16 Year Old Daughter Wants a Sleepover with a Boy...

Updated on November 22, 2013
H.R. asks from Fairbanks, AK
29 answers

This question has me puzzled...
Need some advice.

My 16 year old daughter (who is a good girl) has a very nice boyfriend and they are both Christian, have morals, etc.

Well my daughter also has a different friend at school (a boy) who is gay. She is really good friends with him and has asked if
they could hang out at the movies tomorrow and then have a sleepover at his house - I looked at her a bit shocked when
she asked about the sleepover, but then she said to me, 'you know he Is gay!' as if I should not worry, it would be like she
was having a sleepover with another girl...

So what do you think - would you let this happen, or ??
Need some feedback. I trust my daughter - so don't really think anything funny would happen - just want to know what you all think.
*By the way, my daughter said that his mother has no issue with it because he is gay..
*The reason I mentioned she has a boyfriend is that she is not trying to pick up on any other guy...and her boyfriend doesn't have a problem with this sleepover thing either, since he knows this kid is gay. As far as the Christianity - mentioned it because she grew up in home where she has morals, I trust my kids 110%. I could leave them for a week and not be worried they were doing anything they shouldn't be.

WANTED TO ADD to the person who posted below: I actually have had to look for a home in another state (moving) and did leave the 3 kids alone (18, 16, 11) and they not only took care of cooking, the older one drove them to and from school, there were no parties or anything of the kind. I could do this because I do trust my kids and they are very mature and responsible. The reason I asked this question is NOT because I think my daughter will even think about doing anything promiscuous - that is not going to happen - I know what kind of girl she is - and that is not happening - I just wasn't sure if this was something that was common/normal to allow in 2013 or not. I was wondering if I should just go with my gut and let her do this, because I trust my daughter and I want to be reasonable (need to pick my battles and this didn't seem like it should be one) -- Or-- to put my foot down and say no just because this is a situation I never have had to deal with and didn't know how to answer to correctly (foreign territory) -- thus the question to see what you all think -- I see below quite a diverse spectrum of answers....
Thank you for all who have given your feedback, it is greatly appreciated.

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K.O.

answers from Atlanta on

If it was a good friend and I knew him (i.e. he'd been over to my house a lot and wasn't just some kid she talked about) then I'd allow it.

4 moms found this helpful

R.X.

answers from Houston on

Sexuality is way too fluid for this. I know a lesbian couple who broke up because one of the partners got too close to a male, gay 'friend'. The gay guy was so effeminate that he provoked questions in the other girl's psyche. So, no. It's not a good idea at all.

3 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I wonder what his parents think about this....

I truly don't know how I'd feel. This is quite the dilemma.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

V.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

I would say no. Regardless of his proclivities, it seems wrong.
And, being a good girl or not, good boy or not, whatever... this younger generation--a lot of them-- do not see things the same as those of us from an older generation.
Think about where the term "hook up" derives. It is b/c the younger generations do not see sex as having anything to do with a relationship. It is outside of a relationship and just something you "do", with strangers, new acquaintances, or amongst friends.
What "we" might call "platonic" friends, I'd venture to say that some of the younger generation would, too. But not the reverse. In other words, they might call a "hook up" (our term) "platonic" simply b/c there is no romance involved... it's all physical and it's understood to be.

I know you are thinking "but he's gay." I'm just suggesting that in the minds of some of the younger set, gender, friendship, platonic, hook-ups, etc.. they're pretty interchangeable in the "finding myself" world they live in. At least with some of the kids. Are you absolutely confident that your daughter hasn't bought into any of that mindset even a tiny bit? And what about her friend? Has he bought into it?

I'd just say no. It keeps things REALLY simple. It doesn't matter that he is gay. He's a boy.

--

ETA after your edits:
A week? Really? Wow. My kids are 12 and 15 and we are Christian and they are great kids and have been raised in a home with morals as well. And I would still be concerned that they might do something stupid if I left them to their own devices for a week. Heck.. even 24 hours. They're kids. I was a moral, Christian kid myself, once upon a time... and I did stupid things. I don't expect any less of my kids.

If you are so solid that your kids would NEVER do anything questionable... then why are you here asking if it would be ok?

8 moms found this helpful
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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

My daughter had sleepovers with her gay male friends. No big deal.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I would still not allow it.

