14 Years Age gap...too Much??

It's not too much. Just be certain that you are both emotionally healthy. Consider premarital counseling when it comes to talking about marriage.

Think about why this man is not choosing a woman in his age bracket. Is this a constant for him, or a first? Does he have a pattern of not being able to maintain a relationship, or is he newly on the market after a long-term relationship? Consider why you are doing the same.

There's more going on than just an age gap in ANY relationship. The goal is to be healthy and make healthy choices, regardless the age.

there are generalizations, and there individuals. it's not ideal in a general sense, but if it works for you, it works. we all know of people who have giant age gaps and great relationships.
khairete
S.

Well we're 10 1/2 years apart. I think if he were 4 years older, or I were 4 years younger, I certainly wouldn't love him any less.

:)

I mean I think when two people are comitted to each other, age difference is not going to be more of a factor than anything else.

My parents are about 14 years apart and have a wonderful relationship. The only downside is that now that they are aging, my mom is constantly worried about my dad's health. He is in good health, but at 76 years old, anything can happen. My mom constantly frets. She is terrified he will die before her, and she will be so grief-stricken that she will die right after him (and I won't be surprised if that is the case). Other than that, their age difference has not mattered at all.

My aunt and uncle are 15 years apart and have been married for nearly 40 years. They weren't able to have kids, but they're the happiest couple I know.

A friend of mine from high school married a guy who is in his 40s when she was 28. They just had their 1st baby and she reports that she's never been happier.

Now, I can't speak for your particular relationship, but in general, 14 years is not too large a gap.

I think the quality of person and your lifestyles you desire and are able to do matter more than age.

If he is an active 42 and you're an actve 28 that would be good, however if he is settling down and doesnt want young kids and you are still wanting to travel and have more kids that would be an issue, but that could be an issue no matter what the age, so if you want the same things in life and are capable of making eachother happy whats to question?

I am 30 and my husband is 47. Our kids are 9, 8, and 6. We have been married for 9 years in October. Do we have our issues? Sure...but we are in love and have a great family. I doubt any of our issues are related to age.

I don't think it would be any different if we were closer in age.

And I hope he ain't married?!

I'm glad you clarified in your SWH!
If he were 14? - Um Yeah - that would be a big problem.
Since he's 42 it might be alright.
Do you have enough in common (besides sex) to keep the interest going?
And if prostate trouble pops up - lack of sex might be a problem if you're not at a point where it doesn't mean much to you anymore.
Marrying someone older than you means it's likely he'll die before you do.
When he's 84, you'll be 70 - and if he ages badly you might end up nursing him.
Do you want children with him?
Is he done raising kids or not?

On the other hand, the saying goes:
"It's better to be an old man's darling than to be a young man's slave.".
(A young woman should prefer to marry an old man who dotes on her rather than a young man who may treat her badly.)
There's a lot to think about.

Yes. Having an older partner can be very stabilizing, very secure, and very settled. There will be a LOT less chance he'll ever cheat, hide money, spend money on stupid stuff, or suddenly turn to drugs or alcohol.

At 42 he's probably decided what career he wants to be in, he's probably faced the fact that some day he's going to need retirement to live where he wants and how he wants. He's probably made a will, took a good long look at his life and decided how he wants to live out his days for the rest of his 30-40 years and had a sudden rush of OMG I'M OLD when he realized how short that number is.

So yes, if you are a good stable person who knows who they are, what they want, knows how to compromise instead of drawing a line in the sand, are not a Diva, nor are a wishy washy person.

A man this age is likely to want someone who makes them feel like a man that is capable, a man that has worth and meaning, and who is special.

But that's just my opinion.

Several of my friends and relatives have been married to older men or older women and those relationships have not ended in divorce or had much fighting in them. They were stable and calm but still fun. Just not as much drama!

K.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

No one can tell you if it will work or not. That's up to you and him - you two are in the relationship - not us. If you are already 2nd guessing it? That is a red flag to me.

