2 year old myself. I deal with lots of guilt and wondering if I'm "that mom" that's not disciplining or guiding in the right ways causing his difficult behaviors. I'm pregnant with #2 and due in June. I'm dying to see how this one's personality differs from my son and hoping to have the opposite experience of yours and find out that all my troubles with my son were a result of inherent personality and not my parenting! :p I am forever looking into parenting techniques and worrying I'm not doing the right things. I am curious to read your answers to this post!

I have two children like that, and man has it been hard. What really helped me was this book: The Nurtured Heart Approach: http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtur... It's a positive approach to discipline, and it really works! I wish I'd found it years ago. My two boys went from fighting constantly to barely having any conflict. I hope you find something that helps. I know it's exhausting to manage!

Yes no two kids are alike and if I had my middle child first I would have thought twice before having more! But I will say that she makes me laugh (and all our friends too!) with her silly phrases, smile with her innocence, her sassy energetic personality drives me crazy and make me love her too. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward a few years to the phase where we share with our brother and listen the first time but then I’d miss the knock the older boy out of the way so our brother can play with the toy moments that make me giggle!

I am here to read the answers given to you - my almost 4 year old sounds exactly like your second one. We too are reasonably strict and enforce rules swiftly and don't back down or give in to tantrums. Yet, we struggle with them on almost a daily basis. I'm at my wits end too.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone;) And, I too am having a huge eye opening that it's not all the parent's fault due to bad parenting!

-S

I have twin girls, now 15, and you are describing their personalities exactly! One is easy going, for the other everything and anything is a problem or wrong. They may both have the same birthday, but that is where the similarity ends. I agree with Chrystine that you should pick your battles. This combative attitude is not the result of anything you did or did not do. To paraphrase Lady Gaga, he was born that way!

My sons are very different too. My 2nd one wants to always have fun. period. so, leaving isn't fun, homework isn't fun, cleaning isn't fun....you get the picture. I choose what must be done, so, if he doesn't brush his hair-whatever, but, he must clear the table.

I firmly believe in choosing my battles.