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L.M.

answers from New York on

My daughter has a friend who is gay. I let him sleep over, but in a different room.

5 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I think some teens have been clear on their sexuality and sexual orientation from a very early age, and others are in a stage of questioning and experimenting.

I think a lot of people are going to be offended by the "Christian and morals" logic. There are plenty of Christians who've gotten pregnant, and there are plenty of Jews and Muslims and Hindus who have morals. So I'm not even sure what you mean by that. There are also plenty of Christians who think that homosexuality is wrong, and worse, that it can be changed by exposure to heterosexual sex. There are many Christian clergy who will not perform same-sex marriages (and a Methodist minister who's now in the news for being kicked out after performing his own child's marriage against church teachings.)

So the definition of "Christian morality" is not absolute nor unchanging. When you add in all kinds of variables like curiosity, underdeveloped decision-making capacity, hormones, alcohol, peer pressure and a few others, there are plenty of embarrassed, pregnant, drunk, addicted, and dead teens from every religion.

If you trusted your daughter 100%, you wouldn't be posting this question.

And you never ever leave kids/teens alone for a weekend, let alone a week. Too many other kids hear about it and then there's a huge party at your house, which your trustworthy kids are simply not experienced enough to manage or stop.

I'm not against the sleepover or for it - I think there are a lot of issues beneath the surface in situations like this. But I also think lots of parents (including me) let their kids go to same-sex sleepovers all the time without worrying that there is gay sex involved, so it's really the same argument with letting a child go to the opposite sex because one teen is gay. The risks are the same - from high to medium to non-existent. The point is to not have our heads in the sand.

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X.Y.

answers from Chicago on

NOPE

What does her boyfriend and Christianity have to do with your post?

4 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

No, I would not allow that (full disclosure - I do not have a daughter).

I think you're a good mom to listen to her point-of-view and consider the request rather than reflexively yelling NO WAY! :P

But I still would not do it.

When she's an adult (in very short order) she can make her own decisions. But while it's on your shoulders I would err on the side of caution.

4 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

My daughter is 18 and she has some gay friends. They do hang out at movies, restaurants, etc and then they each go to their respective homes. The sleepovers with opposite sex, even gay does not occur regularly around here. However, after Homecoming and after prom it is not unusual for a large group to sleepover at someone's home (supervised).

She has never asked for a gay friend to sleepover and she does not have a steady boyfriend either.

When she had sleepovers, everyone had her own room and bed. She has since moved out for college.

My gut instinct would be to say no, even though I know these friends.

It has nothing to do with Christian values... 2 preacher's daughters got pregnant when I was in high school. One kept it hidden up until her parents took her to the hospital with abdominal pains and SURPRISE.. they were grandparents!!!

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R.B.

answers from Dallas on

When I say I'm socially liberal...I mean I support gay marriage. But as a mother I have nothing but questions for you:

1. Are you sure he is really gay and not bisexual
2. What other males will be in the house
3. What about the parents (mom and dad - anymore we realize males and females can be sexual predators).
4. How about this occurs under YOUR roof instead if you are completely comfortable that nothing would go on between them.

4 moms found this helpful

C.F.

answers from Portland on

I would let my daughter.
I had sleep overs with gay guy friends ALL the time growing up.
I had one friend who practiially lived with us as a teenager, slept in my room, never was an issue.
He was more interested in my brother than anything, LOL

In my opinion it is just like having a sleep over with a girl friend, nothing will happen, he is gay, therefore, no interest.
She is in a relationship, no interest.
No issue, in my opinion.

My husband pointed out that I am bisexual and I had sleep overs with girls all of the time...
Wouldn't that be similar to a straight guy and a girl having a sleep over?
I think it boils down to trusting your kid, shrug.

Also, just because someone is attracted to someone (regardles of gender or orientation) that does not mean they will have sex.

What if the friend was a lesbian, then what?

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P.K.

answers from New York on

Not in this lifetime.

3 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Nope. Forget it. Look, other kids don't do this with their gay friends. There's no reason for it for your daughter, either. You can trust 110% if you want, but that doesn't mean that you DANGLE adult situations in front of 16 year olds. Just because he's gay doesn't mean that he's not a male with a male body. If she wants to have sleepovers with boys, she needs to wait until she's in college.