You are an adult - not a teenager. Hopefully you have graduated college and have a career. Hopefully you've lived on your own and know how to pay bills and stand on your own two feet.

Are you talking marriage or just a long-term relationship?

Are you compatible? Do you have common interests and goals?
Do you know how to communicate with each other?
Do either of you want kids? Please know that you cannot change another person. If you want kids and he does not? The likelihood of it working is very low.

Are you prepared to care for him when he's in his 60s and 70's while you are in your 40s and 50s? When you are going to want to travel and have more fun and freedom (saying you have kids and they have graduated and moved on) and he is a tad slower than you....how do you think you will handle it?

Is your relationship based on love and mutual respect?
When you argue, do either of you "hit below the belt"? Throw things from the past in each others face? Or do you focus on the problem at hand?

There are so many questions that only you have the answers to. I will state again - if you are 2nd guessing it - then you already know your own answer.

Good luck!

Great responses from all the responders so far. Relationships are work. I personally don't have a preference for older men. Can't stand them for a number of reasons. The same reasons I can't stand them are the same reasons one of my close friends prefers them. LOL

Any relationship can work if both people are willing and able to put in the work. The work doesn't need to be a chore but it is work non-the-less. Be honest with him and yourself about how you feel and what you think. For some this age difference would mean nothing for others it would present a problem.

My grandfather's second wife was about 40 years younger than him and younger than some of his kids when they got married. She was the perfect wife for him because she could deal with his special older man "ways".

My husband is 1 year younger than me and that's just the way I like it.

Ultimately the decision is yours but more than age should play a factor in maintaining a successful relationship.

My husband and I are close to that gap and we've been blessed with a wonderful marriage. I was married once before so I appreciate it more I think. The great thing is that he wasn't married before and did not have children. I think what can make it tough is blending families. I am not 2nd wife material and I like my children to come first (I know my limitations).

My only concern with younger women/older men is that it is easy to defer to them. As I've gotten older (I'm 43 now) I've been less inclined to let my husband make all the big decisions. He's been my rock, and I love him for that, but I've realized that it's important for me to develop some strength of my own. He's a very strong, capable man and that has caused some friction at times, but he lets me be me too.

Of course the other concern is him dying before me, which is entirely possible - and it would devastate me. But we never know what life will bring, so I try to just focus on all the happy years we've had. I always believe that the best is yet to come. It doesn't hurt that my husband is in physically better shape than I am (embarrassing).

If I were you I'd just make sure that you're mature enough to make this decision, and that's he's not looking for someone he can call the shots with. You need to be equal partners and be able to grow with one another. But that's the case with all good relationships. I'd definitely seek out some counseling first.

Good luck.

Yes I think it can. It all depends on the couple.

Can it work? Sure. Chronological age is one thing, consider your developmental ages. No, there's no way to calculate that, but look at where you both are in your lives.

My BIL and soon-to-be SIL are ten years apart. He (and my husband) will be 40 this year, but my BIL lives and acts like he just graduated from college. Seriously. If you were to look at his life "on paper", you would think that he's 25... owns nothing, drives a car he can't really afford, rents a crappy college apartment, nothing in savings... blah blah blah. She's very mature and just finished medical school. LOVE HER (side note). Anyway, they are a decade apart chronologically, but are very much in the same "phase of life".

So... if you enjoy eachothers company and feel like you are headed in the same direction, then it can work. If you are living in your 20's and he's counting the days until retirement, it's not going to work well.

My daughter married a man about 12 years older than her...... she waited until she was about 24....
Now... that being said, if she had been 18, we might have thought differently about the situation......

I hope you are the young one in the relationship, and that the person you are thinking about isn't 14?

My husband and I are 12 years apart and it works out great for us. It just depends on the people involved, their lifestyles, and their families.

Sure, it can work. But if you plan on marrying him, you must consider that he will always be that much older than you. He might have age related issues long before you'd want to have to deal with that. When you're 50, he'll be 64. You might have a lot more energy than him and want to travel and do things that he's not up for. You won't be on the same page. But on the flip side, anything could happen. You could end up having health issues before him even though you're younger. There are no guarantees in life.

