11/2 Year Old Is Mean to My 5 Year Old!

S. - I am sure you will get many different responses to your question because everyone has their own beliefs and ways of handling their children.

If these were my children I would step in each time as I feel that is my job. The younger one needs to be 'punished' in whatever that means to you - 2 minutes in time out, spanking, etc. everytime she does something wrong. The 5 year olds reaction is instinct and unfortunately drives your younger one to want to do it more. It is difficult to explain to a child that ignoring it will make them stop doing it - and 99% of the time you can't get this idea to play out.

Although I wouldn't punish my 5 year old for pulling the younger ones hair back, I wouldn't encourage it either. This will only cause problems at school as most children caught doing something wrong was a reaction to what another kid did to them (and got away with b/c the teacher didn't see). You have to come up with a way to teach the younger one that what she is doing is wrong. Use different methods to find out what makes your younger one react and then use it! In addition, many parents make the fatal mistake of saying, "I'll deal with it later" because they are in public - If you wait even 5 minutes later your child won't understand that they are in trouble for something they did 5 minutes ago. You have to stop and deal with it now. So punishments such as going to bed earlier or not getting a popsicle after dinner don't work.

You might think some of my methods and examples are for older children but I can tell you that 1 year olds understand more than we think they do. I have a 2 year old who from 8 months old understood right from wrong (I didn't realize it at the time but then I noticed he would look around to make sure no one was looking just before doing something he knew he shouldn't do).

My bottomline recommendation is to stop it when it happens, discipline your 1 year old, explain why she is being disciplined, repeat this everytime it happens.

i have 3 boys and i hate to break it to you but this is a never ending process until they get older. i go through many of the same things with 3 boys who are 9, 7, and 3 years old. the best i can tell you is make the one who is doing these mean things stop and then make her apologize to the other girl and tell her that it is wrong for her to do these things and that it does hurt. try taking toys away or any privileges you may normally give them and make it a routine to do so every time one of them starts a fight so they will know that these are the consequences for fighting.

Telling your 5 year old to pull her sister's hair back is going to teach her that it is ok to hit or get revenge. When your younger daughter injures your older, put her in her crib or room for 5 minutes. When the timer beeps, tell her there is no hurting her sister. You seriously have to be consistent about putting her in her crib/room. If she is a strong willed little girl, it may take a week for her to get the point. But if she values her play time she'll stop in a day or two. But she will test you to see if you mean what you say. Make sure you get on the floor with her and tell her that from now on when she hurts her sister, she's going into time out and can't come out until the timer beeps.
Best of luck!
Jen
(Mom of 3 boys: 4.5 yrs, almost 2 yrs, and a 4 month old)

I have four kids and a daycare. It sounds to me like your 18 mo. old is not necessarily being "mean" but rather exploring the cause and effect concept as well as her new found ability to affect human behavior. She has figured out how to get a rise out of her sister. This is the same behavior that most parents see when their toddlers whine, cry, throw themselves on the floor, etc because they want something. It is a manipulative behavior that works for them, it always has. It is an inherant survival skill that turns sour. Unfortunately her brain has not reached the ability to se her self as less than the center of the world and she can not sympathize with other people when they feel pain or sadness. This concep appears near the age of three adn requires guidance. What she can learn is that certain behaviors ALWAYS yeild undesirable affects. My 7 month old learned very quickly that when he picked up the kitten by the ears, he got scratched...everytime. Within a week, he would either stay clear of the cat or he would proceed with caution and gentleness. I work in a church nursery and when one of our 1-2 yr olds bites or hits, we immediately tell them that's not nice, be nice, and remove them to be belted in a five point highchair. At first they seem to not mind, but after repeatedly being put in "time out" they start to get frustrated that we keep doing this and they beging to throw a little tantrum when we scoop them up and put them there, after a few times, they learn that every single time I behave this way, I get put in the chair and no amount of thrashing or screaming change it, I have to sit here until I am done screaming. When the child has calmed down, you need to take her over to her sister and tell her, "look at her face, she is sad, it hurts her when you hit her, etc" Allowing for her to repeatedly see that her actions can cause someone else to hurt will allow her to gain the sympathy concept faster. When your drama queen pitches a fit, that is an alarm that will draw your attention to the conflict and get her put in time out every time, she will also learn what to NOT do so that sister doesn't scream and make mom come in her and put her in time out. Also, by comforting poor sister in front of the baby will make her see that she is hurt and takes the attention away from her. I bet until now little sister is getting all the attention for being "mean" and she feeds off that. Best wishes, keep consistent and it will get better soon.