3 moms found this helpful
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B..

answers from Dallas on

Nope, nope, nope. I'm surprised you have to ask.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.T.

answers from San Antonio on

No

Not the right thing to allow regardless of your daughters integrity nor however innoncent this may be.

I believe that just for the very reason you are asking this question, deep in your heart you already know it is not the right decision.

Blessings

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

I would be fine with a sleep over with a gay boy. But I am confused what that has to do with her boyfriend, or what the fact that they are "Christian" has to do with morals. Are you afraid she might be lying about sleeping over at the gay friends house in order to have sex with her boyfriend? Have you talked her about safe sex?

3 moms found this helpful

J.O.

answers from Boise on

Well, I am clearly in the minority here.

Yes, and I did. My DD's gay best friend stayed here often. I knew that neither one was interested in the other. He clearly liked boys, and well so did my DD, but my DD preferred her boys to be straight.

She stayed at his house, although his family thought she was his girlfriend. They didn't know he was gay, and he was not going to tell his very religious, 'it's wrong' parents, she did sleep with his sister though. They didn't let her stay in the same room as him, but they didn't have any rules for when he was here so at my house they stayed in the same room, but my DD shared a room with her sister.

If you trust your DD, and you know the relationship she has with her best friend, then I don't see the issue, but it's a call only you can make.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way. I do need to take up something you do say....

"As far as the Christianity - mentioned it because she grew up in home where she has morals"

My children were raised with no religion, beyond the occasional VBS school, or the occasional teen groups they went to on their own. My kids are very moral, very giving, very loving, and great citizens...not perfect though. Morals doesn't come from religion, morals come from the parents. To say that Christianity is the reason your children has morals is a disservice to you as her parent, and a disservice to all of the moral people in the world who don't have religion/Christianity.

3 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

How would you feel if she invited him to your home and they had a sleepover, but he sleep in the guest room or in the living room and your daughter in her room?

Not sure if that would make you feel better..

Funny, 2 of my best friends back in high school are/were gay. We never had a sleep over, but on our senior trip, we all shared a condo with other boys and girls. No hanky Panky, girls in the bedrooms and the boys all in the living room.

I also remember going on a weekend trip with my boyfriend his mom and sister. His sister and I shared a room and he and he and his mom shared a room..

Then one time he went with me, my mom and my sister for a few days to the coast.. The ladies in one room, and he slept on the pull out sofa in the living room.

This boyfriend is now my husband!

Anyway,, You need to follow your mom heart and brain. If you are not comfortable, you need to just tell her, you are not ready for this yet. Nothing wrong with the 2 of them, but you need to think about this until she is 18, hee, hee..

2 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I was raised in a Christian, military household - I have very good morals, values, ethics. I had a sleepover at my guy friends house when I was in 11th grade and flew into town to see him and my other friends (we had just moved 6 months earlier). There was NOTHING that happened because we were 100% just friends. But when I told my husband this the other night, he said HELL NO to our daughter doing it. Also, my friends dad was NEVER around...to the point that my parents even took him to get his permit and license, celebrate his birthday, etc...but he was there the few nights I slept over. And my friend had two twin beds in his room...no big deal.

I also got pregnant at 19. Doesn't mean she will follow my shoes...but being raised one way and doing things spur of the moment really have nothing to do with each other.

My older sister had her boyfriend sleep over ALL THE TIME and my parents knew he was there. She is just now pregnant for the first time (31) and married. She was WAY more promiscious than I was ever...but it doesn't stop things from happening.

I think you have to go with your gut. While right now I would 100% say no for my daughter, you have to go with your gut. And I would say it really depends on how well you know the boy and your daughter.

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S.R.

answers from Kansas City on

I don't think i would allow this to happen. For one a 16 year old girl sleeping over at a boy's house is just inappropriate to me. Period. Gay or straight.
Someone who posted earlier said it perfectly... gay people probably do experiment with the opposite sex and teenagers get curious and dont always think things through.
My DD is 16 and if she had a gay friend and wanted to spend the night, the answer would be NO.

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J.C.

answers from New York on

First of all, I think it's naive to think that gay people never have sex with people of the opposite sex. Many gay people I know have had encounters with the opposite sex. Curiosity and a few drinks can lead to anything!

I don't think you need to say no but I do think she should sleep in a separate room or on the couch. She's 16. She has plenty of time when she grows up a bit more to make these decisions on her own.