More details would help.

People can make it work. I (personally) would never entertain being with a man so much older. That's just me, though. Do whatever you want and make it work. Just make sure he's not married. I can't tell you how many times that happens.

Age isn't the only issue - the issue is maturity as well. You are young and still growing as a person, possibly at a slightly faster rate than your SO. If both of you can "keep up" with the changes in the relationship as both of you age and mature, then it could work.

There is also the possibility that he may be less mature than his age, and won't "keep up" as you mature - I experienced this in my early 20's with a man 12 years older. I grew beyond him (which I found out is what his previous girlfriend told him LOL). He just wasn't mature for his age, and he didn't want to BE more mature so he LIKED younger women because of that - the problem was, WE matured beyond him.

Like any relationship, there are no guarantees. It all takes work. If you're both willing to work on it and you both love each other, then it could work very well.

I guess it can work for some people. To me, that would just be a little weird. I'm 32 and the though of being with someone who is 47 kind of grosses me out. Sorry

I agree with many of the previous posters. Age is not the issue, it matters more where you are in your lives. Are you compatible? Can you tollerate each others "quirks"? After my grandmother died, my grandfather remarried a woman much younger. She had never had children and he already had three grown children. Together they never had children. Have you decided if you want a family and does he? My grandfather retired early and also passed away early, leaving his wife a widow at about 60. Not really the time in your life when you want to start dating again after being married 20 something years. I dated a man 10 yrs older than me and although we are great together, we were going different places in our lives. I knew what I wanted and so did he. Our wants did not match even though we deeply cared and relied on one another. I gave it a lot of thought and decided that giving up all of my dreams to be a match for him was not worth it. I am happy with my decision and I hope that you will be too. Only you can decide if it will work, communication with your partner is key!

My friend is married to a man who is 24 years older than she. They have a beautiful relationship.

Too much? For me, yes. Definitely.

When I was younger and before I met my husband, I dated a man who was 11 years older than me. I have never been with someone so needy and insecure. He needed to be with a very young woman because he was so regressed. My mom was 16 years younger than my dad and now he is married to a woman who is over twenty years his junior. He is approaching 76 while she is still fairly spry. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I promised myself I'd not go down that path (again), especially seeing what it looks like in my family.

Others have a different experience of it. I think it's to each their own.

If you were 14 and he was 28, yes. 28 and 42? no.

Yes, it can work if you are both adults and happy to make a relationship work.

My first sex partner was 17 years older than me.
My daughter's dad is 10 years older than me.
My second husband was 19 years older than me.
My third husband was 14 years older than me.
Age was not a factor in the relationships ending.

One of my current FWB's is 12 years older than me.

I don't think age is a factor. I thing two people who are committed to loving each other and serving on another can absolutely have a relationship. I would do a lot of talking! I would also want to know what his expectations were for the relationship. I believe that you date to find a spouse, which can be fun. I don't think you need to sleep with them before marriage. I believe love is a decision and not a feeling although you may feel more loving at times.

You need more words and details in your post. :-)

My husband is 14 years older than me and so far it has been the best relationship I have ever had. My parents were 10 years apart. As long as you want the same things in life.

I think age difference only matters when there's a serious gap in maturity level, lifestyle and/or life goals. At 28, I think a person has likely maneuvered through certain stages of life and interests and is maturing into a sense of what it means to be their 'adult self'. If you both share mutual interests and lifestyles and goals that are supportive of one another, I don't see any issue. More power to you!

I would say no I dated a wonderful man who was 10yrs older than me. I was 21 and he was 31. But at that time I was looking for something different. :-) you shouldn't worry about the age.

Absolutely not. My grandmother was 20 years younger than my grandfather, and he was the love of her life. When I was in my early twenties, I dated a guy who was 12 years older. And I think the older you get, the less the gap will matter.

Are you happy? Is he happy? Does he treat you well? Love and being truly happy is all that matters!