And in my personal opinion, having good morals doesn't mean that you wont experiment with drinking, drugs or sex. I'm glad you trust your kids, that's wonderful. But being 16 means that you have to question everything, including what you think is right and wrong.

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L.C.

answers from Dover on

If it were me, I would not. Not because he is gay, not because he is straight, not for any other reason than my mommy "spidey senses" say no. I tend to go with my gut on some things and it's not like not having a sleep over with her gay friend is going to cause her undue trauma. If I was going to come up with a compromise I would say that he could sleep over at our house.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

He's gay. I don't see the problem.

I would have totally trusted my daughter to sleep at a gay guy's house when she was 16. She wouldn't have been sexually attracted to a gay guy, even in the off-chance that he decided he was bi for the night. As a matter of fact, I trusted her so much that I would have let her stay at a straight guy's house, if they were just friends. She probably did have such a sleepover once or twice, with a group of friends.

My daughter was very picky and straight-laced (though not Christian). Yes, it is possible to know and trust your child so well that you can let her sleep at the home of a member of the opposite sex.

But anyway, the guy's gay.

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

I think I would go with my gut on this one...what does your gut say?

Since it's not my daughter, I can't say what my gut thinks...not getting a feel on it. My initial thoughts are no because he is a boy and they are 16. I would think that at 16, gay or not, there may be room for curiosity and there is no sense testing teenage hormones. I am shocked the boyfriend and the boy's mom are ok with it.

As for the poster that mentioned no sleepovers after 12/13...what? I would think about 10-15 would be the best age for sleepovers. I don't think sleepovers younger than that are appropriate.

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H.L.

answers from Houston on

I had sleepovers with heterosexual male friends. It was never one on one, always a group of at least three or four of us (girls and boys) who had been friends for years. It didn't happen often, but all the parents knew each other, and none of us ever dated each other.

I don't know how I'd handle it if my kid wanted to do that, but I appreciated that my parents let me do it.

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M.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

Probably not, but it might depend on knowing the individual kids and the context. I would probably require them to sleep in different rooms. It does sound a little strange--why do they want to have a sleepover? Have you asked her? Also, do you know his parents? When I was a teenager my friends and I were allowed to have group co-ed sleepovers and a few of the kids were gay, but they were not in the majority and at least one of them had not yet identified herself as gay and was dating a boy. We were all in a common room, but in retrospect I'm surprised at the lack of supervision we had. Fortunately, we did not violate the trust placed in us and mostly we stayed up all night playing games like Risk!

However, even good kids make mistakes. Teenagers lack appropriate judgment because that part of their brain is not fully developed. I have a very responsible 17-year-old son who was raised in a strong Christian tradition, but I am constantly repeating to myself, "He's a good kid, but he's still a TEENAGER." Just a couple of weeks ago there was a horrible tragedy nearby us in which a 16-year-old boy was killed in a car accident. The unofficial word is that he was trying to avoid getting pulled over by a police officer because he was late for curfew. He came from a family with a very strong Christian background and he was active in his church. I know several posters have already mentioned the "Christian morals" comment in your post, but I found it notable you are in Alaska. I don't mean to make a political comment, but more to follow up on "good kids make mistakes," the very Christian former governor of your state had a daughter with a teenage pregnancy. I am constantly trying to find the balance between letting my responsible teenage son have some freedom and protecting him from his own youth and inexperience. It's hard; I know.

ETA after your ETA: I have boys 17 and 14 and as far as I know it is not common to have co-ed sleepovers, gay or not. If it's happening it's not happening with my sons' friends. There are all night parties after special events like prom. A neighbor had a big co-ed party after Homecoming, but the parents made sure all the girls went home by a designated hour and then the boys were allowed to stay the night. So, I haven't heard of this exact situation before, but doesn't mean it doesn't take place.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

How well do you know him? That's part of my criteria for ANYBODY sleeping in my home. I have a 5 yr old little girl, and the sks cannot bring just anyone to spend the night here. If you don't know him well, then say no. You aren't comfortable with it. That said 16 is an age where things are black and white in their heads and they have not yet learned shades of gray. You see the gray area. She may not. Bottom line here is that if I don't want someone in my home overnight they don't stay. Perhaps have a compromise. Why an overnight? Why not a later curfew? Would you be OK with him hanging out til 11PM?

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